


Ceiling Without a Star

by MurderRose



Series: Ceiling [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: & Non Platonic but there you go, Disassociation, Domestic Violence, Explicit and Non-Explicit Sex, Gaslighting, It gets worse before it gets better but it gets better, M/M, Multi, Platonic Kissing, Platonic Sex, Psycological and Emotional Abuse, Tango, kid fluff, marital rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:20:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 118,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26902018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MurderRose/pseuds/MurderRose
Summary: He loved him.  But, he loved himself too.  Jisoo was right in that he deserved not to be scared.  He’d like to be treated a bit more like an equal.  It wasn’t like he made much less than his husband, well, respective to the fact that he worked part time.  And his husband had never touched his money.  According to the websites, that was pretty rare.  But he liked to spoil him, and they had a joint account for the kids.  On paper their relationship was perfect.AKA: The one where I torture Jeonghan.
Relationships: Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Choi Seungcheol | S.Coups/Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Yoon Jeonghan/OMC
Series: Ceiling [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2169942
Comments: 26
Kudos: 112





	1. Section 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a heavy fic. It deals primarily with love, that of spouses, of friends, of neighbours, of partners and most importantly of parents and children and secondarily with domestic abuse and feminisation; recovery and set backs.
> 
> Take care of yourself, please. Don't try to read it all at once if you can't, and take breaks. Drink water. Pet a pet. Hold a stuffed toy. Goodness knows I have had some breakdowns over this.
> 
> Essential: This is a work of fiction. No characters herein are real, they are imaginary and in no means reflect the lives of any real life characters reflected in this story.
> 
> Pls scream/cry/rant/whine/send love/send commentary to me on Twitter ([@RoseEnDiamant](https://twitter.com/RoseEnDiamant))or CuriousCat ([@MurderRose](https://curiouscat.qa/MurderRose)). I'm always curious and, no scratch that, I NEED feedback, GIVE IT TO ME.
> 
> Sex is marked by {} at the beginning and {/} at the end if you wish to skip. A lot of the sex in section 1 is consent iffy so bear that in mind.  
> I've used * and ** for proceed with caution bits, both for squick reasons and general sex reasons.
> 
> My love and kingdom to this fic's godmother, Aleeyah, I love her. She made this so so so much easier and I couldn't have done it without her. Thank you so much! And to everyone else who helped or just listened to me scream. So valuable. Love you all xx
> 
> Title from Sylvia Plath's 'Child'. That poem is essentially this fic, so ... I'm so pleased I managed to take the title from it.  
> And the tags posted really weirdly, tango isn't the main theme but it is like a 10th or something of the word count.
> 
> I think that's all the housekeeping, please enjoy,  
> Rose x

_These days I’m only pretending that I don’t know myself_

  
  
  


Jeonghan woke up slowly, the events of the previous day playing like a newsreel in his mind.

His mother loved his husband. They got on famously. Which made Sundays-

"Jeonghan, did I not raise you to make a better chicken than this?"

"Jeonghan I can't believe you bought that top, it makes you look fat."

"Jeonghan, do you talk to your husband with that mouth?"

"Jeonghan, did you buy this or make it? It's disgusting." Jeonghan's eomma called into the kitchen as Jeonghan plated up dessert for himself and his husband. He closed his eyes, blinked back tears and plastered on his best Sunday smile to try and appease her.

Appeasing his husband _and_ his mother was impossible however, and after the door closed behind her, Jeonghan rushed to get started on the washing up, trying to delay the inevitable.

He was elbows deep in the sudsy water, scrubbing at the cake tin, when his husband came right up behind him and pulled his slacks down. The tin slipped into the water and Jeonghan closed his eyes, hands gripping the side of the sink.

"You're such a disgrace," his husband growled out, smacking him as if he was a toddler, "worthless, useless, pathetic. Your mother is right, you really were a bad investment. You only got worse with time, not better."

{}He spread Jeonghan's cheeks and pushed into him, dry. Tears rolled down Jeonghan's face. He didn't dare move, their five year old was in the living room and the baby was upstairs.

Jeonghan closed his eyes and thought of cakes and books and music.

His husband panted into his neck and came, pulling out and pulling up Jeonghan's trousers. Leaving him dripping and sore and embarrassed and ashamed.{/}

"Do clean the dishes baby, they won't clean themselves. I'm going to the pub for a glass of wine. Don't wait up for me."

He'd slammed the door behind him.

Jeonghan put the kids to bed with tears drying on his cheeks, and took a shower, scaldingly hot, leaving his skin roaring red. He got into thick pyjamas and cried himself to sleep.

He woke up before his alarm and took a deep breath, trying to sink into the mattress, to become bedding. He didn't want to get up.

The baby started to cry over the monitor, but Jeonghan lay frozen in the bed. He didn't want to get up, he didn't want to open his eyes. 

The baby kept crying.

His husband laid a heavy hand on his hip, "The baby's crying, honey. Or are you too pathetic to feed your own child?"

Jeonghan winced and moved to get up, but his husband held him firm to the bed.

"Not even a good morning kiss?"

Jeonghan squeezed his eyes shut, but turned to him, placing a hand in his jaw and leaning up, kissing him gently.

His husband slid his hand up to the back of his head, grabbing the hairs on the underside of his scalp and tugging harshly. Tears beaded at the corners of Jeonghan's eyes.

"Good girl. Now go get the baby." He released him and Jeonghan scrambled out of the bed, jamming his feet into slippers and wrapping the robe around him, all the while staving back tears.

Jeonghan picked up their baby, he was perfect. So small and delicate. Minghao quietened the minute Jeonghan plucked him out of his cot, snuffling and settling against his chest.

"Hey Minghao, did you have a good sleep? You slept all the way through the night, I’m so proud of you." Jeonghan swayed them, lips curving into the beginnings of a smile. He opened the curtains, someone was moving in across the street. Two someone's. Maybe they would like to be friends. They looked young enough that he wouldn’t tire them, like he did his current neighbours.

"Look at that Minghao, you're gonna have new neighbours. I wonder if they have a baby that you can play with?" Jeonghan cooed, turning away from the window and putting Minghao down on the changing table, changing him and cooing and smiling as he kicked and laughed and gurgled up at him.

He was holding him up under his arms, seeing how much weight Minghao could support by himself, when his husband came in to kiss the top of his head, "I'm off now, love." He stroked his finger down Minghao's nose, "Be good for your mommy, Minghao-ya. Have a good day at work. See you later. I have that meeting this evening so I won't be home until around nine."

"Have a good day," Jeonghan smiled at him and then he was gone, clattering down the stairs and closing the door. 

Jeonghan relaxed. "Don't call me mommy, Minghao. I'm your Appa. Now. Let's go wake your brother and have breakfast!"

After he'd fed the kids, Jeonghan jumped in the shower, baby monitor on full volume, and powered through his routine, opening the bathroom door only when he'd buttoned himself into his shirt and slacks, and had his makeup kit open on the counter.

Seungkwan wandered in and leaned against his legs, still sleepy. "Mommy? What are you doing?"

"Appa, darling, remember? I'm doing my makeup." Jeonghan laid on the concealer thickly, hiding the bags under his eyes and the bruising around his hair line with a practiced hand.

"Can I wear some?"

"When you're a little older. And nicer makeup than this."

"Mommy is pretty."

"Appa, and thank you baby. You're pretty too." Jeonghan set down his brushes and closed the box. He knelt to pick Seungkwan up, hugging him tightly and pressed kisses to his head. Seungkwan squirmed until Jeonghan eventually put him down onto his bed beside Minghao. "Are you ready for school?"

"Never ready for school." Seungkwan muttered darkly and Jeonghan hid a smile, a boy after his own heart.

"It's a Monday, Kwannie, you have art on Monday remember? And if you're extra special good all week, we can bake on Friday!"

"Bake! Cupcakes? With the pretty swirls?" Seungkwan lit up at the words and Jeonghan nodded, picking Minghao up and grabbing his briefcase, ushering Seungkwan down off the bed and out of the room ahead of him.

"We can bake whatever you want. We have new neighbours, do you want to bring them some of what we make? Say hi? See if they have any children for you to play with?"

Seungkwan practically bounced down the stairs in his eagerness, slipping on his shoes and pulling the velcro tight, "Yes!! New friends!! Can we do purple swirls?"

"Yes we can," Jeonghan smiled, he'd pick up some purple food colouring when he did the shopping. "Do you have your school bag?"

Seungkwan twirled around, searching, and Jeonghan pointed to the hall stand. Seungkwan grabbed the bag and put it on his back. "I'm ready, Mommy!"

Jeonghan's smile froze, he hated this. He slung Minghao's bag over his non baby occupied shoulder and put his hand on Seungkwan's back to steer him out the door, "Appa, Seungkwan-ah, my name is Appa."

"But Daddy says to call you Mommy. He says you like Mommy and that it makes you warm and happy."

Jeonghan pressed his eyes closed to stave off the ever present tears while he placed Minghao into his car seat carefully, strapping him in and putting his bag on the floor in front of him, before coming around the car to buckle Seungkwan in. He put on his smile, "Well if that's what Daddy says then it must be true, huh?"

Seungkwan swung his legs, "Yes, Mommy."

Jeonghan arrived into work, already exhausted. He was an accountant for a publishing company, and he used to love his job, excel at his job; he used to get promotions, praise, all the good things. Lately? It was hard to enjoy his work. People didn't say anything, they’d just had Minghao, but he was pretty sure that they were waiting for after the grace period to demote him or fire him or something. His husband told him they’d be fine. But Jeonghan loved his work.

And there was a new employee who kept staring at him.

It was really unnerving and made Jeonghan check the mirror about ten times an hour for whatever he was looking at, because it wasn't his face. He was constantly exhausted and, as his husband loved to remind him, not half as pretty as he had been when they married.

Jeonghan tried to ignore it, but the employee was stationed at a desk in Jeonghan's line of sight and he couldn't not notice the staring, the constant staring. Not necessarily bad staring just, Jeonghan wasn’t sure. There were always eyes on him and it was unnerving.

When the clock struck 2 pm, Jeonghan gathered his things, he worked part time most days, and said his goodbyes to his colleagues before hurrying down to the car park and off to collect Seungkwan from school and Minghao from creche.

Once Seungkwan was sitting in his chair with a bowl of apple slices and a cup of water, and Minghao was on his mat, kicking happily at the dangling toys; Jeonghan allowed himself five minutes of staring into space. 

“Mommy! Minghao-ya is crying!”

Jeonghan stood and walked over to the baby, picking him up and rocking him gently, ruffling Seungkwan’s hair in thanks when the boy jumped down and went to grab his toys. “What’s wrong, love? You don’t need a change and you just had your lunch, is it wind? Hm?” Jeonghan moved Minghao onto his shoulder and rubbed his back and eventually Minghao coughed up a tiny bit of milk. “There you go baby, better out than in.”

Jeonghan played with the two kids for an hour, before urging Seungkwan to start his homework, a maths worksheet, and getting him to count to 30 in both Korean and English. They would have to start looking for a Korean class for him, the schools in their area only taught English at primary level.

And then it was time to start dinner. 

Jeonghan put on Seungkwan’s favourite CD, and left him in the living room with crayons and paper and his blanket, heading upstairs to put Minghao down for a nap. The baby went with minimal fussing, nosing happily into the blankets. Jeonghan switched on the monitor and closed the door over behind him, heading into the kitchen and pulling out ingredients for a spicy kimchi stew.

The rest of the day passed quickly, and before he knew it, he was in bed. The kids were asleep, the house was silent. His husband was still at work. 

He fell asleep quickly.

  
  


{}The alarm and the baby monitor went off at the same time the next morning, and his husband kissed his shoulder, rutting up against him once, twice, “Oh baby, you still have your plug in. Did you sleep well?”

Jeonghan was confused. What plug? They, he, they hadn’t had sex last night? He’d fallen asleep before his husband came home- Wait there was something vibrating inside him.

“That’s right sweetie, you didn’t even wake up. What a pretty slut you are.”

Tears rose unbidden to Jeonghan’s eyes. What? 

“So ungrateful. Go see to the baby.”

Jeonghan swung himself up into a sitting position and stood, surprised when he flopped back down onto the bed, “I don’t think I can stand-”

“You can stand. Go on, get up. And then come back in here.”

“You’ll be late-”

“Go and come back quickly then.”

Jeonghan pushed himself up on his forearms and eased into a sitting position, swinging his legs off the bed and wincing as the plug hit his prostate and vibrated furiously. Tears dripped down his cheeks, but he pushed up onto his feet, trembling and stepped over to the wall, leaning against it, and twisting to take hold of the base of the plug-

“Don’t you dare take that out.”

Jeonghan looked over to the bed. His husband was sitting up against the pillows, pumping his dick slowly, leering at him.

“Don’t you dare.”

Jeonghan moved his hand away and grabbed his robe, tying it tightly. He had no idea where his pyjama pants had gone. He went into the nursery slowly, scooping Minghao up and crying into his hair.

Once he’d cried himself out, he cooed a good morning to the baby and changed and dressed him quickly, looking at the clock every two seconds. If he was quick, they’d only be a few minutes late.

He sat Minghao up in a bowl of pillows and handed him a toy. “Appa’ll be back soon baby, okay. I just have to help Daddy with something, alright? Don’t cry now.”

  
  


Jeonghan rushed back into the bedroom, closing the door carefully behind him, “Please-”

“Get over here baby. You have to help Daddy with something huh?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No, please, I’m not calling you that-”

“That’s okay baby. You don’t have to. You don’t have to talk. Get over here.”

Jeonghan knelt onto the bed, and his husband twisted him over and bent him over his lap, raining down slaps all over his backside. Jeonghan whimpered into the bedspread.

“Stop calling yourself Appa, honey. You’re their Mommy. Hm? You’re my good girl, best girl, perfect wife, stop thinking of yourself like their appa.”

He pulled the plug out, and touched it to Jeonghan’s own dick, the sensation sending Jeonghan curling away, “Please, please-”

“Please what baby? Fuck you? I think I will. Clench up now and make it nice for me, and don’t make a noise. You don’t want little Seungkwannie coming in to see what’s wrong with his Mommy do you?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No, no-”

“And you didn’t even lock the door. Such a slut.”

“No-”

“Are you arguing with me?” His husband asked mildly as he pushed Jeonghan up onto all fours and sank into him slowly, “clench up now. The better you behave the quicker I’ll finish and then I won’t be late. Don’t make me late.”

Jeonghan clenched up obediently and quickly slipped into a sort of haze, gripping the bedspread and biting his lip to stop the tiny breathy noises that threatened to escape every time his husband hammered his prostate.

“You can come if you can come on my cock, love.”

Jeonghan shook his head instinctively.

“You don’t want to come? But good girls come. Are you not a good girl?”

“‘M not a girl-”

His husband spanked him hard. He whimpered in spite of himself. “Are you contradicting me? I guess you’re a bad girl after all.”

Thankfully his husband came quickly after that, and pulled out. Jeonghan thought he was finished, but he slapped him when he tried to move, and instead hooked his thumbs into Jeonghan’s hole and spread him wide, looking into him. Jeonghan flushed in shame.

“Push it out.”

Jeonghan didn’t understand. 

“Push it out or you’re keeping it in all day.”

Jeonghan blinked into the bed, what?

“And if you shit on me, I swear to god Jeonghan, you’re licking it clean.”

Oh the cum.

“10. 9. 8-”

Jeonghan started pushing.

“You’re leaking baby girl, so prettily.” His husband cooed, before pressing the cum back inside him. Jeonghan started to cry again. “What? You were too slow sweetheart. You’ll have to keep it in. It’s good for you.” He slipped his thumbs free, wiping them on Jeonghan’s back and smacking his hole. “Clench.”

His husband leaned off the bed and came back with something that he pushed inside Jeonghan again. 

“There. That’ll keep you clean and tidy. Don’t take it out.”

“But, what if I have to-”

“You better hope you don’t, because if I come home and you’re not white inside, Jeonghan I swear to God.”

“But-”

“Don’t eat. God knows you don’t need it.” {/}

He stood up and got dressed quickly before coming back over to the bed and pulling Jeonghan up for a kiss. “I love you, have a good day at work.”

And then he was gone. Jeonghan sobbed into the sheets. He needed to change them. He hated his life.

He pulled himself up and flew through a quick shower and slapped makeup on before catching Minghao and his briefcase up in his arms and kissing Seungkwan awake, hurrying him into his clothes with a litany of “Mommy slept in, I’m so sorry, can you hurry a little bit this morning?”

Kids fed and dropped off to school and creche, Jeonghan drove to work.

He drove home, kids in the back. 

Playtime, nap time, quiet time, dinner time-

Jeonghan’s husband kissed the kids hello to Minghao’s happy gurgles and Seungkwan’s “Daddy!!! Look what I made-”

A few minutes later, he stepped into the kitchen and locked the door behind him. “Hi honey.”

Jeonghan turned from the sink, eyes downcast, “Hi babe.”

He kissed him, tugging his hair and tilted him back, licking into his mouth possessively. And pulled away. “Did you have a good day?”

“Yeah. Busy, but good. How was work?”

“Good, nothing too mad today.” His husband hummed, sliding a hand down to check if the plug was still in. Jeonghan whimpered.

“Do I need to check or can I trust you?”

“I didn’t touch it, I swear I didn’t touch it.”

“Okay baby, you’re being so good for me, such a good housewife hm?”

Jeonghan breathed away his tears, before pulling away and turning back to the washing. “I’m hungry, can I-”

“You’re keeping that in all night, but you can eat and use the bathroom tomorrow babe. Trust me, I’m a doctor. You’ll be fine. I’ll put the kids to bed and we can watch a film okay? Just the two of us. Finish the washing up now.”

Jeonghan couldn’t tell what they watched, curled against each other quietly, he completely zoned out. Only coming back when his husband nuzzled his neck with a quiet, “Sleepy?”

“Yeah, long day. Let’s go to bed-”

“You go up, I have to finish a report. I’ll join you in a bit. Sleep well baby.” He kissed the crown of his head and Jeonghan slipped off the couch, hand on his back for a second as he adjusted to standing.

He checked the kids and got ready for bed, falling asleep quickly, and waking up the next morning to breakfast in bed. 

“Good morning sweetie,” His husband crooned as Jeonghan pushed himself up, blinking hard.

“Love?”

“It’s early, don’t worry. I brought you breakfast.”

Jeonghan couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on his face as his husband practically spoon fed him. Nothing fancy, just cereal and tea, but Jeonghan just felt warm and cherished.

“Thank you-”

“Anything for you.”

After Jeonghan had eaten, he was carried into the bathroom where his husband removed the plug, helped him to shower, and covered him in kisses until Jeonghan was giggling and kissing him back.

“Have a good day at work, Jeonghan!”

“You too babe.”

  
  
  


On Thursday, when Jeonghan stepped into the bedroom, kids finally asleep, looking forward to some adult conversation and maybe the latest episode of the drama they’d been watching, he was instead folded over his husband’s lap and spanked for who knows how long.

“Your mother rang me today, baby. She said she hasn’t heard from you all week. Did you forget to call her? You know she gets lonely.”

Jeonghan blinked back tears and gripped the duvet, “I’ll, I’ll, I’ll call her tomorrow, we’re going to make,” his breath hitched, “cupcakes, we can bring some over.”

“Good girl.” 

Jeonghan closed his eyes against the tears. He was a man. He wasn’t a girl, he wasn’t-

“Hey, I love you you know that?” His husband cooed, helping Jeonghan into his soft grey cotton pyjamas and cuddling up behind him. He pulled the duvet over them, stroking down Jeonghan’s side and holding his hand.

“I love you too.”

“Sleep well now.”

The next morning, Jeonghan’s backside was unreasonably sore for the relatively light swatting he’d received the night prior, and his pyjamas were mysteriously blue. He must have gotten the colour wrong the previous night. Blue and grey were similar after all. He went on a hunt for the painkillers the minute he got out of bed, Seungkwan bouncing along beside him.

“Mommy!!”

“I’m sorry Seungkwannie, just hold on a second. Tell me about your dreams.” Jeonghan soothed through gritted teeth.

“There were big fluffy crocodiles and they were bright pink.” Seungkwan said seriously and Jeonghan laughed in spite of himself. “Mommy, not funny, they were scary. And they ate some rabbits. And then painted the sun.”

“Such a creative dream, baby! Did they paint a pretty sun?” Jeonghan set Seungkwan on the counter in the bathroom and gripped it tightly. He’d look for painkillers just as soon as his head stopped spinning.

“-Mommy? Were you listening to me?” Seungkwan reached out and patted his cheek and Jeonghan stared at him. Had he zoned out? In front of his son? Oh he was such a bad parent, such a stupid parent.

“Yes love, I’m sorry. Do you still want to make cupcakes today?” Jeonghan opened the medicine cupboard and there was a box of painkillers sitting there. Praise The Lord. He opened it and took two, swallowing them dry and putting them back.

“Purple swirls?”

“Yes love, I bought food colouring on Wednesday just for you! And do you want to visit Grandma too?”

Seungkwan lit up and Jeonghan smiled. He loved visiting people.

“Okay. Can you run in and get dressed? I’ll get your brother.”

“Okay Mommy!” 

And as soon as Jeonghan put him down on the floor, he darted off. Jeonghan stared at the mirror, stared at himself. The bags under his eyes were growing darker by day and he looked gaunt. He looked away.

The rest of the day ran like clockwork, drop off went normal, he arrived at work, did his tasks, caught the new employee staring at him, was he worried? Then 2 pm rolled around and Jeonghan sped off to collect the kids. Seungkwan chattered all the way home about the song they were learning in class, and how the new student teacher, Pauline, had a really deep voice and really really dark eyebrows, “They look like caterpillars, Mommy!” Minghao kicked his feet along to the radio, wiggling happily beside Seungkwan.

“Seungkwannie? Go and get your apron. We’re going to bake. I’ll just put Minghao down for a nap and then we can put on some music alright?” Jeonghan crouched down in front of Seungkwan and smoothed his collar.

Seungkwan nodded and looked past Jeonghan into the kitchen, “Mommy?”

Jeonghan swallowed past the lump in his throat, “Yes, baby?”

“Can I have a hug?”

“Of course you can.” Jeonghan smiled, leaning back on his feet as Seungkwan launched himself into his arms, clinging tightly.

“Do you feel better now, Mommy?”

Jeonghan’s heart broke. “Yes I do, thanks to you! Your kisses and hugs are magic!”

Seungkwan giggled, and pulled away, darting into the kitchen. Jeonghan stood up and scooped up Minghao, smattering kisses all over his face.

“Who’s the cutest baby? Who is? Who is? You are!!” Jeonghan cooed as he rubbed noses with his youngest, bringing him up the stairs and placing him on the changing mat. He turned on some music, twinkly starry music that never ceased to make Minghao smile.

By the time he had changed his nappy, Minghao was yawning, stretching his hands up above his head and making tiny little scrunches with his nose. Jeonghan tucked him into his cot and brushed a feather slowly over his face until he fell asleep.

He closed the door carefully and hurried downstairs to bake.

After Jeonghan had helped Seungkwan to measure out equal parts flour, butter and sugar and four eggs; they whisked the batter together. And then Jeonghan sat Seungkwan up on the counter to help spoon the mixture into 32 bun cases.

“Can we put music on now, Mommy?” Seungkwan asked as Jeonghan started the washing up.

“We can. What do you want to listen to?”

“I feel the earth! Move! Under my feet!” Seungkwan sang, wiggling so much that Jeonghan turned and lifted him down off the counter.

“Careful!”

“Mommy! I’m all sudsy now!” Seungkwan screeched and Jeonghan laughed. 

“Sorry, sorry!!” Jeonghan scrolled through his phone to play Carole King’s Tapestry album and smiling as Seungkwan danced around the kitchen singing along and making up the lyrics to the songs he didn’t know.

When the buns were out of the oven, Jeonghan set them to cool on a wire rack and went to check on Minghao. Seungkwan happily colouring at the kitchen table and snacking on hummus and pitta.

Minghao was awake and kicked happily when Jeonghan walked into the room, babbling away.

“Did you sleep well?” Jeonghan asked, picking him up and swinging him around, “You did? Oh that’s good. Your brother and I made cakes,” Jeonghan chattered away as he brought the baby down the stairs, “Do you want to see? You do? Okay then.” 

Jeonghan strapped Minghao in his chair with a bowl of blended fruit as they iced the cakes, swirling little peaks on top of each of them with the piping bag. Seungkwan got half of his icing on his face, but that was easily remedied.

“Seungkwan-ah? Have a look out the front window and see if there are cars in the drive opposite us okay?” Jeonghan instructed as he put the cakes onto two cake trays, covered them with their dome lids, and cleaned up Minghao’s face. “Did you enjoy your fruit? You did? Good man!”

“Two cars!” Seungkwan shouted in from the living room.

“What colour are they?”

“Blue and yellow!”

“Thank you! Can you put your shoes on?” Jeonghan called back, washing his hands and taking a cloth to Minghao’s face.

Seungkwan ran in, coat in his arms and shoes strapped closed and cocked his head. “Are we going to Gramma’s now?”

“Just after we drop some cakes to our new neighbours. Now. How do we greet new people?” Jeonghan sat down to zip Seungkwan’s bright yellow raincoat up.

“Hi, my name is Seungkwan Boo. Please take care of me.” Seungkwan recited, rocking forward and back on his heels, and Jeonghan smiled, pulling him close to wipe the icing smudges off his cheeks.

“Good boy. Well remembered.” Jeonghan kissed his forehead and sent him to wait by the door while he got ready and put the cakes for his mother into the car boot.

They walked over to their neighbours, Minghao babbling happily in the crook of Jeonghan’s arm, and the plastic container held carefully between Seungkwan’s hands.

“Mommy? Can I ring the bell?”

“Appa, sweetheart, and yes, go ahead.” Jeonghan corrected gently, wrapping his arm around Seungkwan’s waist and hoisting him up to press the bell.

Jeonghan’s first impression of the man that opened the door was ‘pink’. His hair was bubblegum pink and he had a pink shirt on. 

“Hi?” He greeted with a raised eyebrow and Jeonghan felt a blush rising to his cheeks.

“Hi! Welcome to the neighbourhood. We live at number 17, just opposite. We thought we’d bring you some welcome cupcakes. I hope you like fairy cakes!”

“I helped ice them!” Seungkwan piped up, leaning against Jeonghan’s legs.

A smile broke out over the man’s face, “Oh, that’s so nice of you! They’ll be eaten! My husband loves sweet things. Thank you.”

Jeonghan nudged Seungkwan forward and he handed the tray to the man, who had knelt down to take it. “Hi, my name is Seungkwan Boo. Please take care of me!” Seungkwan chirped, making the two adults smile.

Minghao chose that moment to babble loudly, and the man laughed.

“Pleased to meet you Seungkwan! And you too, baby! I’m Jisoo Hong-Choi.” He said, standing up and reaching a hand out for Jeonghan to shake.

“Jeonghan Yoon. And this is Minghao. Lovely to meet you,” Jeonghan tugged Seungkwan back by the hood, “enjoy the cakes, and feel free to knock if you need anything. My husband and I have lived here for 6 years, so we probably have all the numbers and contacts you could need.”

The man's smile broadened at the mention of his husband and Jeonghan could relate. It was so nice to meet another gay couple, and to know that the neighbourhood was accepting.

“We will. Thanks again.” Jisoo waved at Seungkwan and nodded at Jeonghan before closing the door gently.

His mother’s was it’s usual trial of endurance, but the kids loved her and she was sweet with them. Sweeter than she’d ever been with him. When they left, nearly 5 pm, the kids were exhausted and even Seungkwan was quiet on the way home, happy to listen to the nursery rhyme CD in almost complete silence.

  
  


On Saturday mornings, Jeonghan’s husband always went to visit his mother. She lived a two hour drive away in a nursing home, and each week he brought the other child with him. That week it was Seungkwan, so Jeonghan and Minghao had a bath for two hours. Saturday mornings were somewhat precious for Jeonghan. He nearly always had a bath, and spent the morning cuddling whichever baby had been left with him, cherishing the one on one time, and the peacefulness of the house.

Jeonghan put on a podcast and lit a candle, and brought Minghao’s carrycot into the bathroom, that baby hated the water, and set it up so he could see him. Minghao was only starting to babble, and Jeonghan gave him his full attention every time he tried, repeating the noises back to him seriously. It was supposed to encourage them to speak, and with how chatty Seungkwan was, Jeonghan was pretty sure it worked.

The only thing that would have made the bath better would have been a glass of wine. But they didn’t keep alcohol in the house. And it was too early.

His husband brought home dinner, and they ate fish and chips in front of a Disney film until the kids fell asleep.

“Oh, I meant to say last night, but I was so tired, I forgot. We dropped some cakes over to the new neighbours before we went to my mother’s. Two men, married. I think they have a baby too. Seungkwan was enamoured. There are some left in the fridge, we brought most of them to my mother’s.” Jeonghan said, nestling into his husband’s side. 

His husband’s hand paused in its gentle swirls around Jeonghan’s hip, “Another gay couple? Really? How old are they?”

“Around our age I think. And Asian too, he said his name was Jisoo Hong-Choi. Maybe Korean?”

“Small world isn’t it? Now, don’t bother them too much like Mrs Duffy and Mrs Summers. Be good.” The swirls started up again, slowly soothing Jeonghan into a light sleep.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Apart from a quick spanking after his mother left on Sunday evening because he’d spilled gravy on the tablecloth, the next week went without anything of note. Until his boss called him into her office on Thursday morning and handed him a folder.

“You’re not in trouble, don’t look at me like that!” Rowena smiled and motioned to the chair, “Sit, I can get Jean to bring in some coffee? Tea?”

“Tea would be great, thanks.”

“No problem. Now, I wanted to get your eyes on this. It’s the account for the fantasy department. They’ve been running a large loss over the last quarter, and for the life of me I can’t understand why. They seem to be selling more books than ever and,” she smiled at Jean as she set two mugs down in front of them, “Thanks Jean. Jeonghan, I know you’re crime and romance, but it just doesn’t make sense to me. Do you think you could check it? I don’t want to point fingers unless I absolutely have to, and I trust you more than the others.”

Jeonghan smiled, and to think he’d thought they wanted to get rid of him. “Of course. I’ll see what I can find.”

“And take your time. I just want it found properly.” 

“Thanks Rowena.” Jeonghan took the folder and the tea back to his desk with a smile, his boss was always so nice.

  
  


That night, they were eating dinner when the doorbell rang. Jeonghan went to stand but his husband waved him back into his seat, putting his napkin down and going into the hall.

“Eat up, Seungkwannie.” Jeonghan urged gently, scooping noodles up into his own mouth. He couldn’t hear anything but low murmurs from the hall, but it didn’t matter. If he needed to know, his husband would tell him.

The door closed and his husband came back in, sitting down with a smile. “That was our new neighbours.”

Jeonghan looked up from feeding Minghao his bottle, “Oh?”

“Yeah, they invited us over tomorrow night for dinner. As a thanks for the cupcakes, and to get to know us. And they’re Korean. We can bring the kids. 7 pm okay?”

“That sounds really nice,” Jeonghan smiled and turned to his eldest, “Do you hear that Seungkwannie? We’re going to dinner tomorrow!”

Seungkwan wriggled in delight and ate faster. Jeonghan met his husband’s eyes with a smile. They really had adorable kids.

  
  


Jeonghan slipped earrings in and stepped out of the bathroom on Friday night, only to be pulled into a quick waltz around the bedroom. His husband pressed kisses below his ear and Jeonghan laughed, surprised. Seungkwan pushed open the bedroom door and clapped his hands.

His husband twirled him away and then scooped Seungkwan up in his arms, swaying him around in a circle as Jeonghan watched on fondly. 

“We have to go, you two! Come on, shoes and coats!” Jeonghan interrupted and picked Minghao up off the bed in his carry cot. He was sleepy already and would probably fall asleep before they even ate, but that was okay.

They rang the doorbell and were greeted almost immediately by Jisoo, who ushered them in with a smile and took their coats. 

“Come in come in! We’re nearly ready. Seungcheol-ah just opened a bottle of wine if you’d like a glass?”

Jeonghan smiled, it was nice to speak Korean out of the house, but shook his head, “just water for me please Jisoo-ssi, but my husband will have a glass, won’t you?”

He nodded, smiling, “Please!”

“Go on into the kitchen, Seungcheol-ah will pour you a glass. Jeonghan-ssi? You don’t need to be so formal, Seungcheol-ah and I are both 1987?”

“So am I. My husband is 1985.”

“Ah, is Jeonghan-ah okay then?” Jisoo asked, bending to take Seungkwan’s coat.

It had been so long since he’d heard that. “Yes, of course. Thank you. Seungkwannie, let Jisoo-ya take your coat, there’s a love.”

“But Mommy-”

Jeonghan flushed red, and ignored the look he assumed he was getting, “Tell me.”

“I didn’t button up my top right.” Seungkwan turned and leaned into Jeonghan’s legs, and he sighed, kneeling down and putting Minghao’s carrycot on the floor.

“That’s okay. Let me see?” Jeonghan soothed and Seungkwan let him unzip his coat and fix the buttons on his shirt. “There you go, hand your coat to Jisoo-hyung, please.”

Seungkwan handed over his coat but stayed clinging to Jeonghan’s legs as he stood and picked Minghao back up.

“You can put Minghao-ya down with Hansol-ah if you want? I think they’re around the same age. He’s on his mat.”

Jeonghan peered at Minghao, he’d fallen asleep. “Maybe if he wakes up, he’s just drifted off. I’ll keep him if you don’t mind?”

“Not at all, come on come through,” Jisoo laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and brought him into the dining room. Jeonghan didn’t quite know what to do with the contact, and from the look his husband gave him when they walked in, neither did he.

Seungkwan ran off from Jeonghan’s legs to coo at the baby, squatting down beside him and touching his fingers gently.

“Be gentle, Seungkwan-ah.” Jeonghan’s husband called, looking away from Jisoo’s hand on Jeonghan’s shoulder. He was already sitting down, opposite Jisoo’s husband, and sipping on a glass of red wine.

Jeonghan set the carry cot down out of the way and was ushered into a seat. He finally got a look at Jisoo’s husband. The staring employee. He nearly swallowed his tongue.

“Jeonghan-ah! I didn’t make the connection. Jisoo-ya, we work together, he’s across the room from me.” Seungcheol enthused, leaning forward and pushing his glass to the side.

Joshua turned from the sink, where he was pouring Jeonghan a glass of water, “Ah! How do you like the company, Jeonghan-ah? Seungcheol-ah just started, he’s still finding his way.”

Jeonghan blinked rapidly, tangling his fingers in his trousers to centre himself. “Oh it’s a good company, good for a family. The head of accounts is really friendly, don’t hesitate to go to her with any issues you could have. She’s really easy to talk to. Everybody is very friendly, and of course the work is enjoyable. Ideal really.”

“What a coincidence!” Jeonghan’s husband interjected with a smile, resting his arm across the back of Jeonghan’s chair, fingertips brushing Jeonghan’s nape. Jeonghan hid a smile behind his glass of water, he would be possessive.

“What do you do, Hyung?” Jisoo asked as he sat down, timer in front of him.

“I’m a doctor in The Mater, in ER.”

“Oh, busy work. I did a rotation there, I’m a nurse. I mainly work in obstetrics these days. We match well, who’d have known?”

The food was lovely, and Jeonghan and his husband were full of praise. 

Seungkwan was happily eating with his hands, but he turned to Jeonghan occasionally with a “Mommy, help?” when something was too big and Jeonghan cut them up quickly. “Tasty!”

“Thank you Seungkwan-ah!” Seungcheol beamed across the table, and Jeonghan looked up, catching both of their eyes in quick succession before looking down at his plate. They looked… Odd.

Minghao started grousing, and Jeonghan’s husband hummed a quiet, “Jeonghan.” 

Jeonghan pushed back from the table, placing his napkin beside his plate and excused himself to pick him up, asking for directions to the bathroom.

“Top of the stairs, you can’t miss it.” Jisoo smiled and Jeonghan nodded.

“Thanks. Seungkwannie? Do you need the bathroom?” Seungkwan slipped off the chair, nodding, and followed Jeonghan up the stairs.

“Mommy?” Seungkwan sat down on the toilet and looked up at Jeonghan curiously.

“Yes baby?” Jeonghan checked if Minghao needed a change and when he didn’t, just held him against his shoulder, rubbing his back softly.

“Why is Jisoo-hyung calling you Jeonghanna?”

“It’s polite. Like how I call you Seungkwan-ah, and your brother is Minghao-ya. And how you say Jisoo-hyung. To show respect.”

“Why does Daddy call you Jeonghan then?”

Jeonghan didn’t really have a response for that. He guided Seungkwan through flushing and washing his hands while he thought. 

“Seungkwannie. Your Daddy loves me very much, and he calls me Jeonghan like a nickname. Just like honey, and sweetie, or love. Alright?”

“Okay!” Seungkwan smiled and turned to the door, “Can we have dessert now?”

Jeonghan sighed in relief. “I don’t know. We’ll have to see.”

Downstairs, all the plates were cleared away. Oh. Jeonghan hadn’t been finished. His husband just looked at him with a raised brow. Jeonghan flushed and sat down, settling Minghao on his lap, pressed against his tummy and looking out around the table, kicking happily. Hansol was sitting on Seungcheol’s lap, babbling happily and playing with his fingers. Such a dainty baby.

“Find everything okay?” Seungcheol asked and Jeonghan nodded, hooking the baby bag over his husband’s chair.

“Yes, thank you. You have a lovely home.”

“Oh we’re still half in boxes, but it’s nice to be in a house and not an apartment. We don’t know what to do with half the space we have! These houses are so big.”

“They were built for families,” Jeonghan’s husband said, “as you probably know, only about 8 years ago. It’s such a quiet neighbourhood. Have you been to the community centre yet? They have lots of classes and groups and things, it’s very well serviced.”

“Hyungs on the rugby team. They’re quite good, aren’t they? They-” Jeonghan added, and his husband reached under the table to grip his knee. He quietened. 

“Yeah, we have a match every two weeks, it’s fun. I think they have football and basketball too-”

“Now!” Jisoo interrupted, coming over to the table with a pile of plates, “We have dessert. Black forest gateau and ice cream if anyone wants that instead. Who wants what?”

“Gateau for me, love.” Seungcheol smiled up at Jisoo and Jisoo patted his shoulder.

“You two?”

Jeonghan looked at his husband, and he said, “We’ll both have gateau as well please! It’s our favourite but I can’t remember the last time I had it.”

Jeonghan hated black forest gateau.

“Can I have ice cream please?” Seungkwan asked and Jisoo nodded.

“Of course you can. Would you like to come over and pick? We have chocolate, lemon and strawberry.”

Seungkwan followed Jisoo into the kitchen without a backward glance to his parents and Jeonghan sighed internally. Lemon ice cream sounded delicious, but he took his bowl of black forest gateau without complaint, bouncing Minghao on his knee and scooping spoonfuls over his head. He ate without tasting, paying more attention to the others talking, and smiling in answer to Jisoo’s questions, using the cake as an excuse not to speak.

Jeonghan’s husband suddenly checked the time, “Oh my. Seungkwan-ah it’s well past your bedtime!”

“But Daddy-”

Jeonghan and his husband gave Seungkwan identical looks and he stopped, wiping his face and turning to their hosts.

“Thank you so much for the tasty food! And for being so nice.”

“You’re very welcome Seungkwan-ah. Hopefully we’ll see you again, and you can play with Hansollie a little more okay?” Seungcheol said with a smile and Seungkwan nodded.

“Yes please.”

Jeonghan put his spoon into the bowl and hitched the baby bag onto his shoulder, getting a nod off his husband. “Thank you for having us, it was really nice, and as Seungkwan-ah said, really delicious.”

“We’ll have to have you over for dinner too,” Jeonghan’s husband came back over with the carrycot and Jeonghan tucked Minghao into it carefully.

“Oh it was a pleasure. Thank you for coming, it’s nice to meet people with similar interests.” Jisoo stood and went to get their coats.

Seungkwan and his father went out ahead, leaving Jeonghan to juggle the baby bag, carrycot and his coat, but before he could start putting things down, Jisoo draped the coat over his shoulders, pressing them tightly in a form of a hug.

“We should do a play date, with the kids. You work part time don’t you? So do I. Drop over anytime. Seriously. For anything.” Jisoo stared at him until Jeonghan nodded.

“I wouldn’t want to be a bother, but it would be nice for the children. Sorry we had to leave in such a rush, kids you know?”

“Don’t worry about it. Have a good weekend!”

“You too, Jisoo-ya.”

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


All week, Jeonghan was suspicious. 

Since their dinner, Jeonghan had bumped into the Hong-Chois three times. On Saturday, when he went for a last minute dash to the local shop for mushrooms and an emergency cake, he’d run into Jisoo picking up flowers. On Monday, Seungcheol had come over to him in work with a mug of coffee, and leaned against his desk, chatting until they’d both finished their drinks before going back to work. And on Tuesday, after he’d dropped Seungkwan to Beavers, bought a coffee and gone for a walk around the park with Minghao in his pram, he’d bumped into Jisoo. Doing the exact same thing.

They’d chatted casually, the usual small talk about the weather, their husbands, the kids, until Jeonghan’s phone had rung. His husband had been pulled into assist on a major surgery and wouldn’t be home after midnight. Then he checked the time and had to dash off to collect Seungkwan.

It was kind of nice. The couple were lovely, and his days didn’t drag on as much when he had the mid morning coffee break to look forward to. Even if he thought they were doing it on purpose, it was still nice. Best not to look a gift horse in the mouth after all.

Wednesday brought another coffee chat with Seungcheol. Jeonghan found himself enjoying the chat, light as it was. It was nice to have an adult other than his boss, his husband and his mother to talk to.

After dinner, he switched on a David Attenborough, Seungkwan’s class was going to the zoo the following week, and he wanted him to watch something educational while he did the ironing. He put Minghao in his rocker and unfolded the ironing board, taking down the ironing bag and working through it methodically.

And then it was bath time.

He put Seungkwan into the bath with plenty of toys and bubbles as he washed Minghao in the sink, cooing at him as he scrunched his face up like a wet kitten. Seungkwan was a water baby. He loved it. Any chance to be in the water, and he’d be stripping and running into it as soon as his parents took their hands off him. Minghao on the other hand? His nemesis was the bath.

Jeonghan was not looking forward to getting a two year old Minghao washed and clean. But that, like so many other things, was a future Jeonghan problem.

“Jeonghan!” His husband shouted up the stairs and Jeonghan jumped, setting Minghao down in his blanket burrito and telling Seungkwan not to move, he went out onto the landing.

“I’m washing the kids, is everything alright?”

“You left the iron on!”

“Oh my god, is it okay, is anything burnt, is it on fire?” Jeonghan flew down the stairs in time to see his husband stand up from plugging the cord out.

“No, everything is fine. You’re lucky. Go on back to the babies.”

Jeonghan faltered for a second until his husband softened, “I’m not mad, I was just worried, that’s all. Go on, go up to the kids.”

Jeonghan nodded and turned, taking the stairs two at a time. His husband was worrying him too. After the dinner on Friday, he’d practically ignored him, even though Sunday dinner had been a minor disaster, and Seungkwan had pressed his husband on why he didn’t call Jeonghan “Jeonghan-ah”, and apparently Minghao had screamed the entire visit to his grandmother. He was on call this week. Maybe that was it.

  
  


On Thursday, after Jeonghan had yet another cup of coffee with Seungcheol, he asked him for his husband’s number. 

“Not mine?” Seungcheol asked with a smile and Jeonghan blushed into his mug.

“I didn’t mean- oh,” Seungcheol waved him off, writing the number down on a piece of paper and Jeonghan wanted the earth to swallow him whole. “I just thought the kids could play.”

“I think Jisoo-ya would really like that.”

**Jeonghan Yoon 13.06**

Hi Jisoo-ya, Seungcheol-ah gave me your number  
It’s Jeonghan by the way  
I was wondering if you’d like to come over for tea this afternoon?  
Any time after 3

**Jisoo Hong-Choi 13.38**

That would be lovely  
I’ll bring biscuits  
Thank you!!

When they got home, Jeonghan threw the ingredients for a stew in the slow cooker and did a quick clean up of the kitchen while Seungkwan did his homework.

The doorbell rang and Jeonghan took a deep breath. Guests. When was the last time he’d had guests?

“Jisoo-ya! Hi, and Hansol-ah, hello little one. Come in, come in.”

They set the babies down, happily babbling away and moving around. Hansol was a crawler, while Minghao was still just pushing himself up onto his hands. Seungkwan chatted away to the two of them happily and played with his Legos.

Jeonghan made tea and brought it in on a tray, the Korean tea set they’d received as a wedding gift. “I hope you like hwangcha. If not I have nokcha or some hongcha somewhere in the cupboard.”

“Hwangcha is perfect,” Jisoo assured him, and Jeonghan realised how lilting his voice was. It was pretty. “So, from where abouts in Korea do you hail?” Jisoo asked as Jeonghan poured.

Sitting back into the couch with the cup cradled in his hands, Jeonghan said, “Seoul. You?”

“I was actually born in the US, in California, but we moved back to Korea when I was 9. To Ulsan. My parents are still there.”

“I was born here, my mother moved over when she got married, and when my father died, she stayed. Her life was here. Even though her sisters pleaded with her to move home. But she liked it here, even though the weather is awful.”

Seungkwan had abandoned his Lego and cuddled up against Jeonghan on the couch by the time they finished the teapot. Minghao mesmerised by one of the mirrors on his mat, and Hansol grousing quietly, his lip wobbling as he prepared to wail.

“Jeonghan-ah, where's your bathroom?” Jisoo asked, picking Hansol up and grabbing his nappy bag.

“If you want to change him you can use the nursery. Top of the stairs and turn left. There’s a star on the door. Bathroom is where yours is, top of the stairs.”

“Thanks.” 

When Jisoo had gone out of the room, Seungkwan pushed up off Jeonghan’s hip, “Mommy? Why does Jisoo-hyung have pink hair?”

Jeonghan smiled and smoothed Seungkwan’s hair down, it was sticking up duck style. “He likes it I imagine.”

“Can I have lellow hair?”

“Do you mean blond? Like your daddy?”

“No, lellow like the sun, like butter?”

“Maybe when you’re older, love. Do you want to show me what you made?” Jeonghan nodded at the lego and Seungkwan jumped down, talking him through how the red blocks were the pirates and the blue blocks were, “Don’t be silly, Mommy. They’re not the sea, they’re sea monsters!”, and the green blocks were the soldiers and the yellow blocks were princesses waiting to be taught magic in order to escape from the sea pirate castle.

Jisoo came back down, only for Seungkwan to start all over again, pointing out his favourite features of the lego extravaganza.

The door opened and Jeonghan froze. He hadn’t, had he? Surely he’d said? He scrambled off the couch and padded into the hall.

“Honey, hi, how was work?”

“It was okay,” his husband reached for him and pulled him into a tight hug, sagging into him a little with a yawn, “tiring.” He paused, hearing Seungkwan’s laugh and Jisoo’s lilt. “Jeonghan, who’s in the house?”

“I invited Jisoo-ya and Hansollie over for tea, the babies are playing on the carpet-” Jeonghan explained quietly, fingers tangling in his husband’s coat.

“Okay. We’ve talked about this, sweetie. You know you should have cleared it with me, but it’s only once, so I’ll forgive you. I’m going to have a shower, and when I’m out, I want dinner and a quiet house. I’ve had a long day. Now be a good girl and give me a kiss.”

Jeonghan shook, and leaned up to press their lips together. His husband stroked down his spine slowly, and pulled away, turning him and pushing him back into the living room.

Jeonghan stepped inside and tried to smile, but he just wanted to cry, curl up in a ball and cry.

“Everything alright, Jeonghan-ah?” Jisoo asked mildly, and Jeonghan was so _so_ tempted to say no, to throw himself into the lap of this person that he’d only known for a week, and burst into tears.

But that was ridiculous.

“Of course. My husband just had a long day, you know how it is. I’d better be getting on with dinner.”

“Oh no bother. You should come over to me next week, my mother sent over a box of tea. Thank you for having me, and thank you Seungkwan-ah, for playing so nicely with Hansol-ah and showing me your Legos. They’re very well built.”

“Thank you for the biscuits, Jisoo-hyung!” Seungkwan bounced over to him and hugged his legs. Jisoo patted his back.

And then they were gone, Jisoo once again urging Jeonghan to drop over if he ever needed anything, with a quiet “Anything at all, anytime, okay?” 

Jeonghan settled Minghao into his highchair and handed him a cold teething ring to suck on while he finished off the dinner. Seungkwan was tasked with tidying up his toys. He dished up dinner just as his husband stepped into the kitchen.

“Oh, you’re a wonder,” He sighed, sitting heavily into a chair and leaning to kiss Seungkwan and Minghao’s foreheads in quick succession. “Did you two have a good day?”

Seungkwan beamed and started to tell him all about the day, who he saw, what he did, what he ate, and when he got to the part about the biscuits that Jisoo had brought over, Jeonghan barely held back a wince. He just ate his dinner in silence, finishing quickly so that he could feed Minghao, and then starting the washing up as the other two continued to talk.

A cold trickle of dread made its home in Jeonghan’s spine, and he broke a dish and a glass before he finished the washing up, his shoulders shaking with barely constrained tears.

“Seungkwan-ah, go give your Mommy a hug.” His husband instructed, picking up Minghao and taking him upstairs, presumably to get him clean and ready for bed.

Seungkwan hugged Jeonghan’s legs tightly, and Jeonghan somehow held back the tears and steadied his shoulders.

“Thank you baby.”

“Are Seungkwannie’s hugs magical like Mommy’s?”

Jeonghan slipped his gloves off and pulled the plug, kneeling down to tug Seungkwan into a proper hug, “Yes they are.”

His husband hadn’t said anything else, just dropped a kiss to his head after he’d put the kids to bed and told him to get some sleep. He had reports to fill in and not to wait up for him. Jeonghan had eventually drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

{}He was woken up by the duvets being ripped off and his shorts tugged off. He curled into himself instinctively, but there was a tutting noise and he was pressed flat to the bed. He opened his eyes with a gasp, only to be greeted by his husband's smirk.

“Hi honey, going to be good for me?”

“Please, I’m tired, it’s late-”

“That’s a no then? I knew you weren’t a good girl. Well. Don’t wake up the kids.” His husband shook his head and tied Jeonghan’s wrists to the headboard.

“Please, please don’t-”

Jeonghan’s husband pressed a finger to his lips, “shush.”

Jeonghan shushed.

“I was going to go easy on you. But this week has just been calamity after calamity after calamity, so I don’t think I will.” He opened a bottle and slicked something up, Jeonghan couldn’t see but he could hear and then feel the blunt tip of something shoving up into him, before his husband stuffed his cock down his throat. “Don’t bite.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and tried to imagine himself anywhere else. Asleep. Holding his babies. In a bath. Eating chocolate. Asleep. Talking to his neighbours. Driving.

The thing started to vibrate and Jeonghan’s eyes shot open. Not that one.

“Oh, you like that do you?”

He choked around the cock in his throat, drool dripping down his cheeks, but his husband only laughed, stroking his hair back from his forehead in faux-tenderness and fucking in harder.

“Breathe through your nose, there’s a good girl. You know how. This is all you’re good for isn’t it, baby? Filled and fucked. Fucked dumb.”

Jeonghan started to cry, and his husband pushed in deep, tapping his fingers on the outside of Jeonghan’s throat, along the outline of himself. And pulsing cum down his throat, past the need for Jeonghan to swallow it, just mainlining it into his stomach. Jeonghan cried harder.

His husband eventually pulled out and untied him, but didn’t turn the toy off, just tugged him against his front, pressing his still wet dick against his cheeks and catching Jeonghan’s hands in his own, pressing them all against Jeonghan’s chest. 

“Sleep now, like a good girl. My girl, so good for me, hm? Crying so prettily. Sleep now.”

Jeonghan eventually fell into a light slumber, tears and snot and cum drying on his face, vibrator thrumming away inside of him, and trapped in his husband’s heavy and hot embrace. {/}

His husband was gone before he woke up the next morning, early shift, and Jeonghan crawled out of bed and into the nursery, going through their morning routines, and feeding everyone porridge. Well. Seungkwan had a bowl, while Minghao had a tiny bit of baby porridge mixed with formula milk. He was thankful that the plug had either gone dead or been switched off.

Once everyone had eaten, Jeonghan put Minghao in a circle of cushions on his bed, sent Seungkwan in to get dressed, grabbed his phone and called his husband. He probably shouldn’t. But-

“Jeonghan?”

Jeonghan tugged at a thread from his pyjamas, “Hi babe, I’m just wondering, the plug-”

“Take it out, yeah, take it out. There are painkillers in the press if you need them, and Sudocrem in the bathroom somewhere, put a layer on. Honey, don’t forget to visit your mother later. And remember, we have that thing this evening?”

Ah dammit. Jeonghan had been looking forward to a bath. It would keep. Dancing was always preferable. 

“Of course, thank you. Are you picking me up or will I meet you there?”

“I’ll come home. Double check with the babysitter would you?”

“Yeah. Yeah I will. Okay. Have a good day!”

“You too sweetheart. See you later.” He could hear his husband’s smile through the phone as he hung up and Jeonghan smiled. He could do this. 

He took out the plug and had a quick, cool shower. Once he was dried, creamed, and dressed, he bent his head over Minghao to coo at him softly, wincing slightly as he grabbed onto his hair and tugged.

“Leave Appa’s hair alone baby. Are you ready to go?” Minghao kicked and laughed in response and Jeonghan gathered him up, “Let’s go find your brother.”

  
  


“Here, take this, it has extra sugar in it,” Seungcheol handed him a cup of coffee and Jeonghan smiled, a tad confusedly, at him.

“Thanks?”

“You look exhausted. Long night?”

Jeonghan blushed a deep red, “You could say that.”

Seungcheol just patted his hand, “Try and go to sleep earlier tonight, Jeonghan-ah.”

“Well. That’s going to be impossible. We’re going to a dance fundraiser. For Hyung’s hospital. I’ve been waiting for it since they announced it last month. We met dancing, did you know?”

“No I didn’t! Wow. What do you dance?”

“All the ballroom standards, and most of the swing dances. Our speciality is the Argentine Tango.”

“I’d love to see you dance sometime.” Seungcheol’s eyes were nearly popping out of his head and Jeonghan laughed.

“We should all go out, it’d be fun!”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Seungcheol shook his head as he went back to his desk, “we really can’t dance.”

Jeonghan just shook his head and went back to his work, sending off a text to their babysitter.

  
  


There was going to be food at the fundraiser, so after Seungkwan had his homework done, and Minghao was finished his screaming fit about his teddy not being the same smell as it always was. Why were babies' noses so accurate? It had been filthy! Jeonghan made a quick chicken pasta dish, handing Seungkwan a bowl of fruit just as the doorbell rang.

“I’ll be back in a second okay? Eat slowly.” 

“Mingyu-ya, hi. Come in,” Jeonghan waved their babysitter in. He was a 21 year old Korean photography student who they’d known since Seungkwan had turned one. The kids loved him and he loved the kids, and he was really trustworthy, Jeonghan always felt comfortable leaving the kids with him.

“Hi Jeonghan-hyung. Excited for tonight?” Mingyu asked as he hung up his coat and changed into his slippers.

“Yeah, it’s been so long since we’ve been dancing. How was your week?”

“Oh not too bad, I had a shoot on Tuesday with some ballerinas. They were all so pretty it was distracting, but I think I got some good pictures. How was yours?” Mingyu stepped into the kitchen to Seungkwan’s high pitched shriek.

“Gyu-hyung!!!!”

“Hi Kwannie! Are you excited to see me? Are you eating well?” Mingyu ruffled his hair and Seungkwan started talking a mile a minute.

“Mingyu-ya, I’m going to get ready, call me if you need anything. There’s dinner on the hob for you and Seungkwan-ah and Minghao’s bottle is in the fridge,” Jeonghan interrupted, nodding at the pot on the cooker, “My husband will be home in a bit.”

Mingyu smiled and nodded, before turning back to Seungkwan and listening attentively.

Jeonghan closed his bedroom door behind him with a sigh. Blissful silence.

Before he could even look at the wardrobe, his phone buzzed on the bed.

“Hi babe, Mingyu-ya just arrived.” Jeonghan sat down on the bed to answer, slipping his shoes off with the other hand.

“Hi love. I’m just leaving the office now, home soon. Why don’t you wear those new trousers I bought you? The blue ones with the wide legs? They match that waistcoat you have, don’t they?”

Jeonghan held back a sigh, he’d been going to wear the slim leg ones from years back. “Okay. Are you wearing blue too? Do you want me to iron anything?”

“I was going to wear my grey suit, I think it’s ironed. I just saw the email about the meal. There’s fish, pork or chicken. I’ve ordered you the fish, okay?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan closed his eyes, “I’ll check your suit anyway. Drive safely.”

“Okay. I always do. And take another painkiller if you need it okay? I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” His husband added with a hum and Jeonghan nodded.

“I will. Okay, see you soon, love you.”

“I love you too, baby.”

Jeonghan ironed the two suits anyway, before cleaning his face and carefully starting on his makeup. He layered concealer and foundation under a light powder and was just combing in mascara when the door to the bedroom opened. He pulled the brush away and turned his head to the bathroom door.

“Jeonghan?” His husband walked over to him, and Jeonghan smiled, tilting his head up for a kiss.

His husband cupped the back of his head and kissed him softly, pulling back to press their noses together and smile at him.

“Hi,” Jeonghan breathed, “good day?”

“Long, two attempted suicides, and the usual run of broken limbs. I can’t wait to dance, it’s been so long. What about you? How’s your mother?”

Jeonghan leaned up to kiss him again, “That’s awful. She’s good, a little nervous about her operation next week, but good. What about you, are you okay? That can’t have been easy.”

“No,” he pulled away, fingers tangling in Jeonghan’s hair and rubbing tiny circles on his scalp, “it wasn’t easy. But I’ll be okay. I bought you something.”

“Oh?”

His husband reached back into his pocket and pulled out a MAC lipstick, “thought it would match the theme of the evening.”

Jeonghan broke into a smile, “Thank you!” He took the lipstick and uncapped it, it was a deep red, and when he upturned it to check the name, he discovered it was amusingly titled, 'gay red'. He laughed, “I love it, thank you.”

“Only the best for you babe.” his husband smiled and pressed another kiss into his hair.

  
  


Once he was dressed and laced into his shoes, Jeonghan slipped into the bathroom to apply his lipstick, carefully. Once it was on, he leaned against the bathroom door and fidgeted with his hair. “This is gorgeous, such a good colour.” 

“Oh you look so pretty!” His husband looked up and stopped in the middle of doing up his laces. “That outfit is so flattering on you! You’re going to look amazing on the dance floor, the painting hm?”

Jeonghan smiled and looked down briefly, “Thanks.” The pants were cut so wide they might as well have been a skirt. There was just so much fabric and he could already see how it was going to swirl on the dance floor. If he stood still, you couldn’t even see that they were trousers, the pleats fell like a skirt.

“Ready to go? I’m starving,” Jeonghan’s husband waited for Jeonghan to put his phone and wallet into his jacket pocket, before pressing his hand to the small of his back and ushering him out of the bedroom.

“We’re off, Mingyu-ya.”

Mingyu’s jaw dropped, “Oh, wow, you both look fantastic!”

“Mommy looks so pretty!” Seungkwan gasped, hands flying to his face, and Jeonghan blushed a deep red, matching his lipstick and leaned into his husband’s side. There was no saving it, and it wasn’t like Mingyu hadn’t heard it all before.

“Thanks, baby.” Jeonghan pulled away to go and kiss his kids goodbye, while his husband got the keys and pointed Mingyu towards the usual rake of sweet treats in the press, lemonade in the fridge and the key to the game press.

“The guest room is yours for the night or we can drop you home when we get back, let us know later on. Take care, and have fun!” His husband instructed Mingyu and the kids, before steering Jeonghan out the front door and into the passenger seat.

  
  


Dinner was a blur of chit chat and speeches, and before he knew it, they were on the dance floor and he was smiling like a newlywed.

His husband smiled down at him, tugging him close into a close dance hold and splaying his fingers over the small of Jeonghan’s back. He was the frame, Jeonghan was the picture, as their dance instructor had always said.

And then they were off, his husband leading him in a hesitation waltz to warm up. They skirted around other couples gracefully, and when they reached a corner, his husband halted them, with Jeonghan stretched slightly back, showing off the flare of his trousers and arch of his back, for a full bar, before they took off again, twirling around the dance floor.

Jeonghan was beaming, floating along under his husband’s skilled direction, as they spun through waltz after waltz until the set was over, and he whisked him over to the bar.

“Whiskey neat, and a soda water and lime please.” His husband ordered, wrapping his arm around Jeonghan securely.

“Coming right up. You both look fantastic. Beautiful wife you have there.” The bartender complimented as he poured their drinks, and Jeonghan turned his head into his husband’s shoulder, mortified, but he didn’t correct him as his husband’s grip tightened on his hip.

“Thank you.” His husband smiled and paid, handing Jeonghan his drink and tugging him over to a knot of people they knew.

“You two really show us all up! Those hesitations! Such grace!” Laura, a surgeon friend of theirs, praised, and leaned up to give them both air kisses, she fancied herself quite the socialite. “I was just saying to Beth that we should take lessons too, but I don’t think we’d ever quite match up!”

“Oh, don’t put yourself down like that!” Jeonghan patted her arm, “you can do anything you put your mind to, Laura, don’t doubt yourself like that!”

“That’s very kind of you to say Jeonghan,” Beth laughed, “but she has two left feet.”

Jeonghan smiled and sipped his drink.

It wasn’t long before he was turning excitedly to his husband as the argentine tango set started and he just smiled, finished his drink and nodded at the man he was talking to, leading Jeonghan onto the dancefloor.

“You’re excitable tonight, baby?” His husband murmured, pressing him close to his chest with gentle fingertips on his spine. 

Jeonghan hooked his thumb over his husband’s shoulder, arm draped across his shoulder, “I love dancing, you know that.”

“And you do it so well.” His husband bent to kiss his hair, before he pulled Jeonghan up by his collar bone, extending his spine to the fullest. No air between them.

Jeonghan loved the argentine tango. It was sensual, sultry, seductive, yet delicate and protective. He never felt as cherished as he did during this dance. Neither did he ever feel quite so attractive. It was probably their best dance, as a couple; and it was certainly the one for which they received the most praise.

The music changed from a smooth song that Jeonghan hadn’t known into a jazzy remix of something he did. He concentrated. His husband loved this song, loved to show off during this song, show him off, show off their skill.

He started simply, a milonga for a few steps, and then a rake of front ochos, before turning his shoulders and holding Jeonghan securely and stepping back. Jeonghan fell forward elegantly, leaning his entire weight on his husband and he smiled into his collarbone, trusting. He drew a lazy decorative circle around their feet with his non-dominant foot, before crossing the foot behind his other ankle, and trusting his husband to hold him up.

The music swelled, and he was led in a quick flurry of steps and then a free swirl around his husband that sent his trousers rippling like a skirt, and had him giggling unrestrainedly, until he was caught back up in his arms and held close as the music went sharp and precise, and his husband flicked his leg up under Jeonghan’s staring into his eyes with a cocky half smile.

Jeonghan was glowing.

They finished the song with a simple pattern of ochos and a tight embrace that they held it for a beat as the next song started, fast vibrant beats and his husband laughed into his hair. They’d danced to this at their wedding.

Jeonghan slunk around his husband, trailing his finger across his chest before walking several steps away and slowly spinning his foot in a circle on the floor, confident in the knowledge that his husband was doing the exact same behind him. 

He turned, just as his husband reached for his hand and spun him back into his chest, hands low on his waist, and pressed his face to his neck.

Just for a split second, before turning Jeonghan around and leading them through a dozen interlaced kicks and flicks.

His husband swept him to the side as he brought his feet together and hooked a quick flick under Jeonghan’s thigh. He dipped him so that Jeonghan was laid out along his husband’s extended leg. Someone clapped and Jeonghan beamed up at his husband, proud and pleased.

They continued the dance in the same vein, glowing, relishing in the attention, in the knowledge that at this charity dance everyone was staring at them. Staring at them doing the thing that had brought them together. They knew most tango music back to front, having met at a beginners class 12 years ago, the only two gay men in the class, and they’d struck it off. 

His husband was a born lead and Jeonghan loved the pretty delicate flicks and swirls and dips and, just like his husband was about to do, the lifts that occurred when your partner was confident enough to make you step on your own toes and then lever you into the air with a knee and a promise, spinning them around with Jeonghan in the air and then letting him slide down his body to finish the song with his head cuddled against his husband’s chest.

He did so love the tango.

“You’re glowing, baby,” his husband laughed as the music switched to a charleston and they escaped the dance floor, gratefully accepting glasses of water off their friends and downing them.

Jeonghan tucked himself against his husband’s chest, playing idly with the buttons on his waistcoat, both of their jackets discarded ages ago, and humming. His husband’s hand was it’s usual reassuring weight on his spine.

His husband held him close, thumb rubbing circles on his hip, well used to the way dancing made him feel. He chatted over his head to a doctor from work, checking in on him every few seconds, until Jeonghan turned his head up for a kiss.

“There you are. Well done baby girl, you’re such a talented dancer,” he whispered against his lips, pressing dozens of tiny kisses against them, heedless of the eyes on them.

“You’re an amazing lead.”

“Are you alright? Bathroom? A drink?”

“I’m okay, just hold me for a bit more?”

“Of course, love.”

They eventually returned to the floor for a fast paced Lindy Bop, and again for a jive, before finishing with a quickstep set, Jeonghan practically yawning into his husband’s shoulder as they skipped and trotted around the dance floor.

When his husband spun him into the one long twirl that the music offered, Jeonghan tangled himself in his trousers, and only spun back into his husband’s arms by sheer chance, clutching his shoulders in fright and relaxing only as he was led in a smooth circle of the floor, his husband soothing him with kisses and squeezes of his hand until the song ended, and they were free to step off to the side.

“I think it’s time to go?” His husband asked as he steered them over to their table.

Jeonghan nodded, yawning, smile still threatening to split his cheeks in two, “Yeah, I’m exhausted, sorry.”

“Not at all. Fantastic night. Let’s just say goodbye and then we’ll go, okay?” he asked, draping Jeonghan’s jacket over his shoulders and taking his hand.

Jeonghan nodded again, squeezing his hand and following him over to the group.

“We’re going to head. It was lovely chatting, we’ll see you soon!”

“You both must be exhausted!! You’re such amazing dancers it was a treat just to watch you both. Drive safely!”

Jeonghan drifted on the drive home, waking only when his husband opened his door and unbuckled his seat belt. “Do you want me to lift you?”

Jeonghan shook his head slowly, “I-” he yawned, “can walk.” He leaned against his husband the whole way to the door, but once they were inside, his husband just lifted him up, bridal style and carried him upstairs, elbowing their door open and setting him on the bed.

“I’m just going to check on the kids and Mingyu, okay? Don’t fall over.”

Jeonghan stepped out of his outfit carefully, draping everything over the clothes horse and scrubbing his makeup off slowly.

He crawled into his pyjamas and slid into bed, staying awake by sheer will until his husband came in and closed the door behind him.

“They’re all asleep. Go asleep, I’ll join you just as soon as I’m finished changing alright?”

“Okay. Love you, ni-night.”

His husband laughed quietly, “Sleep well, sweetie.”

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Jeonghan rode the high of that evening all week and not even the mother-induced wooden spoon kitchen spanking of Sunday night or a tortuous visit to the hospital to see his mother post-op on Tuesday could bring him back down to earth. 

On Wednesday, he had his biweekly full day of work. He spent the day trying to find the discrepancies in the account Rowena had given him, and at 4.30 pm, just before he needed to leave, he found it and smiled triumphantly. A siphon, disguised as a failed book. Three such siphons.

There was nothing better than finding the discrepancy. He really missed investigative work, maybe he’d look into those night courses for forensic accounting, like he’d always wanted. Probably not, he didn’t have the time. 

He left at the same time as Seungcheol, who persuaded him to duck into a tiny café for a hot chocolate before he had to go collect the kids.

“I’m proud of you.” Seungcheol said, reaching across the table to grip Jeonghan’s hand, “You did a really good job.”

“Thank you! So now that you’ve been here a month, what do you think?”

“I like it. You were right, it’s a tight knit community and a lot of trust. And it’s cool that we get to read the pre-releases. That’s my favourite perk.”

“I can’t remember the last time I read a book,” Jeonghan said absently, “too busy, you know? The kids, cooking, cleaning, the kids, cooking, cleaning. And now talking to you and your husband. It’s so nice to have another adult-” he shook his head, “ignore me. Sorry. I should be collecting the kids, Mingyu-ya will be wondering where I’ve gotten to.”

Seungcheol looked at him with his big eyes and Jeonghan had to look away, gathering his coat and skirting around the table to leave. He had an awful habit lately, of saying more than he meant to say.

“Were they good for you?” Jeonghan asked as he took Minghao out of Mingyu’s arms.

“Yeah. Seungkwan-ah did all his homework and ate hummus and pita and a bowl of fruit. Minghao-ya had a bit of banana and half a bottle. He’s a bit grumbly, I think he just missed you,” Mingyu smiled as Minghao nuzzled close to Jeonghan’s chest. “But they were angels.”

“That’s good. Thanks Mingyu-ya. Any interesting news?” Jeonghan asked as he sent Seungkwan to gather his things before hooking Minghao’s bag over his shoulder and peering at Mingyu. “You look exhausted,” Jeonghan reached to press the back of his hand against Mingyu’s forehead. “Are you coming down with something? You’re all red.”

Mingyu shook his head, “I’m fine, just tired. I need more sleep.”

Jeonghan pursed his lips, “Hm. I hope that’s all it is. Get some sleep Mingyu-ya, you’re no use to me if you’re dead.”

Mingyu laughed, slightly awkwardly, and Jeonghan shot him a final worried glance before stepping out of the house and getting the kids into the car. Hopefully it was nothing serious.

When he got home, there was a letter addressed to Mr & Mr Boo on the mat. Jeonghan left it on the hall stand and went to start on dinner.

Whatever was in the letter was apparently incendiary enough that his husband stormed into the kitchen, startling Jeonghan into dropping a plate, and spinning him around by the shoulder only to step back when he saw Minghao pressed against Jeonghan’s chest.

“Honey?!” Jeonghan stepped backwards, eyes wide and clutching Minghao tightly.

“It’s okay. It’s okay love. Do you want me to take Hao? It smells fantastic,” His husband placated, flipping a switch and holding his arms out for the baby. He took him and pressed a kiss to Jeonghan’s cheek. “Hey baby, are you being good for your Mommy? You are? Oh you’re the best. Let’s go and play, hm?”

“Dinner’s nearly ready.” Jeonghan called after him shakily, before kneeling to pick up the pieces of the plate that had shattered on the floor.

He was jumpy all through dinner, feeding Minghao his bottle with a rapidly beating heart, and then through quiet time. Seungkwan sitting on his beanbag with his teddy and Minghao on his mat, listening to their daddy read the latest chapter of Winnie The Pooh.

Jeonghan did the washing up carefully. He’d already broken one plate today.

{}The minute the kids were in bed, his husband pushed Jeonghan down onto his knees in front of the couch and unzipped his slacks.

Jeonghan looked up at him, confused, and opened his mouth to say something but his husband just stuffed his soft cock down his throat with a tap to his cheek.

“Don’t move, just stay there while I think.”

Jeonghan was confused. He hadn’t - well, he’d dropped the plate, but that was a spanking at worst. He didn’t understand, And why didn’t he want him to do anything? He wasn’t a piece of furniture? And the curtains were open, anyone could see.

“We just got a letter from Seokmin Lee.” His husband’s voice was dark and Jeonghan shivered. He hadn’t heard from his friend in years, since Seungkwan turned two or three. He hoped he was okay.

“He’s performing in a musical in the theatre in town. He even had the audacity to add tickets. For the two of us. Said, ‘It would be wonderful to see the two of you, seeing as I’m in the area. I’d love to see the kids if you’re free around then, but if not don’t worry. Don’t feel pressured to attend, but it would be wonderful to see you both’. As if he knows anything about what would be wonderful.”

Jeonghan’s eyes started to water and his mouth was filled with fluid. He wanted to swallow and take a deep breath, but he didn’t dare, just let it drool out down his cheeks and blinked rapidly, breathing through his nose and feeling his throat flutter around the slowly hardening head.

“If I thought it would be good for you, we’d go, baby. But you know it’s not. Seokmin Lee is a dangerous piece of work, remember? It wouldn’t be safe for you, and you don’t like big crowds anyway. No use in getting you all overwhelmed and scared, hm?” he stroked Jeonghan’s cheek softly, thumbing away the tears from under his eyes.

The last time they’d seen Seokmin, Jeonghan’s husband had had a blazing row with him because of how close they were. Seokmin had pulled Jeonghan into a tight hug, despite the vitriol, and pressed a kiss to his cheek, said ‘you know where I am, love you’ and left, banging the front door behind him. Jeonghan hadn’t been able to sit for a week.

Maybe it wouldn’t be a good idea.

His husband obviously saw something in his eyes, because he softened, brushing Jeonghan’s hair back gently. “Good girl. No need to upset things now is there?”

Jeonghan shook his head minutely, but whined and flicked his eyes as far back as he could to the open curtains.

“Would I ever let anyone see you like this? You’re all mine baby, don’t ever worry about that. You’re so clever.” his husband crooned before starting to fuck in and out of Jeonghan’s mouth almost tenderly. Jeonghan hollowed his cheeks and tried his best to lick around the cock, swallowing it down like he was supposed to.

After he’d come down Jeonghan’s throat, and made Jeonghan open his mouth to show that he’d swallowed everything down, his husband tugged him up onto the couch, into his lap, and slipped his hand down the front of his trousers, getting him off quickly. Jeonghan hid his head against his husband’s neck as he messed the inside of his pants and his husband’s hand, cheeks wet with tears and drool.

“Baby, open up.” His husband jigged his shoulder until Jeonghan turned back and opened his mouth, accepting the cum covered digits and sucking them clean automatically.{/}

“Hyu-”

“Baby, you know better than that. If you want to call me anything it’s Oppa. You know that.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes, he did know that. He stuck to pet names mostly, his husband thought it was cute. “Oppa, I’m sorry?”

“I know you are, baby girl. I know. And it’s okay, I forgive you.” He was gentle, and even though Jeonghan didn’t know what he was apologising for, he settled happily at the forgiveness. He cuddled tighter into his husband as he flicked on the news, petting his hip and kissing his hair constantly.

  
  


Jeonghan was invited over to the Hong-Choi’s the following afternoon, where Jisoo plied him with fine Korean tea sent from home and plopped Hansol into his lap to keep him from trying to help.

“You look like you could do with some pampering. Don’t even try to move off that couch.”

“But-”

“Hush, and hold my baby.” Jisoo ordered and disappeared into the kitchen. Minghao was asleep and Seungkwan was drawing at the table. Jeonghan looked at them for a few seconds, before Hansol babbled at him questioningly, and he looked down at him, cooing and tickling him into laughter.

“You’re such a good baby aren’t you! Look at you, sitting up so strong on your own,” Jeonghan didn’t even hear Jisoo coming back in, until a cup of tea was set at his elbow, and Jisoo sat down on the other end of the couch.

“There you go.”

“Oh,” Jeonghan looked up, “Thank you.”

“Jeonghan-ah? Can I ask you a question?” 

Jeonghan looked up from where he was now cooing over the two babies, Minghao having fussed until Jisoo picked him up and settled him in Jeonghan’s lap, and Hansol had groused when he went to take him. “Yeah?”

“Have I been getting your pronouns wrong?”

Jeonghan froze.

“It’s only that Seungkwan-ah calls you Mommy and I heard your husband-”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No! No you’re not wrong, I’m a man, just like you, he-him-his et cetera. Seungkwan just gets confused sometimes, it’s my hair, but he doesn’t mean anything by it.”

Jisoo nodded and reached out to put a gentle hand on Jeonghan’s ankle, “And your husband?”

Jeonghan looked down at the babies, gripping them a tad too tightly as he held back the tears and shook his head sharply. Jisoo took an intake of breath but didn’t say anything, just shuffled up the couch and curled an arm around him.

Jeonghan stiffened. Seungkwan was staring at him. He took a breath and plucked Hansol out of his lap, settling him into Jisoo’s gently.

“I’m sorry, we have to go, I have to start dinner and the kids need a bath. I’m sorry.” Jeonghan pulled away and stood up, grabbing their things quickly through a film of tears, and ushering Seungkwan out ahead of him. “Thank you for tea, thank you, I’m sorry-”

Jisoo didn’t make any attempt to stop him, just watched with careful eyes, and bounced Hansol.

“Stay safe Jeonghan-ah, see you later Seungkwannie, Minghao!”

Jeonghan pulled his front door closed behind him and took a deep breath. Seungkwan hung up his coat and ran off to the living room. Jeonghan cried quietly into his baby's hair, Minghao screeching and fussing, but Jeonghan couldn’t put him down, couldn’t-

“Mommy?”

Jeonghan slid down the door and cried harder.

Seungkwan stepped closer, patting Jeonghan’s face with a gentle, “Mommy?”

Jeonghan pulled him into a hug and Seungkwan patted him, whispering “Love you, Mommy” over and over and Jeonghan’s heart just broke over and over again. He’d never felt so alone.

  
  
  


Jeonghan felt like he was being batted through the week from high to confusing low to unexpected comfort and back into a confusing low. So much so that when Saturday evening rolled around, he wasn’t even surprised to hear that his husband cancelled their film plans and got him to put the kids to bed an hour earlier than usual. Less surprised when he ordered Jeonghan to strip and sit on the bed quietly as his husband showered and shaved.

“Now,” his husband came out of the bathroom, pyjama pants hanging low on his hips and hair still damp, “Brace against the wall for me, baby girl.” He sounded so calm and gentle, and so in spite of himself, Jeonghan relaxed, hands at shoulder height and leaning into the wall between their bedroom and the ensuite. At least this he knew.

“I thought I told you to ask before you go and visit people. And cakes this time? Baby, you have to watch your weight.” His husband said casually as he warmed him up with a dozen spanks on each cheek.

Jeonghan sank into the sensation, “I’m sorry, I only ate one-”

“Three sets of my scrubs had stains on them this week. What’s all that about, hm?” He switched over to the paddle.

Oh shit. That had been the wash that the bleach had gotten into. “Some bleach spilled, I meant to throw them out-”

“Well you didn’t, honey. And I had to wear them. You have so few things to do, and you just can’t do anything right can you?”

“I’m sorry-” Jeonghan hiccoughed through the rhythmic thud thud thud of the paddle.

“And when I came home yesterday? Seungkwan was watching the television? What’s that about?”

“-he wasn’t feeling great, a bit sniffly and warm, I said he could watch one episode to keep him occupied while I made soup. He wasn’t watching it for more than half an hour. I promise-”

“Hm. I want to believe you, I really do. But I don’t know missy, you’re just… making a lot of messes lately. I think you need more help.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and pressed against the wall. That never meant anything good.

Something whistled through the air and landed on his backside. 

It took a second for his body to get it together and tell him what was going on, and then. 

Pain.

Complete and total pain.

He opened his mouth but he couldn’t even scream. The noises just died in his throat, he couldn’t move, his whole body just froze.

The bullwhip whistled through the air again and again and again and eventually Jeonghan managed to gasp for air. It struck him several more times before his husband tossed it on the bed, tutting.

“Did you actually wet yourself? I’m so ashamed of you. Can’t even take a light bit of correction without turning into a mess.”

Jeonghan managed to open his eyes and looked down. The smell of urine hit him in the face and he sobbed pathetically.

“Don’t move. I’ll be back in two minutes.” His husband said, leaving the room and leaving the door open. Jeonghan trembled and panted.

What if Seungkwan came in? What would he think? What was he going to do? Why did he need to leave the room? Where was he going? Everything hurt and most of Jeonghan just wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

Death would be sweeter than this.

But he wouldn’t have his babies. He could endure for his babies. The ends of the earth for his babies.

“Good girl,” His husband stroked his back, kicking the door closed before pulling his head back by the hair, twisting his hand in the length of it, and kissing him upside down. “I do love you so much, never doubt that baby girl.”

Jeonghan just opened his mouth to the invading tongue and eventual wad of spit.

“Hold it.”

He spat into his mouth again and again and again until Jeonghan was swimming in it and then he said, “swallow.” There was so much it took three swallows for it to all slide down his throat and Jeonghan started crying again.

His husband let go of his hair and Jeonghan’s head flopped forwards, disgusted with himself.

He rubbed circles on his hips and over his flaming ass, chuckling at Jeonghan’s attempts to jerk away from him, and raining a few relatively light pats down on each cheek, just because he could.

Jeonghan tried to drift, but the pain was too strong, too anchoring.

And then he moved to his cleft. Jeonghan whimpered.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to fuck you.”

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou-”

“Shush, love.”

Jeonghan shushed.

He pushed something long and knobbly into his ass and then patted him lightly. “Come on, into your pyjamas now.”

Jeonghan pushed off the wall slowly, shuffling over to the bed and changing quickly. He collapsed into bed and closed his eyes.

*His husband lay down beside him a few moments later and Jeonghan was startled awake when his ass started burning.

“Ow-” he hissed quietly and his husband kissed his shoulder.

“Did you think a light whipping was enough?”

“What-”

“Ginger, sweetie. I’ll take it out in a half hour. You can sleep now if you want? Or we can watch some TV?”

“Hold me? Oppa, please.” Jeonghan asked, whimpering and trying not to irritate anything, his head felt too big for his body and he wanted hugs and praise and cream. 

His husband wrapped his arms around him, kissing his ear and neck and slipping his hand under Jeonghan’s top to draw circles on his tummy. “Good girl.” 

Jeonghan didn’t sleep well. 

Even though the ginger had been taken out ages ago, everything stung and he kept twitching. His husband had an arm over his waist and tapped him sharply.

“Stop squirming or I’ll do something else, hm? Be a good girl and take your medicine and go to sleep.” The order came sleepily into his hair and Jeonghan tried to be still. He really tried.

But everything burned. His backside, he hadn’t even put cream on it or a wet cloth, and his hands, his eyes, his feet, his back, it burned so much. **

  
  


He clearly fell asleep at some point because the next thing he knew, he was being kissed awake by his son. 

“Mommy? Mommy? Daddy said to come down for breakfast.”

Jeonghan jerked up, hand flying to Seungkwan’s back to stop him flying off the bed, “Oh baby, I’m sorry, Appa is sorry-” 

He tried to move, but everything flamed. He whimpered.

“Mommy?”

And now he’d worried him.

“I’m sorry love, I’m sorry, just give me a second.”

A second passed, a minute passed, he still couldn’t move.

“Baby? Can you go get Daddy and ask him to come up please?”

“Jeonghan?”

“I,” Jeonghan couldn’t meet his eyes, “I can’t stand.”

“Oh love,” his husband picked him up bridal style and brought him downstairs, placing him on a chair and kissing away Jeonghan’s hisses. “It’s okay, after you eat you can have painkillers, okay? And I’ll put cream on after a shower. You’re okay.”

Jeonghan nodded. “Okay. And for dinner?”

“We’ll see how you feel okay?”

Jeonghan nodded, digging into his breakfast with a smile. “And this Thursday, can we have Jisoo and Hansollie over for a play date? Around 3 pm to 5 ish?”

“Of course you can, thank you for asking baby girl, you’re so good.”

Jeonghan flushed, and turned to cut Seungkwan’s sausage up into tiny bits.

* His husband settled the kids down with an episode of a Korean children’s program, and told Seungkwan he was only to come upstairs if he was hurt. He then carried Jeonghan back upstairs and set him down on the toilet ignoring Jeonghan’s quiet, “I can do it myself.” 

“Does it still sting?”

Jeonghan nodded, eyes downcast and his husband hummed, taking a packet out of the bathroom press and hooking it over the shower door.

“We’ll clean you out and you’ll feel better, promise.”

Jeonghan looked up, shaking his head immediately, not that, “Please no, I’m sure it’ll go, I’m okay, I don’t need one of them, please no-”

“Shush, shush, love it’s okay,” his husband pressed a finger under Jeonghan’s chin, “it’s okay. Do you trust me?”

“Of course.” He did, didn’t he?

“Then trust me in this alright? Enemas are good for you. And I’ll be here with you the whole time. You’ll feel much better afterwards, okay? Cleaner and more comfortable. I promise.”

Jeonghan shook and leaned into his husband’s hip, whispering, “I don’t want to.”

“I know you don’t love,” he gentled fingers down Jeonghan’s spine, “but sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do.”

Jeonghan ended up on his knees, head pillowed on his arms as his husband slowly inserted the nozzle and released the valve, letting the water flow in gently. He couldn’t stop shaking. He’d only ever had two of these things and he hated them. And never as much water as he was getting right then.

“That’s enough surely?” Jeonghan gasped as his husband eased him onto his side, kneeling down beside him and rubbing soothing circles onto the slowly stretching skin of his belly.

“Don’t you want to be clean for me? Hm?”

Jeonghan closed his eyes, breathing deeply and gripped his husband’s wrist, “Kiss me?”

He pressed his lips gently to Jeonghan’s in response, so gentle Jeonghan momentarily forgot about the water but then his stomach decided to cramp up and he whined, tears slipping from his eyes.

“Please?”

“Just another little bit, love, you’re taking it so well, so good for me, such a good girl.”

Jeonghan was flushed red, it felt so demeaning, so base, and the pet names weren’t helping.

His husband eventually clamped the tube, easing it out with the order to “hold it.” And helping Jeonghan up onto his feet, standing behind him and resting his hands under the swollen part of his stomach. “You look pregnant, baby girl.”

Jeonghan looked down. It was an exaggeration. He was swollen, noticeably so, but not all as big as that. He flushed anyway as his husband started up a stream of praise into his ear about how pretty he’d look if he could get him pregnant, how well he’d carry a baby, how good he’d be, he was such a good mother already, he’d be even better if he birthed them himself, wouldn’t he?

His husband cupped his belly and massaged his thumbs into the skin, mouthing at his shoulder. “So pretty, so pretty.”

Jeonghan whined again, it was all becoming too much, his husband turned him around and gathered him close, running his hand up and down his spine in soothing strokes.

“Such a good girl for me, my good girl, holding this so well, so prettily, with so little complaint. What are you?”

Jeonghan didn’t even think, “Your good girl.” The words came out automatically and he flushed a deep uncomfortable red when he heard them leave his own mouth. His husband laughed lowly and kissed him, a deep searching kiss that left Jeonghan feeling owned and out of his own skin.

His husband guided him down onto the toilet after that and pressed gently on his stomach, “Let it all out now, baby girl.” Busying himself with cleaning and packing away the enema apparatus to give Jeonghan a semblance of privacy, before stripping and helping him into the shower. **

Jeonghan zoned out as much as he possibly could until dinner, he didn’t feel like Jeonghan. He felt like some other person, someone else. Like he was watching himself. Watching some super feminine version of himself. He closed his eyes.

Whatever about how much he had hated the enema, he didn’t sting after it, and he was so quiet and not relaxed, but pliant, afterwards, that nothing went wrong with dinner. His mother even complimented him on the potatoes! And his husband couldn’t stop kissing him and telling him how good he was, how clever he was, how pretty he was swamped in one of his husband’s shirts and a pair of jeans, and how homely he looked.

Jeonghan was so emotionally drained that he just fell asleep the minute his head hit the pillow. 

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Monday was hell.

Jeonghan woke up feeling hung over, but he hadn’t had alcohol in years, his husband said he got too drunk too quickly; and he hadn’t stayed up late. His whole body felt bruised even though it wasn’t, he had a headache, and no appetite.

He clung to his husband until they both had to leave, confused and uncomfortable.

“Baby girl, it’s okay. Go into work and call me if you need me okay? You’re alright.” His husband soothed as he stepped into the car and Jeonghan managed to get the kids to school and creche before parking in the work car park and crying into a handkerchief.

He was still sobbing when the radio went to the 9 o’clock news and he really needed to get out of the car, but he couldn’t stop crying and he didn’t want to ring his husband so early, he’d barely left the house, so he’d probably be in theatre. Even though he knew he’d pick up, he always picked up, or a nurse did, he needed to go into work.

Someone tapped on the window pane and Jeonghan jumped. He wiped at his face uselessly and turned, it was Seungcheol.

“Are you alright?” Seungcheol mouthed through the window and Jeonghan? Jeonghan didn’t know what to do or where to look.

Seungcheol opened the car door and Jeonghan just sobbed harder. “Hey, hey, don’t do that, it’s okay, whatever it is, it’s going to be okay. I promise,” Seungcheol tried to comfort him, searching through his bag for a tissue and unfolding it quickly, handing it over to Jeonghan. “Blow your nose, and maybe we can go and get tea? You can tell me what’s wrong if you want to?”

Jeonghan breathed rapidly and blew his nose several times, dabbing at his eyes with the tips of the tissue. He knew he looked terrible. There should be concealer and powder in his dash somewhere-

“There you go. Do you want another tissue?” Seungcheol had softened his voice from it’s usual timbre to something Jeonghan imagined he used with Hansol, and the tears threatened to resurface. He shook his head, scrambling through the dashboard for the makeup.

“Thank you.” Jeonghan managed after he flipped the mirror up and dropped the makeup back into the dashboard pocket.

“Not a problem.”

Seungcheol was quiet as they took the stairs up to the office, breaking off from Jeonghan to beeline into the kitchenette. Jeonghan sat down and opened up his computer, checking emails methodically, before Seungcheol settled a mug of steaming hot tea down in front of him.

“If you want to talk, I’m here.” Seungcheol said quietly, tucking a slip of paper with his own phone number and email address under the mug and stepping off to his desk.

Jeonghan slid the slip of paper between his fingers. If he wanted to talk. What was there to say? I’m so pathetic at life that my husband has to spend his time fixing my mistakes and then I cry over it? He folded the slip of paper and went to put it in the bin, but something stopped him. 

They didn’t push. The Hong-Chois. They didn’t push and they didn’t pry, they just offered and let him decide if he wanted or needed to take. And they were nice. He’d only known them a month but he felt like he’d known them for years. And even though he didn’t know much about them, they were easy to talk to and easy to relax with and they were friends with him. Not with his husband. Not that they weren’t friends with his husband. They just weren’t _his_ friends. He liked them.

Jeonghan tucked the slip of paper into his briefcase.

Work helped him centre himself. 

By the time Seungcheol came over with coffee, Jeonghan was able to push down the shaky part of him and smile at him in thanks. “How’s your account going?”

Seungcheol sighed, “Not good. There are like four people who won’t turn in their receipts. But it’s fine. They’ll come.”

“You can always talk to Sam,” Jeonghan nodded over at a desk in the corner, “he terrifies everyone. If they won’t hand them in tell them you’re putting Sam on it. They’ll get them to you in ten minutes.”

Seungcheol looked at the man in awe, only looking away when Sam looked up, brows furrowed and Jeonghan smiled at him. Sam gave him a half nod and looked back down to his work.

“Really?”

“Yup. Crime used to be terrible at receipts,” Jeonghan sipped his coffee slowly, “but not anymore.”

“Right, I will definitely use that tip.” Seungcheol stared into his mug, sadly empty, “Right, I better get back to it. See you later.”

Jeonghan smiled and turned back to his own computer, whizzing through the final two hours of work, and clocking out with a smile and a wave to Seungcheol.

However, once he got the kids home all he wanted to do was curl on the couch with crappy TV and cuddle them. But he needed to make dinner. And the kids weren’t supposed to watch TV. Hell, he wasn’t supposed to watch TV.

He dithered for a bit in the kitchen as Seungkwan, picking up on his mood, quietly pulled out his homework. Even Minghao was quiet, nibbling at his toes and waiting for Jeonghan to pay attention to him.

His husband had said ring at any time, and he did always pick up. Jeonghan stared at the phone. He felt… too busy and too still all at once. He dialled the familiar number.

“Jeonghan-sweetie, is everything okay?”

Whatever steel Jeonghan had found earlier to hold himself together vanished at the soothing timbre of his husband’s voice and he barely managed to step out of the kitchen before he burst into quiet tears.

“Jeonghan? Oh baby girl, it’s okay, it’s okay.”

Jeonghan sunk down the wall and leaned into his knees, crying harder and clutching the phone tightly to his ear.

“I promise what you’re feeling will pass, it’s alright. Do you want me to come home?”

“Can you?”

“Of course I can. I’ll be home soon okay? I’ll do dinner, go and cuddle the babies and put on TV or something, alright? You’ll feel better. I promise, okay?”

Jeonghan nodded, “Okay okay okay okay-”

“I’ll be home really soon okay? Take some deep breaths. Do you want me to put you on speaker for the way home? It’s no trouble-”

“I’ll cuddle the kids.” Jeonghan hiccoughed and his husband hummed soothingly.

“Good girl. See you soon.”

Jeonghan stood up slowly, sliding the phone into his pocket and headed into the kitchen, switching the kettle on. 

“Mommy?”

“Mommys not feeling too well baby. Do you want to watch TV with me? And Minghao?” Jeonghan gripped onto the counter and breathed.

Seungkwan ran over to hug his legs and Jeonghan smiled, bending and picking him up, settling him on his hip. He pressed sloppy kisses to Jeonghan’s cheeks until he made him laugh and Jeonghan hugged him close.

“Oh I do love you so much, Seungkwan-ah.”

“Love you too, Mommy.”

When his husband came home, not even a half hour later, the three of them were tangled together under a few blankets watching Ask The Story Bots, a semi-educational cartoon that wasn’t the worst thing to watch as an adult.

His husband came straight over to them and kneeled down in front of Jeonghan, reaching out to take his temperature gently. “Hey, how are you feeling?”

Jeonghan stared at him for a long time before he managed a quiet, spacey, “Vacant.”

His husband hummed at that, and held his hand tightly. “Okay. Did you have tea?”

“I put the kettle on?”

“Okay, I’m going to make you a cup and then we’ll talk ok?”

Jeonghan nodded, cuddling Minghao tightly and closing his eyes against the sting of tears.

His husband came back with tea and rearranged them all so that Jeonghan was leaning back against his chest with the kids in his lap. Jeonghan relaxed a bit at the contact, and took the mug in increasingly steady hands, sipping it and letting the hot liquid soothe him more.

When he finished the mug, his husband set it on the table and wrapped his arms around him, humming some song under his breath.

“Mommy? Can I go play?” Seungkwan asked, swinging his feet and Jeonghan nodded.

“Quietly, baby.”

Seungkwan slipped off the couch and pulled his Lego box out of the shelf in the corner. 

“How do you feel now, love? Just as vacant? Or more present?”

“A little better. I don’t understand, I was fine at work?”

“You had something to do then. It’s okay. We can order in if you want? Or I can cook?” he laughed a little. He wasn’t a great cook.

“Order in, Oppa please,” Jeonghan mumbled, turning to cuddle into him more. His husband stroked over his hip and Minghao snuffled in his sleep.

“Okay. You can nap now if you want, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”

  
  


Tuesday was better, he still burst into tears before work, and ended up excusing himself to the bathroom to call his husband twice before 2 pm, but he didn’t feel as absent from his body as he had felt on Monday. His husband was gentle, really gentle. He’d slept topless the night before to give Jeonghan the skin-to-skin contact he’d been craving, and had kissed him awake and showered with him that morning, reminding him to call whenever he needed.

After Jeonghan and the kids had had dinner, he brought Seungkwan to Beavers, and stopped off in a café to get a take away hot chocolate before a stroll through the park with Minghao.

Unsurprisingly, he bumped into Jisoo. Sans Hansol this time, just jogging with earphones in. He stopped, a surprised smile blooming on his face and tugged his earphones out.

“Jeonghan-ah! Hi! I would hug you but I’m really sweaty right now.”

And Jeonghan, who had been doing so well that afternoon, had to take several deep breaths and look up at the sky, take-away cup threatening to crumple under his suddenly tight grip.

Jisoo stepped closer with a frown, “I can still hug you? I don’t mind? I was just thinking of your nose?”

Jeonghan was nodding and turning into the hug desperately before he even knew what he was doing, shoulders shaking with dry tears. Jisoo patting his shoulders and murmuring something about how it was ok, let it out, Jeonghan wasn’t listening.

The hug went on for way longer than hugs between casual acquaintances went, but Jeonghan supposed that they were friends now and that Jisoo hadn't pushed him away, so he mustn’t mind.

Minghao screeched at a squirrel, bringing Jeonghan back to reality and he slowly pulled back, meeting Jisoo’s worried look with a shaky half smile.

He didn’t want Jisoo to worry. Really, when someone cries on you in a park you’re going to worry no matter what. But he didn’t want him to worry, and that was the only excuse for the stream of slowly more incriminating babble that left his mouth once he opened it. At least that’s what he convinced himself later.

“I’m sorry for running out on you on Thursday, I didn’t mean to offend. Oppa said you can come over to ours on Thursday? If you want I mean, you don’t have to. I just, I enjoy our chats, I have so few friends, it’s always nice to talk to someone with kids, and -” He probably would have continued for the next hour but Jisoo put a hand on his wrist, gently.

“I’d love to. You had nothing to apologise for, I pried. I shouldn’t have.” Jisoo started walking and Jeonghan pushed the pram along beside him.

“You didn’t pry. Neither of you pry.”

“Well I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and I’m sorry that I did.”

“It’s alright.”

Jisoo made a frustrated noise, but didn’t say anything for a bit. They just walked in companionable silence.

“Do you want to talk about why you were crying? Can I help?” Jisoo asked tentatively as they neared a bench and Jeonghan pondered it for a bit.

“I just don’t feel quite in my body this week. Intense weekend. Oppa said I dropped, or something. I don’t understand but he said it’s normal. It’ll pass I think. In the meanwhile I just feel crap,” Jeonghan heard what he’d said and winced, “and I apparently have no brain to mouth filter. I’m sorry. I shouldn't have said half of that.”

“No it’s okay. You mean your husband?” Jisoo asked delicately and Jeonghan flushed a dark red, and turned his face away. 

This was why he didn’t call his husband 'Oppa'. It stuck on his tongue and led to situations like these. 

“I’m not judging you, it’s fine,” Jisoo laughed, “goodness knows the weird things that Cheol-ah and I get up to in the bedroom. Don’t be embarrassed.”

Jeonghan managed a smile. He wouldn’t be, not really, if he picked the title. 

Jisoo seemed to pick up on his reluctance to expand and took over the talking, telling him about things that had happened in work, or things that Hansol had done that day, until it was time for Jeonghan to collect Seungkwan from Beavers.

“Do you, do you want a lift home?” Jeonghan hesitated at the park gate to ask. They only lived across the road. It wouldn’t be a trouble.

“Only if it’s not going to cause problems for you. I can always do a longer run or call Cheollie. It’s fine, Jeonghan-ah, really.”

Jeonghan bit his lip. His husband shouldn’t be home until after the kids were asleep, and he did just bump into him at the park, that was okay wasn’t it? “No it’s okay. It’s okay.” He nodded several times and Jisoo caught his gaze worriedly. “Come on, I need to get Seungkwannie.”

Seungkwan screeched when he climbed into the car to see Jisoo in the front seat, and started telling him every single thing that had happened since he’d seen him last. It was only when they got home that Jeonghan realised that that included all the times Jeonghan had burst into tears. He avoided Jisoo’s eyes as he unloaded the kids from the car.

Jisoo stepped over to him and put a hand on his shoulder, “Jeonghan-ah? If you need anything ever, please call me.” He waited until Jeonghan nodded to step away. “Thanks for the lift!”

By Thursday morning Jeonghan was back to himself fully. He rolled out of bed with his alarm and went straight to the nursery, crooning at Minghao as the little boy woke up, stretching and yawning. “Daaaababaa!”

“Your daddy is still asleep sweetheart, just me this morning darling. Up you come,” Jeonghan picked him up under the arms and held him up in front of him, cooing and rubbing noses with Minghao as the baby giggled and squirmed in his arms. “Jisoo-ya and Hansol-ah are coming over later to play! Yes they are! Are you excited? Will you share your toys like a good boy?”

Jeonghan laid him on the changing table and popped the onesie open, slipping it off and blowing bubbles on his stomach. Minghao peeled with laughter and Jeonghan smiled, taking his nappy off and cleaning him up, patting talc all over and setting the bottle down with a tap so that it would all poof up into the air. 

“What do you want to wear? Frogs or stars?” Jeonghan asked, holding the two outfits up and waiting for Minghao to move either way. Minghao turned his head left and kicked his legs and Jeonghan smiled. “Frogs it is!” Jeonghan worked Minghao into a clean nappy and his frog onesie with tiny green socks, why were babies so cute? Just so utterly tiny and squishable and uh he wanted to squish him, but he just kissed him all over instead.

The two of them were giggling when his husband came in and wrapped an arm around Jeonghan’s waist, pulling him back to his chest and hooking his chin over his shoulder. He looked down at the baby, beard bristles scratching Jeonghan’s cheek.

“You need to shave.” Jeonghan whispered, fingers caught in Minghao’s fists.

His husband hummed and nuzzled into Jeonghan’s cheek. “So do you.”

“I shaved yesterday!” Jeonghan hadn’t had proper facial hair since he got married, it just wasn’t attractive on him.

His husband just hummed and nuzzled closer. “You smell like baby.”

Jeonghan leaned back into his arms, bringing Minghao up to get a kiss, “Look who nearly said Dada this morning!”

“I heard, so proud of you baby! You’re so clever!” he peppered kisses on Minghao’s nose, “ And you’re so clever too babe,” he turned and Jeonghan turned to meet him, kissing him gently, over and over and over, until he pulled back. “Got to go to work. How are you feeling?”

“Good, I’m good, back to normal. One more kiss?”

He leaned back in and kissed him carefully again, hand tugging at Jeonghan’s hair, and pulled away, leaning his forehead against Jeonghan’s. “Love you. Have a good day.”

“You too.”

  
  


That afternoon, Jeonghan found himself leaning into Jisoo for split seconds, before catching himself and pulling back or away or stepping away or leaning to pick up a baby or something. It was just unfamiliar, being on the couch with not his husband. That was all.

Jisoo was polite and gentle. He didn’t bring anything from their conversation up, just talked about work and the babies and how hard it was going from full to part time and his worries about going back to full time. 

Nearing the end of the afternoon, he asked, quietly, if Jeonghan would like to come over the next night for dinner. “Maybe your husband can mind the kids? Give you a bit of a break?”

Jeonghan actually pondered the answer. Actually pondered it!

“I’m sorry, thank you for asking, but I can’t.”

“That’s okay, no worries. What about Saturday morning for brunch?”

Jeonghan shook his head again, “I’m sorry, not this week. Thank you for asking.”

“That’s ok,” Jisoo patted his hand, “do you mind if I use your bathroom?”

“No not at all, you remember where it is?”

“Same as mine right?”

Jeonghan smiled, and Jisoo stepped around him out into the hall and up the stairs. Jeonghan slipped down onto the floor and picked up a rattle to try and get the babies to crawl over to him.

When they were leaving, Jisoo gave Jeonghan a tight hug. “Jeonghan-ah, I’m concerned for you. You deserve to not be afraid.”

Jeonghan’s hand flew to his mouth and he stared at Jisoo. “I’m not afraid.”

Jisoo nodded sadly, “Okay. Whatever is happening is not your fault, okay? And if you need help or want to talk, I’m here for you.”

“Okay,” Jeonghan whispered and pulled Jisoo back into a hug, squeezing tightly before letting him go and waving goodbye.

Jeonghan lay awake in bed that night, wrapped tightly in his husband’s arms, even in sleep. He lay awake thinking. 

_It’s not your fault_. That was what Seokmin had whispered when he’d hugged him goodbye, meaning Jeonghan had presumed that it wasn’t his fault that his husband didn't like Seokmin. 

_It’s not your fault._

But it was. His husband only ever corrected him when he made mistakes. He wasn’t, he wasn’t abused? Was that why Jisoo had said ‘only if it’s not going to cause problems for you’? But, it was normal to be worried about your husband’s reactions. But even as he thought that, he knew it was wrong. He knew his husband was abusive sometimes. He knew it wasn't normal to be constantly referred to as a woman when you were a man. Or, or the other things. But he hadn't had anyone actually notice before. Or care. _You deserve not to be afraid._ He was always afraid. Afraid that one of the kids would call him Appa, that dinner would burn, that he’d do something wrong that he didn’t even know was wrong, and that it would end up in pain and tears, and he didn’t know when it’d all started. 

When they got married, well. His husband had always liked him clean shaven. But that wasn’t a crime. 

And he never cooked. But that wasn’t abuse.

And the sex.

Was it rape if they were married? Surely not.

But. But he didn’t like it. It hurt. He didn’t want it. He said no. All the time.

It’s not that he didn’t like sex, he just, he just didn’t always want it or feel comfortable about it, but his husband didn’t seem to care anymore.

Jeonghan wriggled out of his husband’s embrace and took his mobile into the bathroom. He opened an incognito tab and typed in marital abuse.

He cried himself to sleep.

  
  


{}Friday evening, after the kids eventually fell asleep, his husband crowded Jeonghan up against their bedroom door and kissed him gently, suckling on his lower lip and sliding his hands down the back of Jeonghan’s pants, squeezing and rubbing.

Jeonghan pulled his face away, “Love, I’m not in the mood.”

His husband just hummed and kissed him again.

“Honey, please, I don’t want to have sex tonight.” Jeonghan set his hands on his husband’s shoulders.

“Course you do baby girl, haven’t touched you all week, and you’re already hard for me, don’t you trust me? You know I’d never hurt you.” He crooned into his ear and Jeonghan closed his eyes, tears rising up his throat.

“Please?”

His husband just picked him up and settled him on the bed, tugging his trousers down and spreading his legs, kissing up each thigh. Jeonghan closed his eyes and pretended he was anywhere else.

It was easy to pretend he was dancing, or singing, or doing Pilates, oh he hadn’t done Pilates in so long-

“Baby girl, look at me.”

Jeonghan opened his eyes slowly, coming back into his body. The breath knocked out of him and he just started to cry, but that only made his husband move faster, swiping tears away with his thumb and crooning about how pretty he was, what a sweet girl he was, how tight he was and Jeonghan’s eyes sank closed, please be over.

He vaguely remembered being cleaned up and put into pyjamas, but he was curled into a corner of his head and crying, so he couldn’t be sure. {/}

  
  


Jeonghan was woken by kisses, “Morning sweetie, I’m off now. Bringing Seungkwan-ah to visit my mother alright? I just put Minghao-ya beside you. He’s changed. Be good.”

And then the doors closed behind him and Jeonghan rolled over, staring at his baby, thinking about what he’d read and what Jisoo had said and even Seungcheol. They’d said ‘anytime’. ‘Anything’. The websites had said to make a safety plan. Maybe Jisoo would have a photocopier. 

He trailed his finger down the bridge of Minghao’s nose. He had an adorable nose. Ever since his husband had put him into his arms for the very first time, Jeonghan’s heart had been inexorably tied up in loving him. In loving the two of them.

His husband loved them both too. He did. He’d never lay a hand on either of them. They were as much his as they were Jeonghan’s, and if he left him… 

Jeonghan closed his eyes, tears welling up under his eyelids and slowly spilling over.

He loved him. But, he loved himself too. Jisoo was right in that he deserved not to be scared. He’d like to be treated a bit more like an equal. It wasn’t like he made much less than his husband, well, respective to the fact that he worked part time. And his husband had never touched his money. According to the websites, that was pretty rare. But he liked to spoil him, and they had a joint account for the kids. On paper their relationship was perfect.

But perfect wouldn’t ignore his pleas to stop. Perfect wouldn’t spank him for burning a cake. Perfect wouldn’t call him useless or fuck him with the curtains open and their kids next door. Perfect wouldn’t do a lot of things.

But he could be sweet. And he was good with the kids- Well. 

He wasn’t, they weren’t the Hong-Chois. It wasn’t 50-50. Sure Jisoo worked part time, but once Seungcheol came home he was free to go out, see friends, go for a run, take a nap. They shared the cooking and the cleaning and the shopping. And Jisoo was going back to full time in a few months, they were just getting Hansollie used to the minder before they left him there for a full day.

Jeonghan? He’d been part time since Seungkwan. There was no talk of full time even when Minghao would be in school. Because “well, you need to keep the house in order and collect them from school. Maybe when they start secondary.”

Jeonghan got the two of them dressed in a hazy silence. He hunted out the baby sling that he hated using, and wrapped Minghao to his front securely. Then, he went around the house with a large envelope and gathered up treasured photos, their marriage certificate, the kids’ adoption papers and birth certs, the deed to the house that was in both of their names, his car papers, their wills, PPS numbers and bank statements. He set the envelope on the kitchen table and dug through his wardrobe for an old haversack, placing pyjamas and three changes of clothes for him and the kids into it with a teddy that Minghao hadn’t seen yet and a blankie that Seungkwan had rejected that month. And a few pieces of makeup that he loved but hardly wore. A spare key.

He checked the time, and then not quite believing what he was doing, made his way over to the Hong-Chois’ front door and rang the bell.

“Jeonghan-ah?” Seungcheol opened the door, still in his pyjamas. A dressing gown thrown on loosely over the top. “Is everything okay?”

Jeonghan stared at his slippers and took a deep breath. He looked up. “You said anything and anytime?”

“Cheol-ah? Who is it?” Jisoo called from inside and Seungcheol opened the door further, beckoning Jeonghan inside.

“Jeonghan and Minghao.”

Jisoo came out into the hall immediately, “Jeonghan-ah? Is everything okay?”

Jeonghan bit his lip, suddenly overwhelmed in the face of the two of them, looking at him like they cared. He managed to shake his head, placing the rucksack down gently and gulping for air. “Can you, can you-” he held his breath, “Do you have a photocopier that I can use to make copies of everything in this folder?” 

Seungcheol looked at him and nodded, “Of course, it’s just through here.”

They left Jeonghan for a moment, after showing him how to use it. Jeonghan smiled tightly at Seungcheol before starting the arduous process of photocopying every single item.

He was about half way done when Jisoo came in and handed him a cup of coffee. “You look like you need it. Do you want to talk?”

Jeonghan paused long enough to take a sip, and put the next document in before turning to look at him. Jisoo was still in his pyjamas too. He was cradling his own cup of coffee, and looking at Jeonghan with just comfort. Was that a facial expression? No judgement, no expectation of an explanation, but just comfort.

“You said you were concerned.”

“I did say that.”

“I did some research. And, and, and I kept saying no-” Jeonghan closed his eyes tightly, running a hand up and down Minghao’s spine and praying that he wouldn’t burst into tears again.

Jisoo took the mug of coffee out of his hand gently, and folded him to his chest, petting his hair and swaying slightly.

“It’s not your fault.”

“But sometimes I burn dinner, or or or I’m bad?” 

“You don’t deserve to be hurt or punished for making a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes.”

Minghao wriggled, and Jisoo pulled back a little, “Hey little man. You’re still asleep, aren’t you? Have either of you had breakfast?”

“Can I leave these here, with you?”

“Of course you can. Do you want to leave the haversack too?”

Jeonghan nodded, “Please? I, the website said to make a safety plan?”

“That’s alright, we’ll take good care of it. Do you want to finish your photocopying and put everything back and then we can have breakfast and talk. Only if you want to. No pressure.” Jisoo went to smooth Jeonghan’s hair back, but stopped himself at the last minute, hand hovering awkwardly in the air for a second before he pulled it back.

Jeonghan nodded. The quicker he got everything back, the less anxious he’d feel.

After quickly and carefully putting everything back where he’d found them, Jeonghan checked the time. It was still early. His husband had probably only arrived at his mothers. He padded back over to his neighbours.

Seungcheol put a few pamphlets on the table after they’d all eaten, outlining different support services and helplines for male victims of domestic abuse. Jeonghan burst into tears.

It felt like if he’d ignore it it would go away, but he knew it wouldn’t. He knew it wouldn’t get better, it was only getting worse. His husband had brought home a dress on Thursday, put it in their closet with a kiss to his brow and said, “You’re gonna look so pretty.” Jeonghan didn’t want to wear it. And he’d seen a new whip in the drawer under the bed that he wasn’t supposed to look in, but an earring had fallen down and he’d just seen it. Still in the packaging. What would be next? And every week he called himself ‘mommy’ more, or didn’t correct Seungkwan as much, and he. When he thought about it, it scared him. Where was it heading?

Jeonghan used the Hong-Chois’ home phone to ring a helpline. Sitting in their guest bedroom with the door locked and Minghao downstairs playing with Hansol.

It was the most terrifying thirty minutes of his life.

But the man on the other end of the line was kind. He didn’t push, or tell him what to do; just talked him through his options. He could move into a refuge centre with the children for as long as he needed. He could apply for a barring order that would prevent his husband from being in the house. Divorce. Support groups. Social workers. 

And then he listened. Listened while Jeonghan haltingly explained what his husband did. How he felt out of his skin most of the time. How sometimes he woke up in clothes he hadn’t fallen asleep in, and how he spanked him a lot, whipped him sometimes and really liked the paddle. He didn’t like it, never said yes to it. How could he make him stop?

The man on the other end of the phone, Daniel, was scarily unflapped, just making soothing noises when Jeonghan’s voice started to edge the line of tears, and when he ran out of strength to say anything else, Daniel told him that he’d “Done such a good job. I know it might not seem like you’ve done much, but you have. I’m so proud of you for ringing this support line and for telling me everything that you told me. I hope you can contact one of the outreach centres. But if you can’t you can always ring us at any time of the day or night. There’ll always be someone here to answer the call.”

Jeonghan went into the bathroom to wash his face, wincing at how completely dead he looked, before trudging down the stairs.

“How are you feeling?” Seungcheol asked from the couch. Jisoo and the babies were on the floor and the TV was on low in the background.

“Drained. But a little lighter.” Jeonghan dithered in the doorway, but Jisoo waved him over to the couch.

“You look like you need a hug, and Cheollie got a medal for that in college. Borrow my husband for a while.”

That, combined with Seungcheol’s open arms, made Jeonghan sink into them unselfconsciously. Searching for comfort. He could see why Seungcheol won a medal for hugging. He was really warm, and solid, and Jeonghan felt like someone was just sucking the stress out of him. He burrowed tighter into the embrace and closed his eyes.

What it was like to be held by someone who cared.

Jeonghan nearly fell asleep, tangled up in his neighbour, listening to their babies and Jisoo chatting beside them. It was warm, and Seungcheol was carding through his hair gently, what was Jeonghan supposed to do? Not melt?

“It’s 1 pm. You’d better be getting back.” Jisoo murmured quietly into the silence and Jeonghan blinked rapidly. Maybe he had fallen asleep.

“I’m sorry-”

“Not allowed apologise. That word is banned in this house,” Seungcheol rumbled, “not unless you can explain why.”

Jeonghan blinked, what _was_ he apologising for? “Sorry for falling asleep on you, I didn’t mean to. And thank you. For everything.”

“Anytime.” They said in chorus, and smiled.

Back in his own house, with a mug of lemon tea and a bowl of sliced peaches, Jeonghan tried to find the energy to start the apple tart and marinade the meat for Sunday’s dinner, but he just sat there, Minghao bouncing happily on his knee with a rattle.

He found the energy, of course he found the energy. Just because he’d made some life changing decisions didn’t mean he had been freed of any of his obligations, or that things would magically change.

Dinner was quiet.

Seungkwan was exhausted from his day out, they’d gone to a park afterwards and he’d run himself out. Minghao was tired, he had been teething all week and the pain was starting to take its toll. Jeonghan was quiet, thinking. And his husband was quiet too. Still in the way that usually made Jeonghan trip up, drop things and hurry the kids out of sight. But Jeonghan was too lost in thought to take the usual hints.

The kids went to bed after a Pixar Short about a ball of yarn trying to fit in with a new company, with no complaint. And in bed, Seungkwan only had one request for an extra story. Jeonghan of course, obliged, reading him the next chapter of James and The Giant Peach, pausing three pages in to turn off the mainlight and creep out, Seungkwan had fallen asleep.

In his bedroom, laid out on the bed, in vivid technicolour, was a long, pink, indie festival dress. It had puffed sleeves and a v-neck and was printed with hundreds of tiny strawberries.

Jeonghan took half a step backwards and shook his head. “Oppa, I don’t want to wear a dress, I’m not a girl.”

“Only girls say ‘Oppa’. Isn’t that right baby girl? What are you trying to prove here? You’ll look so pretty, like an angel, hm? Don’t you want to look nice and pretty for me?” His husband crooned, standing up from the bed and walking towards him slowly.

“I really don’t want to.” Jeonghan whispered. It wasn’t that the dress wasn’t pretty or gorgeous or that he didn’t actually want to wear it. Uni Jeonghan would so have put it and a pair of heels on in order to make all his friends question their life choices. Or because he wanted to wear them. And had done so. Often. But that had been over 12 years ago. And he didn’t want to wear this right now. He didn’t want his husband to call him a girl, because there was a difference between cross-dressing and identifying as another gender.

“Why not? It’s so pretty and it’s gonna go so well with your skin tone,” his husband feathered his hand through Jeonghan’s hair and tugged a little to get Jeonghan to look up at him. “I want you to. Do it for me.”

Jeonghan shuffled forward to lean against his husband, taking breaths and trying not to cry. “Why?”

“Why the dress?” His husband asked, wrapping his arms low around his back, “I saw it and thought it would suit you so I bought it. Why do I want you to wear it? Cause I still think it’s a shame you wore a suit to our wedding, and I kinda want to fuck you in a dress.”

Jeonghan shivered, and his husband laughed low.

“Oh you want that too do you, baby girl? And because I’m the best, and I saw your face when I bought you lipstick last month, I got a matching shade to the dress! It’s called Kinda Sexy, so let’s see if you can embody that energy. The dress will make you look softer, hm? Come on, you’re going to look so pretty. I promise. And I’ve never lied to you have I?”

Not unless he was insulting him, no.

His husband bent to nibble his ear and kiss a trail down his neck. “Baby girl, come on. It’s Saturday. Do it for me. Please?”

Something in Jeonghan snapped and he took a tentative half step towards the bed, reaching out to feel the fabric. It was so soft. It was going to feel like a hug. 

He chanced a look back over his shoulder. His husband was leaning against the door with a soft smile playing at his lips. He looked, he looked like the man he’d married. The man he saw when they went dancing. That man would never hurt him.

Jeonghan picked the dress up and held his hand out for the lipstick. His husband handed it to him with a kiss to his forehead and Jeonghan rooted through his underwear drawer for something appropriate before stepping into the bathroom and flicking the lock.

His husband put on music. Something dreamy, probably that artist he loved so much, Nine or Ten or something. Jeonghan always thought it sounded like brothel music.

Jeonghan stared at himself in the mirror, took several deep breaths and stripped.

The dress was really pretty. And the lipstick was gorgeous. And his husband never hurt him when he was dressed up or playing pretend. He was always softer, wasn’t he?

He stepped into seamless compression shorts and shimmied the dress over his head, gasping at how pretty it was even before he’d tied the laces at the front. It fit him so well, even though he had no chest. He tied the laces and turned this way and that, enjoying how the fabric swished around his legs, and how the silky smooth lining settled on his body. It felt expensive.

After indulging himself for a handful of minutes, he started on his makeup. Wiping everything off with a large dollop of cleanser before starting afresh with just powder and a pale pale blush, the slightest touch of mascara, and applying the lipstick carefully. 

He smacked his lips and looked at himself.

He looked pretty fab, if he did say so himself.

His hair though... Brush it? It wouldn’t hurt and he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, it was bad enough that it nearly brushed his elbows when left down. It didn’t need anything to make it look more feminine.

Once he’d deemed himself ready, he unlocked the door, leaning in the doorway with a blush staining his cheeks and his hands fisted in the skirt’s fabric.

“Oh sweetie,” his husband breathed, “you look amazing. Oh you look unreal. Come over here, don’t be shy.”

Jeonghan swished his way over to his husband, who tugged him down into his lap and nuzzled into his hair, hands smoothing the fabric down Jeonghan’s body.

“You’re so perfect, so so perfect for me.” The words were crooned into his ears, and Jeonghan snuggled closer into him, he’d missed this.

He was so tender. So gentle. So careful. Jeonghan was _melting_.

{}He rucked Jeonghan’s dress up to his hips gently, kissing him constantly, until Jeonghan was boneless and moaning quietly; gripping one of his husband’s hands tightly.

“Baby, baby girl, look at me,” his husband kissed him gently until he opened his eyes, “there you are, can you hold onto the sheets? Just for a moment while I open you up, hm? I’m not going anywhere, promise.” 

Jeonghan gripped the sheets in response and his husband kissed him again, leaning to grab the lube and prepping him so slowly and thoroughly that it didn’t hurt at all. Jeonghan nearly sobbed from that alone.

He skirted his prostate with just enough pressure that Jeonghan’s breath kept hitching and catching, and his eyes were filled with slightly overwhelmed tears. His husband kissed them away, and pushed in slowly, taking Jeonghan’s hands; gripping one and laying the other over his stomach.

“Talk to me baby girl, how do you feel?”

“Soft.” Was all Jeonghan could manage, and his husband kissed him, humming against his lips.

“Pretty? You’re soaking, so good for me.”

“Delicate, cherished, kiss me?” Jeonghan chased him when his husband pulled away, searching for the comfort, the tenderness.

He gave it to him with no complaint, licking into his mouth with tiny movements, drinking up Jeonghan’s moans and ahs of pleasure. He was so gentle, so soft, so caring, Jeonghan didn’t even realise he was going to cum before he was arching off the bed and biting his lip to keep quiet, before sinking back into the pillows with drowsy eyes and flushed cheeks.

His husband laughed gently, “Did you enjoy that sweetheart?” Slowing down to a gentle grind and waiting for Jeonghan to answer him, peppering kisses over his collarbones.

“Mmmhmm, sleepy,” Jeonghan tightened his grip on his husband’s hand, “you can keep going.”

“Thank you.”

Before long, Jeonghan was squirming with the over-sensitivity, whining and squeaking against his husband’s lips.

“Can you cum for me again sweetheart?”

Jeonghan just blinked at him, what, no, they never, the fact that Jeonghan came was big enough, what?

His husband laughed, the sound vibrating through Jeonghan’s body, “I know you’re tired, but do you think you can cum again?”

Jeonghan made a confused noise and nuzzled into his husband’s cheek. He just kissed him gently, and reached down to pet him through the dress’s gauzy skirt. Jeonghan whined.

But combined with his husband's pinpoint accuracy, the relatively loose grip through the fabric had Jeonghan teetering on the edge before long and he lifted his hand off his belly to wrap it around his husband's neck, grinding up into him and moaning quietly against his lips.

And then his husband lifted Jeonghan’s hips up off the bed, pushing in one final time and stroking around the head of Jeonghan’s cock until they were both cumming. Jeonghan whined and panted, and his husband kissed him through it, humming praise against his lips.

When his husband eventually pulled out, Jeonghan watched with bleary eyes as he got a warm washcloth from the bathroom and cleaned them both up, before helping Jeonghan out of the dress and into pyjamas, carrying him into the bathroom, setting him on the toilet seat and handing him his toothbrush.

Jeonghan was falling asleep against his husband’s hip, sated and tired, but mentally exhausted.

“Sweetheart, you have to spit out the toothpaste, don’t fall asleep yet,” his husband laughed, tugging Jeonghan up and holding him against his chest as he rinsed his mouth out. “Do you want me to lift you into bed?”

Jeonghan turned in his arms and nodded sleepily, “Tops off?”

“Sure, you’re a needy little thing aren’t you?”

Jeonghan just nuzzled closer in response and the moment his husband slipped both of their tops off, pressed himself as close as he possibly could to him, falling asleep within seconds.

  
  


Sunday was hazy. He stayed tucked against his husband’s side for as much of it as he could, nuzzling the babies when he couldn’t, and thankful that he’d done most of the dinner prep the day before.

The door rang at around 2 pm, and Jeonghan excused himself from the table to answer it, his husband following him out and wrapping an arm around him. Jeonghan curled into him even as he opened the door.

It was Jisoo. 

“Hi, sorry to disturb you, but we were cleaning and we found this hat, is it Minghao-ya’s by any chance?”

Jeonghan’s husband looked at him gently when he didn’t answer for a few seconds, spaced out. “Baby?”

Jeonghan took it slowly, “Yes, thank you, sorry.”

“No harm done, enjoy your Sunday!” Jisoo smiled brightly before darting a look at Jeonghan. Jeonghan curled tighter into his husband’s arms, too hazy to try and parse that.

After they closed the door, Jeonghan’s husband laughed quietly, “You’re so spacey today, sweetheart.”

“Sorry?”

“No, it’s my fault, it’s okay. Don’t worry about it.” His husband cooed gently, and kept him close for the rest of the day, kissing him and praising him at every opportunity. So much so that by the time they were going to bed, Jeonghan felt more himself, less hazy, more solid.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Whatever magic had gotten Jeonghan through the previous week relatively decently, ran out on Monday morning.

Their alarm didn’t go off, which was of course Jeonghan’s fault, and Seungkwan had had a nightmare and wet the bed. And Minghao was in a terrible mood.

Jeonghan tried to placate everyone. He showered Seungkwan down gently, telling him it happened to everyone, it was okay, they’d air out the mattress later, nobody needed to know. He made up a bottle for Minghao even though he usually had porridge for breakfast, pressing him against his skin to try and calm him down. He kissed his husband awake with apologies and a cup of coffee, but of course. The controlled, “Jeonghan you should have woken me up the moment you realised” only boded bad things.

Oh and when he arrived at work, Seungcheol hovered, concerned. “Jeonghan-ah? Were you okay yesterday? Jisoo was worried. He just wanted me to ask.”

“I was fine, just hazy. How was your weekend?”

Surprisingly, that answer seemed to make a lot of sense to Seungcheol, his mouth opened in an o and his eyes lit up in understanding. Jeonghan didn’t understand him sometimes.

“It was good, we went to the zoo on Sunday morning. Hansollie was so excited to see the penguins, it was pretty adorable.”

And then he got a call from the school about fighting, and had to rush to collect Seungkwan earlier than usual. 

“Mr Yoon? For Seungkwan Boo?” The secretary looked up from her clipboard and raised an eyebrow at Jeonghan.

“Yes, that’s me. Is he okay?”

“He’s just here with his teacher. If you’d follow me?” She stood up primly and Jeonghan sighed internally. He hoped this wasn’t going to be serious.

“Mommy!” Seungkwan bounced over to Jeonghan and he kneeled down to draw him into a hug. “I’m sorry!”

“Thank you baby, let’s hear what your teacher says, okay?” Jeonghan stood up, but drew Seungkwan back against his legs, hands crossed over his chest. “Miss Bunting. If only we could have met in different circumstances.” It was only the smallest dig at the fact that she kept cancelling parent-teacher meetings, but by the looks of her wide eyes, it flew right over her head.

“Mr. Yoon?”

“Yes, that’s me. My husband and I kept our surnames. The boys have his. The office has the relevant paperwork if you’re concerned.” Jeonghan was not in the mood for that.

“No, no, that’s not it. Well, I confess I’m in the wrong. I must apologise. Seungkwan you weren’t incorrect. I’m sorry, I hadn’t realised that your… _Mommy_ was your father.”

“Heteronormativity is so hard isn’t it? You see, when all the media tells you that you should have a Mommy and a Daddy, it’s rather hard to call one Appa.” Jeonghan smiled.

“Quite.” She looked slightly faint, “Seungkwan, normally a Mommy is a female. Your Mommy is a male. So in that case it’s alright to use he and him, but not normally.”

Seungkwan nodded, and held Jeonghan’s hand tightly, “So I’m not in trouble?”

“No. No you’re not. I’m sorry Sir, for calling you out of work.”

“Thank you. Can I take Seungkwan home now?” Jeonghan checked his watch, “It’s nearly 1.30 pm.”

“Yes, of course, and again, my apologies.”

That was another reason why he wanted Seungkwan to call him Appa, but in this case? In this case it felt very good to just shatter someone’s worldview. It was rather empowering.

They had a little while before he had to pick Minghao up from creche, so Jeonghan drove them to a library, and let Seungkwan run off and look through the books. Oh he used to love libraries. The smell of them, the silence, the knowledge. He’d briefly pondered becoming a librarian. Very briefly.

“Can I help you, Sir?” The librarian at the desk asked quietly and Jeonghan looked at him. He looked vaguely familiar. 

“I wanted to get a library card? Can I do that now?”

“Yes, of course. You will need proof of address and ID, but other than that it’s pretty straight forward.”

“Of course,” Jeonghan rummaged through his bag for his latest bank statement, “I don’t need-” He cut himself off. Of course he didn’t need his husband’s permission to create a library account, that was ridiculous. “Can I opt out of correspondence?”

“Not normally, but if there’s a specific reason?” The librarian took his ID and statement with a raised eyebrow.

“My husband, I’m not supposed to join things without him.” Jeonghan looked away. The websites had said libraries were safe places.

“Oh. Oh of course. Yes. We won’t send you anything or ring alright? Don’t worry.”

After he got himself a library card and Seungkwan picked out a book about lobsters, they went off to collect Minghao.

Back home, Jeonghan set Seungkwan up with his homework and some hummus and carrot sticks, put Minghao into his playpen and went to scrub Seungkwan’s mattress. They had mattress protectors so it didn’t take long, just a sheet change and a bit of Febreze around the bedroom. Jeonghan left the window wide open, and threw everything in the washing machine on a high heat.

He knew his husband was going to be pissed off about being late. He knew it. And so maybe he made a quick stop off in his bedroom and changed into a slightly more feminine shirt and added some barely there lip gloss. It wasn’t wrong to try and minimise the eventual fall out. Right?

“Hi darling, how was work?” Jeonghan met his husband at the door and leaned up for a kiss, apron still on over his clothes.

“I was late,” his husband grumbled, “but it was ok. The usual.” He hung up his coat before catching his arms around Jeonghan’s waist, digging his fingers in hard enough to leave bruises and kissing him hello.

He smiled tightly through dinner, giving the kids minimal attention, before following Jeonghan into the kitchen with the plates and closing the door behind him.

{}“I was _late_ , baby girl.”

Jeonghan blanched. He’d thought that had been it.

“Bend over and let me see your hole, there’s a love.”

Jeonghan didn't move, didn't want to move, the kids were just next door, he didn't-

"What's gotten into you lately? I said bend over. Now."

Jeonghan turned and bent over, hands on his ankles and biting at his lips as his husband jerked his trousers down around his knees and pulled his briefs down around his thighs. He spread Jeonghan wide and spat into him. Jeonghan shook in shame and embarrassment.

“Oppa, please?”

“Please what, sweetheart? I’ve had a long day. I almost missed theatre because you made me late, and where would that have left the patient? Hm? And I was so irritated all day. The only thing that kept me from snapping at everyone was the thought of sinking into your tight heat. You always take me so well honey, you’re not going to stop now are you?” 

He sunk into him slowly and it was only Jeonghan’s sheer force of will that stopped him from screaming. He hadn’t stretched him. He hadn’t used lube. The contrast with Saturday night couldn’t have been more stark if he’d tried. It hurt so, so much.

Jeonghan went to that place he always went to. Happy and safe and soft. He seemed to spend more time than ever there these days. It was starting to seem like he spent longer there than he spent here.

When he blinked back to the painful reality, his husband was pulling out of him, cum warm, and spitting into him again. He turned the tap on and leaned over Jeonghan, pushing him into the counter door, to rinse something before pushing it into him. It was scaldingly hot. Jeonghan whimpered, but his husband just fixed their trousers and pulled him up into a hug, patting his back.

“All over now, I’m not mad anymore. I love you remember? My best girl, so wet for me, so warm and tight, I could stay there all day.”

“Oppa,” Jeonghan cried, shaking and clutching nonsensically at his husband’s shoulders, “it hurts, it hurts-”

“Stop that now. I know it hurts, how else will you learn baby girl? Hm?” He whispered into his hair before pulling away and spinning Jeonghan back around to face the sink, “Finish up the washing now. Be a good girl.”{/}

Jeonghan cried through the rest of the washing up and brought the kids upstairs for their bath.

"Mommy? Why are you crying?" Seungkwan asked as Jeonghan handed him some rubber ducks to play with.

"Crying? I'm not crying baby."

"Mommy your cheeks are wet." Seungkwan said seriously and Jeonghan smiled. He was going to be such a sassy boy. 

"Nothing serious. Seungkwannie? Can you tell me where Jisoo-hyung and Hansollie live?"

"Mommy you asked me that yesterday."

"Well then you'll know! Just tell me." Damn it he didn’t mean to snap, he breathed and smiled and Seungkwan touched his cheek again.

"Will you stop crying?"

"Of course, baby." He tried to smile.

"Jisoo-hyung and Hansollie and Cheol-hyung live across the road. The yellow door."

Jeonghan swiped at his eyes, "Thank you, Kwannie. You're so clever. Now. I think we'll bake tomorrow, what would you like to make?"

Seungkwan’s eyes went wide, "Can we make bikkies? With flies?"

Jeonghan laughed, "Raisins?"

"Yes!! Flies! The big bikkies?"

"Of course we can. Will you play nicely while I wash your brother?"

Seungkwan nodded and tugged the bag of toys into the bath, pulling out the small wheel and spinning water through it happily.

Jeonghan washed Minghao in the sink to his loud screeches of hatred and promised baby revenge. 

"You're nearly clean love and then you don't have to touch the water. Promise. Just a few more seconds," Jeonghan soothed as he rinsed Minghao's hair. The child screamed blue murder.

"Jeonghan! Control that boy! I'm on the phone!" His husband rapped on the door and Jeonghan shushed the baby more forcefully.

"Please Hao-ya please be quiet. For me? I'll get you a rusk in a second okay, just one more rinse just one more and look you're done! That wasn't too bad was it?" Jeonghan pleaded, scooping him up and pressing him, dripping wet, to his chest.

Minghao went silent immediately, snuggling into Jeonghan's neck and Jeonghan sat down onto the bath-mat.

"Mommy?"

"Give me one second, Seungkwan-ah, please."

Jeonghan closed his eyes tightly and rubbed Minghao's wrinkly back. He was so tired. He wanted hugs and someone to take care of the kids for just two hours so he could have a nap. Or a massage. Or like, a walk in the park with some music. But mainly sleep.

"Mommy?" Seungkwan asked again and Jeonghan opened his eyes. Seungkwan had given himself a sudsy beard.

"Oh you look adorable."

"Fierce!"

Laughing, Jeonghan agreed, "Very ferocious! Like a pirate!"

"Arr!" Seungkwan growled, brandishing a suds covered duck as a sword and Jeonghan smiled. He could always count on his precious kids to cheer him up.

He swaddled Minghao in a soft purple blanket and settled him in the corner of the bathroom, on a pile of blankets.

"Time for your wash baby, are you ready?" Jeonghan asked Seungkwan as he knee walked over to the bath.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes. You have to be clean! Please cooperate with me, baby?"

"What does ‘cooperate’ mean?" Seungkwan asked, splashing the bathwater. 

"It means do as you're told. Work with me. Can you do that?" Jeonghan raked his fingers through Seungkwan's hair, trying to keep his voice gentle but he was just so tired.

"Okay Mommy."

Jeonghan tried to wash Seungkwan as quickly as possible, his arms were sore, his head was sore, he was tired.

"Mommy? Why did you stop?"

"Sorry sorry, here we go, let's rinse your hair. Head back, close your eyes," Jeonghan poured water over Seungkwan's head a few times and then put the cup on the lip of the bath. "Okay. All done. Up you get, gently now, lean on me," Jeonghan steadied him up, "ok and out you come!" 

With a whoosh he swung Seungkwan out of the bath and onto the bath mat, towelling him down and then draping his astronaut bath poncho over his head with a kiss.

"Come into the nursery with me while I get Minghao-ya dressed okay?"

Jeonghan curled into a tight ball on his side of the bed that night, body shaking with barely contained sobs. 

“Baby? Are you still upset?” His husband peered at him from behind his book, “I hope you didn’t take that plug out.”

Jeonghan didn’t quite hear him over the sound of his own racing heartbeat, and so when his husband slipped a hand down the back of his pants to tap the base of the plug, Jeonghan shrieked.

His husband tugged him bodily into his lap and kissed his hair, running soothing hands up and down his sides. “Baby girl, I’m not mad at you, you’re okay. You took everything so well, so good for me aren’t you. You’re okay, just breathe for me, love.”

Jeonghan was so confused. He just, he felt like someone kept plunging him in and out of a big bucket of water. Every time he was convinced he was going to drown, that this was it, he was pulled to the surface and it all started again. He cuddled desperately into his husband’s chest, crying messily, and on the edge of hyperventilation.

“Calm down. Breathe. Behave.”

Jeonghan tried to swallow the sobs, tried to catch his breath, tried to swim to the top, but he couldn’t he didn’t understand anything anymore, he didn’t _understand-_

His husband hitched him up and spanked him sharply, seven times on the backside.

The crying was shocked out of him and he started to breathe.

“There you go. Come on, breathe normally for me. There’s a girl.”

Jeonghan curled back into his husband’s chest, still crying, but breathing normally. “Oppa~”

“I know. I know. Let’s go and get you all cleaned up, and then we can make hot chocolate. I think there’s a tango event on Friday, do you want to go?” his husband crooned, rocking him gently and Jeonghan nodded, nuzzling closer, shaking.

“Okay sweetheart. I’ll get us tickets. You’re okay.” He gathered him up in his arms and brought him into the bathroom to blow his nose and wash his face, before carrying him downstairs and tucking him into the corner of the couch with a blanket while he made hot chocolate.

Jeonghan fell asleep before he came back, waking up the next morning in bed, pressed against his husband’s chest.

“Morning sweetheart. How are you feeling?” 

Jeonghan blinked and flexed his hands in the bedclothes. “Exhausted.”

“I bet. You really cried yourself sick last night. Do you want to take the day off work? I don’t want you to make yourself sick. I can drop the kids in if you want to take a bath or stay in bed?”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and sunk into his husband’s embrace, nodding slowly, “I’m so tired.”

“Okay, love. Do you want me to ring in? Or do you want to send an email?”

“Can you?”

“Of course,” he smoothed Jeonghan’s hair back off his face, “I’ll bring you breakfast before I go, alright? You can take that plug out whenever you get up okay? There are painkillers and a numbing cream in the bathroom if you feel like you need them okay?”

“Okay.”

“Good girl. Okay, let me up?”

Jeonghan reluctantly scooted away and nuzzled down into the pillow while his husband tucked the blankets around him and hopped into the shower.

Jeonghan drifted in and out of sleep until his husband brought the kids in to say goodbye.

“Mommy!” Seungkwan petted his face, “Daddy said you’re sick? Get better soon!”

“Thank you baby, be good in school, okay? Work well, and I’ll see you later. Okay?”

“Yes Mommy!” Seungkwan kissed his face and Jeonghan grinned into his hair.

His husband settled Minghao on his chest for Jeonghan to coo at and kiss, before he scooped him back up and leaned down to kiss Jeonghan himself. A deep, searching, soothing kiss, that left Jeonghan sleepy and soft.

“Bye babe, have a good day at work.” Jeonghan murmured and his husband smiled at him softly.

“See you later Jeonghan. Call me if you need me.”

Jeonghan slept till noon and then dragged himself into the bathroom for a steaming hot shower. He worked the plug out, and had a small cry at the slightly pink sludge that came out of him, before applying some of the numbing cream and swallowing a painkiller.

It was lunch time, so after he’d gotten dressed into his (husband’s) softest jumper and his most worn pair of jeans, Jeonghan rang his husband, putting him on speaker as he made a sandwich.

They chatted about work and the kids and the weather, his husband urging him to be careful on the roads, the rainfall had been intense the night before. And when there was a lull in the conversation, Jeonghan gathered up his courage and whispered, “What’s wrong with me?” 

“Honey?”

“Why can’t I do anything right? Why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I be,” Jeonghan closed his eyes tightly, clutching his mug, “Why can’t I be what you want?”

“Oh you are, sweetie, you are so perfect for me. Don’t ever worry about that. And you do things right when you’re helped. That’s okay, I don’t mind helping you out and giving you some incentive every now and then. Don’t worry about that sweetheart.”

His husband sounded so confident in that, so assured that it was true, Jeonghan nodded a little and stared blankly out at the window.

“And the crying? Remember it was the same when Seungkwannie was little? It’ll pass, you know it’ll pass.”

Jeonghan remembered. He didn’t remember often, he’d had no support when they’d adopted Seungkwan. None of the Cuidiú groups accepted men, it was just him, the baby and his husband. But his husband had been working and Jeonghan had been on unpaid leave for a few months, and he’d just cried constantly. Messed up constantly.

Sometimes he wondered if he’d actually gotten over it or if he’d just accepted it.

His husband interrupted his thoughts with a gentle, “Jeonghannie? Don’t worry alright? Finish your lunch and collect the kids and I’ll be home around 5 pm okay? I’ll drop Seungkwannie to Beavers, and we can go for a walk along the pier. Would you like that?”

“Yeah. Yeah that sounds great. See you later?”

“See you later, stay safe.”

“You too.”

Jeonghan collected the kids and did homework and tummy time and playtime and reading and then made dinner all in the same quiet haze. Meeting his husband at the door with a hug and pressing his face against his neck tightly. His husband swayed them gently and rubbed his fingers in circles on Jeonghan’s neck, humming slightly.

“You’re okay. You’re okay. Oppas got you, you’re okay.” Repeating the sentiment over and over and over until Jeonghan pulled away, cheeks wet.

“Dinner,” his voice broke, “dinner is on the table.”

“Thank you sweetheart. You look cosy, is that my jumper?” his husband caught him back into a hug, rubbing his back this time, and Jeonghan bit his lip to hold back the tears. He nodded. “You look so cute in my clothes. Do you want a kiss? Or a hot chocolate? What about a glass of wine? I bought some last weekend, you can have a glass. How about that, baby?”

A glass of wine honestly sounded amazing, but “I get messy?”

“Only a little glass, you’ll be fine.”

“Yes please. And a kiss too,” Jeonghan pulled away and stretched up on his toes to press his lips against his husband’s. He still felt weak and small and ridiculously confused, but his husband was home now. It would be okay.

They ate dinner in comfortable silence, broken occasionally by Seungkwan and Minghao’s chattering and their parents' responses. Jeonghan drank a tiny glass of wine, savouring the first taste of alcohol he’d had in years, and his husband kept touching him. Gentle touches to his wrist or elbow or ankle; constant assurances that he was there.

They dropped Seungkwan to Beavers and went for a really nice walk, the wind whipping through their hair, Minghao babbling away in the baby sling on Jeonghan’s chest, and his husband’s hand secure in his own.

Jeonghan slept soundly that night, waking up to Minghao’s babbles and the alarm, and smiling through his morning routine, kissing his husband goodbye and assuring him that he was fine.

In work however, he was shaky on his legs all day. So much so that Seungcheol insistently offered to drive him to pick up the kids from Mingyu’s.

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive? Jeonghan-ah you’ve nearly fallen over five times today. I’m worried for you.” Seungcheol followed him down the stairs with a pleading puppy dog expression of worry. It was a very confusing face.

“I’m fine. I promise. I just sat down for too long, alright? You can follow me in the car if you’re really worried okay? I promise I’m fine.” Jeonghan put his briefcase in the passenger seat of his car and rounded the car to the driver’s seat.

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol trailed him around and Jeonghan nodded.

“I’ll be fine. Promise. I’ll text you when I’m home and everything.”

“Okay, okay. Drive safely, call me if you need me.” Seungcheol finally nodded, and Jeonghan pulled the door closed.

He turned on the radio and put the car into reverse, backing out of the parking spot and pulling out of the car park. His legs were fine. He just kept zoning out. Which he wasn’t going to do on the drive home. Not at all.

He arrived safely at Mingyu’s house and Seungkwan ran into his arms the second he opened the door.

“Mommy!! Missed you and Minghao-ya won’t stop crying!”

Jeonghan swung him up onto his hip and wiped his tears away with a thumb, “Hey baby. Did you have a good day? I’m here now,” he looked up at Mingyu, “Hi Mingyu-ya. Are you feeling better? You’re still flushed and it’s been two weeks. Are you sure you don’t need to see a doctor?”

“No, no, I’m fine. Deadlines coming up, you know how it is.”

Jeonghan smiled.

“Minghao-ya is fussing, I think he’s cutting a tooth or something, or maybe he just really misses you. He’s right through here. Do you want a coffee? You look exhausted too if you don’t mind me saying, Hyung. Or,” Mingyu halted, “should I be calling you Noona? I’m sorry if I messed up-”

“No, hyung is perfect. That’s what I am after all.” Jeonghan smiled, slightly tightly. He was really getting fed up with these gender questions. Can a man not have long hair and wear lip gloss?

“Right, sorry. Coffee?”

Jeonghan looked at him, the man looked frazzled. “Sure. If it’s not an inconvenience. Let me just put the kids’ things in the car alright?”

“Okay, take your time, not a problem.” Mingyu shuffled off into the kitchen and Seungkwan sighed loudly into his ear.

“Mommy, I’m tired.”

“I know baby, let’s just be strong for another while and then you can go to bed. Okay?” Jeonghan bounced Seungkwan on his hip for a moment until Seungkwan nodded.

“Okay Mommy.”

“Good man. Will you go and gather your things?” Jeonghan set him down and Seungkwan ran off. Jeonghan went in to tend to the screaming Minghao. 

He was red cheeked and wailing and Jeonghan leaned over him, waiting for Minghao to recognise him. He stopped screaming nearly immediately, eyes going wide and tears rolling down his cheeks.

“Aw, baby, did you miss me?” Jeonghan asked as he picked him up gently, snuggling him close and kissing his tiny head. “Mommys here now, you’re okay, it’s all okay.”

Seungkwan ran in to tell him that he’d put his bag by the door and Mingyu came in to say that coffee was ready and “Oh he’s quiet. He must have missed you.”

They drank their coffee slowly, Mingyu telling Jeonghan all about his latest shoots and this guy he’d met in a lecture, and a film he’d seen last week, “It’s so good hyung, you should go see it!” Chattering away. “Oh, your husband rang me yesterday, I hear you’re going dancing again on Friday?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan smiled, “There’s a club in town that has dance socials on Fridays. This week it’s tango dancing. You’re minding the kids then?”

“Yeah. Is it okay if I take pictures of them? For my portfolio? Just of them colouring and eating and chatting and stuff? We have to show variety and ability to work with different subjects.

“Of course it is. Just so long as we get a copy of all the good pictures, alright?”

“Of course!” Mingyu beamed and stood, bringing his mug to the sink. “Okay, I’ll see you two on Friday okay? Be good for your parents!”

  
  


Jeonghan brought the kids over to Jisoo’s on Thursday for their usual tea and playtime. He ended up on the phone to the helpline for 15 minutes. 

“...he doesn’t hurt me when I dress pretty and behave?”

“He shouldn’t hurt you at all.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and hung up.

He was quiet for the rest of the afternoon, talking only to answer the kids, or tell Jisoo about their planned tango evening. 

Friday evening couldn’t come fast enough. When he came home, he got the kids through their usual afternoon routine, prepping dinner and letting Mingyu in before he went up to get changed. 

His husband was reading on the bed when he came in and Jeonghan halted in the doorway, “I didn’t realise you were home?”

He looked up, “Oh yeah, I was only in for a scheduling meeting this morning and then I came home. I got you something?”

Jeonghan closed the door behind him, “Oh?”

“Open the wardrobe.”

Jeonghan opened the wardrobe, and there, hanging on the door was a blood red dress. Jeonghan looked over at his husband with wide eyes, there was no way he expected him to wear this _out_. He looked back at the dress. It was long, maybe mid calf? It had a shirred bodice, so it would probably fit him snugly, and tie shoulder straps. Fit and flare style skirt.

“Do you like it?”

Jeonghan didn’t know what to say. He looked at his husband with wide eyes, “But my suit?”

“You’ll look amazing. Nobody will say anything if that’s what you’re worried about. There’s a new pack of razors in the bathroom.” His husband looked back down to his book. Jeonghan took a trembling breath and unhooked the dress off the door, stepping into the bathroom and locking it behind him.

He hooked the dress on the back of the door and looked at the razors. He was going to have to shave nearly everywhere. Why was he even bothering?

Jeonghan contemplated just doing a runner. Grabbing the kids, legging it to the nearest refuge centre and never ever ever coming back. 

But then he remembered the way his husband had treated him when he wore that dress the week before. How he’d looked at him like he was made of spun fairy silk, and handled him like he was made of porcelain. He’d felt cherished and adored and loved and wanted and so so special. And he’d liked it. He’d liked the way he’d nuzzled against him and the sex had been pleasurable, and he’d felt pretty. He’d felt dainty and pretty and small and delicate.

He grabbed the razors and stepped into the shower.

He came out 40 minutes later pruned but 90% hair free. He dried himself off and slipped the dress over his head, applying makeup in a daze, already feeling himself sinking into some other head space, something more obliging, something smaller, daintier. He didn’t fight it. He knew it would keep him safe. Instead, he let the material clinging to his body ground him into this pretty, delicate body, and watching as his face became more feminine with the blush and eye shadow and liner and the lipstick his husband had bought him the last time they’d gone dancing. He pinned his hair up.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Jeonghan went straight for his underwear drawer, rooting through it for the same style of compression wear that he’d worn the last time, and slipping them on, before he turned to face his husband.

He was looking at him so gently that Jeonghan’s heart threatened to burst right out of his chest.

“You look amazing. I can’t believe you’re mine.” His husband did up the final button on his waistcoat and walked over to Jeonghan, wrapping him in a gentle hug. He felt so small.

Feeling like he felt, Jeonghan didn’t think to protest when his husband handed him a low pair of dance heels, just slipped them on and leaned into him. Neither did he protest when he draped a matching chiffon wrap over his shoulders and handed him tiny red earrings. Just put them in, and followed him quietly down the stairs and straight into the car, letting his husband say goodbye to the kids and tell Mingyu the usual things.

He didn’t say anything in fact, until they arrived at the club and his husband set their things down on a table and swept him onto the dance floor, into a slow tango set to warm everyone up.

“I feel drifty.” He felt like his husband should know that.

“That’s okay baby, I have you. Just follow my lead.”

Then when his husband got them drinks, and tugged Jeonghan back against his chest to watch the dance floor, handing him a glass of soda water and lime. Jeonghan sipped it slowly, hand over his husband’s on his stomach, leaning back against him and shaking slightly. He didn’t know why. 

“Oppa?”

“You’re okay.”

Jeonghan slowly stopped shaking, gripping his husband’s hand tightly.

They danced about five sets of argentine tangos, but Jeonghan didn’t remember much. He kept zoning out, seeing himself dancing like it was someone else whirling around the dance floor with his husband. He would flash back into focus every now and then, doing a lift, or when their wedding song came on, although he wasn’t as confident, didn’t feel as powerful or as sexy or as real. 

He felt like a blow up doll version of himself.

“Oppa?!” Jeonghan clung to his husband’s shoulders as he was suddenly spinning around the floor to an unfamiliar song and he couldn’t remember how he got there, he didn’t understand what was happening.

“You’re okay, we’re dancing tango, we’re in The Café Bar in town, I’m here, trust me, you’re okay.” His husband sounded like he’d been repeating these words for a while and Jeonghan didn’t know why.

Jeonghan wasn’t okay. He felt ill. He felt cold. He felt scared. He was shaking uncontrollably, clutching his husband tightly and he knew he was about to cry.

“Can we go home? Please? I’m scared-” his voice was climbing and his husband swept them off the floor, hugging him close.

“You’re okay, I promise. I promise, okay?” he crooned into his ear, turning them away from prying eyes and rubbing Jeonghan’s back.

“Scared, I’m scared, Oppa please?”

“Okay, okay. Are you sure you want to go home?”

Jeonghan nodded into his chest, shaking violently now, shivering and crying, “-please please please please please-”

“Okay sweetheart, okay. Let me just grab our things? Can you be brave for a few moments? Just until we get to the car? I’ll take care of you, you’re going to be alright.”

Jeonghan nodded and his husband pulled back, drying Jeonghan’s tears with his handkerchief and leading him through the crowd to their table where he picked up his jacket and Jeonghan’s shawl and let him out to the car.

The second Jeonghan’s door closed, he started to bawl his eyes out, hiding his face in his hands and shaking. Shaking so much he didn’t even hear his husband get into the car until the door opened back up and he was lifted up. Up into someone’s arms and then he was in the backseat of the car, in his husband’s lap, shaking so hard.

His husband sighed, “Baby girl, you’re okay, you’re just having a panic attack, but it’ll pass, just breathe for me.” 

Jeonghan woke up in his bed, in his softest pyjamas, Minghao pressed against his chest and his husband curled around his back, playing with his hair and humming quietly.

His breath picked up again, how did he get home, what time was it, what-

“Breathe. You’re okay. You’re in bed with me and Minghao, Seungkwan is fast asleep in his bedroom. Mingyu is down the hall. It’s nearly 1 am. You blacked out in the car, you had a panic attack. Go to sleep sweetheart, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

  
  


Jeonghan slept like the dead.

  
  


His husband shook him awake the next afternoon, “Hey baby, it’s nearly 2 pm. I’ve cancelled my mother. I’m just going to drop the kids up to yours for a few hours, I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”

Jeonghan mumbled something and sagged back into the blankets, he didn’t feel at all human or present or real.

His husband woke him up again with a tray of porridge and a glass of orange juice and practically fed it to him, crooning praise and murmurs of how pretty and clever he was and how much he loved him.

And then, after leaving just enough time for Jeonghan to digest everything, he hauled him out of bed and said, “Knees.”

Jeonghan dropped onto them so quickly he knew his knees were going to be bruised. His husband sat down on the bed in front of him and Jeonghan instinctively opened his mouth, only for his husband to laugh cruelly. 

“No. Today isn’t about me, today is all about you. And your disaster of a week. Oh my God Jeonghan. I spoil you a few times and you manage to fuck every single thing up.”

Tears were already dripping down Jeonghan’s cheeks, and he knew he was shaking. He was confused. He’d been good?

“Nothing to say? I didn’t think so. Pathetic.”

Jeonghan’s head was still hazy from the night before but he tried to concentrate, tried to stay present but all of a sudden he was sore and stinging and bent over his husband’s knees, tears blurring his vision.

“I thought some nights of pampering would make you a better person, not a ball of confused pathetic tangled thread.” His husband remarked as he leaned back on the bed and then brought something hard and flat down on Jeonghan’s ass. A paddle. He hated the paddle. It had Brat etched into it and he hated it.

“This is exactly what you are, a brat. Now everyone will know. Especially those new neighbours that you seem to be so cosy with. This is what you need, hm? Not pampering and coddling and pretty dresses, just pain and correction. You’re pathetic.”

Jeonghan faded out again, the dull repetitive pain easy for him to zone out. 

He shivered. He was in the bathroom.

“There you are, you vanished for a while, you useless thing. Now, I was going to do this in our bedroom where it’s warmer, but last time you wet yourself. So. In the shower it is.”

Jeonghan shook his head, “-not the whip please not the whip-” his throat was sore, he didn’t know why.

“Oh I’m not going to whip you baby, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“Thank you thank you-”

His husband tilted his head back for a bruising kiss and then tied his wrists tightly together and put them up on the shower hook. “Keep them there.”

It was worse than the whip.

With the first stroke of the flogger, feeling the dozen beads bite into his skin, Jeonghan was gone, floating, screaming.

Screaming so loudly, that by stroke number three, the doorbell rang. 

His husband hooked his wrists onto the shower hook and turned on the water.

Jeonghan couldn’t hold back his shriek and thrashed to try and get out of the freezing flow of water right onto whatever mess of flesh was his backside.

The water covered his screams.

His husband eventually came back and turned off the water. “Do not scream again. If you do, I swear to God, I’ll use this on your babies when they come home.”

Jeonghan’s mind couldn’t make sense of that and he tried to say something but his words came out jumbled up and tripping together and his husband just laughed.

“Oh my, first of all you piss yourself like a baby and now you’re speaking like one? If you wanted to be treated like a child all you had to do was ask, my dear.”

Jeonghan shook his head, but his husband ignored him, unhooking him from the shower hook, and Jeonghan’s mind just whited out. His feet, they felt raw, or broken or something the pain of standing on them was immense. Had he whipped his feet? He couldn’t remember.

The flogging started up again.

He couldn’t hold back his noises and screamed. Screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed and-

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [If you'd like something pretty now, art has been drawn and let me tell you, I am in raptures. ](https://twitter.com/ninispaperbag/status/1332839240300892160)


	2. Section 2

_You’ll even hold my sorrow_  
_I want to give you my joy_

  
  
  


“You’re alright Sir, you’re safe. Your children are safe.” 

  
  
  


“My babies?”

“Your babies are safe.”

  
  
  


“Mommy? Mommy! Mommy!?” That was Seungkwan’s voice. Jeonghan managed to move the anvils holding his eyelids shut and lever one slightly open. Seungkwan was hanging onto the side of the bed and there was a strange woman behind him.

He hugged him tightly, managing to sit up long enough to kiss him and tell him he loved him. 

“My baby?”

The lady turned and picked Minghao up and set him on Jeonghan’s chest. He couldn’t stop crying, tracing Minghao’s nose gently and kissing him. “Appa loves you baby, never forget that.”

“Mommy?”

“Call me Appa please, Seungkwannie.”

“But Daddy said.” Seungkwan was absolute and Jeonghan’s eyes filled with tears.

“Your Appa wants you to call him Appa, Seungkwan-ah. Remember how I said your Daddy had been bad? This is one of those things too.” The lady, she must be a nurse, said gently, gently but firmly. And Seungkwan nodded. 

“Okay Miss Laura. Sorry Appa.”

“Thank you, baby.”

He fell asleep soon after they left, exhausted. Too exhausted to even ask what had happened.

  
  
  


Jeonghan opened his eyes slowly, he didn’t know where he was, he felt like death warmed over. Surprisingly not in pain. A nurse and a policeman were sitting next to the bed. 

“Mr. Yoon, I’m Nurse Franklin,” The nurse said gently, “You’re in City General Hospital. One of your neighbours called an ambulance yesterday afternoon.”

Jeonghan opened his mouth but his voice was gone, she held a glass of water to his mouth.

“You don’t have to swallow, just wet your mouth.”

“My babies?”

“They’re with a social worker for the time being.” The policeman answered, equally as gently.

Tears filled Jeonghan’s eyes, “But I’m a good parent-”

He smiled, “I know Sir, I know. But you’re in hospital right now, and various parties have raised their concern at the capabilities of your mother.”

Jeonghan nodded. He agreed. “My husband?” He closed his eyes and shook slightly, he didn’t want to think about him.

“Your husband is in police custody.”

“What?” He was what? He was a doctor, they didn’t arrest doctors.

“We arrested him for assault and battery at your house last night. We have a few questions for you if you feel up to them?”

Jeonghan nodded slowly, “Could I get a cup of tea? Please? And the time?”

Nurse Franklin nodded and tapped away on her device, “One moment. It’s Sunday the 4th of May 2020. 11.37 am.”

Jeonghan was so astounded by the fact that his husband had been arrested, for hurting _him_ and that he’d lost an entire _day_ , that he didn’t even notice the time passing until the nurse was handing him a mug of tea with lots of milk and sugar, and telling him that it would keep his strength up.

He smiled shakily at her, she looked very capable and unflappable. Maybe she’d be non-judgemental like the Daniel on the phone line.

The policeman took out a notepad and a recorder. “I’m Inspector Paul Rothschild, and I’m going to record this interview okay? If you want to stop at any time, just say. We don’t want to cause you any further stress.”

Jeonghan nodded and sipped his tea. “Okay.”

“What happens at home when you get into an argument?”

“We don’t argue.”

“Does anyone criticise you, make fun of you or call you names?”

Jeonghan nodded, “My husband. All the time.”

“What does he say?”

Jeonghan picked at the bedspread, “He calls me baby girl, or his wife, or sometimes slut, makes the kids call me Mommy. Says I can’t control myself properly. Says I can’t do anything properly. Laughs at me when I can’t stand up properly or when I cry too much.”

There was a moment of silence while Inspector Rothschild jotted things down in his book, “What else does he do Mr. Yoon, apart from calling you a girl and asking your son to call you Mommy?”

“He makes me wear dresses,” Jeonghan whispered, “makes me call him Oppa if I call him anything, I’m not allowed use his first name, or,” he swallowed. “We’re Korean, and in Korean I’d call him Hyung. Because he’s my elder and he’s male, but Oppa is what girls call close older males. We have four. Noona for a man to an older woman, Hyung, Oppa and Unnie for a woman to an older woman. It would be okay if it was a kink I suppose, but it’s not. I don’t want to do it, I don’t want to be a woman, I’m not, I’m a man.”

The inspector kept writing.

“A few weeks ago he forced me to take an enema,” Jeonghan’s eyes welled up with tears, “It hurt. Everything always hurts.”

“So sex is painful? Have you ever been forced?”

Jeonghan nodded, tears running down his cheeks, “All the time. Unless I’m in a dress, then he’s gentle. But sometimes I wake up with plugs in or in different clothes, or I’m making dinner and he just bends me over and doesn’t use lube or stretch me, or even ask, just pulls down my trousers and pushes in, it always hurts. And he never stops when I say no, or please or stop or I don’t want to, or it hurts.”

The two of them winced at that. Nurse Franklin coughed, “That wasn’t your fault. None of this is your fault.”

“Sir, you were brought in with certain injuries. Can I ask about the physical aspect of your relationship?” Inspector Rothschild asked gently, apology written all over his face. Jeonghan stared at him.

“The spanking? And whipping, and paddling and flogging? And ginger, and just throwing me on my knees and forcing his cock down my throat for hours upon end?”

“Yes. I hate to as-”

“Just ask.” Jeonghan closed his eyes, numb.

“Was it ever consensual?”

“No. We experimented a little before the kids, but pain has never made me aroused so, no. It wasn’t. We weren’t into anything extreme. At least I wasn’t.”

“Okay. Thank you for telling us. You’re really brave for telling us. Are you okay for another few questions?” The inspector asked and Jeonghan nodded, drinking some more of his tea. The sooner this was over the less he’d have to dread them coming back, right?

“Okay. Have you ever been prevented from leaving the house, seeing your friends or family; prohibited from getting a job, socialising or owning your own money?”

“We have separate bank accounts. I work part time, but I wasn’t allowed to go back to full time until the kids turned 12. My mother, my mother hates me, but she comes to dinner every Sunday. Until my new neighbours, the Hong-Chois, moved in a month or two ago I didn’t have any friends. I haven’t spoken to any of my college friends in years. I had to ask for permission to have Jisoo and his baby over and to visit their house for play dates with the kids. I forgot to ask one week, and he, he, he-”

“Take your time, Sir.”

Jeonghan stared at his fingers and took breath after breath after breath, “He woke me up in the middle of the night and fucked my throat. I think I passed out? He left a plug in me too.”

The inspector scribbled furiously, “I’m really sorry to hear that Sir. That shouldn’t have happened to you.”

“Are you okay to continue? We can stop now, the inspector can come back another time.” Nurse Franklin said but Jeonghan nodded.

“It’s okay. Better sooner rather than later.”

“Has your husband ever hurt the children?”

“No. Never. But on Saturday? Before the ambulance? I couldn’t stop screaming, he was flogging me in the shower, and he turned on the cold water and I couldn’t stop screaming I just I couldn’t stop screaming and he said, he said if I didn’t stop, he said if I didn’t stop he’d, he said,” Jeonghan shut his eyes tightly, “He said if I didn’t stop screaming, he’d flog the kids. But I couldn’t stop, I bit through my lip but I couldn’t stop,” Jeonghan shook with tears and bent his head down into his lap and whispered, “I tried so hard.”

The nurse tapped the inspector’s arm, “Sir, I think that’s enough for today.”

“Of course. I’m sorry again, Mr. Yoon. We’re going to make sure he doesn’t hurt you again.”

Jeonghan managed a nod, crying and crying and crying and eventually he cried himself to sleep.

  
  


When he woke up next, there was dinner, and a doctor talked him through his injuries. 

“You’ll heal. There’ll be scaring the backs of your legs and your backside, but your organs are okay, we did an x-ray and an ultrasound, there’s no internal damage. Apart from a slight tear in your rectum. But that will heal on its own. We did a butterfly stitch on your lip, where you bit through it, and there’s some stitches on the whip marks, but they should heal up nicely. Do you have any questions?”

“Why doesn’t it hurt?”

“You’re on painkillers. A light form of morphine. It’s why you’re so sleepy. But tomorrow you’ll go onto a lighter form of painkiller and then we’ll wean you off them.”

Jeonghan nodded. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“You’re welcome. And I’m sorry. I, I knew your husband, I never imagined. I’m sorry.” The doctor apologised and backed out of the private room. Jeonghan watched him go. Numb. He knew, distantly, that he should be mortified or ashamed or embarrassed. His private life was on display for the world to see, but he didn’t feel anything. Just emptiness. A void where there should be emotion. 

Jeonghan picked at his dinner, staring vacantly at the while walls of the room. He should call into work. Was he going to have to go to court? Was his husband eating properly? Did he care?

A nurse came in to take his tray, tutting at the amount he’d left on the plate, but Jeonghan avoided his eyes. “Alright. I won’t give out this time. Are you feeling up to visitors?” 

Jeonghan looked at him inquisitively, “Visitors?”

Jisoo peeked his head around the door and Jeonghan started to cry, nodding at the nurse, and he smiled gently, holding the door open for Jisoo and Seungcheol and closing it behind him.

Jisoo and Seungcheiol sat down beside the bed, both taking his hands and murmuring quietly in Korean. Just soothing things, “you’ll be okay” and “it’ll be okay” and “we’re here”, Jeonghan just held their hands tightly and tried to stem the tears.

Once he thought he could speak without crying, he managed a quiet, “My babies?”

Jisoo gripped his hand tightly, “They’re alright. They’re with a social worker. Just until you’re out of hospital and well enough to take them back. They’re not taking them off you.”

“Did you call the ambulance?”

“No,” Seungcheol said gently, “It was Mrs Duffy. Apparently she and the neighbour on your other side, Mrs. Summers had been worried for a while. They had notes and everything for the services. They said not to let the kids go to your mothers. Jisoo-ya went over when the ambulance came, told them a little of what you told us. He’s been arrested.”

“They told me. An inspector came in to interview me. Can I?” Jeonghan took a deep breath, his world had been shattered. He felt so numb. He looked from Jisoo’s face to Seungcheol’s face. They were his friends. They were visiting him. They cared. “Can I have a hug? Please?”

They just hugged him in response. Jisoo sat up carefully onto one side of the bed, and Seungcheol rounded it and sat on the other, gathering him into their arms carefully and smoothing his hair as he cried. Cried it all out.

The next day, when Inspector Rothschild returned to conclude the interview, he informed Jeonghan that he could apply for a barring order against his husband. They were confident that he would face a jail sentence, but in the meanwhile, it would be in Jeonghan’s best interest to apply for a safety order and a barring order in case he went out on bail. As everyone knew he would. 

Jeonghan was discharged on Wednesday morning with the number of his Social Worker and a prescription for painkillers and sleeping tablets if he needed them. He stepped out of the taxi and stood in front of his house for a long time. Staring at the front door and trying to make himself walk over the threshold.

They’d moved into this house the year before they’d adopted Seungkwan. Most of their married life had taken place in this house. All the bad things. But all the good things. 

Jeonghan sighed and put his key in the door. It was his house.

It was … mostly clean. 

He stared around the hallway. It was clear there’d been some sort of a struggle; picture frames were hanging skaways on the wall, there was the remnants of some sort of liquid on the floor, and this was just the hallway. He really didn’t want to go upstairs.

The doorbell rang.

Jeonghan whirled around and peered through the peephole, two ladies, his neighbours were standing on the step. He opened the door slowly.

“Jeonghan!” Mrs Summers greeted with a smile and a pie.

Mrs Duffy interrupted her, brandishing her rubber gloves, “Jeonghan, you poor dear. We’re here to help. Police always make such a mess.”

“What she means to say-”

“I said what I meant to say, Esmeralda.”

Jeonghan didn’t quite know what to say.

“You don’t have to let us in, love, but we really only want to help. Goodness knows you’ve done enough for us over the years, and you were such a good help when my Ted passed. You don’t have to act strong in front of us, you’ve seen us in such sorry states.”

“And we’ve missed your chats, son. I’m only sorry we didn’t say anything sooner.”

“We didn’t want to be right, I suppose.” Mrs Duffy clasped her hands together and Jeonghan made a decision.

“Please come in. I’m not sure I can stand to be alone here at the moment. And the hall is a mess. Thank you for what you did-”

Mrs Summers cut him off, clasping his hands with her free hand and looking him dead in the eye, “Not at all love, we should have done more. Well. We’re here now I suppose and we’ll make up for it in the future.”

Mrs Duffy closed the door behind her and then put her hand on her hips with a harrumph at the state of the hall. “Police. I remember when my Jack-”

“Betsy! Jeonghan doesn’t want to hear about your Jack!”

Mrs Duffy eyed him up and down, “I think he does. When my Jack was arrested for money laundering, the police absolutely tore the house apart. I still haven’t found some of the photos. Although that may be because Jack had written on the back of them, but still. Tragedy.”

“Mrs Duffy-”

“How many times do I have to tell you to call me Betsy?” Betsy tutted at him and Jeonghan flushed. It’d been so long since they’d spoken. His husband had told him that he was disrupting their days and that they didn’t know how to tell him they were busy. But apparently not?

“I’m sorry. Betsy. Would you like tea? I think we should have milk? I don’t know what’s still in date, I only just got back-”

Betsy steered him into the kitchen and pulled out a chair, “You sit down there. If you don’t have fresh milk, I’ll run home and get some. Don’t be stressing yourself out.”

“And call me Esmeralda,” Mrs Summers bustled in and set the pie down on the table, “this is apple. Let’s have a chat, and then Betsy can get her marigolds at the mess in the hall like we all know she wants to.”

Betsy didn’t even turn around from her perusal of the fridge, and Jeonghan sank into the chair gratefully.

“I just don’t know what to do.” Jeonghan confessed over a slice of apple pie once the tea had been made and the milk sourced.

“Well, first things first, do you want him back?” Betsy asked with a carefully blank face.

Jeonghan swallowed a sip of tea, thinking. He? He didn’t know what he felt. He didn’t want to have to deal with the fear or the pain or the worry anymore. He didn’t deserve it? His husband had been arrested for hurting him. He’d been hospitalised. His kids were with a social worker because his husband was in jail for hurting him. 

“Not unless he changes.” That was reasonable, right?

Esmeralda reached out to touch his wrist, “Jeonghan, do you think he can?”

“Sometimes I still see the man I married?”

They nodded, “And if he can’t change? Or won’t change?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “I can’t go back to that.”

“Right. I think you should apply for the orders. The ones that say he can’t hurt you, and the one that makes him stay away,” Betsy said, tea cup in hand, “There’s no point in suffering when you don’t have to.” 

Esmeralda patted his hand, “No, there’s not. It can’t do any harm, and right now you don’t need any more trouble.” 

Jeonghan nodded, that tracked with what the inspector had said. It wouldn’t cause any harm but it would stop him from being hurt. “Okay. But is it fair to the children?”

The two women pursed their lips, “It’s not fair to them for you to be scared. They’re probably scared too.”

“But I tried never to let it affect them-”

“Children can read a room a lot better than you think. It’s better for them to be in a happy household isn’t it?”

That, Jeonghan could agree with. His childhood home had not been happy. Especially after his father died. His mother had been depressed, and upset at him being gay, at his sister going into art school, at the world for taking her husband away and leaving her with debt. It did take a toll on the children; they’d both moved away to university as soon as they could. He nodded. 

“Okay, I think that’s enough of that for today. Finish your pie and we’ll go see about the bedroom.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes, he didn’t want to see about the bedroom, not, what if the flogger was still, he couldn’t, he didn’t want to see it, or the dress, no-

Betsy put her hands on his hands softly, “I’ll go do a quick tidy up. You stay here and talk with Esmeralda. Try and keep breathing, ducky, just hang in there.” She bustled out of the room and Esmeralda leaned her elbows on the table and started to talk about her grand-kids. Jeonghan tried to follow the story, but he was tired and stressed and numb and he just nodded along.

“Right. It’s tidy anyway, and I took the liberty of airing out your guest room in case you didn’t want to stay in your own. I didn’t know where most things went so there’s a pile, but it’s mostly clothes. Do you want to go up? We’ll help you.” Betsy came back down and leaned against the door frame.

Esmeralda stood up and waited for Jeonghan, touching his shoulder lightly as they all went out of the kitchen. 

Betsy had straightened all the picture frames, “We’ll have to mop, but I think it’s just water”, and upstairs Jeonghan braced himself before stepping into the bedroom.

She’d done a stellar job, “I run a tight ship, Jeonghan!” and the bed was made, there a pile of clothes on the chair and the windows were open wide. The bathroom, Jeonghan closed his eyes and breathed through his nose. The last time he’d been here- No. Down that way leads bad things. The bathroom was clean. No evidence of anything untoward.

“Thank you so much, I just, thank you.” Jeonghan turned to the two women, tears shining in his eyes. 

They just smiled, “Anytime.”

  
  


After they left, Jeonghan ventured back into the bedroom and gathered up pyjamas and a few changes of clothes. He put them into the guest bedroom, and put his toiletries in the main bathroom. He didn’t need to go back in there for a while. They were right. Some things just weren’t worth the pain.

He found his phone and plugged it in in the kitchen. Standing and staring into nothing. 

His phone beeped.

  
  


He should do something.

  
  
  
  


His phone beeped again.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


He picked up the phone. All of his messaging apps had red dots over them. He clicked into WhatsApp reluctantly.

**Jisoo Hong-Choi (1)**

**Mother (17)**

**Seungcheol Hong-Choi (4)**

**Rowena McClarin (1)**

He clicked into the text thread with his boss, holding his breath.

**Rowena McClarin. Monday 14:23**

Hi Jeonghan, I just heard about what happened.   
You take as much time as you need, don’t worry about work. You’re   
invaluable to us. Ring me when you want to come back.  
And take care of yourself. And the kids. 

That was incredibly sweet of her. He clicked out of it with a faint smile and clicked into Seungcheol’s thread.

**Seungcheol Hong-Choi. Tuesday 19:45**

Jeonghan-ah, you probably won’t see this until you get home  
But to reiterate, you’re always welcome in ours.

**Seungcheol Hong-Choi. Tuesday 20:15**

For dinner or to chat or just I don’t know, sit and read your book

**Seungcheol Hong-Choi. Today 9:15**

If you need help with the kids or anything, let us know.

**Seungcheol Hong-Choi. Today 13:10**

Oh, by the way, Rowena said you’re welcome to take as long as you need.

He was, he was a lot. But a nice lot. 

Jeonghan clicked into Jisoo’s thread.

**Jisoo Hong-Choi. Today 14:08**

Hi Jeonghan-ah, I’m making bulgogi for dinner if you’d like to come over  
You’re more than welcome. Any time after 4pm  
Jisoo x

Jeonghan was touched.

**Jeonghan Yoon. Today 14:21**

I’d love to. Thank you for inviting me

**Jisoo Hong-Choi. Today 14:22**

See you later, Jx

Jeonghan closed the phone. He’d deal with his mother later. Maybe never.

He turned and looked at the counter top. Baking sounded like what he needed. Baking was always good.

When 4 pm rolled around, Jeonghan threw on his coat and grabbed the tray of lemon biscuits, locking the door behind him and crossing the street.

“Jeonghan-ah! Come in, oh you didn’t have to!”

“I needed to do something.”

Jisoo nodded and took Jeonghan’s coat, leading him through to the kitchen and setting the biscuits on the counter. “Hansollie is in the living room if you want to hold a baby. When are they coming home?”

Jeonghan went straight for the baby, it was unbelievable how much he missed his kids, picking him up with a coo and a tiny wince, “Tomorrow after school.”

“That’s good. Do you want to talk about things or just be distracted tonight?”

How did Jisoo always know what to say? “Distract me, please.” Jeonghan carried Hansol back into the kitchen and sat down carefully, bouncing him on his knee and humming quietly.

The Hong-Choi’s were their usual kind and chatty selves, and the food was amazing. After that it was hard to return to his empty house. But he did it. Saying goodbye to the couple at nearly 11 pm and hurrying across the road, watching them wait in the doorway until he locked the door behind him. They were so lovely.

Jeonghan didn’t sleep well that night. Perhaps it was the unfamiliar bed, or the fact that he was in his house again after nights away, or the fact that there was nobody else home. Maybe it was the idea that if he closed his eyes maybe he’d wake up to his husband on top of him, or to the kids crying or to the paramedics again saying “Sir, it’s going to be ok”. Jeonghan didn’t quite know, but either way, he didn’t sleep well. 

Once the alarm clock showed a reasonable hour to be getting out of bed, Jeonghan went and had a shower. Steaming hot. His skin was red when he finally stepped out and towelled off, keeping away from all the mirrors. He didn’t want to know what he looked like. Just put on jeans and a well worn purple shirt, padding down the stairs and flicking on the kettle. His hair was soaking into the back of the shirt. 

He needed to go shopping. He needed to do a wash, do some ironing, Seungkwan had a show-and-tell that Friday. Needed to clean his husband’s scrubs- No he didn’t. Did he?

The kettle finished boiling and Jeonghan made tea, rummaging through the press for bread and putting on toast. He put a tea towel under his hair. He brought the tea over to the window and stared outside. Stared at the cars all leaving the drives for work. Stared at the bin men grabbing and shoving bins in and out of gardens. Stared at the sky as the clouds rolled overhead. It started to rain. His toast popped.

He made a list.

He made several lists.

And then it was 2.30 pm and there was a car pulling up into the driveway. The doorbell rang.

The woman he vaguely remembered from the hospital was standing on his doorstep, Minghao asleep in a carrycot by her feet and Seungkwan holding her hand. She was neat and professional, hair in a sleek bun and dressed in a tailored lilac skirt suit. She smiled, “Mr Yoon, I’m Laura. We met briefly at the hospital. I’m the social worker assigned to this case-”

Seungkwan pulled away from her and ran into Jeonghan’s legs, “Mommy!!”

Jeonghan smiled awkwardly at Laura and leaned down to pick Seungkwan up onto his hip, peppering kisses all over his face. His smile threatened to tear his face in two. “Baby, I missed you so much. And it’s Appa, remember?” And then to Laura, “Come in, come in. I made scones.”

Jeonghan poured tea and divvied out scones, letting Seungkwan sit in his lap out of pure relief that he could, and settled Minghao into his sleeping corner, where he could still see him. Laura watched all this with a small smile and assessing eyes, and when Seungkwan finished his scone and turned into Jeonghan’s chest, she pulled a sheaf of papers out of her briefcase.

“Mr Yoon-”

“Call me Jeonghan please.”

“Jeonghan. You have wonderful children.”

Jeonghan smiled, kissed Seungkwan’s forehead, it was the best form of praise.

“They were angels, albeit very upset angels, for the entire time. But they’re very glad to be back.”

“I’m glad to have them back. Thank you for taking care of them when I couldn’t.”

Laura smiled, “You’re welcome. You’ll probably be seeing a lot of me, I’m afraid, for the time being. If you’re obliging, I’ll be the person who can accompany you to court and help you talk to lawyers or police. Anything that concerns you, concerns me. And if you have any questions, I can answer them or find the answers. I want what’s best for all three of you, and I think that that’s staying together.”

Tears rose to Jeonghan’s eyes and he pressed his face to Seungkwan’s hair for a second. 

“Seungkwannie? Would you like to go play with your Legos?” Jeonghan asked gently and let Seungkwan slip off his lap when he nodded. Once he was settled and occupied, he turned to Laura. “Thank you. Truly. I do have some questions about the barring orders and safety orders and about the arrest, and what happened and what I have to do next. Is he in jail? Will he go to jail? Do I have to get a,” Jeonghan swallowed, “get a divorce?”

“Do you want to get a divorce?” Laura asked gently, flicking open a legal pad and uncapping a pen.

“I don’t know? He was the love of my life. He’s the father of my children?” Jeonghan gripped his mug tightly, he didn’t know what to feel let alone what to think.

“You don’t have to decide now. Okay? Just think about it. You don’t have to make any decisions right now.”

Jeonghan nodded a few times, looking over to where Minghao was still asleep and Seungkwan was quietly building a fortress. “Okay.” 

“As for the jail part. Your husband was arrested under the Non-Fatal Offences to the Persons Act. He’s awaiting a bail hearing. That means he’s waiting for a judge to decide if he can be let out after paying a certain amount of money.” She waited for Jeonghan to nod and then continued, “For the orders, there are two. A safety order says that your husband is not allowed to hurt you or your children or threaten to hurt you. He can still live in the house. If you apply for that, you’ll probably get a protection order in the interim, which does the same thing but it’s only temporary. A barring order however, says that he has to leave this house, he can’t watch it or listen in or come near it in any way, and he can’t hurt or threaten you. Now. The police applied for an emergency barring order on your behalf when they arrested him.”

They did what? Jeonghan stared at her. What had they done that for? His husband would never- That wasn’t true anymore.

Laura didn’t exactly smile, but her face went gentle, “So that basically just means they were scared enough for your life that they have banned him from coming near you for up to 8 days.”

“Okay. Do I get to talk to him?”

Laura nodded, “of course. He’s in front of the court tomorrow morning, and if bail is allowed he could be out as early as noon-” Laura paused and looked at Jeonghan assessingly, “if the charge is to stick, you’ll have to speak in court.”

Oh. Oh Jeonghan wasn’t sure about that now. And it clearly read on his face as Laura set her hands on the table.

“You don’t have to. But it’s something to think about. You’ll need to speak in court for a permanent barring or safety order too.”

Jeonghan didn’t say anything to that, just finished his tea and smiled and signed the documents that said he’d gotten the kids back and that everything was fine. And then, with Seungkwan in his arms, waved to Laura as she drove off.

He didn’t need to decide right then.

  
  


But the next morning, after he dropped the kids to school and creche, he drove to the courthouse to meet Laura and his husband. 

After greeting Laura, who stayed in her car upon Jeonghan’s request. He wanted to talk to his husband alone. Surely it had all been a mistake, he couldn’t really believe that it had all happened. He loved him. Jeonghan stepped into the lobby of the courthouse and saw his husband immediately. Standing beside Jeonghan’s mother. Of course she’d been the person who’d put up his bail.

“Jeonghan-ah!” His husband called him over and Jeonghan took a deep breath, startled at the politeness. He loved him. Calm, poised and in control. Calm, poised and in control.

“Hi.”

“Is that anyway to greet your husband?” his mother bit out and Jeonghan winced.

“I’m not kissing you. Not when you’ve just been granted bail for assaulting me and landing me in hospital,” Jeonghan hissed. He didn’t know where that came from. Maybe from the piece of paper that had been delivered to him that morning with ‘Protection Order’ printed on the top of it. “We need to talk,” he looked at his mother who looked like she was about to scrape lines down his cheek, “privately.” Was it so wrong that he just wanted his husband to apologise and say it as a misunderstanding and hug him?

“Okay honey, what about that café?” His husband said gently, coaxingly, and laid a pacifying hand on Jeonghan’s mother’s arm. “Seonghan-eomma, thank you for coming and for your help. I can take it from here.”

She nodded, a tight smile on her lips and left them be, not before throwing Jeonghan a nasty look. That was nothing new. She had always hated him.

They sat down in the court café, coffee and sandwiches in front of both of them.

“I can’t believe you screamed loud enough that our neighbours rang the police, sweetheart. Didn’t I tell you that if you made noise I’d try out the whip on the kids?” Jeonghan’s husband didn’t even try to keep his voice down and someone from a neighbouring table looked over.

Jeonghan’s blood ran cold. He hadn’t honestly just said that had he? In the courts? After he’d been arrested? Had he really? Just threatened the kids? How dare he.

“What? Cat got your tongue?”

Jeonghan put his coffee cup down, suddenly he had no appetite. “You’re not allowed to threaten me or the children. There’s an order against it.” His voice was shaky, what happened to calm, poised and in control? He held back tears. But he loved him?

His husband leaned back in his chair, legs sprawling wide and a smirk playing on his lips. “It’s a piece of paper, sweetheart. Do you really think that’ll stop me?”

What? He, what? It was all Jeonghan could do to keep his jaw from dropping open. He’d never, what? He meant it? He, he, he- Jeonghan put his hands on his knees and gripped tightly. He’d hoped it was just, he didn’t know what excuse his mind had made up, but it had involved this not being planned. Not being something his husband actually _wanted_ to do. Just being something that… sort of happened? 

“You really are a pathetic wife. You know that?”

Jeonghan gripped the table and stood up, he needed to leave, he needed to-

“Sit down.” His husband’s voice was like steel and Jeonghan’s heart tensed. He didn’t want to do this. He really didn’t want to do this. He, he just-

“No.”

His husband stared at him. Wide eyes. Jeonghan looked right back. Looked at him in his rumpled suit. Looked at the bags under his eyes. Looked at the expression on his face. Jeonghan couldn’t see the man he married. The man he’d married would never. The man he’d married aborred violence and yet? The man he’d married was sitting in front of him. Threatening him and his _children_.

“No. I’m not your wife and I’m not sitting down. There’s an emergency barring order against you and I’m filing for a permanent one. I don’t want you coming home. Find somewhere else to stay, I’ll send on your things.” Jeonghan kept his voice level and quiet but filled it with his pain and confusion, before turning around and walking away.

He didn’t get further than the door before his husband gripped his wrist and spun him around, “Don’t you dare talk to me like that!”

“Let go of me.” Jeonghan tensed, his brain screaming ‘ _be quiet be soft be nice_ ’ but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He wanted him to go away.

His husband dragged him out of the café and shoved him up against the wall, “Who the hell do you think you are? You used to be so good, and now, those people you’re talking to, I should never have let you. They’re poisoning your mind.”

Jeonghan tried to channel peace and tranquillity even as his eyes welled up with tears; and he slowly unclasped each of his husband’s fingers from his wrist. “No they’re not. You are poisoning my mind. Stay away from me.” He threw his hand off him and walked away, breathing steadily, and pulling out his phone. He was testifying against him. He didn’t want him near his children ever again.

He didn’t look back.

“How did it go?” Laura opened her car door and Jeonghan blinked rapidly. “Not good?”

“I want a divorce. And I want to speak in court for the assault charge. He threatened the kids. I’m done.” Jeonghan’s voice shook and he blinked rapidly, tears running down his face anyway.

Laura nodded, “Okay. Okay. Okay we can do that. Do you want to get tea? You look like you need coffee or something stronger?”

Jeonghan felt like he needed a litre of babycham but he didn’t drink. Coffee would have to do. Maybe an Irish Coffee. He nodded, suddenly exhausted. “Yes please.”

“Okay, hop in, I know a place.”

No sooner had they arrived at the café, a very cute busy one on the boardwalk, Laura’s phone rang.

Jeonghan ordered for the two of them while she stepped outside to take it, and when she returned, it was with a grave expression.

“Your husband was just arrested by the court police. They’d like you to come in at your earliest convenience and make a statement. They have what just happened on CCTV.”

Jeonghan’s hands shook, “Now?”

Laura shook her head, reaching across the table to pat his hand, “No. Let’s eat first. I’ll go in with you if you’d like?”

That would be brilliant.

The statement making was relatively painless, the police just asking him to confirm what they heard on the tape, telling him that the other customers and the waitress had reported it, that his husband had punched a wall once Jeonghan had left the building. That they wouldn’t be letting him out on bail as he was considered too much of a danger.

They promised to be in contact about the hearing and wished him the best.

Jeonghan drove home in shock. Collected his kids in shock. Made dinner in shock. Put the kids to bed in shock.

And then he stood in front of one of the cupboards that he wasn’t supposed to open and stared at it. He was getting a divorce. His husband had been arrested. He’d threatened the kids. What was in the press?

He opened the press.

And stared.

But they didn’t keep alcohol in the house?

The press was full of, mostly full, bottles of spirits. Vodka, rum, tequila, two types of gin, a sherry, a brandy, three bottles of whiskey and a Vermont.

Jeonghan picked up a bottle of gin, he vaguely remembered buying this for a new years party just before they’d adopted Seungkwan. And hadn’t an uncle gotten them that sherry for a Christmas gift? Why were they all still here, gathering dust, nearly 10 years later? And why had he thought they didn’t keep alcohol in the house?

He put the gin bottle back and took out the brandy. He’d have a tiny glass. He had had such a week. He deserved it. Didn’t he? 

Jeonghan’s hand shook as he poured some into a big wine glass with ice. Just enough to fill the curve. He vaguely remembered Jun telling him that brandy should be skin warm before you drink it. He capped the bottle and put it away, cupping the glass in his palms and sitting down on the couch.

When had he fallen out of contact with his friends? They’d all been at his wedding hadn’t they? And they’d been at a housewarming party here when they’d moved in. He remembered giving Jun and Seokmin the grand tour. Had they been at Seungkwan’s christening the following year? Surely they had?

Jeonghan took a sip of the brandy, it slipped down smoothly and he savoured the taste. 

Why had it been so long since he’d had alcohol?

The kids probably.

And his husband didn’t like it when Jeonghan drank. 

He took another sip and turned on the TV. There was generally an Agatha Christie on TV on Friday evenings wasn’t there? Or at least there used to be.

He dragged a blanket off the back of the couch and settled in to watch the Poirot. David Suchet. The best Poirot. He hugged the glass close and pushed the whole unsettling situation far out of his mind. He needed, and deserved, to relax. 

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Ignoring his Mother on Sunday resulted in his phone buzzing all day Monday. He’d gone back to work that morning after dropping the kids to school and to creche and had brought in a tray of iced biscuits. 

Rowena had been her usual self, accepting a biscuit with a massive smile and a gentle, “How are you doing?”

Jeonghan had shaken his head with a rueful smile, “As well as can be expected. Thanks Rowena.”

“I had an intern looking over the most urgent things from your desk, but you’ll probably need to double check.”

“Which intern?” Jeonghan asked, already adding the extra work to his catch up list.

“Susan Kennedy.”

“Okay, right I better get on that then. Thanks again, Rowena.”

Rowena smiled and waved him out of the room. 

Susan had done a pretty decent job, and Jeonghan just had to sign off on each account, careful to tell her that she’d done a good job. She was interning with them for 6 weeks, on placement from her university, and had just started the week before he’d taken leave.

She was nice too, asking him if he wanted anything brought back from the nearby café when she went on her break with the other interns. And bringing him back a coffee anyway. She’d get on well with the other staff. Kindness was always appreciated. Especially when coupled with good work.

His phone buzzed off the table, and Seungcheol picked it up as he walked past. 

“Someone wants to get a hold of you? Everything alright?”

Jeonghan stuffed the phone in his bag, “My mother.”

Seungcheol pulled a face, “Have you spoken to her?”

“Nope. Don’t want to, and I’m not ready to listen to her tell me what a stupid person I am.”

“Do you want me to show you how to block her?” Seungcheol asked quietly and Jeonghan stiffened at the implication that he didn’t know. He didn’t. But that Seungcheol would assume, rankled something in him.

“I’m sure I can figure it out. Thank you.” Jeonghan turned back to his screens and typed furiously, watching out of the corner of his eye as Seungcheol walked off to his desk, hunched slightly. He hadn’t meant to hurt him. But ‘ _they’re poisoning your mind’_ kept flashing through his head. He had unanswered texts from Jisoo on his phone and he knew, he really did know, that they’d only been nice and friendly and helpful to him. He knew that. He’d deal with it later.

Seungkwan went to bed early, he had had PE that day and he had run himself ragged, yawning all through dinner and nearly falling asleep in his spaghetti. Jeonghan set Minghao down onto his mat and carried Seungkwan upstairs, brushing his teeth, washing his face and changing clothes. 

“Mommy?” Seungkwan mumbled as Jeonghan tucked the covers around him carefully.

Jeonghan’s gut twisted, but Seungkwan was tired so he let it go. For now. He would address it. Just not now. “Yes, Kwannie?”

“When is Daddy coming home?”

Jeonghan stroked his son’s hair softly, “I don’t know, baby. Do you miss him?” It had barely been a week and he missed him. He knew he shouldn’t. But knowing and feeling. 

“Can I be loud now?”

“What do you mean?”

Seungkwan scrunched up his nose, “Daddy likes a quiet house, Mommy. Can I have a story?”

Jeonghan stared at his son as his head whirred. He, the children were always quiet and well behaved. More so than any other child, and especially more so than little Hansollie. But he hadn’t thought- well maybe he had.

“You can be loud. Of course you can be loud, Seungkwannie. And yes you can have a story. The next chapter of James and the Giant Peach?”

Seungkwan fell asleep just as Jeonghan finished the chapter and he crept out of the bedroom, hurrying down to Minghao and scooping him up to hug and kiss.

“You can be as loud as you want baby. I promise. I love you so much, so so much, little one. Oh you don’t know how much I wanted you,” a tear rolled down Jeonghan’s cheek and Minghao grabbed at his nose. He tangled his other hand in Jeonghan’s top. “You are one of the most precious things in the world, darling. Never doubt that. I love you and your brother so much.”

Minghao kissed his nose in response and Jeonghan cradled him close for a little while longer before grabbing his phone and opening the lyrics to a song that he’d found online, sitting on the floor and sitting Minghao down on his lap facing him. He held him at the hips and started to sing along.

“A smooth road to London town, a smooth road to London town,” swaying Minghao gently on his lap, “the road goes up-” lifting Minghao up into the air and smiling at his massive squeal, “-and the road goes down-” Jeonghan had to laugh as he dipped Minghao back down, “a smooth road to London town.”

Minghao was smiling and wobbling, but staying upright, so Jeonghan started the next verse. “But by and by we come to a dell, there the roads are not so swell. A bumpy road,” he started to bounce Minghao gently, “a bumpy road! A bumpy road to London town.”

He repeated the swaying verse a few times and then, “But by and by we come to a woods, and over here the roads ain’t good! A rough road,” he bounced Minghao harder, “a rough road, a rough road to London town!” and bounced him gently off his lap.

Minghao was giggling and wiggling and giggling and Jeonghan giggled right along with him. His laugh was infectious. 

“Ab ba ba abba?!” Minghao grabbed at Jeonghan’s face and he gently took his hands away.

“Again? Do you want to do it again?”

They did it three more times before Minghao finally collapsed against Jeonghan’s chest and closed his eyes. Jeonghan leaned back against the couch and patted his back, gently, soothingly. They’d started lullabies a few weeks back, not that Jeonghan hadn’t always sung them to his kids, but Minghao was getting near the age of speech and he had to start singing baby appropriate ones and not just whatever was in his head or on the radio. ‘Hush, little baby’ felt tainted after what Seungkwan had just asked. Seungkwan’s favourite had always been ‘A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes’ and Jeonghan remembered nights sitting by his cot, reaching his arms through the bars and singing until his voice gave up but Seungkwan was still awake. Thank God, he was a good sleeper now.

“A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you are fast asleep. Whatever you wish for you keep. Have faith in your wish my darling, cause one day far from now, the dream that you wish for, clutch tight and wish hard for, that dream may just come true. Dadada, dadada, dadaddedededadadada, dadadad, dadada, dadadde~”

Jeonghan hummed away until Minghao drifted off, snuggled against his front. The temptation to sleep there was very strong, but Jeonghan stood up carefully, flicked off all the lights and climbed the stairs.

Again, the temptation to curl around Minghao in his bed was really strong, but Minghao was in such a _good_ sleep routine. He put him into his cot gently, turned on the monitor and the nightlight and closed the door over.

Autopilot took over, and before Jeonghan knew it, he was in bed, curled around a pile of pillows and wrapped in the duvet, the baby monitor beside his ear. Minghao’s gentle snuffles and breaths soothed Jeonghan to sleep.

It was nice, having friends. After Jeonghan dropped Seungkwan to Beavers on Tuesday evening he met up with Jisoo for a walk, on Wednesday he had lunch with Seungcheol before heading off to collect the kids, and on Thursday he was over in their house for their weekly play date.

Jeonghan arrived at the front door, Minghao strapped in his sling, with a massive bag in one hand and Seungkwan’s hand in the other. 

“Jeonghan-ah?” Jisoo asked with a bewildered smile as he took Seungkwan’s coat and ruffled his hair.

“Edible paint,” Jeonghan smiled, “I found it online and made up a batch last night, Hansol-ah isn’t allergic to anything is he?”

“No, not that we’re aware of anyway. Where are we doing this?”

Jeonghan looked hesitant, “It’s going to be messy? I’m sorry I didn’t ring first to ask, I just saw it on a blog and thought they’d love it and it would be fun to do, maybe not fun to clean. I brought a tarpaulin-”

“It’s fine! I’m excited! We’ve been running out of new ideas, so I’m excited! Don’t worry, children mean mess, we knew that when we got into this didn’t we?”

Jeonghan set the bag down on the kitchen table with a soft smile, “Yeah, yeah we did.”

The kids were chattering away and splashing paint all over each other. They’d stripped the babies down to their nappies and Seungkwan was in his underwear, drawing pictures with his fingers on some big pieces of paper that Jisoo had brought down from the attic. Minghao and Hansol were drawing pictures on each other’s bodies, and Jeonghan was smiling so hard his cheeks hurt.

“Quick, take a picture!” Jisoo whispered as the babies lay on their backs and painted their toes, eating their toes while they were at it.

Jeonghan snapped some on his phone and just happened to turn and catch one of Jisoo watching the children with such fondness. 

He kept looking at the photo over the next few days, Minghao and Seungkwan weren’t Jisoo’s children, and yet he was looking at them with more fondness than Jeonghan thought he’d ever seen in his husband’s face. 

It kept him awake at night. Thinking about how his husband had been with the children, thinking about what Seungkwan had said, thinking about how even though Jeonghan had always wanted children, it was his husband who had told him how good a parent he would be, who had urged him to apply, who had brought home the adoption papers and who had driven the process until Jeonghan’s excitement took over. Why had he wanted children so much when he only spent a morning a week with them, and hardly interacted with them apart from Saturday mornings and the occasional bedtime story. 

Had he ever wanted them? And if not why had he pushed for the adoptions?

On Sunday morning his phone was blessedly silent. Likely because he’d blocked his mother. But he was used to cooking a big Sunday roast. Maybe, maybe Mrs Duffy and Mrs Summers would like to come for dinner? Maybe not this week, maybe the next week? 

Jeonghan pondered this as he changed Minghao and crept downstairs, leaving Seungkwan to have a lie in, made a cup of tea for himself and a bottle for Minghao. He could always ring them. They could only say no.

So once Minghao was settled in the crook of his arm, happily drinking his bottle, Jeonghan dialled Mrs Duffy’s number.

“Jeonghan! How are you? It’s lovely to hear from you!” Mrs Duffy answered on the second ring.

“I’m doing okay, Mrs Duffy-”

“Betsy! It’s Betsy, dear! How many times!”

“Betsy! Sorry, sorry. I was just wondering, I usually do a Sunday roast, and well now there’s just me and the kids, and I was wondering if you’d like to come for dinner? I’m going to ask Mrs. Summers-”

Betsy coughed.

“-Esmeralda too. Would you be interested?”

“Of course! Dinner made! Of course I would love to come over! Now, I’m just about to go to mass, but don’t worry about dessert, I’ll do a cobbler.”

Jeonghan found himself smiling, “You don’t have to!”

“Yes I do dear, yes I do. Now, go ring Esmeralda and tell her I'm doing the cobbler. Quickly now before she heads out to mass too!”

“Will do Betsy, around 3.30 pm?”

“See you then Jeonghan. Take care, God bless.”

Jeonghan kissed Minghao’s head and rang Esmeralda.

“Jeonghan!! You just caught me, I'm on the way out the door, is everything okay?” Esmeralda answered immediately.

“I won’t keep you long, I was just wondering if you’d like to come to dinner? 3.30 pm?”

“Oh that sounds like a treat! I’ll make a-”

“I just got off the phone with Betsy, she said to tell you she’s making a cobbler?” Jeonghan pursed his lips at her huff and sigh and then.

“Right. Well. That girl. I’ll bring ice cream. Thank you for thinking of me Jeonghan, I better go but I’ll see you at 3.30, shout if you need anything!”

“I will! See you later!”

Jeonghan put his phone down and looked at Minghao, the bottle nearly finished. “Well. That went well. We’re having guests, baby! Guests! Oh I love having guests. I think I’ll do a chicken, can’t go wrong with a chicken, right?”

The dinner went fantastically. The two neighbours kept up a conversation so it never stilted, and the children were chatty and happy and Jeonghan’s heart was just full to bursting. This is what Sunday dinners should be like. Happy and chatty and sunny. Not tense and scared and mean.

  
  


~

  
  
  


It was June before Jeonghan finally summoned up the courage to take everyone’s advice and see a therapist. Well. Email several therapists. 

He was lucky enough to get an appointment with one of his top three choices, a Dr. Isidore, for Wednesday afternoon. Mingyu agreed to mind the kids, even though it was his off week, saying that he missed them and loved minding them.

Jeonghan finished work and drove to the small town centre where the doctor was based, sitting in a café with a coffee and a sandwich; psyching himself up and wasting time before his 3 pm appointment.

Eventually the time came, and Jeonghan climbed the stairs to the row of what he presumed were offices above the shopping centre. He pressed the doorbell with no small amount of trepidation. Was he ready for this? Did he really need this?

The door opened slowly and then quickly, “Hi?”

“Hi, I’m Jeonghan Yoon? I have a 3.15 pm with Dr. Isidore?” Jeonghan gripped the strap of his briefcase nervously. What if he’d arrived at the wrong door?

“Oh, Jeonghan Yoon, yes of course, come in, come in!” The door opened fully and the person reached out to shake his hand, “do you do handshakes? It’s okay if not!”

Jeonghan took the hand, “I do.” It was a firm handshake.

“Righty oh so! In you come, go ahead in there, take whichever chair you prefer, there are hooks on the door for your jacket if you want to hang it up, you don’t have to. I was about to make a coffee. Do you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea? Hot chocolate perhaps? Milk or water if they suit your fancy?”

Jeonghan refrained from boggling at him, barely, and stepped through into the room, “Hot chocolate please? If it’s not a bother?” The doctor nodded and vanished. 

He didn’t have to come back if he didn’t like the doctor.

That’s what all the websites said, that’s what the helpline person, Jack this time, had said. Shop around, it’s like a car. You don’t have to buy the first one you find.

He hung up his jacket and selected a chair. A puffy brown leather one that looked like it would swallow him up if he sat in it. And did swallow him up when he sat in it. He put his briefcase down on the ground beside the chair and took a deep breath. 

No pressure, no stress.

He looked around the room. It was clear and cream with one big window that sent light streaming into the room. There was a small desk in the corner, a few framed certificates hung behind it, the same letters that were on the doctor’s website. There was a framed photo of a dog on the desk. Cute and fluffy. A few framed photos of rolling hills and fluffy clouds on the walls. A big red rug. There were two other arm chairs, a high backed tartan one with a matching footstool, and a sort of bucket-like 70's lime green one. It looked vaguely bio-hazardous.

“Right!” The doctor came back in, bustling through the door with a tray and setting Jeonghan’s hot chocolate, complete with mini marshmallows and a dusting of chocolate powder, on the tiny table beside his chair that he hadn’t even noticed. He sat down with a poof of what was presumably dust onto the tartan chair. Or should Jeonghan say ‘into’. The armchair sort of ate him up, just like Jeonghan’s had eaten him up. It was… bizarre.

“Let’s start shall we? As you presumably know, my name is Isidore Cronin. Having a ‘doctor’ in front of my name is so handy for ignoring the gender assumptions of this world. I prefer ‘they, them’ if you must use pronouns for me. Doctor is also fine. Preferred even!” Isidore chuckled as if he’d–they'd just hoodwinked the universe. Jeonghan relaxed slightly, this was a familiar brand of oddball-ish. “I’ve been a therapist for roughly 15 years. I can’t prescribe medicine, but I am also a licenced psychologist, so I can diagnose if needed. I’ve worked as a social worker, and as a chaplain of sorts in several colleges. And that’s my CV! Tell me about yourself, Jeonghan Yoon.” Isidore leaned back in his–their chair, sorry sunk back into their chair and picked up their bright green mug.

Jeonghan sipped his hot chocolate, swallowed and then opened his mouth. “I use ‘he him’. Please don’t get that wrong.” He couldn’t quite get past that, and the doctor leaned forwards slightly with a soft expression.

“I’ve been mis-gendered too often to ever do it to someone else. You don’t have to worry about that here. I know how much it can hurt.”

Jeonghan squeezed his eyes shut tightly and smoothed his thumb over the mug’s surface over and over and over and over until the tears receded and he could nod. “Thank you. I’m 32, and I have two boys, Seungkwan is 5 and Minghao is just 7 months old. I love them more than anything else and I’d do everything for them. Including apparently divorce,” he stared at Isidore’s shoes. They were big, dark leather with massive buckles. “And a barring order. And an assault arrest. I work for a publishing company in accounts, and my two closest friends are neighbours that I’ve only known since March.” Jeonghan felt like running out of the office and it’s comfortingly musty book smell and into a pile of pillows, burrowing down with his kids for a year and emerging when he felt like he could fold laundry without crying. 

“Thank you for telling me that, Jeonghan Yoon. You’re very brave to come here, tell me, and to apply for those things. I’m very proud of you. And you’re clearly a good parent. Hm?” Isidore’s voice was soft, gentle, lilting in the way Jisoo’s was when he spoke Korean; soothing. “Tell me about Seungkwan.”

And so Jeonghan did. Told them about how Seungkwan was such a talented little boy, he loved oranges, and colouring, and building Lego fortresses. That he loved kisses and hugs and wanted to wear makeup when he was older. And how good he was with Minghao and even with Hansol, his neighbour’s son. The neighbours who he seemed to see all the time, and he worried that he was intruding somehow. They had to have their own lives right? Seungkwan didn’t mind, he loved spending time with them. He loved kids, and playing, and it only made Jeonghan more determined to get him to join more clubs and make more friends. Told him–them about how Seungkwan called him ‘Mommy’ and that Jeonghan was weirdly used to it now, and that he’d had to defend the name in front of his son’s teacher. And that Seungkwan loved music, all music, especially old music. Loved to sing, sang loudly whenever he was allowed. Loved to dance too. Wanted to be like his parents, have trophies and medals for dancing.

Isidore smiled and hummed and nodded and sipped theirtheir coffee and wrote sparing notes in his leather bound notebook. Asking the odd question, “and what’s his favourite song” whenever Jeonghan stopped talking, “and what type of dance” when Jeonghan’s voice crumpled in his throat. Coaxing the words from him until they were tumbling out of his mouth, and Isidore knew everything there was to know about Seungkwan.

Jeonghan finished his hot chocolate.

“What about your other son? Minghao was it? Tell me about him.”

Jeonghan did. Told them that even though he knew he couldn’t get pregnant, it was a biological impossibility, it had felt like he’d been pregnant when they waited for nearly 9 months to be given a son. How his husband had told him to close his eyes, and placed Minghao into his arms with a murmured, “you have a baby boy” and how he’d cried, silent happy tears, for hours. Unable to let go of the baby, unable to do anything else but stare in wonder at his tiny head and tiny fingers and tiny toes and his small button nose. Captivated from day one. How nothing could compare. And how even now, even that morning, Minghao captivated him. He’d managed a “Dada” that morning and Jeonghan had nearly collapsed while changing him. His husband was always Daddy to the kids, he wanted Appa; but Seungkwan seemed remarkably stuck on Mommy and he wasn’t quite sure if he wanted to change it. He did. Of course he did, but was it fair on him? 

And when he stopped himself from going into the small parent details of what Minghao could do and how he was developing really well for his age, Isidore just smiled and said, “I want to know. Tell me all about it.” and listened to Jeonghan rambling on about how he slept the night, and always finished his food, and was really very well behaved except when it came to water. He hated baths, with a passion. Hated them so much Jeonghan vaguely entertained the idea that he’d been drowned in a past life.

And when he’d finished, when Isidore knew more about his two children than his own husband could claim to know; Isidore smiled at him, all teeth and determination, and said, “Jeonghan Yoon, you are an amazing parent, and your boys are lucky to have you as their father. I’m so glad you came here today. We have five minutes left. And I’d just like to say that even though you’ve mentioned that you have a social worker working with you for the time being about the case and the orders and your husband and the kids, that it’s okay to need more help. It’s okay to ring up the helpline even when you have a social worker and you have a therapist; your worries and concerns are just as valid as anyone else’s okay? And your neighbours seem helpful, maybe talk to them about your concerns. And if you ultimately decide that you’d like to keep being called Mommy by Seungkwan, then make sure you make that decision because _you_ want to, because _you_ like the word, because _you_ like the connotations, and not because you think it’ll be easier for Seungkwan. He’s only 5, he can change and adapt without even noticing it, and I’d say within a month he’ll never use Mommy again. Don’t let it go just because you think it doesn’t matter. If it worries you at all. Even 0.0002% of a worry, it’s enough to stop and take a moment to think about why. Okay?”

Jeonghan nodded. “Yeah. Okay, I hear you.”

Isidore clapped their hands and smiled, “Perfect. So, for next time, I want you to think about that. Think about what you’d like the kids to call you. And we’ll delve into some of the other things that came up today. Okay?”

“Okay. Thank you, Doctor.”

“Is next Wednesday alright? I’m afraid I’m booked up all week apart from this slot?”

Jeonghan pulled a face, next week was his full day. Although, Rowena had said he could change that anytime he wished. And he did quite like this therapist. “That suits me. Same time?”

“Same time same place. Take care of yourself, Jeonghan Yoon.”

“You too Doctor, you too.”

Jeonghan sat into the driver’s seat with an exhale of relief. It hadn’t been as draining as he feared? He’d just talked about his children. €50 an hour for that? Well. He could do ten weeks without having to dip into savings and if it wasn’t doing anything by then, he’d reconsider. 

Thinking about money made him think about his husband, and about the divorce papers that had arrived that morning. So soon. He’d expected some form of argument from his husband but apparently he didn’t care enough to argue with him. It shouldn’t hurt. He was getting what he wanted, right?

But the human heart is a complex organism.

He drove off, he needed to do some shopping and then collect the kids, and talk to Mingyu to see if he could babysit every Wednesday, ring Rowena… The list never seemed to end.

  
  


Before Jisoo came over with Hansol on Thursday afternoon, Jeonghan sat Seungkwan down on the couch. “Seungkwan-ah, can we talk?”

“Yes Mommy.” Seungkwan swung his legs and Jeonghan bit his lip. He could do this. He could.

“Can you please call me Appa?”

“But Daddy said you like Mommy. That it makes you feel special and happy and that it makes you all warm?” Seungkwan repeated and Jeonghan closed his eyes.

“Seungkwan-ah? Remember how Miss Laura said that your Daddy did some bad things? And that’s why I was in hospital and couldn’t mind you?”

“It was scary. Miss Laura was nice but I missed you.” Seungkwan leaned against Jeonghan’s side and patted his hand.

“I missed you too baby. But one of the bad things your Daddy did was getting you to call me Mommy.”

“But, Mommy is your name?” Seungkwan sounded so puzzled that Jeonghan almost laughed.

“No love. My name is Jeonghan. That’s why Jisoo-ya and Seungcheol-ah call me ‘Jeonghan-ah’; and why Mingyu-ya calls me ‘Jeonghan-hyung’. And I’m a boy, just like you, hm?” Jeonghan tweaked Seungkwan’s nose, waiting patiently as Seungkwan processed that.

“But Daddy didn’t call you ‘Jeonghan-ah’?”

“No he didn’t.” He should have read further into that.

“It was like buttercup?”

Buttercup? “Like what, baby?”

“Mingyu-hyung talks on the phone sometimes and he calls someone Buttercup.” Seungkwan snuggled closer, holding Jeonghan’s hand now. So Mingyu was dating. Interesting.

“No, it wasn’t like Buttercup. It was not nice. It’s important to be respectful. That’s why in English you say Miss Laura and not Laura, and Miss Rock and not your teacher’s first name. And why when we speak Korean, you say Minghao-ya and not Minghao. Remember?”

Seungkwan nodded, “And why I call Mingyu-hyung ‘Mingyu-hyung’?”

“Exactly.”

“But Daddy didn’t do that?” Seungkwan cocked his head.

Jeonghan shook his head, “No, your Daddy didn’t do that with me.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, baby. I don’t know.”

“And you want to be Daddy? Not Mommy? Is Mommy a bad word?”

“I want to be your Appa. And Mommy isn’t a bad word, it’s just the word for girl parents. Female Daddies. Like…. Yerin from school? She has a Mam and a Dad doesn’t she?”

Seungkwan nodded, “James has two Mums.”

“Does he? Well, you have two Daddies alright? But I’d like you to call me Appa. Or Papa if you want.” Jeonghan smoothed a hair behind Seungkwan’s ear.

“Do you not like Mommy?” Seungkwan pouted a little, lip wobbling and Jeonghan sighed.

“No, I don’t,” gentle keep your voice gentle, “Can you call me Appa instead?”

Seungkwan burst into tears and Jeonghan patted his hand. “Do you want to take a break? I know this is hard for you.” Seungkwan scrambled into his lap and wrapped his arms around his neck. Jeonghan rubbed his back gently. 

Seungkwan’s tears eventually died down, and he snuffled until Jeonghan dug a tissue out of his pocket and handed it to him with instructions to blow.

“Did I hurt you?” Seungkwan whispered into Jeonghan’s neck, and oh. Jeonghan’s heart broke.

Honesty was important, so Jeonghan said, “A little bit.” And held Seungkwan tighter when he started to sob again. 

“I’m sorry Appa, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry!” Seungkwan was working himself up and Jeonghan tried to soothe him, rubbing his back gently and telling him that it was ok, Jeonghan loved him, he was safe, he was loved. But he just cried harder.

Jeonghan kept rubbing his back and holding him.

The doorbell rang.

Jeonghan hoisted Seungkwan up onto his hip, tears soaking his shirt, and went to get it.

“Hi Jisoo-ya, hi Hansol-ah! Come in, come in.”

“Hi Jeonghan-ah, hey Seungkwan-ah? Are you okay?” Jisoo closed the door behind him and stepped around Jeonghan to look at Seungkwan.

Seungkwan shook his head, “I hurt Appa.”

“Did you?” 

Jeonghan went to correct him, but Seungkwan got there first, “Called Appa ‘Mommy’ and hurt his feelings.” 

Jisoo nodded solemnly, “I’m sorry to hear that Seungkwan-ah. Are you going to do it again?”

“No!” Seungkwan shouted and shook his head, “Never.”

“Well then it’s okay isn’t it? Did you apologise?”

“Yes, I said sorry.”

“And did your Appa accept it?”

“Yes?”

“Then it’s okay. You’re learning from your mistakes, that’s good, Seungkwan-ah.” Jisoo smiled encouragingly but Seungkwan turned to look at Jeonghan.

“Appa?”

“Thank you for saying sorry Seungkwan-ah. It means a lot to me. And it wasn’t all your fault, you were just doing what your Daddy said was right. Okay? So no more tears. It’s all okay now.”

Seungkwan stopped crying, but didn’t leave Jeonghan’s side until bedtime. He helped with dinner, begging to help until Jeonghan unearthed the child safe knives and let him chop mushrooms. Hovered outside the bathroom until Jeonghan washed his hands, tagged along behind him as Jeonghan went around the house piling things into the laundry basket, and even copied Jeonghan when he was saying goodnight to Minghao. 

“Time for you to go to bed now, Seungkwannie. You have drama tomorrow, and then we’re going to the library!” Jeonghan settled Seungkwan in bed and sat down beside him. “Do you want a story?”

“Yes please Appa.”

After the next chapter of Charlotte’s Web, Seungkwan’s eyes started to close, and Jeonghan dropped a kiss onto his forehead.

“Sleep well, sweetheart.”

Seungkwan reached for him and wrapped his arms around his neck, “I am sorry Appa. Didn’t mean to make you sad.”

Jeonghan kissed his nose, “I know you didn’t. It’s okay. I forgive you. Sleep well and I’ll come wake you up in the morning. I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Jeonghan slept soundly that night.

After promising himself that he would bring the kids to the library for weeks, he finally got them there that Friday. He arrived just in time for story time, and ushered Seungkwan into the circle of children sitting around a lady with long curly grey hair. He sat on one of the big armchairs a little ways off, bouncing Minghao gently in his lap.

The lady clearly had kids, or else she’d been trained by some sort of story telling ninja school, because she was brilliant. She was reading Dr. Seuss’s Cat in The Hat, and the children were captivated. She had a different accent for each character; the Cat was upper class British, Sally had a cockney accent, Thing One and Thing Two were Irish, but Thing One had a lisp; and the fish was French.

Jeonghan smiled along with the kids as the librarian rhymed her way through the story, and Minghao, sitting looking at the children, started to babble along quietly.

Before Jeonghan could try and shush him, a mother sitting near him leaned over, “You’re fine, the golden rule is lifted for story time. Your baby is so cute, what’s his name?” She had her own baby sitting on her lap, a tiny tot in a yellow romper, gnawing at her mother's fingers quietly.

“This is Minghao, and my eldest is over there, Seungkwan. What about you?”

“This is Lily and her sister is there with the pigtails, Susan. Is this your first time?”

Jeonghan nodded, wrapping an arm around Seungkwan and turning to face her so they could chat quietly. “I’ve been meaning to drop in for a while but, you know the way. She’s very good.”

“Melinda? She is. She was the librarian here when I was little. All the children love her.”

Seungkwan loved the library. He got a book out, and Jeonghan got one out too, and they had a look through the films, and found Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Seungkwan hadn’t seen it yet and Jeonghan remembered it being fantastic, so they borrowed that too, picking up popcorn on the way home and settling in front of the TV to watch it the second everyone had finished dinner.

It was as good a film as he’d remembered, and Seungkwan couldn’t stop chatting about it as they got ready for bed, singing half remembered lines and twirling around the bathroom. Truly heartwarming.

The next day, they all had a lie-on. Minghao woke up as normal, but Jeonghan just shuffled out of bed, changed him and brought him back in and snuggled down beside him, dozing back off. Seungkwan came in a little while later, “Morning Appa!” but Jeonghan tugged him in beside him too. “Just a little while longer sweetheart.” Seungkwan got in under the covers and mostly stayed still, playing with Minghao quietly for a while.

“Appa? Breakfast time now?” Seungkwan touched his face and Jeonghan sighed internally. Yes. Breakfast time.

Jeonghan sat up slowly, “Okay, Kwannie. Go and get your dressing gown first? And your slippers.” And then once Seungkwan had wriggled out of bed and off to his own room, “Hey Minghao sweetie, time to wake up again.”

Minghao stretched and yawned and in general looked very cute. Jeonghan leaned down to blow raspberries on his tummy and Minghao giggled, squirming away.

“Appa! Breakfast!”

“Okay okay, we’re coming!” Jeonghan pulled Minghao up off the bed and swirled him around before following Seungkwan down the stairs to make a nice grilled Saturday morning breakfast.

Despite the fact that it was a rainy Saturday and they were all tired, Seungkwan wanted to make gingerbread men, ‘and women!’, and so Jeonghan had settled Minghao down for his afternoon nap, and put both of their aprons on, before realising that the cookie cutters had vanished from the kitchen. He knew he had a new set in his wardrobe, waiting to be gifted to Seungkwan for his end of term party, but he figured that now was as good a time as any (the end of term was Friday) and the old ones had literally gone for a walk.

Jeonghan climbed the stairs two at a time and opened the master bedroom without a second thought. He pulled open the wardrobe and sank to his knees, rummaging through the back for the gift bag and locating the cutters. He stood up and stared. A blood red dress stared back at him and all of a sudden he was back on the floor, clutching the cookie cutters. Cold. His head was spinning around a dance floor and he didn’t know why. What was the dress doing in his wardrobe? Why did he own a dress?

And then it all flooded back to him.

He hadn’t realised he’d forgotten anything. Hadn’t realised there was something to forget.

He couldn’t believe his husband had done any of that. Brought him out in a dress, with his head a tangled ball of wool and then punished him for it? 

He started to sob, curled up into a ball, memories flashing through his head like fireworks and fear gripping his heart.

“Mom-Appa?” Seungkwan peered in the doorway and Jeonghan looked at him, he looked scared.

Jeonghan could relate.

“Baby? Can you-” Jeonghan drew a shaky breath and tried to think past the cottony haze, “get my phone please?”

Seungkwan vanished and Jeonghan blinked to see the phone in front of him.

“Thank you, baby.”

Jeonghan unlocked it, taking shuddering breaths and pressing back into the wall to try and anchor himself somehow. He needed help. Needed someone to mind the kids while he fell apart. 

His last phone call had been to Seungcheol, and he supposed that he would do.

He pressed redial.

  
  


Jeonghan supposed he went to that hazy safe place because next thing he knew, he was wrapped in a blanket on the couch, a hot water bottle on his lap and the TV on low.

He blinked, breath picking up and hands tensing in the wool-

“You’re okay. You’re okay Jeonghan-ah.” 

Jeonghan looked up, Seungcheol was sitting on the arm of the couch.

“You’re in your sitting room. It’s Saturday June 13th, 4.20 pm. Seungkwan-ah is in the kitchen with Jisoo-ya, and Minghao-ya is still asleep. You’re okay.”

“I’m sorry?” Jeonghan tried, his voice was barely audible. He didn’t quite feel present.

“Nothing to be sorry for Jeonghan-ah. We said if you needed anything. You’re alright.” 

Jeonghan couldn’t quite focus on Seungcheol’s face, his gaze kept slipping off him to the wallpaper behind it. “The dress.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Seungcheol asked softly, matching Jeonghan’s pitch.

“I didn’t want to wear it. But dresses made it not hurt. Dresses meant lots of lube,” Jeonghan whispered, “I’m sorry you don’t want to hear this.” Jeonghan shuttered.

Seungcheol shook his head, “If you want to talk, I want to listen.”

“You don’t mind?” Jeonghan didn’t believe that.

“You’re our friend. We want to be able to help you, and I think talking will help you.” Seungcheol smiled encouragingly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

“We went dancing. I kept zoning out, couldn’t stay in my body, I was so confused. It was really scary.”

“I’d bet it was. Like you feel now?”

“No, I’m in my body now, just drifty. I don’t know why. It’s scary. I don’t remember the call, did I call you earlier?” Jeonghan tried to zone in, to focus.

“Yeah, you called me. You cried, and Seungkwan-ah let us in. I picked you up and brought you down stairs. I figured that would be okay? I’m sorry I didn’t ask, you weren’t very responsive.”

“It’s okay. Thank you. I, I didn’t know what to do,” Jeonghan’s shoulder’s started to shake and he gripped the blanket, “I always do things wrong, what’s wrong with me?”

“Hey, hey,” Seungcheol slipped down onto the couch and tapped his foot against Jeonghan’s leg. “You don’t always do things wrong! You’re brilliant in work, everyone looks up to you, you’re Rowena’s favourite. And your kids are perfect, you’re such a good parent. And you’re kind and friendly? Who told you you do things wrong?”

“He, he, he said I needed correction?” Jeonghan stared at his feet, pressing the hot water bottle against his chest.

Seungcheol clicked his teeth, “Well he’s been arrested Jeonghan-ah, maybe he was wrong.”

Jeonghan started to cry again, pressing his face into his knees, hoping that he’d maybe get a hug, he felt ridiculous. He was a fully grown man. But he just, was it so wrong to want a hug? To want physical contact? His husband had been gone for five weeks and he missed him. He cried harder. He knew he shouldn’t miss him, but he was stupid, he was silly, he was weak and he missed him.

Someone sank down on the couch beside him, “Jeonghan-ah, can I touch you?” Jisoo asked lightly, smelling of tomatoes and garlic.

Jeonghan nodded, sobbing hard, and then he was wrapped in a hug. Jisoo’s warmth bled through their jumpers. Jeonghan shuddered, pressing into the embrace and trying to catch his breath.

“You’re not silly. It’s okay to miss people. Emotions are confusing. And you were married for, how long?”

“Ten, ten years.”

“Oh my, that’s twice as long as us. You got married young! Of course you’re going to find it hard. And it’s okay. It’s okay to ask for help, and to talk to us if you want to. You’re doing really well Jeonghan-ah, considering everything that’s been going on? You’re doing so well.”

Jeonghan slowly relaxed enough to open his eyes, Seungcheol was looking at Jisoo strangely. Jeonghan pulled away, he didn’t want them to fight.

“Thank you, I’m sorry.”

Jisoo’s arm was still around his shoulders, and he rubbed one gently, “You’re very welcome. Don’t be sorry. We don’t mind at all, do we Cheol-ah?”

“Not at all.” Seungcheol smiled at him, and Jeonghan relaxed back into Jisoo. He already felt much more in himself. Maybe he’d just needed a hug.

By the time the dinner that Jisoo and Seungkwan had made was ready, Jeonghan felt a lot more grounded, felt more real, more tangible. The food was delicious. The conversation was easy, the three of them talking about work and the weather and the Hong-Chois’ summer plans. They had wanted to go to South Korea to visit family, but they couldn’t afford it this year, after just buying the house and with Hansol so young, so they were planning on a stay-cation. Go down the country, visit some old houses, go to a few lakes. Peaceful and easy.

Jeonghan cocked his head. “We had a house booked for a week in August, nothing fancy, but in the Lake District. It was really big, two double bedrooms with en-suites, a single and a set of bunks, a massive kitchen, living and dining rooms and a garden. Laura, the social worker, thinks my husband is going to get 12 months. And the divorce papers arrived on Wednesday. He’s not going to be going. But we paid in full. Would you like to come with us?” 

Neither of them said anything for a second, just sort of staring at him, and Jeonghan tensed, “Of course there’s no pressure, I just thought, getting accommodation right now is going to be really hard. There’s the big push for domestic tourism, and all the American tourists. You really should have booked in January-”

Seungcheol looked at Jisoo, “We’d have to think about it-”

“But thank you very much for the offer, Jeonghan-ah. We’ll talk about it and check some things and get back to you alright?” Jisoo smiled, fingers interlaced with Seungcheol.

“Sure. It’s booked for the first week of August. Friday to Sunday. 2nd to 10th I think? Something like that. I’ll check the dates later. Plenty of time.”

While Seungcheol was gathering their bits, Jisoo offered to help him go through his wardrobe. “I know you can do it yourself, but maybe it would be easier with help? And you said you wanted to send your husband his stuff anyway, or at least pack it away. Maybe on Thursday? Once Cheol-ah gets home? He can keep an eye on the kids and we can pop over here and at least start it?”

That sounded, that sounded incredibly helpful. If Jeonghan was to be honest, and he was supposed to be honest with himself now, the thoughts of going through their wardrobes terrified him. “Jisoo-ya, that would be amazing, just, I don’t know what’s in his wardrobe and I’m going to need you to not be judgemental.”

“Never,” Jisoo insisted, drawing him into a hug, “I said before, yeah? Me and Cheol can be freaky. We’re not going to judge you. But if you want to talk, we’re here alright?”

“Okay, okay,” Jeonghan laughed a tiny bit, “okay!”

“Do you want us to take the dress?” Jisoo pulled back but left his hands on his shoulders, “We’ll put it in the attic until you want to deal with it. No use in leaving it lying around and causing you grief.”

“You seriously are angels. Yes please. And thank you for dinner, you didn’t have to but I’m really glad you did. And thank you for coming over,” Jeonghan turned to Seungcheol, “and for everything, I don’t know how to thank you both enough. You’ve both been so incredibly helpful and important and I know I only know you a few months but I feel like I’ve known you both forever. Thank you?”

Seungcheol had Hansol on his hip and a baby bag over his shoulder, but that didn’t stop him from tugging Jeonghan into a hug and squeezing him tight. “You’re very welcome. We’re happy to help and I speak for the two of us when I say you’ve really made the move into the neighbourhood easy. We enjoy spending time with you too.”

“Just be yourself,” Jisoo murmured, wrapping his arms around the three of them, “that’s thanks enough.”

Seungkwan careened into their legs, “Group hug?”

Jeonghan laughed wetly, when had the tears returned? “Yes baby. Thanks you two. And you Hansollie! And you Seungkwannie. Shall we let your hyungs go home?” He pulled away and bent down to pick Seungkwan up, hugging him tightly and waving the others off.

“Appa?”

“Yes, sweetie?”

“Can I sleep in with you tonight? 

He shouldn’t. He really shouldn’t, Seungkwan was on a really good sleep schedule. But he had had a _day._ “Just for tonight, baby. Why don’t you go get ready while I bring your brother upstairs? He already fell asleep.”

“Okay, Appa.” 

As soon as Jeonghan set him down, he marched off purposefully up the stairs. Jeonghan smiled after him, he had the best kids, and went to rescue Minghao from the small mound of pillows they'd set him and Hansol down in earlier.

Minghao yawned and smacked his lips when Jeonghan picked him up, instantly nuzzling into Jeonghan’s hair and wriggling close. Jeonghan stroked his tiny back and climbed the stairs as smoothly as he could manage, settling Minghao down in his crib with a kiss and turning on the nightlight.

In his bedroom, Seungkwan was already under the duvet, and he grabbed his pyjamas and hurried through his nighttime routine before sliding in beside his eldest. Seungkwan wriggled closer, holding Jeonghan’s hand.

“Did you want a story?”

“Sleepy.” Seungkwan managed, rolling closer to press his face against Jeonghan’s chest. Jeonghan patted his back absently.

“Okay love, let’s sleep now.”

  
  


The rest of the week was hard. Jeonghan kept crying, kept just stopping and having to leave the room and wash his face and try to pull himself together.

Isidore was sympathetic on Wednesday, pulling the whole story out of him, from the dress to the tango club to the panic attack and the next morning and the hospital, and by the end, Jeonghan was sobbing his heart out. 

Isidore made him tea and draped a blanket over his shoulders.

“First things first. Jeonghan, you shouldn’t have been treated like that and it’s not your fault.”

Jeonghan sipped his tea and stared at them.

“It’s not. Tell me that.”

“It’s not my fault?”

“No it’s not. Okay? I want you to tell yourself that every day. Every morning, every time you feel like crying, every time you cry. Before you go to sleep. All the time. Tell yourself that none of this pain is your fault. Because it isn’t. I promise you it isn’t.”

Jeonghan nodded slowly, “It’s not my fault.” 

“No. And secondly, sex shouldn’t hurt. Ever. Shouldn’t hurt your body and it shouldn’t hurt your mind. And if you don’t want it, it’s rape.”

Jeonghan nodded, he’d mostly figured that one out. “But, but he was my husband?” The websites said marital rape was rape but-

“If you say no, or say ‘I’m tired’ or say ‘I don’t want to’ or turn away, or start to cry, or push someone away, or even if you don’t do any of those things but you just don’t want to have sex; then it’s rape,” Isidore said gently, “It doesn’t matter if you’re married, if you’re in a long or a short term relationship, if you’re having casual sex, if you said yes before but now you don’t want to go further. Consent is constant and only yes means yes.”

“Even if it’s not sex?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like,” Jeonghan’s throat closed up. He breathed slowly. “Like spanking. Cause I messed up?”

“Yes. If you don’t want something it shouldn’t be happening.”

“But it made my head still?” Jeonghan was exhausted, “All week, my head has been syrupy and I don’t know what to do and my husband would just…”

“Hit you?”

“Yeah, until my head went quiet.”

Isidore looked contemplative, Jeonghan drank his tea and waited for the therapist to gather their thoughts.

“Have you ever heard of BDSM?” Isidore asked after a few moments and Jeonghan shook his head.

“Is that the thing in that book? 50 Shades, or something?”

“Kind of. But that’s a terrible representation. What you’re describing, your head going quiet, might be a bit similar to what people who practice BDSM call subspace. A form of endorphin high. Some say it’s similar to a runner’s high. I prescribe running to a lot of my patients, a time to think of nothing but one foot in front of the other and your breathing. But irrespective of what it is or what it’s called, those types of things require lots of conversations and consent. If you hit someone without their permission then it’s assault. Plain and simple.”

Jeonghan nodded. “Okay. And it wasn’t my fault?”

“No. It’s never okay to hit someone for doing something wrong. You talk it out. And burning a cake doesn’t mean you need to be ‘corrected’. Alright?”

Jeonghan just looked at them. The words were objectively true. But, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d messed up and gotten away with it or just had it ignored or commiserate over. “Yeah. Do you think running would make my head less syrupy?”

“It might. It might. I think what you really need is a good night’s sleep, a bath, a glass of wine and a lot of skin contact. Cuddle with your kids, get hugs off your friends. But an extra blanket on your bed, the weight will help. You’re okay. You’ve just had a lot of shocks close together and a difficult few years. Rome wasn’t built in a day, Jeonghan. This will pass, it will get easier, but it will take time. And lots of setbacks. You’re going to be okay.”

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


It was well into July by the time Jeonghan started to believe that. Summer was well in season, Seungkwan was attending summer camps in the school and the Hong-Chois were going to go on holiday with them in August. Normally, Jeonghan would just take the summer months off or work one day a week. But with his husband’s trial date set for the 25th, and the divorce papers with his lawyer, he stayed in work. They were hopeful that Jeonghan would get full custody and the family home, and Jeonghan was happy about it, but he just didn’t understand why his husband didn’t even try to have visitation rights or anything. Just said ‘I don’t want the kids.’ Jeonghan’s lawyer was overjoyed, rarely were ugly divorce cases so simple. 

The trial was on Friday, and Jeonghan wasn’t ready for it. Best case scenario, according to Laura, was for his husband to plead guilty to the assault charges. He’d probably get a year. If he pleaded innocent, they’d have to swear in a jury and go through the entire rigmarole of a full on court case. 

Jeonghan hoped beyond hope that he would plead guilty. 

It would be the least that he could do.

But Friday was a few days away, so Jeonghan shook it out of his head and buckled Seungkwan into the car, fixing his neckerchief. “You look fine, Seungkwan. What’s wrong?”

“I miss Daddy.” Seungkwan whispered into his seat belt and Jeonghan’s heart.

“I know you do. I’m sorry.”

“Does Daddy not miss me?”

How to explain that he didn’t. That he didn’t even ask about them when they communicated through their lawyers. That he didn’t ever want to see them again. 

“Does he not miss me, Appa?” Seungkwan took a hold of his blazer and Jeonghan covered his hand with his own.

“Seungkwan-ah, I hope he does. I hope he does.”

“Do you miss Daddy?”

Tears welled in Jeonghan’s eyes and he blinked them away rapidly, “I do, baby, I do.”

“Is he coming back?”

Jeonghan held Seungkwan’s hands tightly and shook his head, “No, he’s not love. I’m so sorry.”

Jeonghan expected Seungkwan to burst into tears, to be outwardly upset, but he just nodded and pulled Jeonghan in for a hug. “Okay.”

“Appa loves you very much, alright? That’s never going to change.” Jeonghan murmured into Seungkwan’s ear and Seungkwan nodded.

“Love you too, Appa. We’re going to be late.”

Children. So bouncy.

Jeonghan dropped Seungkwan off at Beavers and brought Minghao to the seafront. He was going to get a mocha and walk down the pier. It was lovely and warm, a nice breezy July evening and there were lots of people out. He parked the car in one of the sea front car parks and buckled himself into the baby carrier before slotting Minghao into it and turning his head carefully so he could look out.

“Are you okay, Minghao-ya?” Jeonghan asked as he grabbed his wallet, phone and keys, closing the car door. Minghao scrunched his hands in Jeonghan’s top, despite Jeonghan’s best attempts, he was a quiet child. “Okay, let’s go, we’re walking along the seafront. Look, can you see the water? That’s called the sea. Sometimes there are dolphins in there, or seals. Maybe we’ll see some today, hm?”

Their walk continued in much the same way, Jeonghan keeping up a running commentary of everything they saw or did- “Appa is drinking a mocha, it’s a very tasty chocolate coffee, you can try one when you’re much older-” and eventually going back to the car and collecting Seungkwan. The sea air knocked Minghao out and he fell asleep as soon as they got home.

  
  


It was late on Wednesday when Jeonghan got back to his house, he’d had a difficult session with Isidore specifically around the things that he would have to talk about in court; physical abuse, the threats to the children, the constant fear that he’d lived with for years. He’d left the session with a prescription for a large slice of cake and rescue remedy. 

He’d ended up ringing Jisoo and asking if he was free for a coffee. 

_“Sure, can I bring Hansollie? Otherwise, come over here?”_

“I just got out of therapy. I can’t collect the kids right now, I feel like I’ll-”

_“Oh, right. Well, I’m doing nothing so I can meet you wherever. Do you feel okay to drive?”_

“Yeah, yeah. Just, Isidore prescribed cake, and I- I’m sorry I shouldn’t have rung.” Jeonghan prepared to hang up, but Jisoo stopped him.

_“Don’t be like that. I’d love a slice of cake. And this week is going to be hard for you. Of course I’m here for you. What about the café beside Tescos near where you work? It’s big isn’t it? They have lots of options right?”_

“Yeah, okay. Perfect. I’ll see you there?”

_“Drive safely.”_

“You too.”

The cake and coffee had been just what he’d needed, and while he hadn’t explained anything to Jisoo, or Seungcheol, not really. About the trial and his husband and everything, they knew the vagaries. And Jisoo’s careful chatter about work, about his latest addition to his amazon watch list of pieces and kits he needed for his next gundam build. Jeonghan just nodded and smiled. He’d look it up later. Most of their conversation was about their holiday. 

The Hong-Chois had insisted on paying Jeonghan 50% of the rental fee, and made him promise that they’d all split grocery bills and things. Jeonghan was just overjoyed that he wouldn’t have to go alone or cancel it. And that he’d hopefully enjoy it much more. Holidays with his ex had been a 50-50 chance of disaster. 

But.

Happy thoughts.

  
  


“Happy thoughts.” Jeonghan muttered as he opened his eyes to the sound of Minghao’s stuttering cries for the third time Thursday night. Or was it Friday morning? He didn’t want to look at a clock, he knew the trial was imminent, he didn’t need to look and see how imminent.

“Happy thoughts,” He sang to the tune of ‘Popular’ as he swayed Minghao around the nursery, “All you need are happy thoughts!”

“Happy thoughts?” He tried again when Minghao cried himself physically sick and Jeonghan sat down in the bathroom, sick stained clothes on the floor, Minghao on his chest, finally quiet. Too tired to do anything but sniffle pathetically. Jeonghan had tears running down his face.

It was the third night in a row, and Jeonghan knew that kids picked up on tension and drama but this was too much. They’d ever been this bad. Not really.

‘One, two, three, four,’ Jeonghan counted in his head, ‘seven, eight, nine-’

“Mommy?” Seungkwan pushed open the bathroom door, tears running down his face, “Mommy I had a nightmare,” he sobbed, teddy scrunched against his chest, fist screwed against his eyes, “Mommy, Mommy?”

Jeonghan blinked and swallowed, and extended his arm towards Seungkwan, “Come here baby.” 

Seungkwan slumped down beside Jeonghan and turned his face into his chest, tears and snot pressing against his skin. Jeonghan rubbed his back, held them both tightly, kissed their heads. Hummed something. Prayed. 

“Do you want to sleep with Appa tonight?” Jeonghan said after Seungkwan’s tears slowed to a stop.

Seungkwan looked at his bunny, squishing his ears and un-squishing them rhythmically. “Scared, Appa.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Scared of Daddy coming back, and and and and-” he started crying again and Jeonghan leaned his forehead against his crown.

“Take a breath sweetheart, deep breaths. In through your nose, and out through your mouth. Just like that. In, and out. And in, and out-” he continued, thinking quietly that he never thought he’d have to talk his five year old through a panic attack of some sort. “-You can do it. You’re gonna be fine.”

“I don’t want you to cry anymore, Appa, Daddy made you cry all the time, and I like being able to sing and play!” Seungkwan huffed and sank back against Jeonghan.

“Oh sweetheart. Your Daddy isn’t coming back. I promise. Just me. You don’t have to worry about that. You’re safe here,” Jeonghan managed through a completely broken heart. Why had he done this to him, to them? Why had he been such an awful human? “Appa has you.”

Seungkwan practically fell asleep, but Jeonghan roused him slowly so he could give them all a quick sponge bath before getting clean pyjamas for everyone and cuddling them all close in his bed.

This trial couldn’t be over with soon enough.

  
  


And then he was sitting in the tiny wooden chairs beside Laura, hands gripping his knees, long past creasing his carefully pressed trousers. He was shaking. They had accepted his application to testify behind a screen, but just the knowledge that his husband was in the room was more terrifying than he’d thought it would be.

Sitting in the stand and swearing on a bible that he wouldn’t lie was pretty much all Jeonghan remembered. He knew he’d answered the questions they’d prepared, he knew the other lawyer had asked some things that had hurt and he knew that he’d cried, but he couldn’t recall specifics. Just that he felt completely numb afterwards and had nobody to go to, nobody to call, no sister, no partner, no friends. 

His phone buzzed when Laura dropped him home after they’d gotten coffee and cake to celebrate their win. His husband had been sentenced to 18 months.

**Jisoo 16:12**

How did it go? Are you okay?

**Jeonghan 16:15**

18 months  
I’m okay

He sat down on his couch and stared out the window, numb, and let the phone fall into the cushions. He must have sat there for hours, staring, barely blinking, thinking of the wreck that was his marriage, because he blinked and Jisoo was kneeling in front of him.

“You gave me a spare key, remember? You weren’t picking up and I was worried. It’s been two hours. Will you drink some water for me?”

Jeonghan took the bottle and gulped it down, handing it back to Jisoo and shivering, surprised to feel tears on his cheeks, he felt ill. Felt like he was going to pass out or expire on the spot. “I should feel happy-” his voice was completely wrecked, “-I just feel like I’m going to die.”

“You can only feel what you feel. Can I hug you? Or touch you?” Jisoo asked and Jeonghan stared at him. Could he hug him. He didn’t know. His husband would say no. He’d say he was trying to steal him away. But his husband was in jail now. His husband’s opinion didn’t matter anymore. And they were getting divorced. His husband’s opinion would never matter again.

He nodded, and he was wrapped up tightly in a hug that was pure pressure, pure grounding, pure- Jeonghan burst into tears, ruining Jisoo’s shirt and shaking uncontrollably. Jisoo wrapped a blanket around him but he still couldn’t stop shaking, still couldn’t stop crying, just- The only thing holding him together was the hug and he clutched on as tight as he could.

Eventually, he managed to stop crying, clinging onto Jisoo’s shoulders as if he was a kitten or a baby, but Jisoo just held him, kept murmuring something under his breath, something calming, and eventually the shaking petered out too.

“Come over for dinner and stay the night. We have a guest room, the kids can share with Hansol, you need to not be alone right now. It would be cruel of me to leave you alone right now.”

Jeonghan had no energy to protest, just nodded and sunk into the embrace, drained and exhausted.

It was only when he was ensconced on the couch with a hot water bottle and a mug of tea the size of his head that he remembered his kids. “My, the kids, oh my god, what is Mingyu going to think, I’m such a bad-”

Seungcheol handed him his phone, “I’m sure he’ll understand, ask him to drop them over here. Nobody expects you to be on top of everything right now.”

Mingyu drove them down and dropped them over, getting himself an invite in to see Jeonghan and give him an awkward pat, “Don’t worry about it, they’re angels, you know that.”

Jeonghan ate dinner in a daze, thankful that he basically had permission to check out and just let his brain process. 

He slept like the dead, waking briefly to go and take Minghao in, he’d cried himself awake again, but they’d both gone back to sleep immediately.

Jeonghan had felt a lot more like a human when he woke up the next morning, felt like all his pieces had stitched themselves together overnight. He had the week to armour himself anyway, before they went on holiday with the Hong-Chois.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


They drove down separately. They could probably have taken the one car, but Jeonghan wanted the couple to be able to go and do their own things, and he had a lot of stuff for the kids. It was Minghao’s first holiday and Jeonghan was ready with the cameras for the sheer level of cuteness that he knew would come about. Seungkwan was singing loudly at the top of his lungs, already belted into his car seat, as Jeonghan filled the car, Minghao strapped to his chest because he kept screaming any time Jeonghan left him.

Not for the first time that week or even that day, Jeonghan missed his husband.

Eventually, the car was packed, and Jeonghan began the slow, excruciating task of getting Minghao to settle in his car seat. 

“Lovey, I’ll just be in front of you and your hyung is right there, look, Seungkwannie is right there he’s going to protect you-”

“Hao-hao I’m here! The bestest big brother! Chief Hyung reporting for duty!” Seungkwan took Minghao’s tiny hand and peered at him, “You’re safe here with me, Minghao-ya!”

Jeonghan’s heart. Oh how he freaking adored his children, seriously how did he get so lucky?

“See! Nothing to worry about, my little elfling, just relax. Appa will be right here, you can hear me. Hm?” Jeonghan tried again, smiling and buckling him in, patting fingers lightly on his tiny chest and pulling back, closing the car door and sitting quickly into the driver’s seat. “I’m right here, love.”

Minghao snuffled, but Seungkwan kissed his cheeks and handed him his soother and he didn’t cry. Jeonghan met Seungkwan’s eyes in the rear view mirror and smiled.

“You’re such a good Hyung, Seungkwannie.”

“Thank you, Appa.”

He was such a good kid. Jeonghan popped on his sunglasses and put the car in gear. Time to go.

It was only a two hour drive, but solo and with kids? Jeonghan stopped at the first petrol station once they got on the motorway. Seungkwan needed the toilet. He _missed_ his husband. 

Jeonghan just took the baby seat with him, hoping that Minghao would stay relaxed even if he woke up, bringing Seungkwan into the baby changing room and rocking the carrycot gently. 

“Don’t forget to wash your hands, Seungkwan-ah. Remember you have to sing? What did you learn in school this week?”

“Kama kama kama kama kama chameleon, you come and go, you come and go,” Seungkwan dutifully scrubbed his hands, “Loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams, red, gold and green, red, gold and green. Done Appa!” Seungkwan dried his hands with a tissue and held them up for Jeonghan’s inspection.

“Perfect. Good boy. Ready to go?”

Seungkwan nodded, “Holiday!!!”

Jeonghan pecked him on the head and picking up Minghao’s carrier, opened the door, “Stay close to Appa now, Kwannie.”

Seungkwan fisted a hand in Jeonghan’s linen trousers. Why had he put so much thought into his outfit again? He had kids! A baby! This pretty patterned top probably wouldn’t even make it down to the holiday home! But Seungkwan had said, ‘Appa you look pretty’ that morning and that was already enough.

He belted the kids back into the car, thankfully Minghao was less huffy, content to just be kissed and handed his teddy.

Maybe they’d make it an hour before their next stop.

Twenty minutes later, Jeonghan cursed his thoughts and also his husband. Minghao was screaming and crying. He tried to calm him, shushing him and singing gently, Seungkwan patting his hands and moving his teddy in front of his face, trying to distract him, but Minghao just cried louder. When was the next rest stop god dammit?

“It’s okay baby, you’re okay. Just take a breath, you can do it-” Jeonghan knew Minghao couldn’t understand him but maybe he’d just listen to his voice? He tried to keep his attention firmly on the road, but the cries were getting louder and more plaintive, maybe he was in pain?

Jeonghan pulled into the hard shoulder, hazard lights on. He pulled up the handbrake and turned off the ignition, turning around. He was going to actually have to get out of the car, Minghao was facing the other way. Damn it damn it damn it.

Carefully, so carefully, Jeonghan hopped out of the car and leaned into the back seats. “Minghao, sweetheart, it’s okay. What’s wrong, hm?” He un-belted him and picked him up, pressing him against his chest with one hand and checking his nappy with the other. Dry. “What is it, love?”

“Appa? Why is he screaming?” Seungkwan asked, hands on his ears, and Jeonghan took a breath.

“Appa doesn’t know love. Minghao-ya are you hungry?” He’d eaten before they left, Jeonghan could feel tears prickling the back of his eyes. Deep breaths. You can do this. “Minghao-ya sweetie, Appas here, you’re okay, can you calm down for me please?” He bounced him a little, praying and hoping that he’d relax. 

He didn’t. Jeonghan pulled him away from his chest and, oh, he was drooling and his cheeks were red. Maybe it was his teeth? Jeonghan slipped a knuckle into Minghao’s mouth, and yes.

From the strength with which he gummed down on it, it was his teeth. How had he not thought of that.

“Oh baby. Appa is sorry, Appa didn’t realise. You must be in so much pain.” Where was the teething ring? “Seungkwan-ah? Can you get the frog out of the bag there by your feet?”

Seungkwan leaned down and grabbed the bag. “Here, Appa.”

That, that would do. “Minghao can Appa have his finger back? Just for a second?” The moment he removed the knuckle, Minghao started to wail again and Seungkwan clamped his hands over his ears. “Shush, it’s okay, I know it hurts, just wait a second,” Jeonghan rummaged in the bag, “here you go!” He slipped the frog teething ring into Minghao’s hands and he chomped down on it instinctively. Jeonghan breathed a sigh of relief and put him back into the car seat.

“Are you okay Seungkwan-ah?” Jeonghan ruffled the boy’s hair, he was so well behaved.

Seungkwan swung his legs, “Thirsty?”

Of course he was. “Your water bottle is right beside you sweetheart. No juice until dinner, you know that.”

“Okay Appa. Can we put on The Witches?”

“We certainly can.” Jeonghan sat back into the driver’s seat and pulled the door closed. After popping in the disk for the Roald Dahl book ‘The Witches’, he turned the key and turned off the hazard lights, indicating to get back onto the motorway. 

Just about an hour later, Jeonghan saw the sign for a petrol station. “Are you two okay in the back? Do we need to stop?”

“Appa?” Seungkwan sounded wobbly, Jeonghan flicked his eyes up to the mirror, oh he looked like he was about to cry, “I want a cuddle.”

“Okay love. Tell me how you feel?”

“Miss Daddy. I-” Seungkwan burst into tears, “I miss my Daddy~”

Jeonghan gripped the steering wheel tightly, “I know you do. I know you do.” He indicated to turn off for the petrol station. Numb. Minghao joined him, their cries getting louder and louder. Jeonghan wanted a cuddle.

Parking the car, Jeonghan opened Seungkwan’s door and unbuckled him, lifting him up into his arms for a cuddle. Seungkwan squeezed him tightly and Jeonghan returned the favour, walking around to the other side of the car to sit in beside Minghao and hold his hands. Seungkwan settled on his lap, pressing his head against Jeonghan’s neck and crying his heart out. 

Jeonghan leaned back against the seat and closed his eyes. One hand rubbing circles on Seungkwan’s back, the other rubbing circles on Minghao’s hands. A constant stream of “It’s okay, let it out, Appa loves you,” trying to reassure them both, his brain flashing pictures of the bed in the holiday home, imaginary images of just being hugged tightly by his husband, sleep, happy children and a happy marriage.

And then images of his husband’s face when the judge had delivered his sentence. His face when Jeonghan had asked him if he wanted to see the kids. His face when he’d put his hands on him in the café however many weeks ago. 

And his carefully chosen outfit? First of all why? Second of all, his shoulder was full of tears and boogies. Was he so desperate for affection only 12 weeks out- they were married, Jeonghan, Jesus.

Jeonghan sighed and squeezed Seungkwan tighter. Minghao had stopped crying, Seungkwan was just sniffling now. 

“Would you like some water, Seungkwan-ah?” Jeonghan asked gently once the tears had stopped. Seungkwan nodded and Jeonghan leaned over Minghao to grab the bottle, handing it to him and hunting for a tissue. He held it against Seungkwan’s nose with a “Blow, good man.” 

Seungkwan handed him back the water bottle and then pressed his face against Jeonghan’s chest. No tears this time. Jeonghan wrapped his arms around him and kissed his hair.

“I know you’re upset. I’m upset too. But we’re going to have a lovely holiday, okay? Lots of playtime, and trips to the water, yeah? We’re going swimming on Wednesday, and to the aquarium? And your hyungs are going to be there too. And little Hansollie. We’re going to have lots of fun. I promise. And I love you. Appa loves you so much.”

“Pictures?”

“Yes, lots of photos.”

“Are you ready to get back into your chair? We can listen to the rest of The Witches?” Jeonghan pressed another kiss to Seungkwan’s hair. 

“Okay.”

This time they got all the way to the holiday home before someone started crying. Minghao again. Jeonghan pulled into the drive, the Hong-Chois’ bright yellow Honda Civic was already there. He leaned his head against the steering wheel for five, ten, fifteen seconds before taking a deep breath and opening the car door.

Minghao settled the instant Jeonghan picked him up, quietening and babbling happily, hands tugging on Jeonghan’s hair like it was a stress toy. “Oh you just wanted your Appa, didn’t you? You are a little elf you know that? An imp perhaps.” He opened Seungkwan’s door and helped him out. 

“Appa!! We’re here!!” Seungkwan was rocking forward and backwards on his feet, looking between Jeonghan and the door in wonder.

“I know, sweetheart! Why don’t you go knock on the door?” Jeonghan plastered on a smile, even as the tears threatened to fall. He blinked them back. Not now. He reached in to grab the baby bag, slinging it on his baby free shoulder and closing the door. He grabbed his own bag and closed that door before locking the car, luggage could wait till later, and followed Seungkwan up to the front door.

There was a bath in his ensuite. Jeonghan slumped against the door jamb and kissed Minghao’s head. He was having a bath. Maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but sure as hell he was having a bath. He hadn’t had a bath in… weeks. He had to keep an eye on two babies constantly when had he had time for a bath?

Seungkwan shrieked from downstairs and Jeonghan’s heart seized. He hurried out of the room, bath forgotten, and down the stairs, only to stop as he saw Seungkwan in Seungcheol’s arms and heard him laughing as he was swung up and down. He stopped, hand on his chest and closed his eyes for a split second. He was okay. He was fine. Breathe. 

Minghao wriggled and then wailed right into Jeonghan’s ear. Tears welled up in his eyes and he blinked them away furiously. “What’s wrong with you, love? You’re going through the wars today aren’t you? Are you hungry?” Jeonghan bounced him and weaved around Seungcheol to go out to the car for a bottle. He’d, he couldn’t remember where he’d put the formula. He paused in front of the door, a headache blooming and Minghao screeching- He wanted his husband. He wanted someone to just take over and tell him he could go and have a well needed cry.

Maybe he’d put a bottle in the baby bag. Where had he put the baby bag?

Jeonghan went into the kitchen, closing the door behind him and pressing his forehead against the cool wood for a moment.

“Rough drive down?” Jisoo asked gently and Jeonghan jumped, turning around. Jisoo was feeding Hansol, the baby in the crook of his arm, suckling greedily from a bottle. 

Jeonghan nodded, knowing that if he tried to speak he’d burst into tears. Oh there was the bag. He rooted in it for a bottle and put it in the microwave, leaning against the counter and pressing his forehead against Minghao’s. Minghao sobbed harder.

Jeonghan tested the temperature against his wrist and then sat down, tapping the teat against Minghao’s cheek like always and waiting for him to turn towards it. He reached out to hold onto the bottle and started suckling, quietening almost instantly. 

Jeonghan watched him, and the tears started falling. He closed his eyes. Not now. Please not now. He practiced the careful breathing that Isidore insisted would help him calm down, in for four, hold for four, out for four, hold for four. It wasn’t working.

_Such a pathetic mother._

It was all Jeonghan could do to keep his arms relaxed and not disturb Minghao’s feed, but the tears had blurred his vision and he couldn’t stop crying. And Jisoo was just there, he was being such a mess, they weren’t going to want to stay. They’d probably wanted a break from this wretched mess of a neighbour. He should never have offered- but the thoughts of just being here, alone, with two crying children- like home was sometimes, just made him cry harder. 

Tentative hands settled on Jeonghan’s shoulders, one gently pulling him back against someone’s chest and the other moving across his chest in a hug. “You’re okay. You’re okay. Can I touch you like this? Is this okay?” Jisoo.

Jeonghan cried harder, closing his eyes and turning his head into Jisoo, trying to hide. 

Another set of hands tried to take Minghao out of his arms, he pulled him closer in alarm, blinking his eyes open. 

“Seungkwannie tired himself out, he’s lying down. Can I take Minghao? He’s nearly finished his bottle. Jisoo won the coin toss to feed Hansollie earlier, I’ll finish this feed for you. Please?” Seungcheol asked with a slight pout and Jeonghan reluctantly let go. Seungcheol carefully took the baby and the bottle, settling into another of the kitchen chairs.

Jisoo wrapped Jeonghan more firmly in a hug, smoothing his hair away from his face as he cried. He wasn’t even sure why he was crying. Emotionally drained and exhausted?

“You’re okay. It’s okay to need help. It’s okay to want a hug.”

“There you are,” Jisoo handed him a tissue, “I’m going to make tea?”

Jeonghan blew his nose and wiped his face, “Yes please. Thank you. It was a very stressful drive, I’m sorry-”

“You’re grand, don’t worry about it,” Seungcheol cut him off gently, “Minghao is asleep now, do you want to put him upstairs?”

“I’ll get his carrier, I can put up the cot later,” Jeonghan stood, “Thank you for feeding him.”

Seungcheol just smiled, Minghao nuzzled into his shoulder, and Jeonghan left the kitchen, pausing in the living room to see Seungkwan conked out on the sofa. Oh baby. 

Jisoo offered to go and do some shopping, they’d agreed to split any and all grocery bills at the end of the week. He took the super shopping list and went off to the nearest Lidls, leaving Jeonghan and Seungcheol with the kids. 

Seungkwan was back awake and full of energy. “Seungkwannie?” Jeonghan knelt down to talk to him, “Do you want to help Appa unpack the car? Or would you like to play with your brother and Hansollie?”

Seungkwan looked over Jeonghan’s shoulder where Seungcheol was unpacking a bag of soft blocks for Hansol to play with, and then looked back at Jeonghan. “Help?”

Jeonghan smiled, standing up, “Okay, love. Come with me?”

“Hyung going to mind Minghao-ya?” Seungkwan went over and looked at Seungcheol carefully until he looked up with a smile.

“Yeah, he’s safe with me.”

“Okay!” Seungkwan nodded and went ahead of Jeonghan to the front door. He was precious.

Between the two of them, Seungkwan taking in toys one by one, the car was empty pretty fast, the two kids set up in the bunk room- “Appa why do I have to share?” “Because you’re brothers”- and Jeonghan’s case mostly unpacked in his room.

"Do you mind if I have a glass of wine?" Jeonghan asked quietly once all the kids were asleep.

Jisoo shook his head, grabbing a third glass out of the cupboard, "Of course not. I didn't think you drank?"

"I wasn’t allowed." Jeonghan muttered, switching on the monitor and setting it on the table, missing the looks over his head.

Jisoo passed a glass into his hand carefully, “Well. Wine is important. Just, if you haven’t drunk in ages, go gentle.”

Jeonghan smiled in thanks and settled into the armchair, leaving the couch for the couple. Jisoo tucked himself into Seungcheol’s side, handing his husband their wine glasses while he got comfortable.

“So are we all still good to watch The Defenders?” Seungcheol checked for the third time, phone out and ready to cast Netflix. They nodded and he grinned wide, “Okay, lets go!”

  
  


On Tuesday they went to an outdoor swimming pool. Minghao was in a purple swim nappy and Seungkwan was in the cutest pair of swim trunks Jeonghan could find, blue with multi coloured sharks. He loved them, and insisted that Jeonghan find a matching swim cap and arm bands. Which he had. Jeonghan was nothing if not thorough.

Jeonghan stepped into the shallows, sitting down on the step and putting Minghao on his knees to keep him dry. Hopefully he wouldn’t hate the swimming pool as much as he hated having baths. He straightened his legs so that Minghao’s toes could touch the water, and was happily surprised when he wriggled his toes and clapped his hands. Jeonghan let him slide a little more down his legs, the water lapping at Minghao’s knees. He giggled and wiggled his legs. This was amazing. What was different about the swimming pool water? 

“Appa? Can I go further?” Seungkwan asked from a few steps away and Jeonghan shook his head, letting Minghao slip down to sit on the step between his legs, splashing happily.

“No, Seungkwan-ah, wait and see if your hyungs are strong swimmers, Appa isn’t, remember?” 

Seungkwan dunked under the water, moving through the water like a little shark, grabbing onto Jeonghan’s leg and popping his head up with a shark grin.

“Oh I’m wounded, oh such a fierce shark!”

“Appa, do the voices!”

Jeonghan smiled, “Oh no!” He put on a high pitched voice, “I’ve been caught! By a big shark! Oh no, save me save me!”

Seungkwan giggled and swam away, coming back just as Jisoo sat down and grabbing onto his leg. Jisoo didn’t miss a beat, “Argh!!! I’m wounded!!! I’m dying, dying, dying~”

“Oh my darling! I’ll save you from the big bad shark!” Seungcheol splashed into the water with Hansol on his hip, his purple swim nappy matching Seungcheol’s trunks. Seungkwan came up out of the water, giggling, holding onto Seungcheol’s trunks for balance.

“Thank you love-”

“Hyung can you swim?” Seungkwan talked over Jisoo, looking up at Seungcheol earnestly, “Appa can’t, and I want to go into the deep end?”

“Of course I can, do you want me to teach you?” Seungcheol looked between Seungkwan and Jeonghan and Jeonghan nodded with a smile.

“Please, hyung!” Seungkwan lit up and Seungcheol smiled, leaning back to pass Hansol off to Jisoo with a kiss to their foreheads and taking Seungkwan’s hand, leading him into a deeper part of the water. 

Jeonghan tugged Minghao up into his lap to hide a smile in his hair. “Seungcheol is so nice.”

“One of the reasons why I married him,” Jisoo laughed nudging Jeonghan’s shoulder with his own, “come and sit down properly into the water, let’s see if the babies can get from you to me.”

It was unbelievably cute, watching Minghao kick and float and giggle his way across the water from Jeonghan’s arms into Jisoo’s. He clung onto Jisoo’s arm, legs kicking happily as he splashed around. Jisoo gave him a little eskimo kiss and Jeonghan’s heart melted. 

Hansol splashed his way over to Jeonghan and gripped onto his shoulders the second he could, hiding his face in his skin. Jeonghan rubbed his back gently, “I know how you feel, water is a little scary. But look at your Dada, look how much fun he’s having with Seungkwannie!” And they were, Jeonghan could hear Seungkwan’s peels of laughter from here, kicking and splashing and moving through the water around Seungcheol, having a ball.

Once the babies got into a routine of swimming between Jeonghan and Jisoo, they started to chat. Jeonghan learnt that Jisoo and Seungcheol met on a lifeguard training course when they were in college. That they knew each other for years before they ever started dating, “It takes a while” Jisoo said, “for my brain to find people attractive, but once we got together we were engaged after like six months. We’d been friends for so long you know?” And that they’d had this tiny apartment for three years above a launderette, so their whole house used to smell constantly like clean linen, “The best scent ever, Jeonghan-ah, I swear to God especially when we got in from swimming or something and everything always smelt clean, just all the time. Candles have nothing on it.”

After a while, Jisoo’s looks towards the other swimmers became more frequent so when Hansol swam over to Jeonghan, he hugged the two babies close and said, “Go on then, go swim, I’ll mind these two.”

“But-”

Jeonghan just raised an eyebrow and gave Jisoo his best ‘Appa knows best’ face and Jisoo closed his mouth and waded over to ruffle Hansol’s hair.

“Okay okay! Hansollie, be good for Jeonghan-hyung okay? Shout if you need us.” Jisoo ruffled Minghao’s hair and then he was gone, swimming away like a fish up to Seungkwan and Seungcheol, picking Seungkwan up or something and spinning him around. Seungcheol went off to do lengths, and Jeonghan turned his attention back to the babies.

“Let’s see if you two munchkins can float, shall we?” Jeonghan cooed. He had watched all of the instructional ‘how to teach baby to like the water’ videos, not that any of them had worked for having a bath, but maybe the techniques would work for the pool. 

He turned Minghao carefully onto his back, stroking his finger down his stomach, “You’re okay, Appa has you. Don’t worry, just breathe.” Minghao just stared at the sky, clinging onto Jeonghan’s wrist with his fingers.

Jeonghan settled Hansol into the same position, gentling him with his hand on his stomach when he flailed a tiny bit, and then bending to kiss his nose, “You’re okay, you’re okay. Trust hyung, sweetie.”

Hansol calmed down, but gripped onto Jeonghan’s hand tightly, babbling away. Jeonghan nodded and hummed in all the right places, chatting happily with the baby, and keeping an eye on Minghao, who was still just staring at the sky in awe.

Seungkwan screeched and Jeonghan looked over, he was paddling along beside Jisoo as he did the backstroke up the pool, Seungcheol, a few paces behind, was lazily doing the breaststroke. Clearly they were both going slow in order to let Seungkwan keep up with them and, Jeonghan’s heart. He couldn’t help the massive smile on his face.

It stayed there while he chatted with the babies, stayed there when Hansol started fussing and Jeonghan plucked him up out of the water and set him on his hip, kissing his forehead and humming quietly while Hansol buried his head in his neck, mouthing at his skin searchingly. He was probably hungry. They had snacks in their bags… Jeonghan looked over at the other three, they were swimming away and splashing happily. 

He plucked Minghao up, gaining a pout and a tiny squeal, and perched him on his other hip, climbing the few steps and padding over to their bags and towels. He should probably change them… after they ate.

He set them both down on a few towels and dug in the bag for the rusks he’d packed earlier. They were beside a small tub of chopped fruit. The two babies took the rusks with delight, gnawing on them happily. Jeonghan dried himself a little bit, and sat down beside them, unpacking the camera for a few sneaky snaps. 

Minghao gave him a glare, *click*, Hansol tried to fit his fist and his rusk into his mouth at the same time and Jeonghan took a photo just before he tugged his hand free, “No, Hansol-ah. Don’t eat your hand. Little bites.” He watched him for a few seconds before he picked the camera back up and pointed it at the pool, getting snap after snap after snap of the other three frolicking in the water.

The two babies had finished their rusks, so Jeonghan handed them a slice of mango each, wiping at their faces with a wipe, so intent on cleaning them up and humming in response to their babbles, that he didn’t realise Seungcheol had gotten out of the water until he collapsed down beside him.

Jeonghan startled and then relaxed. “Having fun?”

“Yeah, the water has to be one of my favourite places to be. And Seungkwannie took to swimming like a fish to water. Unlike you, I gather?” Seungcheol leaned back on his hands.

Jeonghan handed the kids another piece of mango, “I never learnt. Water is a bit…”

“Intimidating?”

“Yeah, just a tad.”

“That’s fair enough. Hansol isn’t the biggest fan of it either, are you sweetheart?”

Hansol just sucked on his mango, more interested in Minghao’s toes than his father. Jeonghan ruffled his hair, “He wasn’t too bad. Floated happily enough, and swam, well, yeah he swam, between me and Jisoo for a while, but then he had enough, and he got a bit hungry, so we made our escape. Minghao on the other hand,” Jeonghan turned to face Seungcheol, “He absolutely hates bath time. Screams the house down every single time. But he loved the pool? He was happy to splash and wiggle and swim and float, he couldn’t get enough of the floating, pouted and whined when I picked him up. I’m still not over it.”

Seungcheol looked at Minghao, thinking, “Maybe it’s because you’re in the water? Or because there’s so much of it? It’s good though, at least he won’t freak and panic if he’s in water.”

“Oh it’s great don’t get me wrong, just baffling.”

Minghao finished his mango and tipped forward onto his hands and knees, crawling over to Jeonghan. “Hey, love. Is it time for a change? I think it is,” Jeonghan looked at Hansol, “I can change him too?”

Seungcheol shook his head, standing and grabbing their nappy bag, “Why should you. I’m here. We can go together, I think there’s only one changing room.”

Jeonghan nodded and swung Minghao up onto his hip with a smile, “Jisoo-ya is okay with Seungkwan?”

“Yeah, having the time of their lives.”

They changed the kids quickly, rinsing out the _reusable_ swim nappies and slipping them back on, they were like super protective swimsuits, the cuffs on the legs and tummy ensuring that the pool didn’t get contaminated. Minghao huffed and wriggled, trying to get away and crawl naked through the corridors, but Jeonghan caught him at the edge of the changing table. 

“Hao-hao, please. Be good.”

He brought them over to the sink to wash their hands, before turning on the hand dryer. Minghao _loved_ the hand dryer. He thought it was the coolest thing, giggling and bending to stick his head under it, shrieking with laughter until Jeonghan was laughing with him, turning him around and lifting him up to kiss his cheeks.

No sooner were they back out onto the towels, Jeonghan lying down with his head on a bag and Minghao on his stomach, the baby’s ear pressed to his heart and his hand on his face, did Seungkwan run out of the pool and over to them, dripping water all over everyone.

“Appa Appa Appa! I need to go wee!” Seungkwan shouted, crossing and uncrossing his legs. Jeonghan smiled, sitting up with a hand on Minghao’s back.

“Okay hold on just one second,” He stood, but Seungcheol reached for Minghao.

“Let me, go on.” 

Jeonghan handed him the baby and hurried Seungkwan into the bathroom, making it just in time. It was unreal how less stressed he was when there were other people to rely on and lean on. He hadn’t had to worry about Seungkwan being bored or upset because Jeonghan couldn’t swim, and he hadn’t even asked Seungcheol to hold Minghao, he’d just practically plucked him from his arms.

“Don’t forget to sing your hand washing song, love.” Jeonghan chided gently, when Seungkwan looked ready to run out of the bathroom.

He turned to the sinks with a huff, “Kama kama kama kama chameleon, you come and go you come and go, loving would be easy if your colours were like my dreams, red gold and green, red gold and green! Done, Appa, can I go back to the water now?”

“Do you not want some fruit?” Jeonghan asked, leading him back over to their things, Jisoo had flopped into Seungcheol’s lap, a baby asleep on each of their chests.

“No I wanna swim, Appa!”

“Have some fruit and sit for a little while, hm? And then you can go back in, the water isn’t going anywhere, Seungkwan.”

“But, Appa?”

Jeonghan sat back down and rooted for a peach. He handed it to Seungkwan, who automatically bit down. Jeonghan hid a smile. “Did you enjoy swimming, Seungkwannie? Tell Appa.” 

Seungkwan sat down with a plop between Jeonghan’s spread legs, munching happily on the peach, “yes, it’s fun, Cheol-Hyung taught me the froggie swim, and Jisoo-Hyung taught me how to do the backstroke?” he looked over at Jisoo who nodded, “And how to float, and kick my legs so I can stay up!” He leaned up to whisper loudly in Jeonghan’s ear, “They’re so cool.”

Jeonghan kissed his head, he just couldn’t stop kissing his kids these days, they were too cute. “I’m glad you like them, love. Did they tell you that they’re lifeguards?”

As the words left his mouth, Seungkwan lit up like the sky at Hallowe’en, and swivelled around as fast as he could, “Lifeguards?! Hyungs!! Have you saved people? Have you had to dive into the water and grab someone from sharks? What about floats? Have you had to drive out on a speedboat and save someone from the waters? And the currants? Teacher said that currants are dangerous. Teacher says that if you don’t know the water you could _die_. Do you know all the currants? What about the fishies? Do you bump into fishies when you save people? And jumping!! Can you jump into the water from up above like a, like a bird? And-” Seungkwan ran out of air and flopped against Jeonghan’s chest, eyes wide on the couple.

“Take a breath Kwannie,” Jisoo laughed, “We’ve both only worked as lifeguards in swimming pools, so we haven’t had to worry about sharks of fish-”

“But your teacher is right, if you don’t know the water you shouldn’t swim in it, especially not alone. Before we swim in the sea we always look up the currents and things to make sure we’ll be okay.”

“-Yeah. I’ve never been on a speedboat, but I have dived into the pool a few times to help someone out. Cheollie had to use the big life ring once to help a few kids who ended up in the deep end, didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I threw it in, and helped them onto it, it can be really scary, but you have to listen to whoever is trying to help you. Remember what we said, Seungkwan-ah?”

“Stay calm and listen.”

“Exactly.” Seungcheol smiled at him, proud? Fond? Pleased that he remembered. 

Seungkwan nodded, finishing his peach and clearly thinking of new things to ask them. Jeonghan handed him a tissue for the stone and wiped his face. “Appa?”

“Yes, Seungkwannie?”

“Why can’t you swim?” 

Jeonghan felt rather than saw Seungcheol and Jisoo perk up and look at him, waiting for his answer, and smoothed his hand down Seungkwan’s hair. “I never learnt. There wasn’t a pool near me when I was in school, and we just never took lessons.”

Seungkwan nodded, “Can I take lessons?”

“You’ll be doing them with your class when you start back. On Thursdays in the pool around the corner from your school.”

Seungkwan’s mouth dropped open and Jeonghan held back a cackle of glee. He hadn’t told him yet on purpose and oh the reaction was just perfect. He was lost for words, which was always amusing to watch.

Eventually Seungkwan gave up trying to find the words and just stretched his arms wide to hug Jeonghan tightly. “Thank you, Appa.” 

Jeonghan felt glowy, and hugged him back, “You’re welcome, baby.”

After a while the babies woke back up, and Jeonghan reclaimed his, rubbing noses with him and blowing gentle raspberries on his stomach. “Do you want to go back into the pool? Do you?”

“I do, Appa!”

“Well I know that, Seungkwan-ah. Do you think your brother does?”

Seungkwan shuffled over and peered at Minghao’s face, “Yes.”

Jeonghan put Minghao gently into the water, and he turned around floating on his back instinctively. Oh it was amazing, he could watch this all day long-

“Appa, I want to swim.”

“Float for a while instead, love.”

“But I want to go into the deeper water!”

“Seungkwan-ah.”

“But Appa, you can stand in the deeper water.”

“Seungkwan-ah.” Jeonghan wasn’t going to tell him that he was terrified of losing his balance and going under and never coming back up now, was he. Privately he was very proud of himself for sitting in the water in the first place. Yes, he was an adult. Yes, he was scared of drowning. No, he didn’t see an issue with any of that.

“Appa, please?!” Seungkwan was pulling off his waist and Jeonghan tapped his hands.

“Don’t do that, you’ll pull my trunks off. Stand up and look at me.” 

Seungkwan stood, sullenly.

“You’re not allowed to go where I can’t get you. And I can’t go into the deeper water. So you can stay in this end, all the way up to that big red line. Alright?”

“Okay.” Seungkwan pouted and Jeonghan tugged him close to kiss his head.

“I love you, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Okay, Appa.” Seungkwan whined, pulling away to splash through the water.

Jeonghan waded a little further in, Minghao wriggling about beside him. Maybe he would like a swimming class. Didn’t they do Mother and Baby swimming classes at the local pool? He could always investigate it.

“You and I,” Seungcheol said, putting his hands on Jeonghan’s shoulders. Jeonghan jumped, scanning the pool for- oh there he was. “Sorry, sorry. You and I are going to do some floating. Jisoo-ya will take Minghao-ya. I can’t possibly let you leave this pool without being able to float. It would be against my very being.”

Jeonghan turned, Jisoo was just beside them, Hansol on his hip. “Go on, I’ll mind these three.”

“Okay okay, Seungkwan-ah?” Seungkwan came paddling over to them, “Stay in Jisoo-hyung’s view okay? Seungcheol-hyung is going to teach me how to float.”

“Can I watch?”

Jisoo shook his head, “No, you can help me teach the babies a few moves, what about that?”

Seungkwan looked between them, Jeonghan offered a smile, focusing on not freaking out and on the steady beat that Seungcheol was drumming on his shoulders. 

“Okay. Have fun, Appa.” Seungkwan chirped, turning his back to him and kissing Minghao’s nose. Well. That was that sorted.

Seungcheol guided them into a deeper part of the pool, surely able to feel Jeonghan’s rapidly beating heart through his hands on his back, surely able to hear his chattering teeth, surely-

“You’re going to be fine. I’m not going to let anything happen to you. Trust me. You trusted me with Seungkwannie, didn’t you?”

Jeonghan nodded jerkily.

“Trust me with yourself then. Deep breaths.”

Jeonghan sucked in a breath, trying not to look down at the water, even though he was still standing on the ground, albeit barely, “Scared.”

“I know. It’s okay. It’s a really common fear, nothing to be embarrassed about,” Seungcheol’s voice was really steady, “Lean back onto my hands and kick your legs up.”

Jeonghan took some deep breaths, you can do this, you can do this, took a deep breath and pushed up off the floor to lean back onto Seungcheol’s arms. Water got up his nose and he completely panicked, gasping and trying to stand back up-

Arms encircled his waist, “You’re okay, you’re okay, I promise.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and nodded, taking deep breaths, trying to calm his heart, trying to convince his brain that no, he hadn’t just had a brush with death.

“Ready to try again?”

Ready? Jeonghan was never going to be ready. “Yeah, okay.”

Seungcheol took his hands this time, “Okay, just keep your feet on the floor and kinda lean back-”

“Like this?” Jeonghan bent awkwardly backwards.

“Yeah, whoa you’re bendy. Yeah like that.”

“Thanks I do Pilates.” Jeonghan willed the blush away.

“Okay, now, your head is in the water but your face isn’t. You can open your eyes. If you want, you don’t have to.”

“I’ll keep them shut for now.”

“That’s okay. Right. I'm going to let go of your left hand, but I’ll put my hand under your back okay?”

Jeonghan hummed, he didn’t want to nod in case he got water in his nose again.

“Right,” Seungcheol’s hand was splayed out on the centre of his back, “Deep breaths, Jeonghan-ah, you can’t hold your breath the whole time.”

Jeonghan tried, he really tried. But he could only manage tiny snatched ones. Seungcheol brought their joined hands up to Jeonghan’s chest, pressing down lightly.

“Breathe. Please.”

It took a while, but he eventually managed a couple of deep breaths, garnering himself a “Brilliant!! Really well done!” from Seungcheol. He could hear the man’s beaming smile in his voice and smiled despite himself.

“Okay. Can you lift your right leg off the floor and let it float up?”

“Yep.”

“Okay really good! Now the other one.”

Jeonghan managed to open his eyes just to shoot Seungcheol a look for that.

“The minute it’s up I’ll put my other hand under them okay? You won’t sink. You might dip a bit but we’ll deal with that then. Keep breathing and trust me, alright?”

“I am really trying, Seungcheol-ah.”

“I know you are,” the tips of his fingers swirled tiny circles on Jeonghan’s back, “I know you are and you’re doing really well. Come on, let your other leg float up.”

Jeonghan took another deep breath and tensed his core, drawing the other leg up, leaning heavily back into Seungcheol’s palm. His whole middle did in fact dip.

“Really good,” Seungcheol praised, pressing his hand under Jeonghan’s knees, “Okay, can you put your ears into the water? Let your head sink down just a touch more, yeah perfect.”

“Oh, I can still hear you.”

“Yeah. Okay, lift your chin, yeah like that. Okay do you want to fold your hands behind your head? It’ll help-”

“Like a sit up?” 

“Exactly like that.”

Jeonghan exhaled gently and folded them ever so slowly under his head, “Right what’s next?”

“Arch your back slightly and lift your chest.”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow, “This doesn’t sound like floating advice, Seungcheol-ah, what would Jisoo-ya say?”

Seungcheol spluttered, and Jeonghan smirked, self satisfied.

“...Well, well he’d probably say well done for not sinking yet. And for being comfortable enough to mess with my head. And also note that you still did what I asked. Lift your stomach too, just until it’s, yeah like that. Perfect.”

Okay. Jeonghan actually felt pretty good. “Right, why am I still sinking?”

“This is gonna sound really sleazy, but bend your knees a bit and open your legs a touch wider. Let them sort of dangle down in the water, legs are pretty heavy, they don’t totally float. You can sort of kick them a little if you feel your body sink towards your feet, but you should be okay.”

Oh, oh he was floating. “I’m doing it!”

“You are, and you’ve been doing it without my hands for the last while. Relax, don’t tense, breathe, yep, perfect. How do you feel?”

“Very accomplished.”

“Okay stay there, don’t move, Jisoo-ya is calling me. I’ll be back in like five seconds, keep breathing, kick your feet if you start to sink or like raise your chest a tad.”

“Okay.” Jeonghan looked up at the sky, eyes following an airoplane trail, he could do this.

Jisoo popped his head into Jeonghan’s view seconds before his head bumped into Jisoo’s chest. “Hey. We swapped. You’re doing so well! Do you want to start from standing again? Without help this time?”

Jeonghan nodded and dropped his feed down to stand. “I’m sort of in the same state of amazement that is Minghao not screaming.”

Jisoo laughed, “See!! The water is fun!”

“Super relaxing anyway. Okay, let’s see if I can do this myself.”

“I’m sure you can.”

“I did it!”

Laughing, Jisoo nodded and touched his elbow, “I knew you could, really well done.”

Jeonghan was walking on air for the rest of the day, little things make you inordinately happy. He was on dinner duty, and whipped up a quick set of chili bowls; fresh salad and shaped tortillas, one of his favourite quick meals.

The kids were exhausted, and while Minghao screamed his way through a bath, him and Seungkwan fell asleep the moment he put them both down, creeping out of their room on his tiptoes to see Seungcheol doing the exact same thing out of Hansol’s room. They tried not to meet each other’s eyes until they were back downstairs, and then promptly burst into laughter.

Jisoo had the next episode of Defenders queued, and was folded into the armchair with a large glass of wine. Jeonghan dropped into the corner of the couch, careful not to spill his iced tea, and tried not to be judgy. It was a Tuesday. 

“Seungcheol, don’t look at me like that. I’m on holiday and it’s one glass.” Jisoo snapped, apparently Seungcheol’s face was judgy too. Jeonghan folded more into himself, he did not want to watch them argue, he really didn’t want to hear them argue-

“I didn’t say anything. You’re entitled to a glass of wine.” Seungcheol soothed, circling behind Jisoo’s chair to kiss his shoulder.

“I won’t have one tomorrow, alright?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Jeonghan forced himself to relax, they were both fine, nobody was in trouble, breath you idiot, focus on the TV, they don’t need to deal with your panic. Do what Isidore said, breath in a square and think of a safe place. Think of how Minghao smells just after you change him, of Seungkwan’s hugs, a cup of tea. Breathe. You’re okay. They’re okay. Nobody is mad. Nobody is mad _at you_.

Breathe.

Okay, yeah this wasn’t working. Jeonghan stood shakily and put his glass on the counter, managing a “Back in a second” and darting off to the bathroom. He fumbled in the cabinet for the rescue remedy and dropped several drops onto his tongue, putting it away and sitting down on the floor, knees to his chest. 

Breathe in. And out. And in. And out. And in.

And out.

And in.

  
  


And out.

  
  
  


And in.

  
  
  


And out.

  
  


Jeonghan stood up and washed his hands, staring at himself in the mirror. “You can do this.”

“We paused it for you-”

“Are you okay?”

They both looked up as he came back in and Jeonghan nodded, put on a smile and tucked himself back into the couch, tugging the throw off the back of it and wrapping it around himself. “Thanks, I’m fine.”

They didn’t look quite like they believed him, but they didn’t push. Just pressed play, and chattered away happily until eventually Jeonghan relaxed enough to chime in.

He must have fallen asleep, swimming was tiring, because the next moment there were whispers over his head.

“Should we wake him?”

“I can probably carry him, you can definitely carry him-”

“Yes, but should we?”

“Maybe not? Don’t want to freak him out Shua-”

Jeonghan stirred, “‘m awake, awake.”

Someone fluttered their hand through his hair once before pulling back. Jeonghan sat up slowly. “Didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Cheol-ah fell asleep too, I paused it so we can finish it tomorrow. Up to bed with you, go on.” Jisoo leaned to steady him when he wobbled slightly.

Jeonghan hummed and barely stopped himself automatically leaning in, for what he wasn’t quite sure. “Good night, sleep well.” He grabbed the baby monitor and shuffled off to the stairs, yawning into his hand every few steps. Mmmm sleep.

  
  


Wednesday and Thursday were just chill. They made up picnics and took them down to the local park, chilling in the grass and going to the playground. Jeonghan spent hours reading stories to Seungkwan and Minghao, playing games with them, napping with them, feeling the air and distance from home pull the stress out of him. The weather held out too, nice and sunny, warm and just perfect weather for doing nothing but lazing around on picnic blankets and reading books. He got his bath too, heading up on Thursday evening after they put the kids to sleep, Seungcheol prying the monitor out of his hands and promising to give it back later. He’d spent two hours in the bath, a podcast on and his mind empty, before getting out. He’d pampered himself with a body lotion, plaited his hair and pulled on one of the light summer night cloaky dressy things he’d packed. Jisoo had just raised an eyebrow but handed him the monitor with a ‘Nice bath?’ Jeonghan had beamed, leaning against the fridge and flicking on the kettle, floppy and relaxed.

  
  


Seungcheol had really wanted to go on a boat trip of the river, and there was a really cute one called Moon River Cruises that had traditional music on board and took about an hour. So they rocked up on Friday afternoon just in time to make the last sailing.

It was really bright and airy, they had a table in the corner, Jeonghan ordered a mocha and juice for Seungkwan. Seungkwan kept going up to stand in front of the musicians and sort of wiggle. It was potentially the most adorable thing. Jeonghan had so many videos. 

“-and I don’t really want to tell Eomma that we won’t be able to afford a trip home for a few years. I’d love her to come visit? She went to visit Noona when she had her baby, “well you can’t expect her to fly halfway around the world to visit me Shua-ya!” but she won’t come to visit us, just because I didn’t birth him, it shouldn’t make any difference.” Jisoo complained quietly and Jeonghan frowned in sympathy.

“It shouldn’t. And flying with a baby that young wouldn’t be fun. We did it with Seungkwan. Never again. It’s just so stressful, and being a gay couple on top of the usual baby flying hell, we got stopped so many times and questioned about whose baby it was, why we had him, where the mother was. It was really really awful.” 

Jisoo looked shocked, “I hadn’t even thought of that?”

“Have you rung your eomma to explain?”

“I’m sort of dreading it. She was at our wedding, it’s not that she doesn’t accept me or us, it’s just I think, I don’t know. Having to admit that we don’t make enough to fly home-”

“But you just bought a house, Jisoo-ya.”

“I know,” Jisoo huffed, “I know, I know, believe me I know. I just, maybe she’d think that if I married a girl we wouldn’t have had the adoption fees or that my job would earn more, and she’d be paid maternity leave, or something-”

“You’re overthinking, I think. And hospital fees would probably come close to adoption fees. And all the prenatal appointments, you know that?”

“I do, I do. I just, I worry.” Jisoo pressed his face into Hansol’s hair with a sigh, and Jeonghan reached out to rub his shoulder.

“It’ll be okay. You never know, she might surprise you.”

Jisoo sighed and unfolded, picking up his latte and taking a sip. “Yeah. You’re right. I should just ring her. When we go home. Maybe.”

“Well, this will distract you, look there’s a whole family of swans! Look Minghao-ya, there’s the swans, and the cygnets. Really graceful birds. They mate for life. And like a quarter of them are gay male pairs. Isn’t that mad?”

Jisoo raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

“Yeah, they chase the females away from a nest and raise the chicks. We saw it on an Attenborough, didn’t we? Well. On a critique of Attenborough.” Jeonghan corrected himself wryly, Attenborough had been slated for ignoring the gay animals, but what matter, not like the media didn’t do it for humans.

Jisoo was halfway through a question when he stopped, pale, and deposited Hansol onto Jeonghan’s lap. He dashed off to the bathroom. Jeonghan wrapped his arm around the two boys and looked for Seungkwan. He must be out on deck with Seungcheol. Hopefully Jisoo was okay. Seasick, perhaps?

Hansol patted Jeonghan’s hands, “Papa?”

“Your Papa will be back in a second love. You’ve got me for now, I’m afraid.”

“Papa?”

“No love,” Jeonghan bounced them both slightly, “Listen to the music, do you like it?

“Dada?” Hansol twisted to look at Jeonghan’s face, eyes wide and chin about to wobble. Of all times to make strange, now was not it.

“No sweetie, he’s on deck with your hyung. Just me for now, I’m afraid. You’re okay,” Jeonghan hitched him up onto his shoulder, rubbing his back and pressing his cheek to his, “Hyung has you.”

Hansol mouthed at Jeonghan’s shirt, chewing on it, but otherwise happy. Crisis averted.

Or not. “No, Minghao-ya. You can’t eat that. That’s your shoe,” Minghao threw his shoe off. “Oh, well. I suppose you can eat your foot.” 

Seungkwan came twirling back down the boat, plopping down beside Jeonghan with a quiet, matter-of-fact, “Cheol-hyung is getting sick.”

“He’s what?” Did they not take sea sickness tablets? Why did they want to go on a cruise if they both got sea sick?

“The lady had to give him a bag cause he was gonna get sick into the water.”

“Is he still outside?”

“Yeah,” Seungkwan nodded, “Really sick.”

“Oh. That’s not good, is it? Stay here with me for a while, okay?”

“Yeah, it smells. But I saw a big fish! And swans! And ducklings, and a pelican thing, and lots of other birds, and the singer said there used to be giant turtles here, do you think we’ll see giant turtles?”

Jeonghan moved Minghao so that he was between Seungkwan and himself, and pushed Seungkwan’s hair out of his face, “No love, I don’t think so. It would be cool though wouldn’t it?”

“Really cool.”

Yes he took a selfie, because he was covered in kids and it was bound to look cute, but then the waitress appeared and said, “Do you want me to take a picture? You really have your hands full, don’t you!”

“Oh please that would be lovely. One of them is actually my friends’, but they’re both getting sick-” he cut himself off to smile for the one two three flashes, “-so I am a baby wrangler. Thank you.”

“No problem. Do you want another coffee?”

“Could I get a tea, actually? And some water please?”

She gathered up the cups, nodding, “No problem at all, they’ll be right down, Sir.”

Seungcheol reappeared before Jisoo, sinking into the couch, pale as paper. 

“Here, I got water for you two, drink a glass, you’ll feel better. And there are travel sickness tablets and dry crackers in my bag.”

Seungcheol downed the glass of water and smiled at him, well he tried, “You’re an angel. Thanks.”

By the time Jisoo came back, equally washed out, they were nearly docking. Jeonghan motioned at the water and the packet of travel sickness tablets. He collapsed into the couch beside Seungcheol and leaning against him, obediently took the medication and the water. 

“Why did you want to take a boat trip if you both get travel sick?” Jeonghan asked as they stepped off the boat, Minghao in Seungcheol’s arms. Hansol wouldn’t let go of Jeonghan. 

“It’s pretty and we saw pictures online, and it was fun! Mostly!” 

Jeonghan laughed and shook his head. 

  
  


When Jeonghan woke up to the sound of Minghao’s happy morning gurgles, he was surprised. The kids hadn’t both slept solidly through the night since May. He shrugged on his dressing gown and padded into their room. No kids.

Right. That was weird, he could hear-

He padded into Hansol’s room, there he was, in his crib, standing up and pouting at the doorway. Jeonghan put the monitor down with a slow sense of growing dread. “Hey little man, did you sleep well?”

Hansol babbled happily in response, so Jeonghan took that as a yes. “Good morning to you too! Let’s get you changed and go see where everyone else is, shall we?”

Hansol kicked a little, but gripped onto the little elephant teddy that Jeonghan handed him tightly. “Is that your friend? What’s their name? Is it Ellie? Or… Lele? What about Stompy? Or Grey? Gandalf the Grey?” Jeonghan murmured quietly as he changed him and dressed him in a new onesie. 

“Appa?” Hansol screeched as Jeonghan picked him up and cuddled him close.

“I don’t know, let’s go find them shall we?”

The other four were in the living room. Asleep. Seungkwan was pressed between Jisoo and the couch, and Minghao was asleep on Seungcheol’s chest. Jeonghan bit his lip. Oops?

He should feel worse about this, they were going to be so exhausted. But they just looked so cute. He took several photos.

“Will we make coffee for your appas? I think we will. Maybe we’ll find you a bottle while we’re at it, hm?” Jeonghan asked Hansol quietly, creeping into the kitchen and closing the door gently behind him.

He put the coffee on and mixed a bottle, narrating everything to Hansol, and unlike with Minghao, getting a full stream of chatty babbles in response. It was nice to know the techniques actually worked. 

By the time the smell of the coffee roused Seungcheol and Jisoo, Hansol was finished with his bottle, cuddled to Jeonghan’s chest happily. He had one hand twisted in Jeonghan’s hair and the other in his mouth. Utterly adorable.

“Hey,” Jisoo blinked blearily from the door frame, “What time is it?”

“Around nine. Sorry about the monitors, you should have woke me up.”

“I was going to, but Seungcheol pouted at me, and Minghao just fell asleep in my arms. I just, we didn’t have the heart.”

“I made coffee,” Jeonghan offered with a smile, heart full to bursting yet again, “And put some of those croissants in the oven if you want to grab one, they should be done.”

“Oh,” Jisoo hummed, “oh Seungcheol was right, you are an angel.”

 _Seungcheol was right?_ Jeonghan, control the brain. Please. He smiled, and tugged a strand of hair out of Hansol’s mouth carefully.

“Oh you changed him too?”

“You did wake up in the middle of the night and calm my two. Let’s not compare-”

“No, no, I wasn’t. Promise. I’m still asleep, ignore my ramblings, Seungcheollie says I speak too purely before I have coffee.” Jisoo spoke into his mug, and Jeonghan nodded, coffee was a wonder drug.

Seungcheol went straight for the coffee, pouring a cup and taking several gulps before even properly opening his eyes. “Morning.”

“Morning!” Jeonghan hummed, smiling as Hansol tried to join in with a “Dadadada!!” of glee.

“See, I told you he loves you more.” Jisoo nudged his way under Seungcheol’s arm, pressing against him like a cat until Seungcheol hugged him.

“He can’t say Papa yet, that’s not my fault.”

“Really? He said it yesterday.”

“What?” Jisoo turned to look at him incredulously.

“Yeah, when you went to get sick he asked for you twice before asking for his Dada. I’m sure I’ve heard him say it before though?”

They shook their heads, “Not on it’s own. Oh baby!! Papa is so proud of you!” Jisoo came over to pluck Hansol off Jeonghan’s chest, holding him up high to rub noses and breathe him in. Jeonghan slipped out of his chair to go get his own loves.

He knelt down beside Seungkwan, carding his hand through his hair, he was conked out. He could sleep for a little while longer, who knew how long they’d been up for. There had been mugs in the sink, it had probably been around an hour. He pulled the blanket a little higher on his shoulders and went to pick Minghao up from the veritable fortress of pillows he’d been carefully fenced into.

“How’s my tiny elf this morning?” Minghao blinked at him, wide eyes and sleepy smiles, “Did you wake up your hyungs? You did? Hm. What was wrong with you?” He patted his bum, time for a change. “Let’s get you all clean and smart, hm?”

Laying Minghao on the changing table, Jeonghan handed him the velvety frog teddy that he normally loved, but he threw it away, tiny hands grasping for Jeonghan’s hair. “What is it sweetie? Do you want a kiss?” Jeonghan peppered butterfly kisses all over his face, Minghao grabbed his nose. “I’ll cuddle you properly in a second love, just let me get you into a clean nappy. Two shakes of a lamb’s tail, I promise.”

Jeonghan pulled back, changing him quickly, getting a kick to the wrist and a small cry, tears rolling down Minghao’s face in response. He did up the poppers on his onesie and pressed him against his chest, swaying gently and rubbing his back. “What is it? Hungry? I think you’re hungry. Let’s get you something to eat, hm?”

Halting momentarily in the doorway of the kitchen, Seungcheol and Jisoo were lip-locked, Hansol caught between them, Jeonghan cooed to Minghao quietly, something inane about milk. They pulled apart slowly, Jisoo nuzzling back into Seungcheol’s side sleepily. He went over to prepare a bottle, reaching past the couple for the tin of formula and going through the motions one handed, cooing at Minghao and bouncing him.

“Thanks for-”

“You’re welcome. Seungkwan was clingy and we were already awake, it didn’t seem right to wake you,” Seungcheol cut him off, “Nightmare I think?”

Jeonghan nodded with a sigh, “Yeah, he gets them a lot at the moment. So does Minghao. They used to be brilliant sleepers. Something had to give I guess. Were you up long?”

“About an hour. He misses his Dad?”

Jeonghan curled slightly in on himself, “Yeah. I know. I don’t know how to tell him that his other father couldn’t care less and,” he put a hand over Minghao’s ear, “explicitly doesn’t want to see them. Or as he put it in a letter to my solicitor, the brats, ever again.” Jeonghan knew he sounded bitter. He was bitter. They’d adopted these children together. Had promised to love and cherish and protect them _together_ , **_forever_ **. And he’d gone and gotten himself thrown in jail for 18 months because he hurt him.

Jisoo and Seungcheol’s faces went flat. 

“I know. On the up side? I get uncontested full custody? And we think I’ll get the house.”

“That’s...good I suppose, but it’s just awful.”

Jeonghan drew in a breath and held it, exhaling slowly and taking the empty bottle off Minghao, “Yeah. It’s pretty shitty. But it is what it is, right?”

“Oh,” Jisoo turned around from the counter, “For tonight, for the meal, I found a few babysitters if we feel comfortable enough to leave the kids with them? There’s a parent group in the area on Facebook I asked for recommendations. There’s a girl, well she’s 21, called Sarah, she is well recommended, or Laura the Montessori college student. Henry the engineering student or Kyle the 18 year old who is really popular with like four families in the area?”

“Maybe see who’s free? It’s pretty last minute?” Jeonghan said and Seungcheol nodded.

“Yeah, maybe only one will be free and if they’re all well reviewed?”

“Fair. Okay. I’ll ring around.”

They ended up with Laura the Montessori student, a bubbly redhead, who seemed pretty competent. Seungkwan took a shine to her immediately. Jeonghan ran through a quick sketch of their bedtimes before handing her a handwritten list and pointing her towards the kitchen for anything she needed.

“My friends will be down in a second, the other baby is theirs. Do you mind if I run up to finish changing?” 

“Not at all! Go ahead, we’ll be okay here won’t we, Seungkwan?” She smiled, waving him off.

He nodded rapidly and Jeonghan pressed his lips together to keep the smile at bay. Jeonghan nodded and hurried up the stairs. He fussed for five seconds between jeans or check fitted trousers and reasoned that it was hot. Fitted trousers would be cooler.

He tucked the shirt in and combed his hair, putting it up and out of his way and dragging a mascara wand through his lashes. Right. That was … probably enough for a birthday dinner. Right? His eyes kept sticking on the powder and lip glosses. Jisoo and Seungcheol didn’t wear makeup, he didn’t want to stand out. But he liked powder. 

Screw it.

Phone. Wallet. Keys.

The restaurant was cute, moderately busy, but well staffed and the lighting was bright enough to see things but low enough that it felt like a fancy night out. Jeonghan _had_ offered to mind the kids and let the couple go out for a birthday dinner, but Seungcheol had insisted. Had said “Well we haven’t had a night out with you and I think it would be really fun.” So. Well. Here they were.

They’d walked. So they all ordered a small aperitif, it was that type of restaurant, and settled into the plush armchairs. There was light jazz on over the speakers and a gentle murmur of chatter from the neighbouring tables.

Over dinner, delicious spiced hake for Jeonghan. Jisoo had the lamb and Seungcheol the steak, they chatted about everything. There was an unspoken decision to avoid the topics of the kids and Jeonghan’s ex pushing them to things they’d never talked about. Sports, Jisoo’s hatred of everything that involved teams or movement unless it was swimming or running and the fact that Jeonghan and Seungcheol had both been those sporty kids in school, the ones on three teams and medals to spare. Music, Seungcheol’s fascination for indie French bands, Jisoo’s KPop girl group obsession and Jeonghan’s listen to anything agenda. Animals, how Jeonghan had had a pet hamster for a year in primary but it had ‘ran away’ and how he half wanted a cat. Seungcheol wanted a dog. His family had tiny white fluffy rat dogs and he wanted one but Jisoo just huffed. ‘Not in my house.’ 

The topics meandered around until, during a lull, Jisoo tentatively commented on Jeonghan’s makeup. Nothing overtly disapproving, but just a quiet, “Your eyelashes look so long, it’s really pretty. What did you do?”

“Just mascara. Thanks,” Jeonghan touched his cheek absently, ignoring the tiny wince as Seungcheol presumably stomped on Jisoo’s foot. “Nothing like Seungcheol’s eyelashes though. What are they, fake?”

“No! They’re real I swear! Just blessed!” Seungcheol perched his head on his hands and batted his eyelashes like a makeup model, “What do you think should I go into modelling?”

“I don’t know,” Jisoo hummed, “Do you have the patience to pose all day long?”

Seungcheol huffed, “I have patience!”

“No you don’t.”

“I do!!”

“You really don’t.”

“I doo~” Seungcheol was full on whining now, nobody would guess he was turning 33 in two hours.

“You don’t. You don’t have any patience sweet cheeks, you really don’t.”

Jeonghan burst into giggles, hiding behind the dessert menu as they just flooded out of him.

“Look what you’ve done!” Jisoo laughed and Seungcheol huffed silent for a second before breaking into laughter.

It was cathartic. Laughter is unreal. 

Jeonghan lowered the menu, giggled at bay, only to catch sight of Jisoo, lips pressed together and turning slightly red. He was clearly trying to hold back, and Jeonghan lost it, pressing his head onto the table and shaking with laughter.

The waitress hovered by their table for a second before moving on, they were all collapsed in giggles, she wasn’t going to get anything coherent out of them.

Eventually, the laughing fit passed and they picked desserts, and ordered teas, Seungcheol got a hot chocolate, really adding to the I’m Turning 33 vibe of the evening. 

Jeonghan dipped into his jacket pocket for an envelope, handing it to Seungcheol with a “Happy Birthday, Seungcheol-ah. Or I suppose, Seungcheol-hyung for the next two months?”

Seungcheol blushed firetruck red and shook his head, “Nonononono, let’s not, Seungcheol-ah is fine, fine, very fine-”

“Hey, how come you’ve never offered to call me hyung? I’m older than both of you!” Jisoo put his hand against his heart, mock offended and Seungcheol whacked him on the chest.

“You didn’t have to! Please don’t!”

Jeonghan just raised an eyebrow.

“Thank you.”

“Offended.”

“You’re welcome.” They both ignored Jisoo.

They walked home slowly, pausing at every pretty bridge to take photos of the water and each other, eventually getting home.

Jeonghan waved the other two off, and chatted to Laura quietly about how the kids had been, and then paid her, thanking her for the late notice. He made a cup of tea and checked in on the kids. His first, both asleep, and then Hansol, also asleep. He took the two monitors. By the sounds of things, Jeonghan raised an eyebrow, they wouldn’t be bringing theirs in.

He smothered a smile, heading into the bathroom to take off his makeup quickly, and then into his pyjamas, slipping earbuds in and putting on some music. They’d either forgotten where they were, didn’t care, or hadn’t realised how thin the walls were. And he didn’t really feel like telling them. He just pulled out his book, propped himself up on the pillows and flicked to where he’d left off. Ignoring what noise bled through the earbuds with amusement.

Minghao woke him up at 4 am and again at 9.15 am, and so Jeonghan was sipping tea in the kitchen, Minghao sucking happily on a bottle, when Jisoo came down the next morning, hand on his back and arm across his forehead. 

Jeonghan smirked.

“Have fun last night?”

Jisoo stopped, hand halfway to the cabinet for a mug, and turned around slowly. His eyes widened, mouth dropping open. “Please tell me you didn’t hear anything.”

“I put earphones in but the walls are thin. Don’t worry about it.”

Jisoo blushed red, muttering under his breath, something about too smug little boys and how some people should learn to hold their tongue.

Seungcheol came in a second later and Jeonghan had to actually turn away, press his face to Minghao’s head in order not to say what was on the tip of his tongue. My God. Please. Tops. Close them. Why? He did not need to see all that, all that biting that had clearly gone on, good Christ.

“Morning?” Seungcheol sounded sheepish and Jeonghan chanced a look, covered. Safe. 

“Morning! Sleep well?” He was trying, he was really trying, but it was too fun.

Seungcheol looked literally everywhere but at Jeonghan, Jisoo was hiding in his back.

Jeonghan broke, he cackled. Shoulders shaking, cackling like a Disney villain, Minghao laughing at him. He closed his eyes, “I’m sorry, your faces-” tears rolling down his cheeks. He fanned himself and took a sip of tea. “I’m sorry. I had music on you’re fine, relax, I wasn’t ear-wigging, I just couldn’t resist.”

Jisoo whipped the tea towel at him with a grumble and Jeonghan wiped his tears, shaking his head.

They went to the aquarium later that day, just Jeonghan and his boys. Seungkwan stopped at every single information sheet to sound out the words carefully, turning to Jeonghan for help on long ones. Minghao was mesmerised by all of the fish, leaning forwards in his buggy to press his hands against the glass of the ray tank. Jeonghan took so many photos. 

They piled into the café afterwards, Jeonghan wincing at the prices, but it was raining and he hadn’t brought a packed lunch. Well. Minghao always had a packed lunch. 

They got toasted sandwiches, an orange juice for Seungkwan and a tea for Jeonghan. Seungkwan talked a mile a minute, “Can I please get a fish, Appa?” Going back over every single fact he’d learnt, “hag fish are inde- indestructible Appa!” and all the colours, “so pretty” and maybe Hansollie would like a fluffy fish? “Appa please?”

Jeonghan distracted him with one of the flyers about fish families. They were going home tomorrow. And as much as this week had been amazing, Jeonghan knew it had to end. He had to build his walls back up. That meant not leaning into whoever was sharing the couch with him while they watched TV, keeping his eyes to appropriate places, and preparing Seungkwan for the fact that he was going home without his hyungs.

“Seungkwan-ah?” Jeonghan broached the subject in the car, “We’re going home tomorrow remember?”

“I know, Appa.”

“Do you remember what that means?”

“Just you and Minghao-ya. No kisses from hyungs. And no playing with Hansollie.” Seungkwan was sullen. Relatable.

“Well, you’ll still see them sometimes.”

“But not in the mornings? Seungcheol-hyung is good at hugs.”

“I know he is, love. You can ask him for a hug whenever you see him, is that okay?”

“Yes, Appa.”

Right. That would have to do.

  
  


The drive home wasn’t half as fraught with disaster as the drive down. They stopped once for a toilet break, but the kids were sleepy and worn out, and mostly slept for the journey. They arrived home an hour before the shopping that Jeonghan had ordered, and when he went out to bring it in, the yellow car was back in the drive across the road.

All good things must end.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Seungkwan went back to school on the 2nd of September, and Jeonghan changed his work schedule to have a full day on Monday and Thursday. Seungkwan would be in swimming lessons on Thursday afternoons, so he’d finish at 3 instead of 2.30, and the school had an after school club. So he could pick him up at 5.30 on Mondays and Thursdays. Which was great, because the divorce still wasn’t settled, and even when it was, currently his husband only wanted to pay for 50% of schooling fees up until their 18ths. He’d spoken to Mingyu about Wednesdays, and he was delighted to mind them. He’d just graduated university, and as a photographer, any little help was brilliant. The only issue was Minghao. For this week, Mingyu was going to collect him on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. But that wasn’t going to work out long term. 

Jeonghan pondered this all day, when he was munching on his sandwich on a park bench with Seungcheol, when he was chasing down receipts and sending stern emails to the employees, when he left to collect Seungkwan and then Minghao. While he made dinner. When he put the kids to bed.

And then he got a phone call from Jisoo. 

_“Jeonghan-ah, sorry to call so late, but the creche you send Minghao-ya to, do they mind him full time? And how much does it cost? Ours only does half days, and I need to go back at least two days a week.”_

“Jisoo-ya, calm down. Take a breath. No, mine doesn’t do full days. I’m in the same situation. Currently Mingyu-ya is minding Minghao on my full days, but it’s not really sustainable. At least there’s the after school club for Seungkwan.” Jeonghan pinned the phone on his shoulder and started folding the laundry.

_“What are your full days?”_

“Monday and Thursday, why? What are you thinking?” 

_“I can choose mine, I was going for Tuesday and Thursday, but I could do Tuesday and Friday? And then on Monday and Thursday I could mind Minghao if you mind Hansol on Tuesday and Fridays?”_

Jeonghan folded a few towels. That could work. “That could work?”

 _“Could we try it? I really don’t know what else to do. Chan-ah, our babysitter, can only do evenings, Jeonghan-ah we don’t know what else to do-”_ Joshua was choking up and Jeonghan instinctively made soothing noises in his throat as if he was Minghao.

“Don’t worry like that Jisoo-ya, don’t worry, take a breath. Where’s Seungcheol-ah?”

 _“Upstairs, with Hansollie,-”_ Jisoo cut himself off in a sob.

“Okay, don’t cry, don’t cry. We can try it Soo-ya, we can try. Okay?”

_“Thank you thank you thank you!”_

“Okay, look. Give your creche my details when you drop him off tomorrow morning, and we can talk when you get back from work. Okay?”

_“Okay, thank you so much Jeonghan-ah!!”_

Jeonghan picked Hansol up the next afternoon to the happy squeal of “Hanna!!” and the child care worker’s smile.

“Jisoo said you’d be collecting him, you’re Jeonghan Yoon, correct?” The woman took out a clipboard and pen.

“That’s me. Was he okay?” Jeonghan took the pen and signed in the required space. Hansol crawled over to him and pulled himself by Jeonghan’s leg, teddy tightly gripped in his hand.

The woman gestured at another assistant to get Hansol’s things. “He was really good. He’s teething a little more today, we gave him a frozen banana pulp gummer, but you might want to put a touch of Bonjela on it or something. Other than that, he’s good. Ate his lunch and his snacks, he’s just up from his second nap. And you’re good to go. Bye bye Hansol!”

Jeonghan knelt to pick him up and grabbed the bag, “Thanks. Bye, say bye Hansollie.” He waved, shyly. That was enough.

Jisoo rushed over at a quarter to six, looking like he’d literally just parked the car and dashed. Jeonghan met him at the door and drew him into a hug before he could even open his mouth. 

“Take a breath. Hansol is fine. You need to calm down, you’re going to upset him.”

“I just feel like a crap parent.” Jisoo whispered and Jeonghan hugged him tighter.

“You’re not. You’re not. Don’t think that. Come in and have a cup of tea, and we can chat, alright? Look, Hansol is nearly one right?”

“Two weeks.”

“And he’s hit all his milestones?” Jeonghan closed the door and ushered him into the kitchen.

“Yeah.”

“He’s chatty and vivacious and playful. He sleeps well and he’s a generally happy child. Where do you think you’ve gone wrong?” Jeonghan put the kettle on and popped his head into the sitting room to check on the kids. Seungkwan was playing peekaboo with Hansol while Minghao stacked blocks, face slowly turning red with frustration. 

Jisoo put his head in his hands, “I don’t know, I just feel like I’m failing him. Being in work longer, spending less time with him, I feel guilty.”

Minghao started to scream and Jeonghan went to grab him, hitching him up on his hip and kissing his hair. “Shush love, it’s okay. Do you want to keep your hyung company for a bit? Give him a cuddle?”

Minghao sniffled and hid his head in Jeonghan’s neck. Jeonghan handed him to Jisoo with a smile. “You can comfort each other while I make tea. Jisoo-ya? Do you think Seungcheol feels as guilty?”

“No.”

“But he spends less time with Hansol, no?”

“Yeah but he always has, that’s something we dealt with back when we adopted him. We knew one of us had to work full time, and his job earnt more. So it made sense?”

Jeonghan set a cup of tea down in front of Jisoo and sat opposite him. “I’m not questioning that. But you’re still spending three half days with him, and every evening, and all weekend. Plus, he’s one now. It’s good for him to socialise more and get used to being without you.”

Jisoo bounced Minghao gently, pulling his lanyard out of his mouth, “Not for babies, Minghao. Yeah, I just, I feel guilty.”

“That’s natural though. You’re away from him more, it’s only natural that you feel guilty and miss him and worry that you’ll miss his first steps or his first sentence. When I went back to work after Seungkwan, I was really upset, seriously upset for weeks. Probably mildly depressed now that I think of it. But it passed. This will pass. I promise it will. And until it does, I’ll keep telling you that you’re doing well, and I’m sure Seungcheol-ah will too. Okay?”

Jisoo nodded, “You’re sure?”

“Of course I’m sure. And this minding schedule we have going will help the two of us, right? You’ll get extra baby practice every time you mind Minghao.” Jeonghan teased gently, watching for Jisoo’s reactions. He just smiled, and hugged Minghao tighter. Jeonghan relaxed. He was still getting used to being able to joke freely.

By the time Jisoo and Hansol left, Jeonghan was convinced he’d managed to reassure him. But he still sent a quick text off to Seungcheol, reminding him to tell Jisoo he was a great father. Because being friends meant being doubly sure that they were okay.

  
  
  


“Do you think I’m becoming too reliant on my neighbours?” Jeonghan asked once they’d both settled into their chairs with mugs of tea.

Isidore sat back, “Do you think you are?”

“I think I should think I am.”

“Well you know what I said about that. You need to trust your own feelings, Jeonghan. You need to be a little more confident in how you feel, but that will come. Why do you think you should think that?”

Jeonghan huffed. “Back in April, they were the only people I could turn to. And I suppose that was ok?”

Isidore nodded.

“Because it helped me to feel confident enough to question, at least in my own head, to question what was going on. And they’ve been so helpful, with emotional support, and the whole dress thing, and even in the hospital, they just hugged me and let me cry. Never made it.. Weird. And you know all about the holiday. I feel like I’m, I don’t know, intruding? We see so much of each other is it healthy? For a married couple I mean?” Jeonghan finally voiced what was itching at him, “Is it okay for a couple to be that close to someone?”

“As long as there are healthy boundaries, most things are okay, Jeonghan. We talked about that. Why do you think it’s wrong for a couple to be close to someone?” Isidore asked and Jeonghan shot them a look. Always with the whys this doctor.

“Just, they’re touchy. And I know,” Jeonghan held up a hand, “I know there’s nothing wrong with that and quite frankly it makes me feel safe and comfortable and I don’t even know, loved? My friends have always been touchy. But, but Isidore, they’re _married_. Surely it’s wrong? I know my husband would have never touched someone else the way he touched me, we only danced with each other because the embrace was intimate, I don’t understand?”

Isidore was gentle when they said, “Maybe the way you and your husband were is the odd way. I’m not saying it is. I’m not saying you did anything wrong or that you weren’t in love completely and utterly. I am suggesting that he was a little possessive? Would that sound right?”

Reluctantly, Jeonghan nodded his head. He had been. Had always been heavy possessive hands on Jeonghan’s waist, back, hips. Had taken up most of Jeonghan’s free time. Had called him ‘mine’ as a pet name for years. “Maybe.”

“Okay. And Jisoo and Seungcheol, they’re not inappropriate?”

“No, just, just tactile. Hugs mostly. Or hands on my shoulder if they need to, I don’t know, show me something? Reassure me? And they always ask. Always always ask. And they both do it, and they do it when they’re both around, it’s not like they’re hiding it. I just, is it wrong to want it?”

“No, Jeonghan it’s not wrong to want touch. It’s healthy. You know how skin contact helps babies to develop and grow? Why should those benefits disappear when you’re an adult?”

They had a point. “So it’s not wrong to touch them. But is it, am I leaning too heavily on them? We babysit each other’s kids twice a week now, and it works out well for both of us, neither of our creches do evenings but I’m scared?” Jeonghan shrugged, “Worried? I don’t want to, they’re not my spouses.”

“No they’re not. But they rely on you too? It’s not just one way?”

“No, it’s, it goes both ways.” Jisoo and Seungcheol were always sharing their worries and concerns with him, about parenting about work, about life. It was nice to help. And to hear.

“Well then as long as you’re aware of the fact that it could go dependant, there’s no issue. I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

“Okay. Great. Thanks.” Jeonghan took a long sip of tea, a weight off his shoulders.

“But since you talked about contact and support systems and friends, how do you feel about opening your social media accounts back up?” Isidore beamed in the face of Jeonghan’s distress, “You mentioned that you’d deleted the apps from your phone when Seungkwan was little. I think they’d be helpful for you to reconnect with people.” 

Jeonghan paused to think. “Do you think people will care?”

“Only one way to find out, hm?”

“That’s true,” He used to have so many friends. And now. Well. Now he had the Hong-Chois, and his neighbours. And Mingyu he supposed, he'd been a godsend. But hadn’t Seokmin sent a letter? “Seokmin sent a letter a while back.”

Isidore raised an eyebrow, “Really?”

“He tore it up, and binned it. But he sent tickets to his musical,” Jeonghan settled into his chair, “Seokmin is an actor.”

“Do you want to contact him?”

"He's bad for me."

"Jeonghan-ah. Think about that statement." Isidore was mildly disapproving, they were always mildly disproving when Jeonghan said things like that.

Jeonghan sighed and went over the question. Did he want to reconnect with his college best friend? And if not, why not. His husband had always said he was bad for him. But Seokmin couldn't hurt a fly. In fact, he often picked flies up and brought them outside. Why did he say he was bad for him? 

"He said, Seokmin-ah I mean, once, a month or two after Seungkwannie turned one, he said that he wished I'd married a nicer man. He was Seungkwan-ah's godfather, so much as a gay couple can have a godfather in the Catholic tradition. And then after Seungkwan turned two I never heard from him again. I was upset I think. That year was stressful. I wanted to go back to work, cause all the other parents in my office were doing it, and we had just reconnected with my Mother. Seungkwan-ah was a difficult two year old, and all the mother and baby groups were strictly female. I suppose it just added to the stress I was already feeling and I didn't really question it."

“Did your husband like your friends?”

“No.” He really hadn’t. He’d sort of put up with them for a while, had hated that Soonyoung was Jeonghan’s ex, had hated that Jun was so Jun and had hated that Seokmin was, well Jeonghan had no idea why he’d hated Seokmin.

Isidore nodded, “When did you fall out of contact with them?”

“Jun runs a strip club,” Isidore’s eyes widened, “Soonyoung was going pro in his dancing and he was my ex. And Seokmin was an _actor_. I couldn’t go to parties or anything cause we couldn’t afford a babysitter, because I wasn’t working, and my husband didn’t like them in the house because he felt like they judged us. And whenever my husband was home in the evenings I wanted to spend time with him instead of go dancing or something with my friends, and eventually we just drifted. And I suppose, I get messy and tactile when I drink, and it looks wrong I suppose. I love them though, loved, and maybe they still want to talk?”

“I’m sure they miss you. And if you explain, just a little bit you don’t have to bare your soul, just tell them what you’re comfortable telling them, there’s every chance that they miss you just as much.”

"Alright, you're doing really well Jeonghan-ah, don't beat yourself up about small setbacks. Keep reaching out to your friends for help, they want to help, open your social media accounts and I think you should try to go to the support group on Thursday. You might find it a little less scary this time." Isidore snapped their notebook closed with a smile.

"Thank you."

"I really mean it, Jeonghan-ah, you're doing well. Now go and treat yourself to a cake, alright? Sugar is good for you."

Jeonghan managed a laugh and shook his hand, gathering his bag and jacket and stepping out the door into the beaming sun. 

When Jeonghan arrived at Mingyu’s to collect the kids, Seungkwan was still doing homework.

“I’m really sorry, Jeonghan-hyung, we went to the park and bumped into a friend of mine and chatted for a while, we only got back an hour ago and had a snack. He’s nearly finished, if you don’t mind waiting?”

Jeonghan took his coat off, “Not at all Mingyu-ya. Don’t worry. How are you doing?”

A shy smile bloomed on Mingyu’s face, “Coming up to our 100 day anniversary and I’ve no idea what to do.”

“What about one of your prints? Flowers? Dinner?” Jeonghan took Minghao off Mingyu and cuddled him tightly for a moment before bouncing him on his knee as Mingyu nodded.

“A photo would actually be nice, thanks Hyung.”

“Not at all. Actually Mingyu-ya, can I ask a favour?”

Mingyu raised an eyebrow, “Sure…”

“Social media. Has it changed in five years?”

“Quite a bit. I mean Facebook, Instagram and Twitter are all still around, Instagram is more popular than Facebook nowadays, and they’ve all changed their interfaces, but apart from that, not really. Why?”

“I want to reopen my accounts.”

Mingyu’s eyes widened, “We can do it now? You can download the apps-”

“I think maybe my husband changed my passwords?”

“Well if you set them up with your email you can reset them? Give me your phone, I’ll download things and you can sign in.”

Jeonghan handed over his phone and leaned over to Seungkwan. “Baby? How are you doing?”

Seungkwan had his tongue between his teeth, “Just two sums left, Appa.”

“Good boy, take your time.”

“The passwords were saved to your Google logins, but you should probably go and change them wherever you think about it okay, Hyung?” Mingyu handed him his phone back while Seungkwan packed up his bag.

“Oh, thank you, really. Thank you. You have to come over for dinner sometime, yeah?”

Mingyu coloured lightly and put his hands in his pockets, “Sure, hyung. Oh and you’re following me now.”

Jeonghan smiled, “I bet you have excellent pictures.”

“Not one to toot my own horn or anything, but yeah, I do.”

“I’ll make sure to like them all then. Good luck with the anniversary and I’ll text you about dinner, okay?”

“Thanks, Hyung. Bye guys, see you next week! Be good for your Appa!”

Seungkwan and Minghao waved as they walked to the car. They were so good.

After he’d put the kids to bed, Jeonghan made a cup of tea and sat down with his phone to figure out how they worked. It was much the same as he remembered, and he scrolled through his photos to find one of the three of them. They’d taken loads on their holiday and Seungcheol had taken a very artsy one of Jeonghan on his back on the grass, dangling Minghao above his head while Seungkwan kissed Minghao’s ear. It was one of Jeonghan’s favourite pictures.

He uploaded it to Instagram and captioned it, “my two favourite people #holidaysnaps #theygrowsofast”. Uh he loved his kids.

**Jeonghan 20:57**

Just reopened my social medias  
Are you two on instagram?

**Jisoo 21:06**

Yeah!! Omg!! Yes!!  
I’m @jisoohongchoi  
Cheollie is @seungcheolchoihong  
What are you?

**Jeonghan 21:10**

@yoonjeonghanyoon  
I was maybe obsessed with draco malfoy  
Or james bond  
I’ll never tell

So maybe Jeonghan cackled a little bit while he followed his friends’ pages and scrolled back down Mingyu’s page to like all of his cutesy artsy pictures and try and find this ‘buttercup’ of his. And maybe he squealed like a 20 year old when he got two messages not even five minutes after he posted the picture.

**Junhui (@yesiwenastripclub)**

JEONGHAN YOON?!?!?!?  
GE!?!?!  
YOUR BABIES ARE SO CUTE  
OH MY GOD HOW ARE YOU

And

**Seokmin (@therealseokminly)**

Hyung?  
Is it really you?

Jeonghan put the phone down and bent over his knees, putting his hands on the floor for a second and breathing. They, they cared enough to keep following a dead page for nearly five years. They cared enough to notice the second he posted and to text him. They cared enough to care how he was. A tear rolled down Jeonghan’s face and he picked the phone back up, took a fortifying sip of tea and started to respond.

When it turned 11, Jeonghan had to say goodbye and put himself to bed, filled to the brim with love. Jun had extracted a promise from Jeonghan to meet for coffee that weekend, probably to convince himself that he was okay; and Seokmin had promised to send tickets the next time he was in town, key smashing in anger at the fact that the last ones had been ripped up. Jeonghan slept like a baby.

Seungcheol wouldn’t meet his eyes at work, so when Jeonghan went to collect Minghao from number 16 on Thursday evening, he was unsurprised to be greeted by a blush.

Jisoo called from inside, “Cheollie, what are you doing? Come in, Jeonghan-ah!”

“Jisoo-ya, did I do something?”

Jisoo looked at him, a smile curling his lips, “No. Seungcheol just got an eyeful of your Instagram.”

Jeonghan stared at him. His Instagram. What was on his Insta- “My stag night?” He could feel his cheeks heating up.

Jisoo nodded, smile breaking across his face, “I have to say Jeonghan-ah-”

Whatever he had to say was lost to the child censor, as Seungkwan leaned against Jeonghan’s legs. “Appa, tired.”

Jeonghan smiled, right time to go, “I’ll text you. Buck up, Seungcheol-ah. Please be able to meet my eyes without blushing tomorrow.” He gathered Minghao up and hurried home. 

Dinner, bath time, bed.

He checked his phone before he got into bed:

**Jisoo 18:15**

Stunning, you looked stunning.

Well. Talk about a confidence booster.

**Jeonghan 22:14**

I’ll stalk your pages tomorrow  
Night, J

  
  
  


The following Saturday, Seungcheol and Jisoo threw a small party for Hansol’s first birthday. It was cute. Jeonghan had bought some books that Seungkwan had loved and a set of baby safe markers. Erasable baby safe markers, their walls would be safe.

Hansol was adorable in a pair of cream cords and a blue ‘Birthday Boy’ t-shirt, answering the door in a tall man’s arms, happily playing with a set of keys. And then shrieking in delight when he registered who was at the door, an ear splitting ‘Hana!’ and a gummy smile.

Jeonghan swapped kids with the man to wish Hansol a happy birthday and squeeze him tight, getting slobbered over in ecstatic baby happiness in response.

“Hi, I’m Jeonghan, we live across the road. That’s Minghao, and I have no idea where Seungkwan went.” Jeonghan introduced himself after Hansol settled, gripping onto Jeonghan’s shirt and chattering away a mile a minute.

The man smiled, reaching out to shake Jeonghan’s hand. “So you’re Jeonghan then. We can speak Korean if you’d like, Jisoo’s told me all about you. Come in, come in.”

Jeonghan followed him in, wondering what that meant, and was quickly introduced to Seungcheol’s mother, Seunghee; his brother, Taesong; their babysitter, Chan and- Jeonghan blinked.

“Hello, Mingyu-ya, what are you doing here?” Jeonghan switched registers and leaned in for a hug, swivelling to keep Hansol’s head out of it.

“Hyung~” Mingyu whined, blushing, “Chan-ah is my boyfriend, Jisoo-hyung said I could come along?”

“It’s nice to see you. Lovely to meet you, Chan-ah, Mingyu talks about you all the time-”

“I do not!” Mingyu went red, pushing Jeonghan away. He laughed, rocking back easily.

Chan turned to Mingyu, all mock irritation, “You don’t talk about me?”

Jeonghan smiled with glee, kissing Hansol’s head, “What has Hyung done, hm? Let’s go find your parents.”

Seungkwan was on Seungcheol’s knee, eating crisps as Seungcheol chatted to his mother, and Jisoo was in the kitchen looking frazzled.

“Jeonghan-ah! Hi! Who let you in?” Jisoo turned, nearly dropping some sort of box. Jeonghan reached to steady him, tutting softly.

“Wonwoo-ya? Are you okay?”

“Hyung,” Jisoo corrected, putting the box down and turning to look at Jeonghan, “I don’t know?”

Jeonghan tugged him into a hug, running his free hand up and down his back, “What is it? Is it the people?”

Jisoo shook his head. Jeonghan swallowed back a coo and hugged him tighter instead. Hansol babbled curiously, “Papa?”

“Papa is okay, honey, just a little overwhelmed.” Jisoo managed, his voice tight. Jeonghan frowned.

“Do you want to have a cry? You can have a cry, you’re allowed, it’s your baby’s first birthday.” 

Jisoo pulled away, looking towards the ceiling and fanning his face, “Don’t want to cry now, cake, presents, pictures. Can cry later, in bed.”

A very relatable sentiment. “Okay then, hold your child. Tell me what I can do.”

The birthday party went well. They put all the kids down on a play mat, and Seungcheol knelt beside Hansol, opening presents one by one and handing them to him for inspection. Seungkwan made himself useful, scrunching up the wrapping paper and putting it in a pile before going red under the attention and scrambling up onto the couch to hide in Jeonghan’s arms. 

Jisoo managed not to cry, and they got lovely family photos, the three of them in front of the fireplace surrounded by presents, utterly adorable.

Minghao cried when they had to go home, and Jeonghan would have stayed, but he could see Jisoo fraying around the edges, and by Seungcheol’s careful hovering, he guessed it was time to let them be. 

  
  


~

  
  
  


September bled into October quickly, and one morning Jeonghan woke up to auburn leaves and crisp air. Autumn had truly arrived.

Something about the season made Jeonghan ecstatic, and not even Isidore’s “It’s time to start calling your husband by his name Jeonghan. Fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself. You know that.” could put a dampener on his mood.

He tried. Repeated ‘Hyunil Boo’ to himself whenever he caught himself thinking, ‘my husband’ and said it tentatively to Seungcheol one morning over coffee. It still felt weird. He hadn’t actually called him by name in, well, he couldn’t remember the last time. The name was rusty on his tongue. Hyunil-hyung had devolved into Hyung pretty quickly and after like 10 years, into Oppa- Stop.

Breathe.

Move on.

On Tuesday morning, the kids had both slept through the night! Jeonghan woke up to his alarm. His _alarm._ Unreal. He roused Seungkwan and changed Minghao before hopping into the shower, feeling well rested for the first time in recent memory.

Seungkwan was suspiciously quiet, doing exactly what he was told as quickly as possible and sitting down for breakfast with a smile.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asked as he set his porridge in front of him. Seungkwan just nodded and dug in. Alright then.

Minghao ate his porridge happily enough, and swung his legs, babbling softly to Seungkwan, while Jeonghan ate. Peaceful and easy. Idyllic.

Jeonghan arrived in work slightly early, walked to the café around the corner and ordered a mocha, sitting in the window and watching the pedestrians passing by. His phone buzzed.

**Jeonghee Kim-Yoon 8:51**

Oppa, I know you don’t talk to the family   
and I don’t blame you. I try not to. You probably  
don’t even want to hear from me, and I’m sorry,  
I’m such a shitty sister.   
But I thought you should know that  
Eommanim was talking shit about you in the  
extended family group chat. It doesn’t even make  
sense. But better to know I suppose. And she said  
you got divorced? Is that real? Can you meet me?   
Do you want to? I’d love to see my nephews and  
Oppa, you probably need hugs and stuff, please  
let me. I promise I won’t hurt anyone, I promise  
I’m okay. Dohun-ah is good to me and patient. And  
I’m back working with the University. I love you, pls  
consider meeting me.  
Happy Birthday,  
Jeonghee xx

Jeonghan closed the phone. Was it his birthday? October 4th, it was. Oh. 

Knowing that it was his birthday made his day a touch depressing. Nobody wished him happy birthday at work, there were no texts from his friends, even though he’d met Jun for a coffee the week before, there was no word.

He put his mind off the text, he’d talk about it with Isidore the next day.

So when he arrived at Giraffe Daycare to pick up Hansol, their arrangement was going really well, he was really surprised to have Nora, the day manager, walk up to him with Hansol holding her hand and holding a card.

“A little birdie told us it was your birthday!” Nora beamed as Jeonghan knelt down, wondering which little bird it had been and how they knew.

“Thank you very much, Hansollie!” Jeonghan couldn’t stop the smile on his face as Hansol let go of Nora’s hand to teeter a few steps into Jeonghan’s arms.

Hansol put the card into Jeonghan’s arm and pressed his head against his scarf, uncharacteristically quiet. He picked him up, hands under and around him securely.

“Everything alright?” 

Nora shrugged, “He’s been quiet all day. Upset when his dad left, but that’s been all week. I think he just needs a cuddle.”

Jeonghan nodded and took the bag off her, “We can certainly do that, can’t we! Let’s go collect Minghao-ya and see where we are, okay? I think some quiet time and music might be in order, what do you think, Hansollie? Music?”

“Yes.” He nodded against Jeonghan and he smiled at Nora.

“That’s that sorted then. See you Thursday.”

When they got home, Jeonghan sent Seungkwan in to take out his homework supplies and brought the two kids up to the nursery, Minghao on his hip and Hansol taking each step slowly with his hand tightly in Jeonghan’s.

Hansol did not want to be changed.

“Hansollie, please. You’ll feel much better and we can all cuddle?”

“No!”

“What if I sing to you?”

Hansol blinked.

Jeonghan smiled softly, “What about the name song? Seungkwannie always likes that one. A, my name is Arwen, my husband’s name is Aragorn. We live in A Land Far Away and we sell Apples. B, my name is Brendan, my husband’s name is Barry, we live in Britain and we sell Biscuits. C, my name is Clara, my wife’s name is Clódagh, we come from the Caribbean and we sell Coats…”

He put Hansol in the cot and picked up Minghao, he was this far he may as well finish. “-Q my name is Quentin my husband’s name is Q. We live in Queensland and we sell Quilts-”

“-W my name is Wendy, my husband’s name is Winston. We come from West Meath, and we sell Washing Machines.” By this stage he was back in the kitchen, settling the kids into highchairs, and Seungkwan looked at him curiously.

“Appa?”

“Can you help me with X, Seungkwan-ah? X my name is Xana?”

“Does Xana not start with an S, Appa?” Seungkwan looked back down at his homework, selecting a pencil carefully.

“No, it’s Spanish, it starts with an X. Can you think of any?”

Seungkwan pressed his finger to his lips, “Hmmmm, Xuimin?”

“Perfect!! Good Job! X my name is Xana, my husband’s name is Xuimin. We come from- Where do they come from, Seungkwannie?”

“Teacher’s husband is from Xi’an? Is that an X?”

“It is!! Oh my, you’re brilliant at this!” Jeonghan placed a small bowl of hummus with a plate of carrot sticks and crackers beside Seungkwan. “Would you like juice or water?”

“Water, please!”

“Okay. So, X, my name is Xana, my husband’s name is Xuimin. We live in Xi’an, and we sell?”

“Xylophones!”

Jeonghan set a cup of water down in front of him with a smile, “And we sell Xylophones! Z next, do you want to do it?” 

Seungkwan nodded, “Z my name is Zara, my- does it have to be husband, Appa? Can I use Zoë?”

“You can use whatever you like, lovey.”

“Okay. Z my name is Zara, my wife’s name is Zoë. We live in Zimbabwe and we sell Zebras!” Seungkwan finished with a flourish, “Now can you help me with my maths?”

“Well done. Just one second, let me give the others something to eat, alright?” Jeonghan said as he scooped plain yoghurt into two bowls and added some chopped blackberries. “Hansol-ah, you can have a cracker when you finish, okay? Minghao-ya, eat nicely.” He wiped his hands and sat down beside Seungkwan to help him with his counting.

When they’d finished their snacks and drunk lots of water, Jeonghan brought the two little ones into the sitting room and plopped down onto the couch, scrolling through his phone to put on Burl Ives’ children’s CD. Minghao wriggled off the couch within seconds, over to his toys, but Hansol just clambered into Jeonghan’s lap and stayed there.

“Shall we open your card?” Jeonghan wasn’t hurt, not at all, that he was only getting a birthday card from his friend’s baby. Unreal. He figured it had in fact been neither of Hansol’s parents, but Nora herself, reading off the form he’d had to fill out for GDPR stuff. He wasn’t hurt. Just mildly pissed off at his hus- at Hyunil. General irritation. Nothing new. He wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing that he was generally just pissed off at him these days.

Probably better than low key being terrified.

He opened the envelope and pulled the card out. The shaky stick figures were nothing much, nothing that even resembled a human or a set of people really, but he still felt the tears catching in his throat. He pressed kiss after kiss to Hansol’s hair. “Thank you sweetheart, you’re adorable and so special. Love you lots.” The inside had a carefully printed ‘Happy Birthday Jeonghan, lots of love Hansol’ in presumably one of the assistant’s handwriting. Such a special card.

After a while, Minghao crawled back over to the couch and Jeonghan helped him up, the three of them slowly lying down. Seungkwan sat on the end of the couch with his book and Jeonghan fought to stay awake, his eyes slowly tugging closed, the two babies half on his stomach and the gentle soothing tones of Burl Ives playing on the speakers. He’d wake up if someone moved.

Surely.

He shouldn’t fall asleep-

“Appa!! The doorbell!” Jeonghan shot up, the two babies were still on him. Phew. Seungkwan was playing with Lego, that was okay. Nothing was on fire. 

**BUZZ**

The doorbell, right. Okay. He extracted himself slowly from the two boys, and walked out into the hall, dragging a hand through his hair and one over his face. He looked in the mirror, grand. He didn’t look like he’d had a nap.

Jeonghan opened the door and stopped. Eyes widening.

Jisoo and Seungcheol and Esmeralda and Betsy standing on his doorstep with balloons and plates of food and bright smiles. 

“Oh my God, come in, oh my _God_ -” Seungcheol pulled him into a hug, walking them down the hall into the sitting room.

“Happy Birthday, Jeonghan-ah!”

“Appa?” Seungkwan called and Jeonghan saw Jisoo pull him into a hug, whispering something in his ear.

“Let us spoil you!”

“Happy Birthday, Jeonghan!! I made cake, Betsy made something, you go and sit down, let us do dinner. Go!!”

Betsy peered around Esmeralda's side, “Shoo!”

Jeonghan looked between the four of them and felt the tears welling up again, right, back to the babies. He snuggled back down with them, this felt surreal. Seungcheol came in with a glass of something and handed it to him, smiling at the scene fondly and taking a picture.

“Are you okay? I felt awful not wishing you a happy birthday in work, but Jisoo had _plans_.”

Jeonghan shook his head in a ‘so-so’ motion, taking a sip- “What is this?”

“Pear cider. Do you like it?”

“Its,” Jeonghan took another sip, “interesting.” Seungcheol smothered a smile. 

“Right, holler if you need anything.”

**BUZZ**

Jeonghan started to move, Hansol and Minghao both clinging now, but Jisoo called “I’ll get it!!” and he relaxed back into the couch, smoothing his free hand over the boys’ back.

“Relax, I’m not going anywhere apparently.”

There was a suspicious silence and then Jun stepped into the room. Followed quickly by Seokmin.

Jeonghan burst into tears, startling the kids and the adults, hiding behind Hansol’s worried hands and Minghao’s damp kisses. He wasn’t sad. He was just… this was a lot. 

Someone said ‘give him room’ and there was a slow emptying of the room, Jisoo leaning to offer to take the kids, Hansol screamed, Minghao cried, he stepped away, “Jeez, my baby loves you more than me.” Jeonghan cried harder.

“I’m sorry, I’m not upset,” Jeonghan managed digging down the side of the couch for a packet of tissues and wiping at his face uselessly with his hand, “it’s a lot, I didn’t-” He gestured vaguely and Seungcheol hummed, handing him a tissue and some water.

“That’s okay. Minghao-ya, do you want to come to Hyung?” He held out his arms and Minghao looked between him and Jeonghan for a few moments before crawling into them. Seungcheol stood, hitching him up in his arms. “Shall we try that again?”

Jeonghan nodded. His makeup had pretty much all come off in the tissue but at least he wasn’t crying.

Jun peered slowly around the door, “Jeonghan?” The familiar tones of his accented English were reassuring.

Jeonghan pushed himself up, steadying Hansol to one side, “Junnie~”

“Happy Birthday!! I’m sorry I didn’t text, there was a plan, but maybe not the best plan?” Jun halted a few paces away from him, but Jeonghan patted the couch beside him.

Jun sat, hesitant. “I’m sorry if we upset you?”

“You didn’t, I just got a little overwhelmed. I basically forgot my birthday and assumed everyone else had too, so I just… Anyway. Thank you for coming!! I can’t believe- Seokmin is here too?”

Seokmin stepped in slowly and Jeonghan went to stand up, got stopped by Hansol, picked Hansol up, “Oh Seokminnie, I’m so sorry-” he’d apologised before, they’d been texting every few days since they’d gotten back in contact, Seokmin had apologised, Jeonghan had apologised, nobody was angry, but he’d been touring, there had been no way they could meet. Seeing him in the flesh, Jeonghan pushed tears down.

“Don’t hyung,” Seokmin muttered, pulling him into a quick, tight hug, “then I’ll start and we’ll ever get anywhere. Happy birthday! To many more, hm? Oh don’t cry-” Seokmin went to pull away but Jeonghan tucked himself tighter into his chest and let Hansol be tugged out of his arms by someone, just overcome. He clung onto Seokmin’s jacket, he was such a bad host, and shook slightly, trying to swallow all the tears, trying to not make more of a show of himself than he was making, but he- he was losing the battle. Unbidden, the image of Hyunil turning him over and spanking him until he stopped crying flew through his mind and Jeonghan flinched and clutched tighter, tears pouring out of him.

Seokmin walked them over to the couch and manoeuvred Jeonghan down between him and Jun, half on both of their laps. Jun started cooing quietly, whispered ‘you’re okay’ and ‘we love you’ and ‘let go’ and ‘we’re here’. Sweet nothings really, just something to fill the silence between each of Jeonghan’s corpse rattling sobs. Seungcheol and Jisoo had closed the doors behind them, leaving Jeonghan in Jun and Seokmin’s hopefully capable hands.

Jeonghan’s breath started to pick up and again, Hyunil flashed through his head. He breathed faster, breath coming in tiny snatches, hardly any oxygen, he couldn’t stop crying-

“Hyung~” Seokmin’s voice was low and gentle, “Deep breaths.”

Jun took Jeonghan’s hands carefully, putting one on Jeonghan’s belly and the other on Jeonghan’s chest. “Breathe in slowly, through your nose, close your mouth, it’ll be easier. In, just like that, and out, slowly. Okay, you’re doing great-”

Jeonghan closed his eyes, he felt like crap, but his breath was slowly slowing down and easing and he didn’t feel like he was going to suffocate. The tears kept flowing down his face, and once his breathing evened out he took one massive breath and leaned heavily back into Seokmin.

“I’m sorry, I’m such a mess.”

Jun just smoothed his hair away from his face and pressed a kiss to his brow, “None of that.”

“Hyung, you’ve thrown up on us. This is nothing.” Seokmin shifted, and Jeonghan realised he was sitting on them. He stiffened and went to move, but Seokmin just hummed and hooked his chin over Jeonghan’s shoulder.

“Relax, don’t work yourself up. Breathe. If you really want to move, we’ll let you, but if you want to move because you think you’re being inappropriate, I do invite you to remember college.” Jun soothed and Jeonghan blinked, images of skin on skin cuddles, holidays with one bed big enough for four, pressure, safety, comfort- He slowly relaxed into them, the tension bleeding out of him. He could do this. Nobody was going to give out to him. Nobody was going to tell him it was wrong. 

“There you go. Feel better?” Jun crooned softly after a little while and when Jeonghan nodded, leaned forward to kiss him quickly. “Happy Birthday.”

Before Jeonghan could do more than blink, Seokmin twisted around him to kiss him. “Happy Birthday.”

Jeonghan blinked, reaching for their hands, this wasn’t that odd, birthday kisses had always been a thing, but, just, not in so long, this was why his husband hated his friends. 

Seokmin pressed a kiss to his shoulder before standing and steadying Jeonghan, “Jun is going to go and help you wash up, just in case you flush yourself down the toilet. I’m going to go help in the kitchen, and then you can reintroduce me to my godson. Sound okay?”

Still a little dumbstruck, Jeonghan couldn’t do more than nod, and then let Jun wrap long fingers around his wrist and tug him upstairs, motion him down onto the toilet seat and soak a washcloth in hot water, wring it out and clean his face softly.

“Jun?”

Jun hummed, rinsing the washcloth out and digging through the cupboard for something.

“What’s going on?”

Finding a cream, Jun unscrewed the lid and applied it to Jeonghan’s face, tilting his chin this way and that, “We’re throwing you a surprise party. Jisoo reached out to me and Seokminnie on Instagram a few weeks ago. He’d stalked your page to find your birth date, and decided that a party would be what you needed. Perhaps he should have spoken to you. With Seungkwan they picked out a birthday present. And I think Seungcheol invited your neighbours. And then Seokmin said that’s big enough don’t scare him and I think that stopped like three more additions? Anyway. We all brought food and drink and Seokmin and I have been offered Jisoo’s spare room if you don’t want us, but we have overnight bags in our cars. Do you want makeup?”

Jeonghan blinked, “I’m tearing up, maybe no makeup. I always wear makeup though-”

Jun gathered him close and smoothed back his hair again, “Don’t cry. No more tears. Cry later, when we can cuddle you, okay? Dinner first. And presents. And kids, you have to introduce me to the kids. Who is Minghao’s godfather by the way, and why isn’t it me?”

“He doesn’t have one,” Jeonghan mumbled, “Hyunil, he, it was his to choose and he thought the idea was silly and I didn’t have anyone left, I’d chased you all away-”

“Jeonghan. You’ve apologised. I’ve apologised. It’s in the past, leave it there. I was only teasing, but Minghao is a Chinese name isn’t it?”

“Yeah, he’s from Anshan,” Jeonghan pulled away and patted across the sink for his blush stick, dabbing some on and smoothing it out. “Do I look alive?”

“Yeah, lovely. Are you going to get him Mandarin classes?”

“Probably. Oh I have to suss out Korean classes for Seungkwan, damn it I knew I forgot something this year.”

Jun flicked off the lights and followed him out of the bathroom, “Well I’m happy to speak to him purely in Mandarin. And Seungkwan isn’t even six yet, leave it for the new year. He speaks it with you?”

“Pretty much exclusively. Apart from tonight, we’re in mixed company.”

Jun halted outside the kitchen door and pulled Jeonghan in for another tight hug, “Breathe.”

The food was delicious. The cakes were gorgeous. Everyone got on. Esmeralda and Betsy’s particular brand of humour was pretty much the exact same as Jun so they got on like a house on fire. Seokmin entertained them all with stories from the stage, Seungkwan instantly taking a shine to him, and sitting as close as possible. Minghao had stolen Seungcheol’s lap off Hansol, and Hansol had, yet again, abandoned his parents. This time for Esmeralda. She just melted. Truly adorable.

When everyone started bringing out presents, Jeonghan stole Minghao back to hide in his hair. Jisoo and Seungcheol had teamed up with Seungkwan to get Jeonghan a box of bath bombs from Lush, and a pretty photo album full of pictures, half of which Jeonghan didn’t remember being taken, of Jeonghan and the kids or of Minghao and Hansol, or Seungkwan and Seungcheol, or Minghao and Jisoo or Minghao and Seungcheol, all permutations. Dating as far back as April! And the last picture was one of the three of them from Seungcheol’s birthday. 

Jeonghan couldn’t help the tears rolling down his face, just swiped at them with his sleeve and leaned to hug Seungcheol tightly, Jisoo getting up to hug him around his chair.

“Oh my God, you’re too sweet. Seriously. My heart. Oh my God.”

Esmeralda and Betsy had gotten him a book of ‘Babysitting Vouchers’ and a pile of leaflets about night classes and clubs and adult things that didn’t involve children. And a massive box of chocolates laced with about 70 different types of alcohol. “They’re Betsy’s favourites.”

Seokmin had gotten him, well. Jun and Seokmin had gotten him underwear.

Which.

Blinking. Rapid blinking and closing of the box.

“Thank you, they’re gorgeous.” Jeonghan managed, and they were. Very pretty lacy affairs, just, you know, not for public consumption.

Seokmin and Jun just giggled quietly and Jisoo and Seungcheol stared. Jeonghan put the box under his chair.

When they were cleaning up, Jeonghan hip checked Jun with a quiet, “You can stay.”

Esmeralda and Betsy left first, warm hugs and fond looks. Jisoo and Seungcheol a little while later, both kissing him on the cheek, making Jeonghan falter, before drawing him into tight embraces.

“Sorry if I upset you.” Jisoo whispered and Jeonghan shook his head.

“No, thank you. This is amazing, I was just overwhelmed.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah positive. Thank you.”

Jisoo looked him in the eye for a few moments before nodding, gathering up the sleeping Hansol and his things while Seungcheol shrugged on his coat and waved to the other two.

When they were gone, Jeonghan went through the motions of putting the kids to bed, letting Jun sing a pretty Mandarin lullaby to Minghao, and Seokmin sing something from his latest musical to Seungkwan. Hovering in the hallway between them, listening.

Hearing them both sing catapulted Jeonghan back to college, when they shared a dorm and then an apartment, Seokmin, Jun, Jeonghan and Soonyoung. It was never silent. Someone was always singing, talking, screaming or playing music, or having sex. It was loud. Comfortingly loud. A white noise backdrop to college life.

Hyunil hated the radio. Hated having something vying for his listener’s attention. Their house was always silent. The kids had to be quiet. Jeonghan had to be quiet. And he still tried his best to be quiet. 

But he didn’t need to be.

He went and got changed into pyjamas. His silky purple set. He wrapped his robe around him and padded downstairs, taking down three large glasses and pouring out the last bottle of wine between the three. Jeonghan had had half a glass earlier, Jisoo and Betsy had drunk most of the rest. He brought them into the living room, set them on the table, and curled into the corner of the couch, dragging the throw over his lap.

Seokmin came down first, dressing gown open over tracksuit bottoms and an old band t-shirt, flopping down beside Jeonghan and pulling his feet into his lap, casually digging his thumbs into the arches of Jeonghan’s feet and pulling out the knots that always seemed to end up there.

Jeonghan tipped his head back against the couch and shivered, swallowing down a moan. Seokmin had always been _so_ good at this.

Jun padded down a few moments later, appearing just in Jeonghan’s line of sight and raising an eyebrow. Jeonghan hummed. Jun bent to kiss him, slowly. Jeonghan was working purely on muscle memory and when he opened his mouth and had a short lived tongue battle, before Jun was licking into Jeonghan’s mouth like he was painting. 

Seokmin pressed down on a particularly stubborn knot and worked it out and Jeonghan broke the kiss to moan, pornographically loud. Seokmin chuckled and leaned up to kiss him, lots of firm pecks over his lips and cheeks and eyes, and then pulled away. Jeonghan opened his eyes, watching him kiss Jun above his head. They hadn’t done this in so long. Obviously. But it was instinctive. Maybe Jun and Seokmin still did it.

It had never been about romance. The fact that Soonyoung and Jeonghan had ended up dating had been totally circumstantial. Mostly, it had been about comfort, about reassurance, we’re here, you’re here; something grounding. Was there anything more grounding than sex? 

And if there was anybody who could make Jeonghan feel good about his body in regards to sex, it was Jun and Seokmin.

“Hannie? Are you sure you’re okay to do this?” Jun and Seokmin asked almost simultaneously and Jeonghan laughed slightly.

“I’ve missed you,” he swapped into his most aegyo filled Korean, “and I haven’t had sex in _so long._ ”

Seokmin pressed a smile to his collarbone, “What about your pretty neighbours, hyung?”

“They’re married Minnie~” Jeonghan whined, but even as he said it he could practically feel the weight of their gazes throughout dinner, the way Seungcheol had taught him to float, Jisoo’s constant touch.

“Hmm,” Jun smirked, “Get back to us on that in like three months. They couldn’t stop staring at you. They’re lovely. And their baby adores you.”

Jeonghan squirmed, “Can we not?”

Seokmin nodded, pulling Jeonghan down the couch by his hips and standing up, carrying Jeonghan like he weighed nothing. All the air went out of Jeonghan’s lungs and he squirmed in Seokmin’s arms, testing his strength. Seokmin didn’t budge, just adjusted so Jeonghan was a little more secure and called over his shoulder for Jun to bring the wine. Jeonghan hid his head in Seokmin’s neck, willing his blush away, before realising that Seokmin and Jun knew all of his sex things. He was doing this on purpose.

“Which bedroom, Hyung?”

“The guest room, I, I don’t sleep in the master anymore.”

Seokmin just kissed his shoulder, ran fingers over his spine and changed direction. “That’s okay. Condoms and lube?”

“In the master?” Jeonghan whispered, and Jun pressed up against Seokmin’s back to kiss Jeonghan.

“I’ll get them. Worst comes to worst, I’ll just do a late night sex run.” Jun set the glasses down on the dressing table and bounced out of the room. Seokmin dropped Jeonghan into the centre of the bed and flopped down beside him, tangling their hands and kissing him once.

“Do you believe us now when we say we’re here for you?”

Jeonghan nodded, laughing, “Yes, absolutely.”

Seokmin raised an eyebrow and kissed him again, really slow, like liquid mercury the kiss melted into Jeonghan’s brain, overriding the tiny, ‘But, Hyunil-’ that was trying to pipe up and dialling into the older, mostly forgotten, ‘home, happy, friends’ that was apparently still hardwired into his very makeup.

He tangled his fingers into Seokmin’s hair and pulled him closer, kissing and kissing and kissing, until Jun knelt in between them, whispering something in Mandarin. It took Jeonghan a second, he hadn’t spoken Mandarin in a while, but then he raised an eyebrow.

“What did you find?”

“Things that make me want to wrap you in cotton wool and hide you from view.”

“Ah.” One of the reasons why Jeonghan avoided the master bedroom. Hyunil’s under the bed sex box. He’d avoided that when he’d gone through the wardrobes with Jisoo.

{}“Never mind that right now, did you find condoms and lube, Junnie?” Seokmin asked, tugging Jun down by the collar and petting his cheek.

“Lots of both. We’re all set. Let’s get naked!”

There was so much giggling, Jeonghan nearly fell out of his trousers laughing at Jun and Seokmin play fighting over, Jeonghan didn’t actually know what. But then they were all naked and Jeonghan was momentarily self conscious, Hyunil had said he’d gotten uglier, had said he wasn’t as-

“Ah, hyung, as handsome as ever,” Seokmin smiled, leaning back against the pillows, hands folded underneath his head, cock standing to attention. Jeonghan relaxed a little and turned to Jun slightly. 

Jun wrapped his arms around Jeonghan from behind, licking at his earlobe and wrapping one hand unceremoniously around Jeonghan’s cock. “You’re gorgeous, relax. Look at Mr. I’m A Star Now. All kneel at my feet peasants. Who does he think he is, huh?”

Jeonghan cackled, even as he squirmed in Jun’s grip, turning for a kiss. “Let’s ignore him.”

“Oh it is a pleasure to be working with you again, Hannie! That sounds like an excellent plan,” Jun slunk down onto his knees and held Jeonghan up with an arm around his legs. “Seokmin, throw us a condom would you?”

One whacked him in the head with a loud braying laugh, and Jeonghan bent down, shaking to press his head against Jun’s. Jun looked up sharply, but Jeonghan was just shaking with laughter.

He patted behind him for the condom packet and then ripped it open with his teeth, to a stream of breathy giggles from Jeonghan. This, they knew well. He rolled it down Jeonghan’s length, following it with his mouth, cutting off Jeonghan’s giggles.

Jeonghan reached for Jun’s hand, holding tightly. His first blowjob in… ten years? God that was depressing. He was gay. And married to a man. God what a depressing thought.

“Seokminnie? This is my first blowjob in 10 years.”

“Jesus hyung, that’s shit. When’s the last time you topped?”

Jeonghan stared at him, gripping tightly to Jun’s hand as he did something bizarre with his tongue and Jeonghan’s hips stuttered forward. Topped? Christ. 

“That long? Jesus. Do you want to top? Or bottom? Or both, there are two of us, Jeonghan sandwich?” Seokmin offered, casual as if he was reading off a menu. Jeonghan giggled, nodding, ooh that sounded nice, the pleasure drag and pull of being between Jun and Seokmin was guaranteed fun.

Jun sat back on his heels, “Stop distracting him Seokmin, jeez, I’m trying to blow his mind here!”

Seokmin burst into laughter, turning to press his face to the pillow to stifle them. Jun looked up at Jeonghan, shaking his head and leaned forward, swallowing him down and then bobbing back. “Feel warmed up?”

“I’m not a car, Junnie!”

“You haven’t had sex in what,” Jun leaned back and dragged his eyes up and down Jeonghan’s body, “25 weeks?”

“What are we classifying as sex here?”

“You both got off, it was moderately enjoyable.”

“God, that’s a low bar Jun!” Seokmin huffed but Jeonghan just nodded.

“Hyunil put me in a dress? He used lube so I mean it was comfortable? And I came twice. I think. Pretty sure I blacked out. 28 weeks or something ago? 29? 30? They all run into one.” Jeonghan said after casting his mind back. He nodded, satisfied.

Jun and Seokmin both went pale. Jun stood up and tugged Jeonghan into a tight hug, “You poor thing.”

Seokmin scooted forwards to the edge of the bed and tugged Jun backwards into his lap, the three of them toppling onto the bed. “Hyung, I’m so sorry.”

Jeonghan squirmed. He knew it was bad. Isidore had been pretty insistant on the enjoyability factor of sex, but he just, couldn’t remember that. “I’m sorry?”

“No, no, never. Your ex though-”

“Hyunil.”

“Hyunil, he’s a dick. If I see him, I’m punching him in the dick.”

Jun cackled, “And the stomach, and then kicking him when he’s down, what a piece of shit.”

“He got 18 months?” Jeonghan tried, snuggling into Seokmin’s chest, Seokmin’s hand coming up automatically to pet his hair.

“Not long enough.”

“Enough of that depressing shite. Seokmin, got a preference?”

“This girl from the cast kept refusing to peg me, so bottoming please.” Seokmin whined with such desperation that Jeonghan burst into giggles again, twisting to kiss him, all clacking teeth and tongue.

Jun huffed, rearranging them so he had access and then uncapped the lube and snapped on a pair of gloves.

“Junnie where did you get them?” Jeonghan craned his head back and Jun just gave him a dark look.

“The other bedroom.”

“What?”

“We’re going through it tomorrow. It's a box of sin and I hate it. Go back to kissing Minnie, I shall,” he paused and put on an evil Disney villain voice, “open you both up!”

Seokmin’s chest vibrated with his laughter, and Jeonghan was momentarily reminded of his slightness. He was narrower than Seokmin, everywhere. He shivered and kissed Seokmin. Seokmin splayed his hands over Jeonghan’s spine. Christ they were big. Jeonghan moaned into the kiss and Jun cackled.

“I haven’t even touched you. You’re doing that thing where you realise how big Seokmin is aren’t you?”

Jeonghan nodded into the kiss and Seokmin broke it to smirk. “I have gained muscle, you may note.”

“You picked me up,” Jeonghan blinked. His voice was all husky. “Like I weighed nothing. I sort of wanted to eat you.”

Jun cackled as he petted into Jeonghan, and presumably Seokmin, judging by his matching inhale. “Yeah we could tell. You did that heavy eyelid thing and went all gaspy. It was mostly hilarious with a side of adorable.”

Jeonghan dropped his head onto Seokmin’s collar as they both laughed, prettily and low, a perfect dichotomy. Seokmin gasped and squirmed and Jun hummed soothingly.

“Opening up so prettily, Minnie, breathe through it, kiss Hannie.” 

Seokmin did, but then Jeonghan broke it to pant into Seokmin’s collar, “Junnie~~”

Jun just cackled, up to two fingers in both of them now, and just having fun. “Gonna make this feel good for you Jeonghan, just need to make it easy for you. I know you don’t need four but I’m gonna go that far, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jeonghan twisted, “Kiss me.”

Jun did, gentle and reassuring, “Tell me the second something doesn’t feel right. I don’t care if it's cause you’re cold, or you need water, or the toilet, or if something hurts. Words are important okay? Cause we can read you but our cues are at best 5 years old and at worst 12. Okay?”

“Yeah.” They were precious.

Seokmin broke the moment to whine, “I don’t want four fingers, I wanna feel hyung, don’t give me four~”

“You’re a big baby. I’m giving you three. Jeonghan is thicker than you think.”

“But I wanna feel the stretch~”

Jun swatted him on the thigh, “You will, you just won’t tear, isn’t that a nice idea.”

Seokmin pursed his lips. “Hurry up, it’s cold.”

“I don’t want four fingers, I’m cold, you’re slow,” Jun mimicked, “Can’t do anything right around here.” Jeonghan giggled, finger’s scrambling for purchase on Seokmin’s shoulders and laughter breaking into a long moan as Jun scraped a fingertip against his prostate. 

“Got that right, didn’t I!” Jun dropped a kiss to the base of Jeonghan’s spine. “Okay, Minnie, you’re done. Just let me finish Jeonghan and we’re good to go.”

“We’re not cars, Jun!” Jeonghan protested but Seokmin just kissed him, wrapping his arms around him casually, knowing it only drew attention to his muscles and had Jeonghan all breathy and gaspy and had Jun cackling.

“Right. Let’s do this!” Jun wiggled his fingers free and de-gloved, chucking them into the bin and throwing another condom at Jeonghan. “Change that. I realise you haven’t topped in a while but you remember the mechanics, right? Tab a, slot b, et cetera?”

Jeonghan blushed, laughing, “I think that’s pretty hard to forget.” He handed the other condom to Jun who binned it, and rolled on the new one.

“You’d think, right. For your sake, Minnie, let’s hope he’s telling the truth, hm?” Jun rolled his own on and then ushered them both up the bed onto pillows and pointed at Jeonghan, “Whose face do you want to see?”

“Do I not get to pick?”

“You had sex last week, shut up.”

Jeonghan turned to whisper in Seokmin’s ear, “The power is going to his head~”

“For that, you get my face, you bizarre pup.”

“Em, Jun? How is that supposed to work exactly?”

Jun stared at him. “Ah. Not at all. Sorry, proceed.”

Jeonghan cackled and tugged at Seokmin until they were aligned and slowly pushed into him with a hum of pleasure. Seokmin moaned so loud that Jeonghan shushed him, “I have children!! Shhhh!”

Jun stroked a hand down Jeonghan’s spine, “Ready?”

Jeonghan nodded, stilling as Jun entered him slowly, the slide easy with the lube. Jeonghan shivered. 

“Okay?” Jun kissed his shoulder and reached an arm around to stroke a thumb over his belly.

“Yeah. Go slow?”

“‘Course.”

They quickly set an easy pace, Seokmin clutching at Jeonghan’s shoulder and whispering nonsense, Jeonghan kissing Seokmin’s jaw intently, and Jun had slipped into Mandarin, kissing Jeonghan’s ears and occasionally Seokmin’s fingers. 

Mostly gentle, rhythmic push-pull, but like all sex, it eventually devolved into hurried stuttering quick thrusts. 

Seokmin came first, pressing closed teeth against Jeonghan’s shoulder and stilling him with a hand on his hip, holding him steady as Jun sped up, Jeonghan twisting his head to kiss him, frantic. They both came together, moaning into each other’s mouths.

And then they collapsed against the bed.

“God we’re old.”

“For that, you have to go get washcloths and things, Lee Seokmin. I prepped and Jeonghan did double the fucking. You’re the least tired, move it.” Jun waved an imperious hand and then wrapped it around Jeonghan’s chest, pulling him closer. Jeonghan moaned, Jun bumped up against his prostate. 

“Hyung?”

“He’s still in me, Minnie.”

“I know Seokmin was joking but I’m not going again, Jeonghan. I know you’re full of petrol and have nowhere to go but I’m done.”

Jeonghan just tugged Jun’s arm tighter around him, “I. Am not a car.”

“I know you’re not, I know you’re not.”

Seokmin padded back with a washcloth, “Both kids are still asleep. Hyungs you’re gonna have to disengage. Condoms are great if you catch them before they slip off. Let’s keep the bed clean.”

Jeonghan grumbled, but rolled obligingly onto his stomach when Jun pulled out and tied off his condom, Seokmin had done Jeonghan’s and his own earlier.

Seokmin hummed praise and wiped at the lube and sweat gently, “You’re doing so well Jeonghannie, you’re all cat like and liquidy, you’re gonna sleep so well.”

And then he helped him into pyjama bottoms. Jun and Jeonghan snuggled under the covers when Seokmin went out to get rid of the cloths, Jeonghan scooting down so he could tuck himself under Jun’s chin.

“Now do you believe us when we say we forgive you?”

Jeonghan nodded, “Yeah. God I missed having sex with you two.”

Jun just kissed his head, “Love you too, you ridiculous cuddle bug.”

Seokmin slid under the covers and plastered himself to Jeonghan’s back, cold toes touching Jeonghan’s ankles. “Are we being sappy? Jeonghan, I missed your cock, it was every inch as delicious as I remembered and I will cherish being your first asshole to breech in 12 years.”

Jeonghan curled tighter into Jun’s chest, “You are so embarrassing.”

“I am honest and perfect.”

Jun patted him, “You tell yourself that, you tell yourself that.”

“Now we sleep. I just turned 33. Let’s sleep now.”

Seokmin just pressed a kiss to both of their heads in response. {/}

Jeonghan slept like a log, vaguely aware of Minghao crying at some stage but Jun just gentled him back into the bed and slipped out of the bed before coming back sometime later.

“Hao?”

“Asleep, go back to sleep.”

They remained pretty tightly entwined all night, and Jeonghan woke up feeling like he’d slept for a year.

Shit.

It was a Wednesday.

He bounced out of the bed throwing on his robe and hurrying into Seungkwan’s bedroom, checking the hall clock. Still early.

“Good morning, love,” Jeonghan woke Seungkwan gently, “It’s a Wednesday. You’re going to see Mingyu-hyung later on. And you have music in class! Up you get.”

“Mom-Appa, sleepy,” Seungkwan mumbled and Jeonghan’s heart stuttered. “Appa, five more minutes?”

“No love, up you get now. I have to get Minghao-ya, will you get dressed? We picked your outfit last night, remember? It’s handing on your wardrobe.”

Seungkwan yawned and sat up, “Okay. Morning.”

Jeonghan kissed his brow, “Good morning, sweetheart.”

Minghao was easier, he was already awake, standing and nibbling on the teething guard of his crib, one hand tight around the neck of a duck. Jeonghan raised him high in the air and kissed his toes, knees, stomach, chin, nose, eyes, ears. “Good Morning Minghao-baby! It’s a Wednesday and it’s 7.25 am,” he opened the curtains, “It’s raining! So much water! Maybe Mingyu-hyung will let you splash in the puddles later, hm? Shall we put you in yellow, purple or green. Yellow? I think so-”

Once he was dressed, he went back into his bedroom, settled Minghao in the centre of the bed, Jun automatically wrapping an arm around him, and jumped in the shower. He was calling off work. He had holidays built up and he wanted to spend the morning with his friends. He washed quickly, gently, and then dried off, hurrying across his bedroom to pull on underwear and dig out an old, worn in, comfortable pair of mom jeans that Hyunil had hated. And a soft soft jumper.

Gathering Minghao back up he fed the kids, rang into work, sent a text to Jun and Seokmin that he’d be back in 40 minutes to an hour, and left the house.

He met eyes with Jisoo and Seungcheol and blushed a deep red. Did they know? Was it obvious? Seokmin and Jun’s cars were in the drive. He smiled brilliantly, and belted the kids in, pulling out and driving off as quickly as he could. Jesus what were they going to think of him?

When he got home, Jun and Seokmin were still in their pyjamas, Seokmin was making pancakes. Jun took one look at him and raised an eyebrow, opening his arms, “Do not do that. Who are you worrying about now?”

“Jisoo and Seungcheol?” Jeonghan let himself be tugged down onto Jun’s lap and hugged. 

Jun dug his chin into Jeonghan’s shoulder, “Did you run into them?”

“Yeah.”

“Well. They won’t know anything unless you tell them, right? And if the way they were looking at you is any indication, they’ll just be intrigued to know you’re not against polyamorous relationships.”

“Jun, why do you keep insisting that they like me?”

“Cause you’re blind to flirting unless someone points it out and they gave you a _photo album of you and the kids_. If they don’t even slightly have a thing for you I am a useless gay.”

“Junnie, I’m not divorced yet. And I don’t know if I’m ready?” Jeonghan said quietly and Seokmin plated up pancakes for everyone and patted Jeonghan’s head.

“You don’t have to do anything with the information. Just be aware. Alright? Jun isn’t saying it to push you into something, he’s just saying it to let you know.”

Jeonghan nodded, “They are both ridiculously built.”

Jun and Seokmin just rolled their eyes.

“Eat. You’ll need your strength for later,” Seokmin jabbed at Jeonghan’s pile of pancakes with his knife, “No. Don’t look at me like that we’re not having more sex, God. No. Tackling your master bedroom. The guest room is lovely and all, but you deserve to sleep in the best bedroom and we’re gonna make it nicer for you. Okay?”

Jun ended up piling the entire contents of the drawers under the bed into his boot, raising an eyebrow at anyone who dared blink his way. Jeonghan didn’t want them, and Jun would either clean them and use them or bin them. 

All of Hyunil’s clothing had already been dropped off to Hyunil’s brother’s house, so they hoovered and mopped and binned knickknacks and filed away photos, even moved the furniture around until the room was bare of anything else that reminded Jeonghan of Hyunil. Apart from the colours of the walls and all the walls were the same colour anyway.

“Right,” Seokmin said, hands on his hips, “Do you want to move back in here?”

Jeonghan nodded. He wanted the ensuite, this room had the best view.

“Okay. Let’s move you in and then we’re going out for lunch before your appointment, alright?”

“Perfect.”

Isidore just boggled at him for several seconds before they managed to pull their therapist mask back on properly.

“...Right. Okay. Right. And how do you feel now?”

Jeonghan smiled widely around his glass of water, “Light. Ridiculously light. And relieved? That they’re still there for me and that they meant what they said. And happy, happy that I had fun, happy that I cleaned out the master bedroom, happy that they’re properly back in my life.”

“Well that’s really good. And do you think you’ll have sex with them again?”

Jeonghan shrugged, “Probably not. It was a grounding thing. A reassurance, I’m here you’re okay sort of thing. That’s all it’s ever been. Comfort and fun. But what I really wanted to talk about is this text I got from my sister.”

They spend the rest of the hour separating truth from Hyunil’s fiction, pulling apart the strands of why Jeonghan and Jeonghee, who had been so close that they knew every possible thing there was to know about each other, from periods to sexual experiences, had fallen out of contact. How siblings who were so close were now so far apart.

Eventually it became clear that while initially Hyunil may have had some sort of foot to stand on in saying that Jeonghee wasn’t safe for Jeonghan and Seungkwan to be around, she’s had a small drug problem, it hadn’t been right. Jeonghan was her brother, he could have supported her through it, and when she recovered, he should have seen her and talked and apologised for not being there but that he had to put his child first. However, he hadn’t.

But she’d reached out. 

She’d made the first move, had taken steps to reassure him that she was better, had added a link to her profile at the University where she taught Art History, links to her and her husband’s social media profiles. 

And that, probably exactly like Seokmin, she most likely wasn’t bad for him.

Isidore encouraged him to text her back, maybe go for coffee somewhere public and with someone nearby he could call if he needed. But to text her back and see where it went.

Jeonghan truly felt like he was walking on air for the rest of that week. Not that sex was healing or some such nonsense, but he’d aired out some demons, reconnected, excuse the pun, with some friends, and he’d turned 33. Truly, a good week.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


It was unreal how much better one could feel after a few weeks of Pilates classes, courtesy of Esmeralda and Betsy’s babysitting vouchers. Jeonghan felt like someone had given him a new spine, it was such a good feeling.

It was worth it, he thought, as he held Seungkwan on one hip and Minghao on the other, both of them crying, and walked out of the clinic. They were protected, his spine was protected.

“Loves, you’re okay. It was just a small jab, it’s all over now, hm?” Jeonghan tried to reassure, smiling tersely at a lady who held the door for them, “And now we get to go home and decorate for Minghao’s birthday!” Talk about birthday season. He still needed to do Christmas shopping. Jun had promised to mind the kids that Sunday so Jeonghan could go and get their things.

And the final signing of the divorce papers was Thursday morning.

What a week. It was only Tuesday and Jeonghan had already been called into the school once to collect Seungkwan after a biting incident, gotten their inoculations updated, done the grocery shopping, wrapped Minghao’s presents, baked a cake. 

He got the kids, still upset, into the car, and handed them both a snack. “Eat up and have some water. When we get home, I don’t want to see any tears okay? You don’t want to upset our friends do you?”

They calmed down pretty quickly after that, and when they got home, Seungkwan raced around the house to put a balloon on every surface and Jeonghan got changed and put Minghao into a tiny jumper that said ‘One Year Down’, just in time to answer the door to Jun.

He handed him Minghao, dropped a kiss on his cheek and said, “This is a godfather trial, keep him calm while I get dinner. And if you can get him to say Appa, or any Chinese word meaning father I will love you forever. He, I’ve been assured it’s fine, but he’s a year and he hasn’t said anything yet, I’m, I’m maybe a little worried. Nothing meaning Mother,” Jeonghan swirled around from the oven pointing the knife at him, “I will gut you.”

Jun just smiled, moving Minghao into a better position and bending to ruffle Seungkwan’s hair. “Hello Seungkwan, I heard you got your jabs today.”

Seungkwan looked at him like he had four heads and Jeonghan shouted in from the kitchen, “He doesn’t speak Mandarin, Junnie!”

Jun sighed, “Do you want to learn some Mandarin, Seungkwan-ah?”

“Like an orange?” Seungkwan trailed after Jun into the sitting room and Jun shook his head.

“No, it’s a language like Korean or English. It’s my first language, and it’s one that Minghao-ya is going to learn. Do you want to learn too?”

Jeonghan tuned them out, darting around the kitchen putting things into the oven and prepping a salad. It was all finger food, and he’d only invited Jun, Mingyu, Jisoo and Seungcheol, so it wasn’t as if it was a big affair. But Jisoo had been acting weird lately, refusing lifts even though they were going for a walk together and leaving from the same road, avoiding being on the same couch as him, choosing to sit in an armchair if they had to sit in the same room, reluctant to touch him and hesitant for Hansol to be as cuddly with Jeonghan as he had been.

Jeonghan didn’t know what he’d done.

Hopefully he could apologise for whatever it was tonight and move forward. It hurt. They’d grown so close and he really didn’t want to lose another friend. 

Jeonghan answered the door to his neighbours and was greeted with two tense smiles and one ecstatic, “Hana!” from Hansol. Good old Hansol, never failed to put a smile on Jeonghan’s face.

“Come in! Hi Hansollie, it’s nice for someone to want to see me, hm?” Jeonghan didn’t mean to be snappish but come on. 

They came through to the living room, “You know Jun-ah, Junnie you remember Jisoo-ya and Seungcheol-ah and of course little Hansollie?”

Smiles got tighter.

Jeonghan smoothed hands down his jumper, he didn’t know what he’d done wrong, he didn’t know what to do. “I’ll get drinks. I have lemonade or coke? Water? There’s wine? Spirits? Tea? Coffee?-”

Jun reached to put a hand on Jeonghan’s hip, halting the list that would have kept going, “Whatever you’re having is fine with me.”

“We’ll have wine if that’s okay, Jeonghan-ah.” Seungcheol said, sitting down in the armchair and bouncing Hansol when he just whined for ‘Hana’.

Jeonghan flitted and then hurried into the kitchen, pouring drinks and biting his lip, why weren’t they, what had happened in three weeks? He racked his brain trying to figure out what he might have done wrong. 

Nothing came to mind.

They’d both been minding the kids, they’d gone for walks, he still had coffee with Seungcheol in work, there was nothing that had changed since October started so why was everything weird all of a sudden.

The doorbell rang and Jeonghan dashed to get it.

“Mingyu-ya, Thank god, I, everyone is being weird.” Jeonghan muttered, hugging him and then waiting to take his coat.

Mingyu looked at Jeonghan, puzzled, “Who’s being weird?”

“Jisoo and Seungcheol-ah. I don’t know what I did wrong?”

“I’m sure it was nothing, Hyung. And it’s Minghao’s birthday. Have you opened presents yet?”

“No, I was just about to bring in drinks, help me with the food?”

Mingyu followed him in, humming here and there as Jeonghan piled various plates and trays into his hands.

“Jun-hyung,” Mingyu started once most of the food had been eaten. The tone to his voice had Jeonghan on the edge of his chair, looking up from combing his fingers through Seungkwan’s hair. “Hyung tells me you run a strip club.”

Jun grinned, “I do, why, want to come visit?”

Mingyu shrugged one shoulder, “Do you strip?”

Jeonghan pursed his lips, of course, “Mingyu-ya, you have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, but as of Thursday morning you don’t, hyung, you should go! Have some fun!” Mingyu grinned and Jeonghan saw Seungcheol and Jisoo tense.

Jun laughed, taking a sip of his drink, Jeonghan felt like he was watching a carefully rehearsed film. “Jeonghannie doesn’t like strip clubs. He prefers dance floors. A different type of performance.”

“Junnie!” 

“What? Seungcheol-ah has the air of someone who’s stalked your Instagram page, he’s bound to have-” Jeonghan leaned over and pinched him. “-Bound to be curious! Stop, stop, stop! Mercy!!”

Jeonghan leaned back, “You’re a menace. Seungkwan-ah, you didn’t see that.”

“See what, Appa?”

“Exactly.”

“Are you single, hyung?” Mingyu pushed, and again, Jeonghan saw the Hong-Chois stiffen.

Jun offered him a smile, letting Minghao crawl into Jeonghan’s lap, “I don’t date. I don’t experience attraction like that.”

Mingyu made a noise of understanding and the conversation wandered into different directions after that, but Jisoo and Seungcheol stayed hyper focused on Jeonghan and Jun. 

Jeonghan tried to ignore it. Tried to distract himself with opening presents, Minghao in the circle of his legs, stuffing wrapping paper happily into his mouth, Jeonghan oohing over each gift; blankets from Mingyu, teething toys from Jun, edible paints from Jisoo and Seungcheol. Seungkwan brought over the present that they had wrapped that weekend, and helped Minghao to open it. They’d gotten him a set of water sieve toys and a pretty little swim set. Yes. Jeonghan, Minghao and Seungkwan were going to be taking swimming lessons.

Minghao started to get tetchy, and crawled away from Jeonghan, hiding behind Seungcheol’s legs. Jeonghan hid a smile, getting Seungkwan to help him tidy up. He knew Jun had to leave soon, so he wrapped him up some leftovers - Seungkwan was going through a ‘I can taste reheated food and I hate it’ phase.

Jun was standing when Jeonghan came back in, “Hannie, I’d better head. I promised Soonyoungie that I’d ring him tonight- Has he been in touch yet?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No, it’s fine, I get it. There’s some stuff for you in the kitchen. Give him my love anyway? Olive branch?”

“Of course, I’ll chip away at him. He’s just, you know him. Right. Where’s my little Hao-Hao? Did I pass the godfather test?” Jun turned and knelt beside Seungcheol’s legs, hands out for Minghao to crawl into.

Jeonghan hummed, “I don’t know Junnie. We’ll see. Just means you’ll have to come back, hey?”

Jun cuddled Minghao close, whispering to him, voice too low for Jeonghan to catch. It was sweet. It- it warmed his heart to see his friends with his kids. Jun passed Minghao off to Jeonghan and kissed them both on the cheek.

“Thanks for having me over, it means a lot. And thanks for the food! Talk to you soon, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, drive safe.”

Jun hadn’t been gone ten minutes when Minghao really started fussing and Jeonghan had to look at the others with a smile. “I’m sorry folks, I think we’re gonna have to cut this short. Somebody is a little tired. We’re both very happy that you came. And Minghao will really enjoy your gifts, and if he won’t, I think Kwannie might,” Jeonghan said with a smile to where Seungkwan was intently reading the back of the edible paint box. “Anyway thanks for coming.”

They left, without the usual hugs and cheek kisses he’d grown accustomed to and Jeonghan stewed all through their bedtime routines. He didn’t _think_ he’d done something wrong. He didn’t _believe_ he’d done anything wrong. But all the signs pointed to him having upset them.

  
  


“-and I don’t know what I’ve done wrong.” Jeonghan sighed, sitting in Isidore’s office on Wednesday afternoon.

Isidore just raised an eyebrow. “You don’t have any idea of what may have upset them?”

“No!”

“Right. Okay. When did Jisoo and Seungcheol start acting differently?”

“The week after my birthday.”

“Okay. And did anything unusual happen in the week of your birthday?” Isidore raised their eyebrows.

Jeonghan shifted uncomfortably, “I mean. Junnie and Seokminnie came to my party and we spent the night together? But why would that upset them? We’re friends?”

“Can you think of why that might upset them? As friends.”

“The divorce only goes through tomorrow? There were two of them? I hadn’t seen them in ages? But Isidore, it’s not like it was a one night stand, I wouldn’t do that, and they’re my friends, this is how we’ve always been? And it’s not really any of their business?”

“But emotions don’t work like that, Jeonghan. You know that.”

Emotions don’t ever follow a normal curve. They just do whatever the hell they want to do. Jeonghan pondered the truth of this as he signed each page of his divorce agreement. The lawyer had come straight from the prison, so Hyunil’s signatures were on each page.

Jeonghan knew he should feel happy. People in movies always danced out of divorce offices or smiled or laughed or acted ecstatic. He wanted to cry. 

His lawyer was lovely, but when she asked him for the engagement ring back, Jeonghan wanted to scream. He loved that ring. He nodded, looking down at his hands, would it even come off?

It was delicate and gold, with three diamonds plaited into the gold. They’d picked it out together, spending every Saturday morning for weeks in and out of jewellery shops until they’d found one that they both loved. Hyunil had a matching one. Had had. He’d lost it a few years back, taken it off in a hotel bathroom and they thought it may have slipped down the drain. 

He slipped it off his finger, and with it any last hope he may have had that they could fix it.

The lawyer just smiled gently and opened an envelope for him to drop it into. They were keeping their wedding rings. Jeonghan was going to put it in a keepsake box and forget about it. He put it into another envelope and into his bag.

He really wanted to cry now. 

And so in the car on the way back to work, he did. Bawled his eyes out at every red light, pulled into the car park and just scrunched up into a ball, wrinkling his shirt, and cried.

Cried until all of his tears dried up and then sat up. Wiped his face. Patted on powder. Took a deep breath and drank half a bottle of water. When his face had stopped looking so flushed, he got out of the car, bought a coffee from the café just beside work, and went into the office.

He was single.

  
  


That afternoon, while they were having lunch, Seungcheol congratulated him quietly on the divorce. And then, "Jisoo-ya and I were wondering." Seungcheol stopped, fiddling with the handle of his coffee mug.

Jeonghan put his own down and leaned back in his desk chair. Maybe he’d spill what was eating at them. "Yes?"

"We saw this ad for a ballroom and latin dance thing. LGBTQ Social Dancing. It's in that Municipal Dance Centre in town just after New Years. Organised by some champion or another. We're crap, but you really love it. Would you consider going? It would be a bit of fun. Only if you want, you don't have to, it was a silly idea, I'm sorry-" 

"I'd love to." 

"You can say no, I'm being silly, Jisoo-ya should never have let me- Wait. You said yes?"

Jeonghan smiled and nodded, "I'd love to.

"Really?"

"Yeah. Dancing is one of my favourite things in the entire world. I'm not going to let him ruin that. Some of my favourite moments in that relationship were on the dance floor. It holds few bad memories. And I'm sure watching you two be disasters will erase those."

“That’s amazing-”

“Provided you stop acting weird. I don’t know what I’ve done to upset you and it’s upsetting me.” There. He’d said it. He felt like his entire lunch was going to come up, but he’d said it. He held his breath.

Seungcheol’s face went carefully blank and Jeonghan felt his stomach sink. “I didn’t realise it was affecting you. I’m sorry. Jisoo-ya and I are working through some things at the moment. I’m sure neither of us meant to take them out on you.”

Well now he felt self-centred and cruel. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Seungcheol lightened, “Don’t be. We’ll be fine, just a sticky patch.”

It must have been the truth, for Joshua apologised the next time he saw him and drew Jeonghan into a tight hug. 

Things went back to normal.

And it was good that they did, because Christmas was careening towards them at speed and it was all Jeonghan could do to hold on, buy presents and try not to think about how he was going to get through his first Christmas without his husband.

  
  
  


~

  
  
  


Seungkwan ran into Jeonghan’s bedroom with a scream and jumped on the bed. “Appa Appa Appa!! Appa!!! Apppaaaaaa!!!!!!!!”

Jeonghan reached for him and pulled him down under his chin, “Shush my little fairy, sleep time.”

“No!! It’s Christmas!!! We have to get up!!! Santa came last night, Appa, can we please get up and see what he brought? Appa! Appa!!! It’s Christmas!!!!” Seungkwan ripped free and bounced around the bedroom. Jeonghan rolled over and muffled a scream into the pillow. He looked at the alarm clock.

**05.59**

59 minutes later than last Christmas. Winning.

“Ten more minutes, baby. Ten more minutes. Come in here beside me. We can make your favourites.”

Seungkwan flopped down beside him within seconds, “Baked egg danish with kimchi and bacon?”

Why had he raised such a foodie? Did they even have kimchi? “Yes love, whatever you’d like.”

“Appa,” Seungkwan whispered, “I think it’s been longer than ten minutes.”

Jeonghan hummed, opened his eyes again and looked at the clock. 6.45. Unreal. Truly winning this Christmas. “You’re so good. Okay, we can get up now if you want?”

That was some sort of play button because Seungkwan leaped out of bed and started some sort of war dance around the bedroom. Jeonghan hauled himself out of bed and wrapped his robe around him tightly. The heating hadn’t turned on yet. He grabbed the camera and opened his door.

“Shall we wake Minghao-ya?”

Seungkwan was already in his bedroom, hands reaching through the bars of his cot, “Minghao!! Little brother!! Wake up!! IT’S CHRISTMAS!!!!!!”

Jeonghan pressed record and let the camera dangle on its strap. “Hey little prince. Wakey wakey. I promise you can have a nap later. Okay?”

“Appa!!!”

“Kwannie let me change your brother okay? Why don’t you go to the toilet too, and then we can do presents?” Jeonghan picked Minghao up and set the camera down on the window sill. “No snow. Sorry baby.”

“That’s okay Appa, Miss Guiney said we don’t really get snow for Christmas. Maybe in March.”

Jeonghan watched him walk out of the nursery, bemused. He did love his kids.

They walked down the stairs hand in hand, Seungkwan hiding behind Jeonghan’s legs. “Appa is it safe?”

Jeonghan stepped into the front room and turned on the light, “It is. Oh look! Someone ate the-”

“Santa came!!!” Seungkwan pulled away from Jeonghan with a screech, “He came!! And he drank the milk and ate the mince pie, look there are crumbs all over the floor!! What a messy Santa!”

Jeonghan sat down on the couch, putting Minghao gently down onto the floor and setting the camera up on a table. 

Seungkwan was overjoyed, staring at the presents with wide eyes and hands over his mouth. “So many Legos, Appa!”

“Do you want to look inside your stocking?” Jeonghan had been up all night wrapping and arranging gifts, having to run next door to get the presents off Betsy where he’d hid them all. Kids found everything. They’d gotten stockings made for them when they’d adopted each child. Mostly insanity. But still, he was glad.

Seungkwan took the stocking down and sat on the floor, pulling out sweets and small card games and an action figure and a barbie doll; oohing and aahing with each new treat.

“Appa? Can we open Minghao-ya’s presents?”

Oh his son was so good. “Of course we can, Minghao-sweetie? Look what Santa brought you!” 

A beautiful grey wooden walker with his name on the base. The base part was filled with different coloured and shaped wooden blocks, they could be rearranged to create pictures and faces and people, and there was a string of colourful beads on the front half. So many of the toys that Minghao played with had belonged to Seungkwan, and he didn’t really need much else. Jeonghan was careful of spoiling them. But this was so charming and elegant, and besides, Seungkwan’s walker had been destroyed from years of use.

Minghao touched it with wide eyes and Seungkwan held it steady while he slowly stood up and gripped the handlebar. A big smile broke out over his face and he looked at Jeonghan, “Abbaa!”

“Yes love, do you like your present? Did Santa choose well?”

Minghao wiggled back and forth, “Abba!! Abbaba!”

“I’m glad sweetie. Let’s see what’s in your stocking, shall we?” Jeonghan took the stocking down and placed it on his lap, handing items to Minghao for him to coo at. A few teething toys in different shapes. There was a duck, one that looked like gingerbread, another that looked like a cat and one that was a santa. A pile of slippy socks in different colours, Minghao was starting to stand and he had very little balance. And some blocks with Mandarin characters. When Seungkwan was one they’d gotten him the same with Korean characters, they were still floating around the house.

They opened their presents from Jeonghan after a very elaborate breakfast. Seungkwan got his kimchi danish, and was utterly delighted. Jeonghan got them clothes. Pyjamas and snazzy Christmas outfits, a heap of t-shirts and leggings for Minghao, and a new raincoat for Seungkwan, yellow with tiny ducks all over it. And some books.

They loved them.

Jeonghan had the dinner on, the turkey had gone in immediately after breakfast, and the kids were playing with their gifts, when the doorbell rang. Jeonghan put down the ladle, wiped his hands on a tea towel and went to get it. They weren’t expecting anybody.

His mother stood on the doorstep, bags in her hands and a smile on her face. “Jeonghannie!! Sweetheart, Merry Christmas!”

Jeonghan froze.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in? It’s Christmas.” She smiled and Jeonghan’s social niceties took over. He opened the door further and she walked past, brushing against him like he was part of the furniture.

The kids screeched. “Gramma!! Happy Christmas!!”

Jeonghan closed the door slowly and took a deep breath. She’d probably be staying for dinner. He had enough food. He could do this. It would only be a few hours.

She’d brought awful gifts. Cheap, plasticky things with too many parts. Jeonghan was gratified when Seungkwan just thanked her and picked up a book to read to Minghao instead. He’d make sure they were child safe later.

Dinner was okay. Jeonghan spent most of it helping Minghao eat, and making sure Seungkwan didn’t eat too fast. The food was delicious, he always enjoyed his food, but he couldn’t quite finish anything. His mother’s looks and sharp comments over the dryness of the turkey and the quality of the cranberry sauce making his stomach tighten up. He tried to ignore them, tried to distract himself with the children, but the moment they went back to play, she just got nastier.

“Letting them leave the table before we’re finished? What sort of children are you raising?”

“We’re finished eating dinner, Mother. They’ll come back for dessert. They’re just children.” He started to clear the table, scraping the remains onto one plate.

Seonghan leaned back in her chair, the wood creaking, “You’ve gained weight. Letting yourself go now that you have nobody to keep you in check?”

Jeonghan clattered the plates down on the counter, opening the dishwasher jerkily. That wasn’t fair. He was healthier than he’d been in ages, he did Pilates every week and they went swimming every weekend, and he’d taken up running like Isidore had suggested. He’d gained muscle. Not fat. And not that much muscle either, his body just didn’t take it. But he wasn’t fat.

“Nothing to say for yourself? And you completely abandoned me. Such a pathetic son,” She sounded so fond, “So useless. Can’t even keep a husband. Couldn’t even be a good husband without help you truly are-”

“Get out of my house.” Jeonghan turned to face her and gripped the counter.

“It’s not your house you ungrateful creature.” She spat at him and Jeonghan took a deep breath.

“Get. Out. Of. My. House.”

Seonghan just crossed her legs, “Oh the useless boy finally grew a pair did he? Why should I? You’re my son. Useless and fat as you are, I haven’t had dessert yet. Is that any way to treat your mother?”

Tears started to well up in Jeonghan’s eyes, he couldn’t take much more of this. “You’re no mother of mine. Get out of my house before I call the police.”

She stood, “It’s not your house.”

“As a matter of fact, it is. Did he tell you on one of your cosy chats that we’re divorced now? That I got full custody of both of my beautiful children? That the entire house is mine? That I have unconditional child support until Minghao turns 18? That I changed the kids names, they’re both Yoons now. Get out of my house and stay out of my life. You ruined my sister’s life, you don’t need to ruin mine too.” The entire time he’d been talking, he’d been backing her out of the house and when he finished, he slammed the door, sliding down the inside of it and pressing his hands against his eyes.

He stood up. He filled the dishwasher. He brought out the tiny one person pudding and the bowls of ice cream for the children. He called them back in, explained that Gramma had to go, and that she wouldn’t be back. Seungkwan just nodded and patted his head. He lit the pudding. They ate dessert.

They all changed into their Christmas pyjamas and Jeonghan put on Miracle on 34th Street. What else could he do?

The only upside of his mother ruining their day, was that the kids hadn’t asked for their father once. Well. Was he even worthy of the title anymore? Jeonghan let them both snuggle in beside him that night, Christmas music playing quietly in the background. 

It was nearly eight months since he’d slept beside his husband. Nearly eight months since the kids had seen him. Nearly eight months since they’d properly talked. And as the weeks and months had passed he missed him less. He still missed him. When his whole body ached and he wanted to be held tightly, when the kids wouldn’t stop crying and he wanted someone to take over, when he needed the bathroom but he was trying to do the shopping. The most ridiculous times.

But really, he had more help now then he’d ever had. More support than he’d ever had. He could call his neighbours, Jisoo or Seungcheol, Jun or Seokmin, Mingyu or even Chan if he was really stuck. They were all always happy to talk to him or help or give advice. And Isidore was amazing. He really didn’t know what he would have done without them.

And next week he was going dancing with Seungcheol and Jisoo. Dancing! Jeonghan smiled and snuggled down beside his children. He didn’t need to dwell any further on his ex.


	3. Section 3

_ Now this moment where you fall asleep by my side?  
_ _ Oh oh oh oh paradise _

  
  
  


~ _january_ ~

  
  
  


To say that Jeonghan was frazzled when Mingyu arrived at the door would be an understatement. So he was majorly relieved when his first words were, “I’ll cook. Go get ready. Don’t worry about the kids, I’ve got them.”

Jeonghan could have kissed him. “Mingyu-ya you’re a lifesaver, thank you.” 

He didn’t even have anything ironed, never mind a concrete idea of what he was going to wear. The last two times he’d been dancing, his hus- his ex-husband had picked out his clothes. Well, it was fair to say, and Isidore agreed, that he was to pick out his outfit tonight based purely on how he wanted to feel. He wanted to feel attractive. And masculine. And pretty. 

He opened his wardrobe and stared. He could do this. Dancing clothes, so that ruled the jeans out. Masculine clothes, so that probably ruled out anything flared and swingy. Pretty clothes, so that ruled out .. nothing. He didn’t own ugly clothing. 

There was a gorgeous grey tapered suit that he’d bought in a closing down sale of a popular menswear brand, oh some two years ago? Before they’d started Minghao’s adoption process anyway. It was still unworn. That would do nicely.

Jeonghan stuck on his ‘Fever’ playlist and started ironing. This was going to be fun. He’d done a tiny bit of research and it was being organised by a few queer professional dancers and they were going to be putting on displays between social sessions. Ballroom and latin, men and women. It was going to be fantastic. 

Shower.

Shave.

Teeth.

Makeup?

It was a safe LGBTQ+ space. And he hadn’t properly worn lipstick in so long and he had that MAC one his husband had gotten him, it was such a pretty red. Gay Red. 

Or the one Jun had gotten him for Christmas. ‘Confidence’. That was probably a better bet. 

He did his makeup carefully, keeping everything light and subtle until he started lining his eyes. He was going to wing them, so he took a breath and drew carefully, drawing his hand away from his face when it started to shake. Eyeliner was so hard.

Once they both matched, he put on mascara and finished everything else but his lips. Lips for Last.

He checked the time, only 7.15 pm. Not too bad. Jisoo and Seungcheol were dropping Hansol over at 7.20 and they were leaving at half past. They were getting dinner first, just something quick, and then onto the dance hall.

Jeonghan danced around the room in his underwear, barely holding back a wild stream of excited giggles. He couldn’t wait.

Jeonghan heard the doorbell just as he was slipping his dance shoes, polished the previous night, into a shoe bag. He slicked on lipstick and then grabbed his clutch. He didn’t care if handbags were a girly thing. He had lipstick, a phone, a wallet and house keys. Where was he supposed to put them? His pockets? And ruin the line of his trousers? No, sirree.

Jeonghan couldn’t stop chattering with excitement the entire car journey there, and all through dinner, not just about dancing, about other things, but mainly about dancing. He was just! So! Excited! Jisoo and Seungcheol nodded in the right places and finally explained their disastrous wedding first dance. Apparently one of Jisoo’s sisters had it on video and only by virtue of her living in Korea and therefore safe from a fire, was it still in existence.

They arrived at the venue and paid their attendance fee, Jeonghan pushing Jisoo and Seungcheol’s hands away when they tried to pay for their own. Not a chance. 

It was crowded. Lots of suits and dresses and rainbow flags stuck on all the walls. The dance floor was already full, dozens of couples whirling around to a Viennese waltz, Jeonghan’s feet itched to get on the floor.

“I only really follow.” Jeonghan had to admit a little while after they arrived. They’d been trying to ask him to teach them, but he’d never been good at that. 

“That’s okay! I’m sure you can find someone to dance with! We can do a waltz, we did it at our wedding. I’m sure it’s still there. You can dance with us, we both learnt lead, and just improvised the follow part.” Seungcheol winked and Jisoo groaned, leaning into his side and covering his face.

“It was a disaster.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad!” Jeonghan tried but the two of them just shook their heads. “Okay okay, I’ll have to see it to believe it then.”

At that moment someone tapped Jeonghan on the shoulder, saying “Jeonghan-hyung?” in Korean. Jeonghan whirled around taking a step back. He knew that voice.

“...Soonyoung-ah?”

“Ohh my God it is you! I’m so sorry about everything, I just, I didn’t want to do this online and Junnie said you were okay, Seokminnie said you were okay, that they’d seen you and spoken and stuff but I don’t know I didn’t really believe them. I’m sorry. I’m really- oh” Soonyoung looked behind him and caught sight of Seungcheol and Jisoo. “Hyung?”

“Ah Soonyoungie, why didn’t you believe them, hm? I’m sorry. And yes, I’m divorced,” Jeonghan raised his bare hand. Do not cry. Damn it. He brought his hand to cover his face, “I’m sorry, I missed you~”

Soonyoung carefully enveloped him in a hug, “I don’t know, worried I suppose. Congratulations Hannie. I missed you too. We can catch up properly, yeah? Introduce me?”

Jeonghan squeezed him tight before stepping back. “Soonyoung-ah, these are my neighbours, Seungcheol and Jisoo Hong-Choi. This is Kwon Soonyoung. I didn’t look up the hosts or I would have realised. We went to college together. He’s, well, last time we talked you’d won your second European dance title?”

“I’ve five now,” Soonyoung sketched a bow, “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for taking care of hyung. Have you danced before?”

“We did a waltz at our wedding but it was disastrous. Apparently Jeonghan dances tango?” Jisoo smiled mischievously and Soonyoung laughed, loud and astonished.

“Dances tango? He won so many competitions! Why you didn’t go pro, I still don’t, well. We all know why. But you should have!! Watching you and Hyunil,” Soonyoung dropped the honorific, “may he never grace our space again, watching you dance was like watching art. When was the last time you danced, hyung?”

Jeonghan’s face shuttered and Seungcheol was quick to put a hand on his arm, a silent ‘you’re okay’. Jeonghan looked at him gratefully. He was mostly okay. But some things? Some things just made him feel like complete and utter shite.

Soonyoung looked distraught, “I’m sorry-”

“It’s fine. I just, it wasn’t nice. And 33 weeks ago. I’ve missed it. I’ve been waiting for tonight all month! I’ve been dancing around the house with the kids nearly every minute, I really can’t wait to get on the dance floor!” Jeonghan beamed, bouncing back quickly, and looking around the room to see if anyone looked like they needed a partner.

Soonyoung drew his attention back to him quickly, “Please let me dance with you?” Soonyoung begged and Jeonghan darted a look to Seungcheol and Jisoo. They just smiled at him.

“Please say yes, Jeonghan-ah! We want to see you dance!!” Seungcheol was nearly vibrating with excitement and Jeonghan ducked his head and smiled. He’d wanted to feel attractive and pretty. Showing off was potentially the best place to start.

“That would be amazing.” Jeonghan looked at Soonyoung, breaking out into a beaming smile.

Soonyoung reached for Jeonghan’s hand. A waltz set was in the middle of playing, “Shall we dance?”

“We shall.” Jeonghan smiled, taking his hand and stepping close. Waltz could be danced close or ‘with room for Jesus’, it depended generally on the follower. Close was neater and the norm most days, but at distance was considered polite. As in all ballroom dancing, what way you danced was up to whoever was following. Jeonghan stepped close and rested his free hand high on Soonyoung’s shoulder. 

Soonyoung beamed, his hand fanning out carefully on Jeonghan’s shoulder blade as he sunk into a proper dancing frame, back slightly arched away from Soonyoung, head turned to Jisoo and Seungcheol, and a small smile playing on his lips. He shifted his weight onto his left foot as Soonyoung counted them in and then they were off.

Soonyoung led him in a quick turn and then onto the dance floor proper. The music had been mostly ballroom remixes since they’d arrived but ‘Moonriver’ had just started. Waltz abcs really. It was gentle and easy and Soonyoung was such a good lead, Jeonghan was hardly paying attention to what they were doing.

He couldn’t stop smiling.

It had been so long since he’d danced, and it was so good to see Soonyoung again, even if he was hurt that he hadn’t responded to his texts. They’d have to catch up properly.

They finished the song near the DJ, and Soonyoung pulled away just long enough to ask them to play one of his favourite tracks for a hesitation waltz and then go into a tango set.

Hesitation waltz had always been a favourite of Jeonghan. It was so simple, the strategy of pausing at specific moments of the music in order to show off a frame or just your outfits or how well you matched, Hyunil had loved it because he got to flaunt Jeonghan. And, well Jeonghan couldn’t really fault him for that.

While he was best known for his sambas and rumbas, Soonyoung loved, at least when Jeonghan had known him, a simple hesitation waltz.

So to say that by the time they whirled past Seungcheol and Jisoo, their mouths were open and their eyes falling out of their heads was an understatement. Jeonghan laughed and Soonyoung spun him gracefully before bringing him back in.

“So, tell me anything and everything!”

“Had you met Seungkwan-ah?”

“No, I, no I hadn’t.”

“He’s six in two weeks. And Minghao turned one in November,” Jeonghan’s face lit up as it always did while talking about his babies, “Seungkwan wants to be a singer. At least he did this morning. Last week it was a mechanic. And Minghao is one of the most precious things that has ever happened to me. I’m sorry we fell out of touch Soonyoung-ah, I seem to have fallen out of touch with everyone.”

“I don’t think it’s your fault, hyung. But we should have tried harder. I never liked him.”

Jeonghan blinked back tears.

“But I’d love to meet your babies? And maybe you’ll introduce me to these neighbours of yours?” Soonyoung raised an eyebrow, “They’re mighty fine, hyung?”

“They’re married to each other. Eyes off.” Jeonghan didn’t snap.

“Oh not for me. Take your horns in. I’m happily married, thank you very much.”

“What is it with you lot and insisting that they like me? They’re happily married Soonyoung-ah- wait what? Did you say you were married? What? How? Who?” Jeonghan snapped his head around to stare at Soonyoung.

He laughed, “Well, when a man loves a man very much-”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow and Soonyoung laughed, “Lee Jihoon, music producer from Korea. Three years now.”

“Send me photos?”

“Of course.”

The music stopped and the DJ announced a tango set, adding that “Kwon Soonyoung and Yoon Jeonghan would be on the floor, so if anyone wished to see tango done properly, it would be a good time to watch. Kwon Soonyoung is, of course, the current European Latin Champion, he holds the title five times now. For those of you who remember further back than 10 years, you may remember Yoon Jeonghan as the rising star of queer tango. He partnered solely with Hyunil Boo so this will be such a treat! It’s been a long time since we’ve seen him dance, and I for one am excited!”

Jeonghan blushed a dark red and hid his face in Soonyoung’s neck for a beat. “They exaggerate. Who is that?”

“Vincent Cheng. He did-” Soonyoung started, pressing him close to his chest with gentle fingertips up his spine.

“Viennese waltz? Didn’t he break his leg or something?” Jeonghan asked, draping his arm across Soonyoung’s back, hooking his thumb over his shoulder and leaving his head on Soonyoung’s shoulder.

“Yeah, exactly. He teaches now, he’s really good.”

“What if I mess up?”

“You won’t. And most people won’t notice,” Soonyoung gently shifted Jeonghan’s stance with a hand at his collar, “I forgot how close you danced tango.” 

“Sorry?” Jeonghan tensed as if to pull back but Soonyoung kept him there, steady. His hands bled warmth into Jeonghan’s skin.

“Don’t be. You look amazing by the way. This suit is unreal on you.”

“Thank you. It’s it’s first time out.”

Soonyoung hissed, “You look gorgeous. Ready?”

“The dance floor is nearly empty?”

“Ignore it, relax, concentrate on me.”

“Oh! El Tango de Roxanne! Oh I love this!” Jeonghan beamed as the music started and Soonyoung smiled.

“Me too! Oh this is going to be so much fun!”

It was. Soonyoung’s leading style was so much quieter than Hyunil. Steady, controlled, small movements. Soonyoung was creating lots of opportunities for Jeonghan to show  _ him _ off, instead of just framing Jeonghan. Because yes, the lead was the frame and the follower was the picture, but the frame could be gilded too. And it was queer tango, why shouldn’t it be reverse dynamic?

The song changed into Alcoba Azul, from Frida, and Jeonghan could feel Soonyoung vibrating behind him, they’d ended back to chest. He took a deep breath, letting the beat settle into his bones before pushing away from Soonyoung and stepping around behind him, wrapping their closed hands to Soonyoung’s stomach and pulling him tight to his chest. Right on the chord.

Soonyoung’s intake of breath was sharp, and audible, but Jeonghan only bent his knees and undulated a tiny bit, trusting that the great Soonyoung would go with it. Such a good film.

He did.

Jeonghan smiled as he pressed his nose to the back of Soonyoung’s neck for a split second before trailing his nose along Soonyoung’s shoulder and stepping around to face him head on, handing back the lead with two neat weight changes.

Soonyoung’s face was an open book. He looked amazed, as was evidenced by the short sequence of 8 steps while he got back his brain. 

And boy oh boy did he get back his brain.

For a while it was pretty but relatively easy. He danced them into a more open hold, keeping Jeonghan at an arm’s length for several beats, walking them around the room in a fancy promenade, pausing at the corner for a very pretty cutted ochos on a decorative beat, Jeonghan’s leg snapping up high on Soonyoung’s back. Jeonghan started to giggle quietly, pressing his lips closed to contain it.

“I forgot you danced like this.” Soonyoung murmured into his ear as he hooked his leg under Jeonghan’s and flicked it up. The music was ending with a lovely crescendo and Jeonghan smiled.

“So did I.” 

The song changed into something slow and sassy and Soonyoung laughed into Jeonghan’s hair. “This is La Casada. It was banned from last year’s competition playlist. Vincent was so pissed.” Jeonghan couldn’t imagine why. Maybe the techno elements. Either way, the music was the perfect blend of techno and steady beats to have a flick or a hook from one of them every three beats. And everyone knew that the more flicks and hooks that were in an argentine tango, the more enjoyable it was to watch. Tango was performative after all.

The next song was a slow and sultry techno piece and Soonyoung weaved Jeonghan in and out of move after move, Jeonghan laughing his way through a complex combination and basic step in equal joy.

The final song of the set was ‘Pa’ Bailar’ and it was one of Jeonghan’s all time favourites. He hid a smile in Soonyoung’s collar and danced normally for a few bars before speeding through a series of flicks and waiting, hands tangled in Soonyoung’s, for him to twist himself around.

And then Jeonghan took over.

He leaned forward slightly, shifting Soonyoung’s weight onto his back foot, slipping his hand down from his bicep to his elbow and hooking his own fingers over Soonyoung’s shoulder blade.

Soonyoung stared at him, eyes wide. Jeonghan had been known for not leading. Hyunil had always led.

But Soonyoung forgot. Forgot that he always took 18 bars out of a set and threw the dynamics up in the air. Jeonghan forgave him. It had been so long since the last time he’d done it that he’d nearly forgotten. Forgotten that queer tango done well involved lots of lead changes and dynamic swapping. Gay couples weren’t playing parodies of straight relationships after all, why should one always lead and another always follow?

Clearly Soonyoung didn’t follow often. His dance partner was a woman after all. His steps were hesitant, and while he gave his weight to Jeonghan easily, it was always with a shaky support leg. Jeonghan pushed his leg into a slow sacada, circling it out around their bodies.

“Shush, you’re fine, we’re both out of practice,” Jeonghan whispered and Soonyoung nodded. “Trust me?” 

Jeonghan set a crisp stride around the room, pushing gently back with his hand on Soonyoung’s shoulder and holding his other hand tightly. He walked to the piano beat, weaving left and right and left and right until Soonyoung just closed his eyes and trusted. Jeonghan led differently to Soonyoung or even Hyunil. Less dancing the lead steps and more dancing the followers steps in reverse. It was totally at odds with how Soonyoung led.

Jeonghan indicated for a cross, pushing lightly and Soonyoung went easy. Changing weight again and again until Jeonghan paused, dragging Soonyoung’s foot across into the leader prep position for one of the most basic steps, just as the music started a flurry. He started laughing; airy laughter peeling around the room, making Soonyoung smile widely. It was fun.

Soonyoung took back the lead and Jeonghan over-embellished the entire end sequence with a series of flicks that went higher and higher up Soonyoung’s back until Soonyoung had to dip him, and the music vanished from underneath them.

Soonyoung stared down at him in awe and the room burst into applause. Jeonghan blushed red and laughed, hiding his face in Soonyoung’s collar as he pulled him up.

“You were amazing!” Soonyoung vibrated, drawing him close as the music started up again.

Jeonghan giggled, “I forgot we were being watched.”

The last song of the set was a fast almost flamenco type orchestral one, and Jeonghan fell into an almost trance state, responding immediately to every change in pressure of Soonyoung’s hand in his or fingertips on his back, so much so that they glided through a tricky twist and into the doble frentes without so much as a blink. Soonyoung invited every move instead of commanding it, but yet, by the end, Jeonghan was quiet and focused, leaning on Soonyoung heavily.

Soonyoung led him off the floor, over to where Seungcheol and Jisoo were standing at the bar, drinks in hand and eyes wide.

“You said you danced, you didn’t say you could fly across the floor?” Seungcheol managed to find his words first.

Jeonghan smiled, but leaned into Soonyoung. Soonyoung just kept his arm around him, steadying him. Once they’d started dating, Jeonghan had only danced with Hyunil. To an extent that in retrospect was over-the-top, but at the time it had been cute and intimate. Jeonghan had always been weird after dancing, quiet and subdued, generally hiding in Hyunil’s chest for a while. Nobody had ever addressed it, and Hyunil used to just wrap an arm around him and hold him. 

So he just curled into Soonyoung, quiet and relaxed. Soonyoung hummed, “That was so fun!! I haven’t followed in years that was amazing! And that Frida piece? I nearly lost my mind-”

“We both lost our minds,” Jisoo fanned himself, “I knew tango was a sexy dance but I didn’t  _ know _ that. You two are so amazing, I’m still in shock.”

Soonyoung cackled, “That was so fun! We should do a quickstep next! There are a few other dancers here from my circle, I think you’d really like dancing with them. There’s this woman who only leads, you two would look so pretty together.”

Jeonghan hummed, words still somewhere on the dance floor, that sounded amazing.

“We were going to order you two drinks but we didn’t want to presume.” Seungcheol asked with a smile, still astonished.

“Oh you’re too kind!” Soonyoung smiled, “I’ll have a coke? I would drink but I’m driving.”

Jeonghan coughed and straightened slowly, “Can I have soda water and lime?” 

Seungcheol nodded, “Of course. I’ll be right back.”

“So, Jisoo-ssi-” Soonyoung’s phone rang loudly and he checked it, “Sorry! It’s my husband, I’d better take this. I’ll catch you later?” Jeonghan smiled and squeezed his hand and Soonyoung hurried after Seungcheol.

Jisoo looked at Jeonghan carefully. “You were amazing.”

“Thank you! I hadn’t realised how much I’d missed it.” 

“Do you feel okay? You look a little-” Jisoo stepped closer as Jeonghan wobbled slightly and steadied Jeonghan with a hand on his waist. 

Jeonghan nodded, he hadn’t realised how heavily he’d been leaning on Soonyoung. “Thanks. I’m a bit quiet. But that’s normal after I dance, I’m always quiet. I’ll be fine in a little bit. Did you recognise any of the steps?”

“Vaguely? Was that a whisk at the beginning of the waltz?”

“Yes! Well done for remembering. Box step is the basic,”Jeonghan started leaning absently into him, “it can get you anywhere if you use it properly, then a whisk is one of the turns and then a chasse is the more purposeful walk bit, the one that has the clasped hands out ahead of you like a steering wheel.”

“Oh, I think I vaguely remember that from our lessons. Do you think you could teach us a bit? It would be really fun to dance with you?” Jisoo asked and Jeonghan nodded, more confident now, before they both got distracted by a professional couple doing a charleston. Jeonghan didn’t know when Jisoo’s personal combination of deodorant and aftershave had become such a reassuring scent but somehow it had. He went to pull away, reluctantly, when Seungcheol came back with their drinks, but Jisoo just tightened his grip on Jeonghan’s waist for a split second and Jeonghan stayed. 

Seungcheol handed him a glass with a smile, seemingly uncaring of where his husband’s hand was curled above Jeonghan’s hipbone; so Jeonghan relaxed and took the glass gratefully. 

Soonyoung came bounding over, “Sorry! Sorry! I’ve just been nabbed for a samba. I’ll catch you before I go, promise. There are lots of other brilliant dancers here, you should dance a few more sets! And if you two want to practice I’m sure we can do something. Have you danced before?”

“Only disastrously at our wedding.” Jisoo huffed.

“Who led?”

“Me.” “Me.”

Soonyoung laughed, “That’s probably why! Well the box step is easy and there’s a waltz set after this one, Jeonghan-hyung you can teach them that can’t you?”

“I can try,” Jeonghan pulled away from Jisoo to wrap Soonyoung in a quick hug. “Thanks for everything!”

“We’ll swap phone numbers before you leave, okay? I want to see the kids? If I can?”

“Of course. Can’t wait.”

“See you later,” Soonyoung pressed a kiss to Jeonghan’s cheek, sweeping his hair behind his ear, “take care.” And then he was striding across the dance floor to whirl a young woman into a spinning lift.

“He’s intense.” Jisoo said with a smile, putting his glass on the counter.

“He was always intense. Protective. Him, Junnie and Seokmin are much the same that way. Fell out of touch,” Jeonghan sipped from his glass slowly, “I feel awful.”

“I don’t think he’d want you to feel awful, Jeonghannie,” Seungcheol insisted, and Jeonghan looked at him. Jeonghannie. That was new. “Finish your drink, I want you to see how awful we are!”

“You still have to wait for the music to change!” Jeonghan laughed, “but I can show you the box step, I suppose.”

The waltz set started up, and Jeonghan directed Seungcheol into a practice hold, hands on each other’s forearms.

“Okay now step forward with your left foot, and then right with your right foot, and together. Yes! Now, back with your right foot just like we practiced, and left with your left foot, and together. Perfect! Now do it again.” Jeonghan smiled and Seungcheol stared at his forehead, tongue trapped between his teeth.

After two songs of that, Jeonghan said, “Now instead of stepping back and closing the box, just keep going forward. Just try to step with opposite feet, left and right, left and right et cetera. Pick a direction and keep going, just try not to bump into anyone.”

He wasn’t horrible. He didn’t step on Jeonghan’s toes! Which is harder than you think if you’re not used to it! The more they danced the better Seungcheol got, and apart from the occasional “look at me, not at your toes”, he made very few errors, dancing safely around the dance floor three times before they got back to Jisoo and he tugged them off the floor.

“My turn!” Jisoo nudged Seungcheol out of the way, “Are you okay to keep going?”

“Yeah, I’m good, you did really well Seungcheol-ah! Take a rest, we’ll be back!” Jeonghan held his arms out for Jisoo to take in practice hold but Jisoo’s hand was already on his back. “Confident are we?” Jeonghan asked with a raised eyebrow and Jisoo blushed lightly. Interesting.

“I was better than Seungcheol.” 

Jisoo only put up with the box step repetition for one song before he was guiding Jeonghan around the dance floor, counting under his breath and staring furiously over Jeonghan’s shoulder.

Jeonghan took his hand off Jisoo’s shoulder to smooth out the crease between his eyes but halted at the last minute and put it back down. “Relax. You can’t kill the other couples. Just breathe. Look at me. What’s the worst that could happen?”

“We knock someone over?” Jisoo bit out.

“I’ll bump first and I’ll stop us, we’ll just pause until they move out of our way. No big deal. You’re doing really well, Jisoo-ya!”

Jisoo clearly didn’t believe him, and the next time they passed Seungcheol, he stopped and tugged him over. “Can we do this as three?”

“You’re insane.” Jeonghan laughed but turned happily into Seungcheol’s arms.

“We can try, just like tennis-”

“I’m not a ball, Seungcheol-ah.”

“I know you’re not, I know,” Seungcheol soothed as he led Jeonghan in a slow circle of the dance floor, “but maybe a relay baton?”

Jeonghan laughed, shaking his head, “You’re mad, the two of you are mad.” But he spent the rest of the set, all five songs, flitting between their arms anyway, dancing the simple steps on repeat, smiling and laughing and chatting.

“You’d tell us if you were getting bored right?” Jisoo asked with a frown as a couple passed them doing a double reverse spin.

Jeonghan fanned his hand out on Jisoo’s shoulder reassuringly, “I’m not bored, I promise. This is fun, and besides you’re both improving! You haven’t looked at your feet in seven minutes, and your positioning is much better. Besides, we’re talking and it's relaxing. Unless you’re bored?”

“No! No, this is, I really like this.” Jisoo flexed his hands and passed Jeonghan back to Seungcheol, who had also improved, going from practice hold to close position, still counting under his breath.

“Can we try a turn?” Seungcheol asked a few rounds later and Jeonghan hummed.

“We can try. Okay right foot forward. Yeah, Left foot side,” Jeonghan slid his foot forwards to shift Seungcheol’s toes into the correct position, “like that. Right foot close. Left foot back, no not straight back, half to the left you’re turning, remember?”

“Oh yeah, like this?”

“Yep. Right foot forwards, like that yeah, follow me, and left foot side and slightly back to finish. You’ve turned!” Seungcheol’s face lit up, “now lets do it like 50 times.” Seungcheol’s face fell. Jeonghan pressed his lips together in a smile.

By the time the next set ended, both of the Hong-Chois could do the change step, a natural spin turn and a chassé. Jeonghan was unbelievably proud and hugged them both tightly before disappearing off to get them all drinks, unaware of the fond eyes and bright smiles trailing after him.

Just before another tango set started, a lady caught Jeonghan’s eye. She was standing a few feet away, in a group with Soonyoung. She smiled and Jeonghan thought that perhaps she was the leading woman that Soonyoung had said he should dance with. She raised an eyebrow and Jeonghan lowered his gaze, shy smile on his lips. It had been a while since he’d had to do the partner hunt. He looked back up, Soonyoung was giving him a thumbs up and she was weaving around people to make her way across the floor.

“I’m Kim Yongsun, Soonyoung-ah says you’re quite the dancer.” Yongsun looked slightly up at him, and Jeonghan nodded.

“That’s kind of him,” Jisoo huffed behind Jeonghan but he ignored him. “He tells me you only lead?”

“Problem?” Yongsun raised her eyebrow, hand settling on her hip like a challenge.

“Definitely not.”

“Excellent. Shall we dance?” Yongsun held out her hand, barely sparing Jisoo and Seungcheol a glance. Jeonghan nodded, put his glass on the counter and just managed to see the sparkle of surprise and a flash of something darker in their eyes before being tugged onto the dance floor.

She brought their clasped hands up to about her shoulder height, letting their elbows fall in a mostly natural space, and waited for him to close the embrace.

Jeonghan saw no reason to change his normal embrace. She was probably only about 165 cm, but in heels she was closer to his height, and it wasn’t uncomfortable. He rested his hand on her shoulder, arm draped across her shoulders, and she curled her hand over the back of his neck, holding him close.

This was going to be interesting.

Yongsun shifted her weight to her left leg and Jeonghan matched her, waiting for the song to start. The beat was funky and Yongsun smiled widely.

“This is so fun, do you know it?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “Never heard of it.”

“Trust me.” Yongsun said before pushing her shoulder against Jeonghan’s chest and leading him back, into a slow walk, doubling back every few steps just to walk forward again. 

It was repetitive, rhythmic, keeping to one corner of the dance floor and letting them both become familiar with each other’s styles. She was leading slowly enough that Jeonghan could be a little decorative; spin a foot in a circle here, hover on that beat for a moment longer than he should have, ending with a tiny drag that just accentuated the fact that he was following and not leading.

It was only when the beat changed, and Yongsun led him into a turn, that Jeonghan realised they were the only male female couple on the dance floor.

The song sped up, and Yongsun led him into a series of ochos, pausing here and there for Jeonghan to embellish and decorate and he kicked up her skirt several times, muttering apologies.

“You haven’t danced with a woman in a while have you?” 

“No,” he huffed a little, “I’m sorry, I’m better than this.”

“It’s okay, just breathe for a second,” Yongsun changed her grip, pushing Jeonghan away a small bit, “Instead of flicking your hooks up between my legs, go outside in.”

Jeonghan grinned, “Pole style?”

“Sure, pole style,” Yongsun laughed as Jeonghan took the opening to flick his leg in flashy little hooks up her leg, leaving it hooked up near her hip as she pivoted around him in a pretty calesita. “See there you go, that was perfect. Or just lift around your own leg, I’m signalling well enough for you?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Not at all.”

They walked around the edge for a few beats, forwards and backwards in an easy rhythm, Yongsun guiding them around standing couples and traffic jams with grace.

“Yongsun-ssi-” Jeonghan started as she changed her hold to gather him close, kicking his free foot out with one heel and pushing his weight back onto it, starting a pretty stalk around him in another calesita. 

Yongsun interrupted him, “Call me Noona, any friend of Soonyoung-ah’s.”

Jeonghan leaned his head on her shoulder when she paused with the final few beats of the song, leaving them together at the shoulders, her blonde ringlets tangling with his chestnut strands, and far apart at the feet. A pretty ‘A’. “Noona then. How do you know Soonyoung-ah?”

The next song started, a remix of a Beatles song, and Yongsun stepped in, catching him as they both changed their grips, and leading him in a faster walk. They were pretty to watch, Yongsun in her pretty burgundy two piece and Jeonghan in his now jacket-less, grey suit. 

“We were both looking for a partner around the same time, it didn’t work out but we stayed in touch. You?” 

“University. This is the first time I’ve seen him in a while, he hasn’t lost his touch.” Jeonghan decorated tiny circles onto the floor with the ball of his foot as they waited in a small dance floor traffic jam. Tango was a walking dance and sometimes, a couple paused to do a move on the spot everyone else got held up. There was a female couple in the corner ahead of them, heels flashing as they seemingly tried to outdo each other.

Yongsun shifted her weight, “He mentioned you’ve been out of the scene for a while. Doesn’t seem to have hindered your ability though?”

“Oh I’ve been dancing, the last 33 weeks is the longest I’ve gone in years. We used to try and dance at least once a month, my ex-husband and I.”

Yongsun spun him around and pulled him close, catching his foot and guiding it in a backwards flute around her standing leg, and then twirled them around so that they were once again facing each other, wide smiles on both of their faces. “Well, a small group of us have a milonga most Saturday nights, plenty of partners to go around.”

“I’ll get the details off you later. It’s fun to see different lead styles,” Jeonghan laughed through a few tricky manœuvres that ended up with Yongsun under his chin, “do you mind if I lead for a few bars?”

“Not at all, be my guest!”

For all that Yongsun apparently didn’t follow, she was unbelievably good at it, following him in and out of a series of back crosses, their feet moving in tight circles, and later when she had her leg hooked up on his hip, he stepped together, lifting her up, spinning her around, and setting her back down just in time for her to reclaim the lead and spin him out. Yongsun let go of him and chased after him, only to spin him back in, going up on her tippy toes to pull him back against her chest, as the song ended on a ringing electrified chord.

She let go of him to spin back and curtsy as Jeonghan bowed. “Thank you for the dance!”

“Oh you too! That was brilliant. Could you give me the details of the dance social? My phone is over with my friends?”

“Of course,” Yongsun followed him over, “will they be joining you?”

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow at the couple. They were leaning against the bar, Seungcheol wrapped up in Jisoo’s arms and tucked against his chest. They both shook their heads with wide eyes. “They’re newbies. Let’s not scare them off.”

Yongsun laughed, taking Jeonghan’s phone and tapping away. “Are you enjoying yourselves?”

“That was amazing.” Seungcheol sounded parched.

“We could watch Jeonghannie dance all day I think, that was amazing. You were both amazing.” Jisoo wasn’t sounding much better. Jeonghan bit back a smirk. It was nice to see peoples reactions to a tango.

“He is something, isn’t he?” Yongsun agreed with a smile and handed Jeonghan his phone, “I’ve added you to our Facebook page. Please join us whenever you’re free. It was a pleasure.”

“Thank you,” Jeonghan said and was surprised to be pulled into a tight hug, “thanks Noona.”

“Don’t mention it. Enjoy the rest of your evening!” She waved at the other two and then glided over to what was clearly her partner, curling into her outstretched arm with a smile.

Jeonghan turned back to his friends. “Are you having fun? You just seem to be watching me and this should be fun for you two too!”

“Oh believe me, Han-ah,” Jisoo hummed, shifting Seungcheol over to his side, “this is plenty fun.”

Jeonghan coloured a little, what was it with the nicknames and deep voices tonight? “As long as you’re enjoying yourselves.”

“We are, Jeonghannie, don’t worry about us,” Seungcheol said gently, “Are you? Would you like another drink?” 

“I’m a little tired to be honest. What time is it?”

Seungcheol checked his watch, “Nearly half eleven. Do you want to leave? We can go back to ours and have drinks or something, the kids will be asleep by now anyway.”

“Stay over, we’ll make you breakfast,” Jisoo reached for Jeonghan’s wrist, tugging him close, “We can pretend we’re not parents for a while, drink and watch crappy TV. It’ll be fun!”

“Please say yes.”

Jeonghan landed at Jisoo’s hip and looked between them with a small smile, he couldn’t deny that he was intrigued. He’d felt their eyes on him all night, and tango had always made him feel confident and attractive. Maybe Jun and Soonyoung were on to something. He nodded. “Sure. As long as you make pancakes?”

“So many pancakes!” Seungcheol grinned, “I’ll get our coats. Don’t forget you were to find Soonyoung-ah!” He sprung away from Jisoo and hurried off to the cloakroom. Jeonghan turned bemused eyes on Jisoo.

“He’s excited. Soonyoung is over there, if you want to catch him before he gets back on the dance floor, I’ll settle our tab.” Jisoo smoothed his thumb over Jeonghan’s pulse point before letting go and turning to catch the eye of a bartender. Jeonghan raised his eyebrows and picked up his phone and jacket.

He’d better go find Soonyoung then.

The second Jeonghan stepped through their front door he leaned against the wall and leaned down to untie his shoes. “Oh my God, my feet.” Standing on the flat floor felt weird after being in dance shoes all night. He bit back a moan, why did it feel so good?

“What are you having, Hannie?” Seungcheol asked, voice gone all gravely again and Jeonghan opened his eyes.  _ Oh _ . 

“Wine? Merlot if there’s a choice, but I’m good with red in general.” Jeonghan fought to keep his voice audible and not to melt into himself, two sets of intense eyes were a lot.

“Merlot it is then.” Seungcheol nodded and disappeared down the hall. Jeonghan turned to look at Jisoo.

“I’m going to change into pyjamas. Do you want to borrow something?” Jisoo offered, and Jeonghan nodded, throat dry. Were they? They needed to talk if this was what they wanted. They shared too many things for this to be jumped into. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to jump into this.

But he followed Jisoo up the stairs and hovered outside his room while Jisoo fished in their drawers for a pair of pyjamas, well just plaid bottoms and a university t-shirt. Jeonghan took them with a smile and popped into the guest room to change. 

Jeonghan knelt onto the couch, one foot touching the floor, and took the glass of wine off Seungcheol happily, “Thanks- Oh this is lovely, what is it?” He savoured the taste and looked at Seungcheol.

“Chateau la Claymore,” Seungcheol sat down beside him, legs spread wide, “I got it in the off licence around the corner, it was on sale. Still nearly €20 though. We had it out a few weeks ago and I knew it was nice. Sometimes you have to splurge.”

“Speaking of splurging,” Jeonghan turned to look at Jisoo, “What are you doing for your birthday?”

“Honestly? I’d be happy with a baby free evening and a bath. Maybe take-away. Reruns of an anime or something. I’m not really a party person.” Jisoo said, crossing his legs and leaning towards the couch.

Jeonghan nodded, “I’ll mind Hansol, if you want?”

“Oh no, you can come over? I’d like you to come over?” Jisoo practically cut him off and Jeonghan looked between them carefully.

“We can talk about it another time, hm? When we’ve not drunk a few bottles between us?” Jeonghan raised his eyebrow and leaned back into the couch. Seungcheol and Jisoo nodded, light blushes dusting their cheeks.

“Right, yeah, sorry. Wanna watch a film?” Jisoo was flustered and clambered off the armchair to open their dvd box. “We have everything?”

“What about Fast and Furious?” Seungcheol asked and Jeonghan nodded. He loved those films.

Jeonghan may have had reservations about whatever was going on, but it didn’t stop him from, once he’d finished his wine, shuffling over to lean against Seungcheol and closing his eyes. Seungcheol’s breath stuttered but Jeonghan just leaned a little heavier. He was tired and he knew the Fast and Furious scripts off by heart. It was soothing background noise and he quickly fell asleep.

He woke up to a kiss on his head and a “Han, wake up, time to go to bed.” He mewled a little, stretching and then opened his eyes. Jisoo was right in front of him, the fondest look on his face. Jeonghan felt incredibly cherished. Jisoo tugged him off the couch and wrapped an arm around him to steady him.

He paused at the guest room door, waiting for Jeonghan to snuggle down into the blankets. “We’re right next door if you need anything okay? Sleep well.”

  
  


He slept like a log. Woke up the next morning with a ringing head and the taste of sand in his mouth, but incredibly well rested. He went to the loo and wandered downstairs, leaning against the doorframe, sleepy eyed as Seungcheol and Jisoo exchanged kisses in front of the cooker. The pan sizzled.

“I hope you’re not burning anything.” Jeonghan interrupted and they stilled, Jisoo peeking around Seungcheol.

“Morning. Did you sleep well?” 

“Like a log. Sort of feel like death. I think I have a hangover? What is this?”

“Old age,” Seungcheol grumbled, “Morning.”

Jisoo untangled himself from his husband and padded over to wrap Jeonghan in a hug. It was nice. Hugs were nice. He’d like to just cuddle for an entire day, but, he was divorced wouldn’t you know, and single. Not today.

The pancakes were delicious, and then they traipsed over to Jeonghan’s house to collect the kids, Jeonghan being attacked by Seungkwan and Minghao the second he stepped through the front door. Mingyu appeared behind them, Hansol in his arms and massive bags under his eyes. He raised an eyebrow at Jeonghan’s pyjama clad personage, but didn’t say anything.

“Hyungs. Your baby. Is a demon. I promise I didn’t do anything. I think he just hates me.”

Seungcheol took Hansol out of Mingyu’s arms and cradled him close, “Were you a menace for your Mingyu-hyung, hm? What did you do?”

“He’s got a vomiting bug. I’m sorry, Hannie-hyung, yours are probably going to get it, I think I have it, I was so close to ringing you-” 

“Hey,” Jeonghan stood up from his kids, and pulled Mingyu into a hug, “Hey, don’t worry, alright? You did a really good job. Everyone’s alive. Kids get sick. That’s just a fact of life. Why don’t you go back to bed and I’ll drive you home after I get dressed. Make you some soup to take with you. Ring your boyfriend, see if he’ll go and take care of you. Go back to sleep okay? You look ready to drop.”

Mingyu nodded into Jeonghan’s neck, tears beading along his lashes. Jeonghan just squeezed him tight and urged him up the stairs.

“Right loves, have you eaten?”

Seungkwan shook his head, “No, Appa. Can we have eggs?”

“We sure can. Jisoo-ya, you know where the nursery is, Hansol’s things are probably there-” Jeonghan took a second to take in both their expressions. Pale. Scared. “-He’s going to be alright, okay? It’s just a stomach bug, he probably caught it in creche. He’ll be fine. I promise you, okay?”

“He had a fever once, but he’s never been sick.” Jisoo managed, clutching onto the child tightly.

“Right, well fluids, bland foods. He’ll be fine. Ring your doctor if there’s any blood or if he’s unnaturally quiet. High fever the usual markers for concern. He’s going to be fine. Cuddles and a bath and a nap, he’ll be okay.” It was a miracle that they’d gotten to 16 months without him getting a stomach bug. Seungkwan had one every other month up until he was 4 and Minghao had had two. Sure, they were mildly terrifying, but part of being a kid. You had to get sick.

They should be fine this time though, Jeonghan had gotten them the jab for stomach flu and they’d already had their fair share of colds and sniffles this season.

“And if you’re worried and don’t want to ring Doctor, just ring me alright? Seungkwan is still alive,” He offered them a smile, “I’ve tonnes of experience, just call over okay?”

Jisoo and Seungcheol nodded.

“Right, now go and get his things, he’ll be happier at home anyway. Bath, fluids, sleep. For all of you.”

  
  


“Is Hansollie gonna be okay?” Seungkwan asked after Jeonghan finished reading his story that night.

Jeonghan tucked him in and sat down, turning the light low. “Of course he is. It’s only a stomach bug.”

“Why were hyungs so scared?”

“Do you remember when Minghao first came to live with us?”

Seungkwan nodded, wrapping his arms around his well worn orange bear, “He was so small.”

“Yeah he was,” the cutest little bean, “Do you remember when he used to cough all the time?” Minghao had caught the croup three times. One of the scariest times of Jeonghan’s life, when the poor thing just couldn’t catch his breath, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop coughing. It had been all Jeonghan could do to stay calm and hold him and breathe.

“Yeah, that was really scary.”

It had been. He’d sounded like he was coughing up his entire tiny body. “It was. I was really scared, but it was only because I was worried and because I love him. It’s the same for hyungs. Hansol hasn’t ever really been sick. So it’s doubly scary.”

Seungkwan turned and snuggled down onto his pillow, “Okay. You’re gonna take care of them?”

Oh stars, his child was too precious. “Of course.”

“Then I’m not scared. You’re the best Appa.”

Jeonghan kissed his forehead and stood, “Thank you, baby. Sleep well.” And maybe he shed a tiny tear while he washed his face. 

Happily, it was just a stomach bug, and everyone was over it within 48 hours. And nobody else caught it. And Jeonghan could go back to mildly stressing about the conversation he knew he was going to have to have with Seungcheol and Jisoo. And registering Minghao for the new creche that he and Hansol were starting in February.

They all met for coffee the next week, Jisoo took two hours off work, citing birthday plans, and met Jeonghan and Seungcheol in the café beside their work. They took a booth in the back and sat in silence for a few minutes, the bustle of the mid-morning crowd filling in the empty space.

Seungcheol looked at Jisoo and then took a deep breath, “Jeonghan-ah, we’d like to date you.”

Jeonghan, well he blinked. A few times. He’d sort of hoped that was what they wanted, it was what he’d been feeling in the past few weeks, months really, but to hear it was something else entirely. “Both of you?”

“Yeah,” Jisoo nodded, fingers tightening around his mug, “Have done since November really.”

“Remember when you thought you’d upset us?”

Jeonghan nodded, that meant-

“You really hadn’t. We were just trying to figure out if we really wanted to try as a triad trio thruple whatever the word is. And I mean, I’d love to try. I’d really love to try.”

Jisoo reached for Seungcheol’s hand and grabbed it tightly. “So would I.”

Jeonghan nodded. “I can’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind so many times. You’re both, well you’re both great catches,” he knew he was blushing, “The kids love you. You’re great with them. You’re great with me too. But, you’ve been married for nearly 6 years? How would it work?”

“Conversations.”

“And it’s three relationships, right? So even though we’ve been together longer, it’ll only work if all the two-people relationships work well. So, lots of dates, and conversations, and-”

“You’ll have to be patient with me. My marriage was,” Jeonghan swallowed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to skip through all the early relationship stages as if they were tick boxes, “It was really fucked up. I can’t even think of having sex right now, so if that’s-”

“No! We want to date  _ you _ . For you! For your humour and your personality and your kindness and because both of us get on with you and we’re both attracted to you and we love talking with you-”

“And we want to spend more time with you and hold your hand and cook for you and be the people you call when you need a hug or a shoulder or a day off.”

“Exactly. Not because we want to have sex with you, I mean we do? Of course we do, you’re,” Jisoo motioned at him, a little wave of his hand that seemed to say everything and nothing all at once. Jeonghan flushed. “But that’s not why we want to date you.”

Jeonghan flushed, staring at his mug for a second. They really meant it. And he wanted to try. Wanted to date. Wanted to have someone to ring in the evening and tell about his day even if it was just work and kids. Wanted kisses and cuddles and casual romantic affection. And they were so lovely. “I’d like to date you both too.”

Seungcheol barely held back a squeal, reaching across the table to take Jeonghan’s hand and hold it tightly. Jisoo did the same, “Oh I’m so happy!!” And they must have looked weird, like they were about to summon something, but Jeonghan just felt excited. Happy and excited.

Tangibly, it didn’t make much of a day to day difference to Jeonghan’s life. 

Apart from how Jeonghan was on cloud nine and sang around the house constantly. His joy was infectious and when Seungkwan finished his homework, he’d either ask to sing or to dance. So most afternoons they could be found belting out 90's classics. Or twirling around the living room to jazz standards, Seungkwan standing on Jeonghan’s toes and pressing his tongue into his cheek in concentration.

Apart from how they had a group chat and wished each other a good morning and good night every day. 

Apart from how Jeonghan found himself standing in the aisles of a nearby department store and fretting about what to buy Jisoo for his birthday.

**Calling Jun**

_ “Wen Junhui speaking.” _

“Junnie! It’s Jeonghan-”

_ “Jeonghannie! Hi!! What’s up?” _

“Mmm, it’s all very new, but I don’t know what’s appropriate to get someone you’ve just maybe sort of started dating?”

There were several seconds of silence on the other end of the phone and then a muffled squeal. Jeonghan grinned.  _ “The couple? Please tell me it's the couple!!” _

“It’s the couple.”

More squealing.  _ “Oh my god Oh my GOD!! Okay we need to meet up, I want the gossip!! What was the issue?” _

“Jisoo’s birthday is this weekend.”

_ “What were you going to get him?” _

“He’s really into his wines, so I thought, there’s a really nice off-licence in town, you know the one with the walnut wood and stained glass?” Jeonghan smiled at a fellow shopper and stepped back to let her pass.

_ “The 8 Bar or something like that?” _

“Yeah. They have these wine tasting evenings and there’s a package, two nights one for reds and one for whites. It’s about the same price as the massage package I got for Seungcheol in August, but-”

_ “It sounds unreal, Jeonghan. Seriously. Why are you second guessing?” _

“I don’t know? I just it’s been so long since I dated I can’t remember how?”

_ “Don’t worry. That gift sounds perfect. And you’ve only started dating so he’s not going to expect, I don’t know. Have you had sex yet?” _

“JUN! No. It’s, they’re, I, no. I can’t even think like that yet, it's just, what if they-” Jeonghan trailed off. He didn’t really want to vocalise it.

_ “They’re not going to be like Hyunil. But you’re right. You don’t know them in a relationship way, take your time. But I mean. At least you have threeway experience-” _

“I’m hanging up now.”

Jun just cackled, “ _ Text me and we’ll get coffee. I want to properly introduce Minghao to the fine pleasures of spice. So. Text me.” _

Jeonghan hung up and left the shop. He dropped into the off licence to buy the wine tasting and a fancy wine bottle shaped birthday card. It would be fine.

At 9 pm on Friday evening, Jeonghan put his coat on over his pyjamas and waved goodbye to Mingyu, who was scowling at his laptop, and pulled the door behind him. Jisoo had invited him over for ‘trashy TV and couch cuddles.”

Jisoo met him at the door and grabbed him into a hug, “I’m so glad you could come!! Hansollie is at Seungcheol’s brothers, it is blissfully silent and we don’t have to be quiet, it’s great. We just finished dinner, Seungcheollie bought dessert, do you want some? And there’s champagne or tea or elder flower cordial?”

Jeonghan kissed him on the cheek and swayed them tightly for a second, “Happy Birthday! I hate how you’re now 34 that’s disgusting.”

“Here here!” Seungcheol called as he stepped out into the hall, “Shua, babe, you haven’t even let him take his coat off, here Hannie-ya, give it to me and I’ll hang it up.”

Jeonghan shrugged off his coat and was immediately pulled back into a hug by Jisoo, leeching onto his side. 

“I like your pjs, Han-”

“Would you at least move out of the hallway?” Seungcheol muttered, squeezing past them with hands on their waists. “There’s black forest gateau!”

Jeonghan was faced with a choice. Refuse the cake and explain. Eat the cake. Refuse the cake and don’t explain. Pretend to eat the cake.

Jisoo pulled him into the kitchen and finally let go of him, taking a plate off Seungcheol and going through to the living room. Seungcheol handed Jeonghan a plate but stopped.

“Jeonghan-ah? What’s wrong? Is it Jisoo? I know he’s a lot right now, he’s just-”

“No, he’s fine, it’s just, well, I’m not really in the mood for cake-”

“But it’s your favourite? And it’s birthday cake?” Seungcheol looked wounded and Jeonghan hoped they hadn’t picked it specially.

Jeonghan grumbled internally at himself, “I know, I’m sorry, I hope you didn’t pick it specially?”

“Of course we didn’t, Jeonghan-ah, you don’t have to have cake. Seungcheol-ah leave him be.”

“I’ll eat it, it’s fine!”

“No, if you don’t want birthday cake then I’m not gonna make you.” Seungcheol raised his eyebrow and turned to put the plate down, Jesus. Jeonghan hated this.

“Don’t be ridiculous, just give me the plate.”

“Boyfriends please!” Jisoo shouted and they both looked at him, Jeonghan completely red, Seungcheol sheepish, “We’ve been dating like 10 days. Let’s not have our first fight be over a freaking cake. Jeonghan, what’s the big deal?”

Jeonghan took a deep breath and stared at a point over Jisoo’s shoulder, “I hate black forest gateau.”

“But, but your ex said it was your favourite?” 

Jeonghan shook his head, lips pressed tightly together.

“Jesus, that’s depressing. Okay. Right. We have ice cream? Chocolate? Biscuits?” Seungcheol opened their biscuit box, “Digestives, rich tea? Fig rolls? Oh we got mikados the other day. What about those? The pink fluffy yokes.”

“Oh they sound great, please,” Jeonghan rubbed his hands together, trying to get his heart to slow down. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re not allowed to blindly apologise here, remember? What are you apologising for?” Jisoo chastised gently, wandering back over to wrap an arm around him.

“Bringing up bad memories on your birthday, making a fuss about the cake? Making a mess of your evening?” Jeonghan let out a sigh and leaned into Jisoo, “I don’t know.”

“My evening isn’t ruined, don’t worry. We haven’t started watching every season finale of Gundan yet!!”

Seungcheol groaned and Jeonghan blinked. “Just the season finales? I’ve never seen this?”

“Yes! My birthday, my rules!”

Jisoo was right about just wanting chill, baby-free TV and cuddles. He started off sitting between Seungcheol and Jeonghan on the couch. But by season 4 he had rearranged so that his head was in Seungcheol’s lap and feet on Jeonghan’s. By the 8th, he’d turned the opposite way and dragged the blanket down on top of him. And by the finale finale, he was asleep.

Jeonghan petted his hair gently, marvelling at actually being here. He looked up, Seungcheol was gazing at them fondly, head on his hand.

“Are you staying over?”

Jeonghan shook his head sadly, “Mingyu-ya has to leave at 7 am.”

“Ah,” Seungcheol nodded, “I’ll walk you over, you look exhausted.”

Oh. That was cute. Jeonghan smiled and gently slipped out from under Jisoo, “Thanks for having me.”

“None of that,” Seungcheol stood carefully, “Of course we were going to have you over.”

Seungcheol held Jeonghan’s coat open for him and squeezed his shoulders when he put it on. Jeonghan just beamed. When Jeonghan opened his own front door, he wrapped his arms tightly around Seungcheol and pecked him on the cheek.

“Thanks, sleep well. My love to Jisoo.”

“You too, talk tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Night!” And maybe he waited until Seungcheol closed his own door. Maybe he went upstairs and screamed into his pillow. Maybe he pulled out the diary that Seokmin had given him for Christmas and spent half an hour writing down how he felt about being just accepted and slept on. And then maybe he fell asleep smiling. A perfect end to a perfect month.

  
  
  


~ _f_ _ ebruary _ ~

  
  
  


On a Sunday that was very carefully not Valentine's day, Seungcheol and Jeonghan went for brunch, leaving the kids with Jisoo. Seungcheol drove, Jeonghan sitting in the passenger seat, watching him, not watching the road at all. Eyes tracing over the arch of Seungcheol’s nose, carefully painting his profile into memory. Just because he could.

“Have you been here before?”

“Yeah, they do unreal pancakes,” Seungcheol drove into the car park, “You can get them with bacon and maple syrup, that’s what I’m having, or they do loads of sweeter toppings. My brother always gets the french toast, apparently that’s gorgeous. And my dad unfailingly has the eggs benedict. Every time I say I should try something new, but,” he turned in the seat and unbuckled his belt, “The call of the pancakes is too strong.”

Jeonghan laughed and they hopped out. The restaurant was bright and airy with a mishmash of chairs and exposed light bulbs in a sort of bare bricks style. When they stepped through the doors they heard music but then it was quickly overpowered by the volume of chatter. Jeonghan looked at Seungcheol. He stepped closer to his side and gripped his hand, feeling stupid but it was so loud.

“Hi! Welcome to Herbstreet!” A waitress appeared in front of them, “Do you have a reservation?”

“No, is that okay?” Seungcheol frowned but the waitress just smiled.

“Yep, no worries. Inside or outside?”

Seungcheol looked at Jeonghan, “Outside? It’s a bit loud isn’t it?”

Relieved, Jeonghan nodded and smiled, “Sounds great.”

“Okay then, if you follow me? We have seating out the back,” The waitress plucked two menus from the box and turned on her heel, leading them through the café to a wide open green balcony type seating area. The tables were between hanging baskets and big heaters, all cordoned off into small privacy areas. It was so pretty. “Here you are. I’ll give you some time to look over that, in the meanwhile would you like to order drinks?”

“All at once I think?”

“No bother. Enjoy!”

Jeonghan sat down and pulled the blanket off the back of the chair, draping it over his lap. “This is such a pretty garden.”

Seungcheol just smiled.

They ended up both ordering pancakes. Jeonghan, after about 10 minutes of dithering, decided on the orange butter and blueberry option while Seungcheol went with his usual. Their coffees arrived first, an americano for Seungcheol and a cappuccino for Jeonghan.

Jeonghan knocked his foot against Seungcheol’s, and said, “20 questions. This is our first date. Let’s be first date cringy.”

“Okay, you start.”

“No, you start!” Jeonghan picked up his mug and took a sip, Seungcheol just laughed.

“You’re so like Jisoo-ya. Okay. Hmmm…” he looked at the clouds, “Oh I have one! What did you study in college?”

Jeonghan blinked. He hadn’t expected that. College was so long ago. “Oh, I studied accounting straight out of secondary, and then took my proficiency exams once I graduated. What about you?”

“Believe it or not I started college studying history and business, and I had to take an accounting module. And loved it so much I switched courses. Spent a few years clerking and then did my accreditation and jumped from firm to firm until I took this job.”

“Did you always want to be a firm accountant? I really wanted to become a forensic accountant. Still sort of do. But I’d have to take more classes and things, so maybe when the kids are a little older.” Jeonghan stopped as the waitress arrived with their food, steaming and pretty and laid it down with a flourish.

“Enjoy!”

They tucked in and oh the food was delicious. So delicious that neither of them spoke apart from vague murmurs of delight until they were both halfway through their plates.

“Oh my god this is always so tasty,” Seungcheol leaned back in his chair and took a gulp of coffee, “Right. Momentary heaven. What did you ask? Before we got distracted?”

“By a literal slice of heaven?” Jeonghan smiled, “Oh I wanted to know if you always wanted to be a firm accountant or if you wanted to do something else with the degree. If you spent ages clerking like what did you want to do?”

Seungcheol cupped his hands around the mug, “To be honest?” Jeonghan nodded. “To be honest I would much prefer to just be a clerk. I enjoyed it a lot more, it was less intense, more chatty, more under the radar. But then we were going to get married and we wanted kids and I needed to earn more, so I sat my exams, and here we are.”

Jeonghan offered a gentle smile and went to reach his hand across the table.

“I didn’t mean to bring the tone down-”

“No, not at all.”

“Is it my turn again?”

“Only if you want to-”

“Of course. This is good, we talk so much but say so little sometimes. It’s nice to have a q and a format for once! Mmm… Okay, apart from the tango, what’s your favourite type of dancing?”

Jeonghan took a few moments, chewing a mouthful of pancake, apart from tango? “Well I did pole for a while-”

Seungcheol nearly spat out his coffee and Jeonghan cackled.

“That was fun. The brief month where I attended burlesque classes was amazing. But I don’t know. I love tango so so much that everything else sort of pales? Club dancing is fun, feeling the beat being so close to people, but the crowds, I haven’t been in years.” Walking into this restaurant was scary, Jeonghan couldn’t imagine a club. At least in any ballroom there were rules. Nobody would touch anyone if they didn’t invite it. Nobody would even come all the way over if you hadn’t done the whole eye contact pre-question. It was safe. And he said as much to Seungcheol, bracing himself for the pitying look on his face, but he only got a smile.

And a “Well, the three of us will just have to go, we’ll just surround you.”

Jeonghan blushed and ate some more pancake. “So, I don’t know. What’s your love language? I feel like that’s important.”

“My love language? That’s a good one. Eh? Probably acts of service? But touch. Hmmm I do really love hugs and cuddles and like contact. But helping. Can I have two?”

“I think so? Mine is always tied between quality time and touch so, let’s say you can have two.”

“Touch buddies!” Seungcheol held up his hand for a high five, drawing looks with his louder than normal voice. “Well that was louder than I meant. Jisoo-ya is touchy, but he likes his own space a lot. So, I’m going to enjoy having a partner in crime!”

Jeonghan laughed loud and unrestrained, finally reaching across the table to link their fingers. Oh this was fun.

When the waitress came to take their plates they both ordered more coffee. They’d gone through the questions about favourite foods, colours, cats or dogs, boxers or briefs, tea or coffee, wine or spirits; mainly by guessing the others' answer. And to their pleased surprise they had both been 90% accurate.

“So did you always want kids or was it like the logical progression after marriage and a house?” Seungcheol asked and Jeonghan’s face split into a smile.

“Always!! I was such a broody single person. Like not Lord Byron broody. I’m talking full fledged I had names picked out, I couldn’t pass a baby shop without going in and taking like half an hour to go through every item, any supermarket trip included one pass of the baby aisle, I went out of my way to meet people with babies so that I could hold them. I really wanted children. I don’t even think Hyunil and I were dating for a month before I was thinking about what our kids would look like if we could have biologically had one,” he smiled wistfully, “Hyunil wasn’t all that hot on the idea initially. But after our third wedding anniversary he got really into it, came home one day with flyers from three different organisations. I had the paperwork filled out that night.”

“Oh my God you were so baby ready!”

“Seungcheol-ah if this was a blind date I would have bombarded you with pictures of my children within seconds of us ordering brunch. I’m high key tempted to whip the phone out right now and show you the cute things they did this week, but since your husband is at home with both of our kids, I will resist.”

Seungcheol cackled.

“What?”

“Someone just walked past you and their face, oh my lord, I’m sorry,” he wiped his eyes, “oh this is going to cause so much confusion.”

Jeonghan took a large sip of coffee to avoid reacting. Being a public triad would be hard. The kids teachers-

“Hey,” Seungcheol bumped his foot gently against Jeonghan’s, “Don’t worry about what people think. It served them right to be ear wigging anyway. To a foreign language and everything.”

Jeonghan swallowed. “It’s not, it is. Don’t worry. Dealing with people’s perceptions is something I can do. Have you seen my hair?”

“Is that a question? If so,” Seungcheol grinned, “Yes I have. It’s gorgeous. Frames your face perfectly. I kinda want to dig my hands into it and like, massage your head every time I see it. It’s a low simmering need-”

Jeonghan’s eyes widened, “Please? Please do?”

“I will, don’t worry. Okay, can I have one more question?”

“I don’t even know how many we’ve done by now, sure, go for it. I have one for you too.”

“Right, have you ever been in a triad before?” Seungcheol asked carefully and Jeonghan set his cup down with a gentle clink.

“I suppose I have? Although I wouldn’t call it romantic, it was definitely a relationship. You remember Seokmin and Jun?” Seungcheol nodded. “Well, I suppose we were a triad for a while. Soonyoung drifted in and out. We got an apartment off campus in our second year, we’d all met in the LGBTQ society in first year week one, and I mean, we had our own bedrooms but I don’t remember sleeping on my own in that apartment. Ever. And we were there for three years. We did everything together. Went on dates, went to each other’s award ceremonies and performances, cooked for one another, slept together, studied together. We were lover-parent-child-teacher and everything else. But like we all still dated other people? I dated Soonyoung for a while, Seokmin had this thing with Kyungah, a girl from his theatre group, for years. And then I met Hyunil. So I mean. Yes?”

Seungcheol just stared at him for a while, reached across the table to lace their fingers together, presumably to reassure him that he wasn’t upset or mad, just processing, but he stared for quite a while.

They got the bill and had a minor disagreement over who was paying, Seungcheol whining a ‘but it’s my love language’ but Jeonghan just fixed him with his best fatherly glare of disapproval and said, “If you pull that card every time you’ll be broke and I’ll be guilty. You can pay next time. Promise.”

“Oh well if you promise.”

When they pulled into Seungcheol’s driveway, Jeonghan reached across the gear stick and took his hand. “Today was really lovely. I had a great time.”

“Me too. Thanks for spoiling me!”

“Anytime Cheol-ah, anytime. Now let’s go and see our babies.”

Seungcheol stopped him at the front door, and gently leaned in to press a kiss against the corner of Jeonghan’s lips. He pulled back, smiling. “That okay?”

“Yeah, perfect.” Jeonghan pulled him into a quick tight hug, and then let him go. 

Jisoo opened the door before Seungcheol could even get his keys out. “Husband. Boyfriend. Did you kiss?”

Seungcheol pecked him on the nose, “Don’t be nosy.”

Jeonghan smirked, “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, Jisoo-ya!”

Jisoo pouted, but before he could say anything else, Seungkwan darted around Jisoo’s legs and looked up at Jeonghan.

“Appa?”

“Yes, love?”

“Can we please please please make buns for school tomorrow? I want to bring them in for my birthday, ‘specially cause some people can’t come to my birthday party, I don’t want anyone to feel left out, Appa, please?”

Jeonghan shared a smile with Jisoo and Seungcheol before nodding. “Of course we can, can you wait while I get your brother? Tidy up your things? And then we can bake.”

“Okay! Thank you!!” Seungkwan wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s legs and squeezed before running-

“Walk!”

-walking through the house to gather up his toys. Jeonghan’s heart. Fondness was a good complaint.

“Well you heard the boy, we’d best be off. Thanks Jisoo-ya, Seungcheol-ah!”

He got kisses on his cheeks and glowed for the rest of the day. 

  
  


“Appa?”

Jeonghan flicked his eyes up to the rear view mirror, “Yes?”

“Do I have to have a boyfriend?”

Jeonghan blinked through a gear change, what? He was 6 in an hour, what was he on about? “No, not if you don’t want one. Why?”

“Moonbinnie is nice but he doesn’t clean under his fingernails and I think that’s important.” 

Jeonghan blinked, “Okay. Well you can have a boyfriend or a girlfriend or neither okay? You don’t have to have anything. You can love whoever you want. Okay?”

“Yeah! Yerin is really nice?”

Jesus. He was six! Jeonghan had hoped to get at least another six years, ideally ten or like fifteen? Before he had to deal with this. “I think you’re a little too young to date right now. We can talk about it later alright? Are you ready?” They pulled into the car park of the play place, the bright colours and cheery music leaking into the car. Seungkwan nodded.

“Yes! Let’s go!!”

Seungkwan’s friends arrived soon after Jeonghan had signed them, parents coming up to Jeonghan to say hi and leaving quickly, the kids chatting and bouncing a few paces away. He was on friendly terms with most of the parents, some avoided him in the yard, but that was to be expected. One of James’s mothers came up to him with a bright smile after sending her boy off to give Seungkwan his gift and a hug.

“Hi! I’m Laura, James’s mum.” She held out her hand and Jeonghan shook it with a smile.

“Jeonghan, nice to meet you. Seungkwan says your son is great at reading, I think he’s jealous.”

Laura laughed, “Kids, hey? They get on really well, so if you’d like to organise a play date, my wife and I have been trying to catch you in the playground but we’re always late to everything so we keep missing you. But I wrote down my number,” she fished in her handbag, “so just send me a text and we can organise something. I know James would really enjoy it.”

Jeonghan smiled, taking the paper, “Oh that sounds great! Hold on a second and I’ll give you mine,” Jeonghan knelt down to dig in the bag for a pen and his notebook, jotting his name and number down quickly and tearing a page out. “Here you go. We should definitely organise something.”

“We will! My wife will probably pick James up later, so maybe I’ll bump into you at the school. Enjoy the party, don’t go insane!” Laura smiled brightly and left just as Seokmin walked in the doors.

“Minnie! Thank God.” Jeonghan got caught up in a hug and Seungkwan came running over to tackle the man.

“Hyung!!” Seokmin laughed and knelt to catch Seungkwan in a hug.

“Happy Birthday!! You’re so tall now, when did that happen? I only saw you over Christmas!”

Seungkwan glowed, “I had a growth spurt!! Appa says I’ll be taller than him in no time!”

“I’m sure he’s right! Are you excited?”

“Yes!! All my friends are here and,” he leaned closer to Seokmin to whisper, “There’s going to be chocolate cake!”

Seokmin widened his eyes, “Really? Can I have some?”

“Don’t be silly! It’s all for us!” He giggled madly and bounced back over to his friends. 

Jeonghan was still laughing when one of the activity people came over to him, “Sir? We’re going to start now, is that okay?”

Jeonghan did a quick headcount, “Yeah, everyone’s here. Go ahead.”

“Great. You can go through to the party room if you want, or there’s a coffee shop just through those doors. We’ll bring them through for food in an hour.”

Seokmin spent a good half hour teasing Jeonghan about his new boyfriends and pulling pieces of information about him until Jeonghan swatted him and demanded news of his own.

“I haven’t seen you in ages Seokmin-ah,” he whined, “You can’t tell me what musical you’re working on, you’re leaving town again tomorrow, tell me something about your life, Minnie, please!”

Seokmin laughed, leaning into Jeonghan to wrap an arm around his shoulders, “Aish hyung, okay okay!! I’m sharing an apartment with two of my costars, Ruth and Thomas. It’s above a bakery, which makes life incredibly difficult because one of us is always inevitably swayed by the smell and buys a box for either rehearsal or the apartment. On Monday afternoons I’ve been roped into volunteering at the local youth centre and teaching stagecraft and presence. The kids, they can’t be more than 14, are so clever and talented and ready to try new things, I love it!”

“You have always been good with kids,” Jeonghan murmured, fond, “maybe you’ll teach drama?”

“Not now. Maybe when I retire, or whenever they stop booking me for shows-”

“Never, Minnie!”

“How do you know that, Hyung? You haven’t been to see me since college!”

Jeonghan pulled back enough to look him dead in the eye, cheeks flushing lightly, “I watch every single clip of you online. Wherever the shows are put up I’ve always tried to watch them, even when I was married, I tried to watch them when Hyunil was working late, or listen to any original cast recording that you were on. I love your voice, Seokmin-ah, and you’re a fantastic actor. The audience loves you!”

Seokmin pulled him back in and hid his beaming blush in Jeonghan’s hair, “Hyung~ don’t make me cry~”

Jeonghan just patted whatever he could reach.

Seokmin eventually pulled back and wrung his hands slightly, “I’ll be here in April? We’ll be here, I mean. The company. The show. Will you come? I’ll get you tickets, will you come?”

“Of course I’ll come.”

“Bring your boyfriends, get a sitter for the kids. We can do dinner after?” Seokmin looked oh so hopeful and happy and Jeonghan was so pleased and brimming with affection that it was all he could do to stop himself from leaning in and kissing him in thanks. 

Seokmin’s tiny flick down to Jeonghan’s lips as he leaned in to give him a hug instead just made Jeonghan hug him tighter. There was nothing romantic about the affection that they had shared, just affection. But it read as romantic. And he wasn’t going to be accused of cheating just after he’d started dating. He’d have to talk with them.

He squeezed Seokmin tight and pulled back, ordering them more coffee and offering stories about the kids, anecdotes to match the videos and pictures he periodically sent Seokmin over the past few weeks, phone handy to show the cute moments in vivid technicolour. And then they were called in to help the kids with dinner, and take photos and soothe fights, reward wins, and kiss Seungkwan’s head in Happy Birthday when the staff brought out the cake and turned on the Happy Birthday song.

Seungkwan waved goodbye to all the guests with a cheery, “See you Monday!!” and “Thank you for coming!!” And all the children seemed happy with their little party bags of sweets and stationary, the parents giving Jeonghan a smile in thanks and exchanging numbers. All in all a day well spent.

They all piled into the car, Seungkwan was unbelievably happy when he got to bring Seokmin and his presents home, insisting that Seokmin sat in the back with him. “Seokmin-hyung? Since you’re my godfather do I have to call you something special?”

Seokmin shook his head, “No. If you want to, you can call me Uncle? But Godfather is too formal for me, and anything else would be confusing, I think?”

“James has a godfather and he calls him ‘pear-an’.”

“I think James’s mother is French, so maybe that’s why, love,” Jeonghan looked in the mirror, “Perrain is the french word for godfather. They use it like Appa and Eomma, or Mammy and Daddy, but especially for godfathers. There’s one for godmother too, but I always forget it.”

“Ah,” Seokmin nodded, “Well you can call me that if you’d like, but Uncle or Hyung works just as well.”

“Okay! Seokmin-hyung? Are you staying for dinner? Jun-hyung promised he’d introduce us to the world of hot and spicy food tonight and Appa sighed but said that as long as he had milk bought specially he could cook.”

Jeonghan bit his lip and focused on the road, his son was endlessly amusing. Jun had been sending him recipes nearly every day since February began, trying to get Jeonghan to make traditional dishes and caps-locking double amounts for anything remotely spicy. Jeonghan had made a few, at normal spice levels, it wasn’t like the kids had never eaten spicy food. Jeonghan liked spicy food, regular spicy food. Jun had just sent him weeping cat emojis.

So today, seeing as he was babysitting Minghao, Jun had come over with what had looked like half the contents of his kitchen, three cookbooks, a hilariously tiny apron for Minghao and a determined grin. 

Jeonghan had just stepped back and let him into the kitchen.

When they got home, Seungkwan put his presents in the sitting room and went in search of his brother, holding his hand and trying to get him to walk over to show him the presents. Minghao wailed and thudded down onto the floor.

Jeonghan put a hand out when Jun and Seokmin looked ready to spring to kiss and soothe, and waited.

“Oh, hyung is sorry, Minghao-hao! Didn’t mean to let you fall, I’ll kiss it better, where does it hurt?” Seungkwan knelt in front of him and patted his back until Minghao snuffled and looked up at him, hand hovering on his own knee. Seungkwan bent to kiss the knee and then hugged Minghao tight. “We can crawl over instead, baby brother!”

Jeonghan looked up to see Jun beaming at him and pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. Mouthing ‘so proud’. Jeonghan was too. He was raising good kids.

Seungkwan, to nobody’s surprise, adored Jun’s cooking, and Minghao ate most of it without protest. Seokmin and Jeonghan downed a gallon of milk between them and Jun just cackled, gladly taking over the job of helping Minghao eat.

Seungkwan opened his presents carefully, folding the wrapping paper and noting down who gave him what so he could properly thank everyone. He got lots of Lego, a voucher for Smyths Toy Shop and two albums, chart toppers. Seokmin brought him videos of his stage performances and a promise to bring him backstage to meet his co-stars the next time he was in town, and Jun brought him some books in Korean and Mandarin, the two languages on opposite pages so he could work things out. Jeonghan went for a time-tested gift of new clothes, and had bought new shirts and trousers to replace his old ones, and a new pair of runners. Seungkwan was ecstatic. Mostly over the Lego. Seungcheol and Jisoo had dropped over their present that morning, a ‘Little Baker’ cookbook and apron. Seungkwan, well he was so excited he stayed up way past his bedtime.

He eventually went to bed, sung to sleep by Jun and Seokmin, voices curling around each other in perfect harmony. They both stayed over, pouting at Jeonghan’s offer of the spare room, and circling the room like cats. Jeonghan took a while to relax, “Cuddling, nothing else guys, I’m in a relationship-”

“We know,” Jun had said, tugging Jeonghan into a hug while Seokmin changed, “We know.”

“No kissing either. I don’t want to hurt them, and I know, we know it’s not, but it looks, and if the kids-” Jeonghan put his face in his hands. Why was affection so coded? 

Seokmin tugged his hands away from his face. “When have we ever pushed your relationship boundaries, hyung?”

“Never.”

“Yeah, so why would we now, especially when those two are doing so well?” Jun leaned his head on his shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist.

“I need to talk to them.”

“Text them, or ring them if you want. Affection is good for you and you’re so tense. Sleeping beside people will make you feel better, it always does.”

“But I don’t feel bad, Junnie?”

Jun dug his fingers into knots on Jeonghan’s shoulders in response and Jeonghan winced.

“Okay, so maybe I’m a little tense. I’m meeting my sister on Tuesday for lunch and I’m worried, and I’m in a new triadic relationship and I haven’t told the kids yet, I’m going to a tango meet up next Saturday and Hyunil has a bail hearing-”

Jun pressed his nose against Jeonghan’s neck. “Ring your boyfriends.”

Jeonghan rang his boyfriends, sitting down on the bed and picking at the blanket until Jisoo picked up.

_ “Han, hi, how are you?”  _

Jeonghan smiled, instantly more at ease. “I’m good. Listen, Junnie and Seokminnie are staying over, Seokmin is only in town for the night, and we-” he looked up at them, “We normally sleep together but I don’t want you to think-”

“ _ What sort of sleeping together, Jeonghan-ah?”  _ Jisoo’s voice was sharp.

Jeonghan winced, “Just sleeping. Tonight.”

There was a murmur over the phone and then Seungcheol’s voice,  _ “Like you mentioned last weekend? Your platonic pack?” _

Jeonghan nodded, “Yeah. But just cuddling. Maybe kisses but it's not, it doesn't mean romance, it’s platonic, it’s just affection?” Hyunil had said ‘no, absolutely not’ and he had been well within his rights to. But Jeonghan wanted this.

More murmuring and then, Jisoo again,  _ “Maybe not kissing tonight if that’s okay, Han-ah. We can talk about it though. Affection is affection and it’s important that you get it. Thank you for ringing.” _

Jeonghan breathed a loud sigh of relief, “Okay. Thank you for listening to me-”

“ _ Anytime Jeonghannie, anytime. Sleep well. Give Seokmin-ah and Jun-ah my best.” _

_ “Mine too!” _

“Will do. Sleep well!” Jeonghan hung up and flopped back onto the bed. “Yes to cuddles, no to kisses with a potential renegotiation in the future.”

Jun jumped onto the bed and lay boneless over his chest. “Excellent. I knew I liked them.”

Seokmin settled up onto the pillows, sliding under the covers with a yawn, “Come on, let’s sleep.”

They fell asleep like they had always fallen asleep, tangled together like puppies. And woke up, like they always did, tangled together like puppies. For all that Jun accused Jeonghan of being a cuddle bug, him and Seokmin were just as bad.

They stayed for breakfast, Seokmin hardly able to eat between answering Seungkwan’s questions, and Jun touchy. Foot wrapped around Jeonghan’s, elbows knocking, filling his plate every few seconds and every now and again turning to give him a bite of whatever he was eating. Jeonghan didn’t mind, he knew it was just Jun, just how he did affection and especially affection when he was worried. 

Seungkwan turned to Jun with a perplexed expression, “Jun-shū? Are you dating Appa?”

Jeonghan nearly dropped his tea, opening his mouth to answer, but Jun got there before him. “Well pronounced, Seungkwannie. No I’m not. Why did you think that?”

Seungkwan got shy and looked down at his plate, “My old daddy used to feed Appa when I was really little, like a bird, but he stopped. And sometimes hyungs do it now. And now you're doing it to Appa.”

Jeonghan, well firstly his heart at ‘my old daddy’, every time he used it Jeonghan felt the same way, secondly, he had such an observant son! “Well, Junnie does it cause he’s a worrier and he loves me. But not dating me. But your hyungs do it because they love me too, and they are dating me. Is that okay?”

Seungkwan stared at Jeonghan for a while, Seokmin and Jun hiding smiles. Jeonghan waited, eating a little. He wasn’t overly worried that Seungkwan would react badly, just a little worried that he’d feel overlooked.

“Does this mean I have a new brother?”

Ah. A bit early for that, Jeonghan went to say no but Seungkwan’s expression stopped him. What would the harm be? “A little like that-”

“I’m such a good hyung, I’ll be the bestest hyung now. And do I get to call hyungs Daddy and Papa?”

“No, not yet baby. Maybe in the future. And I’m sure you’ll be the best hyung to Hansol-ah even if he’s not your brother, okay?”

Seungkwan looked offended, “Of course! I’m the Best Hyung! You got me a badge and all!”

Jeonghan smiled, “I know you are. You’re not upset?”

“No! You’re happy and you don’t cry all the time. I like hyungs.” And with that damning sentence, Seungkwan tucked back into his breakfast.

Well, at least his baby approved.

His sister approved too. She hugged him tightly for as long as she could when they met up for the first time in years. They both spent a solid twenty minutes apologising before hugging it out again. Jeonghan didn’t know why he’d been so worried, Jeonghee had always been the person who understood him best. She insisted on paying for their meal, ‘I’m a tenured art professor!’, showing him a thousand photos of her cats and seeing photos of his kids. And then Seungcheol and Jisoo once he brought that up. Said that she only wanted the best for him and if that was a harem of beautiful strong men then she was behind that. Jeonghan was so relieved. Relieved to have his sister back, relieved that the time hadn’t changed their relationship, relieved that she was safe and happy and healthy. They arranged for another meeting and Jeonghan promised to try and video call with the kids. 

He practically waltzed back into work, greeting Seungcheol with a squeeze on his shoulder and a beaming smile. Life was good.

  
  
  


~ _m_ _ arch~ _

  
  
  


Jeonghan and Jisoo had been texting back and forth for about three weeks over what they should do for their date. Neither of them had any great ideas, nothing that sprung to mind, nothing that they really wanted to do, and after hearing them, or realistically watching Jisoo texting for the third week, Seungcheol just suggested that they leave the kids with him and go for a walk. Get coffee, or lunch, just a walk. That’s what they both liked doing together, why make it weird and awkward just because they were now a thruple?

So, after Jeonghan came home from swimming with the kids, he changed, ended up calling Seokmin in his underwear and staring at his wardrobe.

_ “Hyung, really? They’ve seen you in pyjamas, they’ve seen you with kids in the middle of the night and they’ve seen you in the hospital. Jisoo-ya isn’t going to care what you’re wearing-” _

“Seokmin-ah, I know you think you’re being helpful, but you’re not. Objectively I know that. But I don’t  _ know _ that. So you’re just going to have to be a good friend and help me pick my outfit. Please.”

Seokmin sighed and dragged his hand through his hair, “ _ Okay. Okay! Right you’re going walking, just regular park walking or like a hike?” _

“Not a hike, just down by the river.”

_ “Okay. Jeans and a nice chunky jumper? Put on you- how cold is it where you are?” _

“One second,” Jeonghan checked his weather app, “It was chilly enough when I was getting out of the car. It’s not supposed to rain and it says maximum 13 degrees.”

_ “Right, wear your dark blue coat. It’s waterproof isn’t it? And it’s stylish. That light blue jumper you had on the last time I saw you, the one with the rolled neck? And jeans. You’ll look great.” _

Jeonghan smiled, “Okay, thanks-”

“ _ Get dressed and go get your man!”  _ Seokmin sassed and then turned to yell something at his flatmate, “ _ Right, Hannie, I got to go. Have a good time, text me later!” _

Jeonghan waved and hung up, tossing the phone on his bed and pulling out the outfit. He laid it on the bed and went to check on the kids. 

Seungkwan was playing with his Legos in his room and Minghao was still fast asleep. They were both tired, swimming always took it out of them, and today had been particularly intense for Seungkwan. He’d been in a race, they had races once a month, and he’d come third! Jeonghan was unbelievably proud of him. Minghao had made a friend and spent their class clinging to the other child’s wrists while Jeonghan and the little baby’s mother tried to get them to join in.

Jeonghan was pretty confident they’d just go back to sleep when he brought them over to Seungcheol. Or, actually. Maybe he could come here?

Jeonghan sent off a text while he dressed, pulling his jumper over his head to the chime of a new message. His hair fluffed all around his head and he grumbled in the mirror. He normally loved his hair. It was long and silky, and pretty and soft and delicate, but-

He looked so feminine.

And that wasn’t a bad thing, he knew that wasn’t a bad thing, and he probably didn’t look as feminine as he thought he did, but 10% of him wanted to cut it. Maybe a bob, or an angular bob or something that would sort of highlight his bone structure? Something a little more… defined. Less soft and curvy.

Again, not that that was wrong or that he didn’t like it-

Jeonghan tucked the long strands behind his ears and picked up his phone. An ‘of course see you soon’ from Seungcheol. Oh he was a dote.

He ended up brushing it and leaving it down, it would be mostly tucked away under a hat anyway, unless they went into a café or something. It would be grand. He could deal with his irritation later. Or maybe just plait it, that usually made everything better.

Jeonghan opened the door and Seungcheol caught him up into a hug, kissing the tip of his nose and pulling him close. “Urgh, I’ve been wanting to do that since you sent us the text about Hyunil’s hearing last night.”

Jeonghan sagged a tiny bit into the hug, he’d been pushing it out of his mind. The judge had decided, or the prison people, Jeonghan wasn’t particularly bothered to remember. They’d decided that since Hyunil was a doctor and an upstanding member of the community and since he’d behaved well in prison, he was going to be released in July instead of the following January. 12 months instead of 18. There wasn’t anything Jeonghan could do. His lawyer had put forward his case and the judge, probably a bit phobic, had said well his record is otherwise clean and that was that.

Seungkwan trundled down the stairs, “Cheol-hyung!” and Jeonghan let go, letting Seungcheol fully into the house. Jisoo was waiting patiently behind him, Hansol in his carry cot at his feet.

“Oh, Jisoo-ya, I’m so sorry-”

Jisoo cut him off with a hand on his elbow and a kiss to his cheek, “Not at all. Hi, you look gorgeous. Are you ready?”

Jeonghan blushed. “Thank you, you too. And, mm, I have to show-”

“Hannie-ya, I know where everything is, don’t worry. Grab your stuff, I think we’re going to have a couch cuddle session and maybe draw a little bit?” Seungcheol raised his eyebrow at Seungkwan and Seungkwan nodded fiercely.

“I got new colours for my birthday, Hyung you haven’t seen them yet, I want to draw a horse!”

Jeonghan hid a smile, Seungkwan was yet to discover that horses were the devil’s creatures to draw. They had a face and a backside and then a long, no longer that that, no keep going, now it’s too long, back. And legs, don’t get Jeonghan started on the legs. He’d taken one art class ever and the teacher hadn’t been able to stop laughing when a perfectly serious 14 year old Jeonghan had asked her why horses were so hard to draw. He’d never gone back.

He smiled. Let Seungcheol deal with that. He grabbed his keys and wallet, threw on his jacket, patted his pockets for his phone and then followed Jisoo out to his car.

Jisoo started the engine with a quiet, “I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit nervous.” And Jeonghan just reached over and patted his leg.

“Me too Soo-ya, me too.”

The drive was quiet, Jeonghan humming along to the radio, Jisoo doing bits of rap here and there, gentle companionable silence. They parked in a car park near the mouth of the river and got out of the car. It was crisp, Jeonghan was glad he’d brought his hat, and the air smelt clean and fresh. Cold air. That still, clean air smell you associate with the countryside. Jeonghan turned his face up to the sun, the thin beams streaming through the clouds, and smiled.

Jisoo locked the car and brushed his hand against Jeonghan’s. Jeonghan took it and squeezed. They were dating, they could hold hands. He darted a look to Jisoo, feeling like a teenager with how shy he suddenly was, Jisoo had a tiny smile on his face, staring at the gravel.

“So,” Jeonghan started after a few metres of silence, “Seungcheol and I played 20 questions. Do you want to be real youths and play never have I ever? Without the alcohol? If you’ve done the thing you have to tell a story.”

Jisoo laughed, high and bright, “I never played that as a youth! Okay, sure. You go first though, I have to think.”

Swinging their arms, Jeonghan took a second, what to ask what to ask what to ask, “Mmmm, Never have I ever had a yellow car.”

“Obviously. Is it ridiculous to say that I bought it because it was on a discount because of the colour?” Jisoo rushed out and Jeonghan raised an eyebrow.

“No? That’s a perfectly good, if a bit random, reason?”

“My sister thinks I’m insane. Yellow is apparently the most dangerous car colour or something but it’s grown on me. And it was a good €600 cheaper! Okay, my turn, never have I had long hair.”

“Going straight for the probing questions I see, Jisoo-ya-”

“Hey! I’ve known you for nearly a year now, I’ve resisted this long!”

Jeonghan smiled and squeezed Jisoo’s hand, “Shush. Mm, I don’t know I’ve always had it long? Well, never as short as yours or Seungcheol’s, not that I can remember or even think of a picture of to be honest. It was easier to bring me and my sister to the hairdressers at the same time, and to just let it grow. I think it might have been really sticky up short? I don’t know. Anyway, I had it ridiculously long in secondary school, like long long,” he tapped his hand against the base of his rib cage and twisted to show Jisoo, “this long.”

Jisoo’s mouth dropped open and Jeonghan turned back to the path, “I know I know. I know!”

“But-”

“I know. Anyway I chopped it when I started university, to my shoulders, donated the rest to a wig charity, and it's been roughly the same length ever since? This is probably the longest it’s been since I was 18. I haven’t cut it in about, oh 2? Maybe 3 years? I can’t remember. Before we applied for Minghao I think. It grows pretty slowly. I’m probably due a cut, it’s starting to annoy me.”

Jisoo brought their joined hands up to touch Jeonghan's face, twisting to touch his hair with the other, “It’s so soft though.”

Ah, Jeonghan wanted to kiss him. “Thanks, I condition.”

Jisoo bumped his shoulder against Jeonghan’s. “It’ll look good whatever you do.”

“Thanks.”

They were halfway around the trail when Jisoo brought up Jun and Seokmin. “I, I’m not judging you okay, I just want to understand,” he squeezed Jeonghan’s hand tighter, “You never dated them but you like-”

“Dated them in all but the word?”

“Yeah. Like I know there are three of us? But I don’t, I don’t think I could-” Jisoo turned in the path to face Jeonghan, “Please only be dating us?”

Jeonghan bit his lip to stop the automatic reaction of ‘of course and why would you think that and I won’t ever see them’. Isidore had said he needed to stop trying to please everyone. Especially his partners. He needed to be articulate about what he wanted and then come to a compromise. Not just agree to everyone’s requests because he was, Isidore had been firm, because he was scared. “I’m unbelievably grateful that they’re still here and that they took me back after I blew them off and ignored their calls and didn’t go out with them for years. It feels like nothing has changed. Jun is a little more careful with me, but that’s it. They treat me the same way that they always have, and when you invited them to my birthday, that was the first time I’d actually seen them, face to face, in four years? Longer?”

Jisoo had a strange expression on his face and Jeonghan hurried to finish his explanation.

“I love them, they’re like other parts of my soul or something, but I’m not in love with them. And yeah, I think you probably guessed, we had sex on my birthday. I think I’d forgotten what it was all about. I mean-” Jeonghan looked up at the clouds, “I didn’t forget how to have sex, but I think I forgot that it was supposed to feel good? Or I don’t know, that I was supposed to enjoy it and stay present? Sorry, this is depressing.”

Jisoo just held Jeonghan’s hand tighter and stroked his thumb over the back of it reassuringly. “No, no, I mean I want to know whatever you want to tell me, alright?”

Jeonghan nodded, “But that was only because well, firstly I was practically single, and secondly they really wanted to reassure me that they weren’t going anywhere. You know?”

“No,” Jisoo laughed, “I can’t say I do. But that’s okay, different people are different. But what happens the next time they want to reassure you that you’re loved and stuff?”

“I’m dating you and Seungcheol-ah, Jisoo-ya. I’m not going to have sex with anyone else. But I don’t know, hug me probably, kiss me maybe, wrap themselves around me and hold me for as long as I need it. From experience. That’s it. Treat me to cakes and cook me food, but that’s it. And I’ll do the same for them.” Jeonghan stopped himself from saying that if Jisoo was uncomfortable with it, he’d stop. He didn’t want to. He was 33, he had two children, and he thought that he needed his friends more than he needed another relationship if it came to that.

“Okay,” Jisoo nodded, “Do you mind telling us when you kiss them? I’m not gonna say you can’t I just want to know when you do, is that okay?”

Jeonghan exhaled, “Yeah, that’s reasonable. Thank you for being understanding, Jisoo-ya.”

Jisoo tugged Jeonghan into a side hug, resting his cheek on his, “Well I want to understand you, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan breathed him in for several seconds, holding the hug a little longer than was probably appropriate before pulling away, “Okay my turn. Never have I ever moved house and had a baby in the same year.”

“Oh that?” Jisoo huffed as they continued down the path, “Mostly financial. Not to be crass, but I think if you worked full time you’d make more than the two of us. Seungcheol, he’s not very financially inclined. He likes expensive things but he doesn't enjoy working. At least not in jobs that pay very well. And, and well nobody ever became a nurse for the pay. We’d been saving for a house since before we got married, and I wanted to have a baby before we got too old.”

Jeonghan hummed, letting him speak. Seungcheol was on the bottom rung of his department, Jeonghan was practically the head. Over the past few months his boss had been shifting a lot more work onto him and making murmurs about potential retraining for more investigative accounting, Jeonghan was content to see where that went, but he hadn’t really realised money was tight with the Hong-Chois. It made sense. A lot more things were a little clearer.

“It just so happened that the adoption went through and we got cleared for a mortgage at the same time. We were in the apartment for a few months with Hansollie, it was too small. Student sized really. But anyway. I wouldn’t really advise the two at once.”

“I can’t imagine. We moved in on our fourth anniversary. Started to apply for Seungkwan on our fifth, and Minghao on our ninth-”

“Did you always want kids?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan smiled, “I was saying to Seungcheol that I was the broodiest single man in like a 100 km radius. I really wanted them. You?”

“When I was little I wanted three? One of each?” Jisoo laughed, “I still don’t know what I meant by that, but I think I’d still like another after Hansol. Do you want more?”

“I don’t think I’d say no to any more. Maybe a girl would be nice. When Minghao and Hansol have grown up a little perhaps,” Jeonghan hummed, his mind creating pretty pictures of a child that somehow looked like all three of them before he shook his head. They’d only been together a second! This was his first proper date with Jisoo! That was ridiculous! “I have no immediate desire for another baby but I’d love one anyway.”

Jisoo just squeezed his hand in return and they walked a little more in silence. Well, silence between them, the birds in the bushes had no qualms and chirped and chattered loudly. Eventually they brought more questions up, easy ones like foods they’d never tried, places they’d never been; neither of them had been to any of the Scandinavian countries, Things they had or hadn’t done in school, straying carefully away from the more  _ typical _ never have I ever questions for now.

When they got back to their road that afternoon, Jeonghan took Jisoo’s wrists and gently pulled him close against the car, out of view of Jeonghan’s windows. “Can I kiss you?”

Jisoo beamed, eyes sparkling, “Yes please! Cheollie is going to be so mad!”

Jeonghan smothered a cackle and leaned into Jisoo’s space, meeting his lips with a gentle kiss. 

It was quick, just a brush of lips on lips but it still made Jeonghan’s mind quiet into a steady stream of ‘ _ kiss kiss kiss kiss I just kissed him kiss kiss’ _ and by the look on Jisoo’s face it did the same for him. 

Jisoo giggled and leaned forward to kiss Jeonghan again and before long they were mostly laughing and bumping noses.

“We should go in,” Jeonghan managed to get the giggling under control, at some stage they’d ended up wrapped around each other and his fingers traced circles on Jisoo’s hip. “Cheol-ah will be wondering what we’re up to.”

Jisoo kissed him in response and grabbed his hand, heading up to the front door. Jeonghan let them in. The house was quiet. No sign of Seungcheol or the kids in any of the rooms downstairs. Jisoo squeezed Jeonghan’s hand tightly. “He would have texted if he was going over to ours or out for a walk, they’re probably upstairs napping.”

Jeonghan nodded, tugging Jisoo behind him up the stairs, both of them still in hats and scarfs. Neither of the babies were in the nursery and Seungkwan wasn’t in his bedroom. Jeonghan opened the door to his bedroom slowly, and stopped.

Jisoo perched his chin on Jeonghan’s shoulder and the two of them cooed in unison. Seungcheol was flat out asleep on Jeonghan’s bed, the two babies on one side, curled together under his arm, and Seungkwan burrowed into his other side, a blanket over his legs and his teddy grasped in his grip.

“Phone, Jisoo-ya-”

“I’ve got you,” Jisoo whispered, steadying himself with a hand on Jeonghan’s hip and bringing his phone in front of both of them to snap a series of photos. 

Jeonghan turned in Jisoo’s arms and kissed him again, “We’re very lucky.”

“The luckiest.”

“Should we wake them?”

“Join them?” Jisoo murmured, squeezing Jeonghan tightly before letting go, stripping off his coat and woolens and making his way over to the bed. Jeonghan closed the door quietly and followed him, lying down carefully around the babies, head just beside Seungcheol’s on the pillow. The babies didn’t react, just mooched around a tiny bit, hands clasped tightly.

Seungkwan opened his eyes when Jisoo sank down behind him, “Appa?”

“No, Jisoo-hyung. Go back to sleep, sweetie.” Jisoo soothed, tucking the blanket around him firmly and snuggling down behind him.

Seungcheol opened his eyes and looked at Jeonghan, “Hi? We fell asleep-”

Jeonghan arched his neck up to kiss him quiet, smiling at his gasp and kissing it away. Seungcheol turned his head and Jisoo kissed him, muttering a quiet, “I won.” against his lips and snickering quietly at Seungcheol’s pout.

Seungcheol rearranged his arms to curl around their shoulders, and Jeonghan didn’t even spare a thought for his comfort, just scooched closer and pulled the duvet up just enough to cover his knees, resting his hand over the babies backs and letting his eyelids flutter closed.

This was perfection.

  
  
  


Jeonghan pulled the car door shut and leaned his head against the steering wheel. That had been… Harrowing. One of the hardest conversations he’d ever had to have. The-

Tears dripped off his nose and thudded against the leather of the steering wheel. Thud. Thud. Thud. He wanted- 

What did he want?

He wanted his boyfriends. 

He wanted hugs and silence and someone to hold him while he fell apart.

But he had to pick up the kids.

But he wanted his boyfriends.

Jeonghan stared out of the windscreen for a second and picked up his phone. They were probably both in work. He didn’t want to bother them- 

He dialled Jisoo’s number.

“ _ Hi Han _ ,” Jisoo answered, screams in the background, “ _ What’s up?” _

“I’m sorry, is this a bad time?”

“ _ No, no. Hansol is playing with water, he’s having the time of his life. Are you okay? You sound upset-” _

Jeonghan burst into tears, loud and noisy ones, and Jisoo cooed over the line.

“ _ Oh baby, you’re okay. Was it therapy?” _ Jeonghan made some sort of affirmative noise, “ _ Oh baby, you poor thing. You’re so strong. Is there anything I can do?” _

Jeonghan just wanted to be held, now that he was on the line, he couldn’t stop crying, he shouldn’t have rang-

“ _ You absolutely should have. Do you want me to come and pick you up?”  _

“You don’t have to go out of your way-”

_ “Hannie, sweetheart, you’re someone I care so much about, of course I’ll come pick you up. Take a deep breath for me. That’s really good, and another one. That’s it. Keep breathing baby.” _

Jisoo stayed on the phone the entire time it took for him to get Hansol ready and out of the house, and to drive to Jeonghan’s therapist’s office. He parked in front of Jeonghan’s car and hung up.

Jeonghan opened his door and Jisoo wrapped his arms around him, “You’re okay, you’re okay.”

Now that he was here, that he was holding him, Jeonghan properly broke apart, shaking and sobbing and clinging onto Jisoo so tightly, that he was practically bent over. Jisoo smoothed his hair back and pressed his head to his shoulder, holding him.

Eventually Jeonghan managed to stop crying, and loosened his hold on him. 

“There you are. Come on, into my car, and home with you. You’re going on the couch with tea and blankets the second we get home, okay?”

Jeonghan nodded against his jumper and slowly pulled away. “The kids, I have to pick the kids up-”

“Cheol-ah will get them on the way home. I’ll ring Mingyu-ya right now and ask him to hold onto them for another hour. Okay?”

He should ring, he was their father, that was his job-

“But I don’t mind doing this. Unless you want to?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No, I, my voice,” it was wrecked, “but you don’t have to, Jisoo-ya?”

“I know that, love. I know,” Jisoo pecked him on the forehead and opened his passenger door for him to sit into. “Anything in your car that you need?”

“Briefcase, phone, keys.”

“Right, I’ll get those. Hansollie, say ‘Hi’ to Jeonghannie!” Jisoo cooed before closing the door. 

“Hana!!” Hansol screeched and Jeonghan turned around, wiping uselessly at his face.

“Indoor voices Hansollie. Hiya. Did you have fun with the water?”

He nodded his head, “Yes!!” Before releasing a stream of babbly words that Jeonghan nodded along to, chipping in every few words with a ‘really?’ or ‘that’s great’. It was so easy to slip into parent mode, so much so that when Jisoo got into the car and tucked Jeonghan’s briefcase behind his chair, Jeonghan was hit with a wave of momentary confusion. And then the very pertinent desire to curl up in his lap and stay there. 

“How are my loves?” Jisoo patted Jeonghan’s hand and turned to look at Hansol, getting a happy ‘Papa!’ in response. “I rang Mingyu-ya, he’s grand with minding them until Cheol-ah gets them, and I rang Cheol-ah, he’s gonna swing by here to get your seats, I hid the key in the wheel. All okay?”

Jeonghan nodded and leaned across to press his forehead against Jisoo’s briefly. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome.”

Jisoo followed through on his promise, and had Jeonghan tucked into the couch the second they got home, Hansol on his lap. A mug of tea was quickly sourced and placed on the table beside him, and then Jisoo pressed a kiss to both of their heads.

“I’m in for a night shift so I’m going to go get changed. Cheollie will be home soon. Okay?”

Jeonghan took a shaky inhale, “Yeah. Sorry to be a bother-”

“Not at all. Relax there for a bit, you can turn on the TV if you want, I’ll be quick.”

Jisoo hurried up the stairs and Jeonghan’s phone lit up, a text from Seungcheol.

**Seungcheol 17:45**

Just picked up the kids   
Home in 15

Jeonghan’s heart soared. ‘The kids’. 

**Jeonghan 17:46**

Thank you x   
See you soon

He dropped the phone into the blankets, focusing on Hansol. He always seemed content to just sit and be with Jeonghan, even though by all rights he should be going through another clingy phase right now. Seungkwan had spent his entire 18th month screaming the house down every time Jeonghan had left his sight, and God forbid someone else mind him. But Hansol just seemed happy to curl into Jeonghan’s space and chatter away to him. 

At that moment, he was singing something quietly, probably something from their creche, and Jeonghan hummed along with him. Hansol stopped and looked up at him, “Hanna?”

“Do you want to sing? We can sing! What about… I know an old lady who swallowed a fly?”

Hansol giggled and reached up to touch Jeonghan’s face. Jeonghan kissed his fingers, “There was an old lady who swallowed a fly, I don’t know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she’ll die!” 

Hansol giggled and patted Jeonghan’s nose, Jeonghan twitched it and watched Hansol giggle so hard he nearly fell off his chest. Jeonghan steadied him and started the next part. “I know an old lady who swallowed a spider that wriggled,” Jeonghan tickled Hansol’s tummy, “and wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly, but I don’t know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she’ll die!”

They were just singing, “I know an old lady who swallowed a dog, what a hog to swallow a dog! She swallowed the dog to catch the cat, she swallowed the cat to catch the bird, she swallowed the bird to catch the spider that wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly but I don’t know why she swallowed the fly! Perhaps she’ll die.” When Jisoo came back down the stairs.

“What  _ are _ you singing Han-ah?”

“I know an old lady who swallowed a fly? Have you never heard it?” Jeonghan twisted to look at him and felt rather than saw Hansol slip off the couch. He grabbed blindly and got the back of his shirt. “Oh Hansollie, love, are you okay?”

Jisoo hurried around, kneeling so he could see, and they waited for Hansol to react. He hadn’t fallen, merely floated in midair for a brief second before Jeonghan had snatched him back, and he just blinked, face screwing up in preparation for a good auld wail. Jeonghan and Jisoo leaned in at the same time to kiss his cheeks and instead of crying, Hansol giggled, reaching out to pet their faces.

“Oh you’re so good!” Jisoo sang and kissed his nose, “You are too darling,” he kissed Jeonghan’s nose and then rocked back on his feet. “I’ll be home around midnight hopefully. Cheol-ah is on his way, you’re welcome to stay over, our bed is plenty big. I’ll try not to wake you when I get in.”

Jeonghan, well why should he hide his emotions? They were so raw and exposed from earlier anyway. He pulled Jisoo in by the shoulder and kissed him, trying to pour all his love and affection and adoration and thanks and trust into it. Jisoo just tucked Jeonghan’s hair behind his ear and when he pulled back, leaned his forehead against his.

“That a yes?”

“I love you.” Maybe it was too soon.

Jisoo kissed him gently, “Love you too.”

Seungcheol arrived as Jisoo was leaving and soon, Jeonghan had three kids on his lap. Seungkwan talked mile-a-minute about a speaker that had come into class with a rabbit and had talked about how rabbits don’t like being picked up, how they get scared and think they’re going to be eaten every time someone picks them up. Talked about how Mingyu-hyung had let him take pictures with his camera and he’d taken one of Minghao and of Mingyu and of the sky and the sun but not while looking at it cause that was dangerous and “Appa have you been crying?”

Jeonghan smoothed Seungkwan’s hair away from his face and smiled reassuringly, “I’m okay love. Just a little upset. But Jisoo-ya and Hansollie made it all better.”

Seungkwan scrunched his nose, “But your voice is all sad, can I kiss it better?” He leaned in to kiss Jeonghan’s cheeks, crushing Hansol and Minghao in his attempt to get as close as possible. Jeonghan thanked him and wriggled the kids free, trying to anchor them all on top of him and failing. Every few seconds someone’s leg would start to slip and they’d slide-

Seungcheol leaned over the couch to kiss Jeonghan hello, quick and fleeting but no less reassuring and grounding. He wrapped an arm at the side of the couch to catch the slipping babies, and as he pulled back, Jeonghan reached for his hand, squeezing tight and blinking back the sudden rush of tears. 

“You’re safe here,” Seungcheol whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead, “Promise. Cry if you need to.”

Jeonghan shook his head, “Not now.”

“Appa hasn’t cried in ages!!” Seungkwan piped up, beaming and patting Jeonghan’s cheeks before slipping off the couch, “Appa, can you, you promised we’d make chicken wraps tonight?”

“Your Appa has had a long day, Seungkwannie-”

Jeonghan sat up properly and repositioned the kids, “No, it’s fine. I promised, and anyway if we’re having a sleepover here then I have to go and get pyjamas for everyone anyway. I’ll grab the ingredients while I’m over there. It’ll take my mind off things Cheol-ah, just-” He faltered.

“Appa likes it when we stay close when he’s upset,” Seungkwan whispered loudly to Seungcheol, “And touch him. My hugs are magical, yours might be too.”

Jeonghan came back with the ingredients and changes of clothes, Seungcheol hovering worriedly for a while, before recognising that Jeonghan was in Parent Mode and disappearing off with the children. He sent in one of them every few minutes to see how Jeonghan was, but otherwise stayed out of his hair. Jeonghan put on some music and cooked, letting his emotions attempt to settle. He knew he’d cry again later, knew he’d break back down once the kids were in bed, but right now he could do this.

Seungkwan adored chicken wraps. Build his up high and chattered through the thorns and roses of his day, listening to Seungcheol’s, “I had a really good meeting with my boss, and I got to collect you two from Mingyu-ya’s!” and patting his arm sympathetically when he said, “And I stepped in a puddle on the way home.”

“Appa? What are your thorns and roses?”

“Well I had a very hard conversation with Isidore-ssi, and that made me upset, but then your hyung, Jisoo-ya picked me up and hugged me so tight. And then you three came home and kissed me, so that’s a rose isn’t it?”

“I knew Hyung’s hugs were magical. Nearly as good as mine.”

Jeonghan couldn’t wait for the other two to be speakers, the most he got now from either of them was a “Paint! Happy!” From Hansol and a giggly shy smile from Minghao. He cut up some pieces of chicken smaller and wiped Minghao’s chin. They had the best children.

The kids went to bed easily, Minghao happy to sleep beside Hansol, and Seungkwan overjoyed at getting an entire double bed to himself. Jeonghan came back down the stairs, Seungcheol had cleaned up the kitchen and was sitting on the couch with two mugs of hot chocolate and a home renovation program on low. Jeonghan felt the tears rising back up and managed to get shakily over to the couch and drop into Seungcheol’s lap before they clawed their way out of him, loud and messy.

Seungcheol wrapped his arms around him and kept kissing his hair, rubbing his back and murmuring promises and love until he cried himself out. And then handing him a tissue, unearthing a bottle of water from somewhere and waiting until Jeonghan felt he could speak.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now, it’s- my ex. We talked a lot about him today. It brought it all back up.”

“Of course it did. You’re so brave, and I love you.”

Jeonghan pressed a tiny kiss to Seungcheol’s jawline and snuggled further into him. “Thank you. You both, you make this easier.”

Seungcheol pulled the throw down on top of them, handed Jeonghan his hot chocolate and hired up volume on the TV. “We’re here.”

They brushed their teeth side by side, washed their faces side by side, and then Jeonghan nabbed his pyjamas and changed in the bathroom, a purple heavy winter quilted flannel set. He hovered in the doorway of the bedroom, the clothes folded in his hands the only thing stopping him from fiddling with his fingers.

Seungcheol looked up from plugging his phone in, “Hey.”

“Hi,” Jeonghan raised the pile higher, “Where can I put these?”

Seungcheol blushed lightly, opening their wardrobe, a beautiful set of Slide-Robes that must have come with the house, “We set aside some space.”

Jeonghan put them on one of the three! shelves and wrapped his arms around Seungcheol’s neck, squeezing tight and whispering a litany of thank yous.

Seungcheol laughed quietly when Jeonghan pressed as close to him as he physically could in bed, but draped his arm over his waist, keeping him close. Jeonghan slotted his fingers through Seungcheol’s. “I'm clingy.”

“So’m I.”

It took him a while, a different bed, Seungcheol, his day; but Jeonghan drifted off to sleep before Jisoo came home. He woke briefly when Jisoo was getting ready for bed, but went back to sleep when Jisoo just touched both of their heads gently before slipping in on the other side of Seungcheol. Safe.

  
  


He woke up in the middle of the night, terrified. Seungcheol had an arm thrown over his stomach. Jeonghan felt sick. He couldn’t breathe. He tried to breathe, staring at the ceiling, trying to convince himself that he was safe. Seungcheol and Jisoo wouldn’t touch him like that unless he asked. He was in the same clothes he fell asleep in. Thick purple pyjamas. He didn’t feel sore. He was okay. He was-

Not breathing.

Clearly he was making enough noise, or maybe Jisoo just had a very parent tuned ear, for he sat up slowly, rubbing his eyes. “Cheollie is that you?” His accent was thick around the words, and Jeonghan tried to cling to it. Hyunil hadn’t had an accent. They weren’t him.

“Soo-” Jeonghan managed and Jisoo was reaching across the bed, poking Seungcheol, reaching for Jeonghan’s hands.

Jeonghan flinched. Jisoo stopped, burned. “Han?”

He couldn’t, he stared at Jisoo, willing his body to get its act together, “You’re not Hyunil.”

Comprehension flitted across Jisoo’s face and he shook Seungcheol’s shoulder, “Wake up Cheol. Move your arm.”

Seungcheol grumbled, “Wha? Sollie?”

“No, Han.” Seungcheol moved quicker at that, lifting to look at him and moving his arm, letting Jeonghan curl instinctively into a tiny ball and suck in large breaths through his teeth.

“Hannie? What is it?”

Jeonghan wanted them to go away, he wanted them to hold him, he wanted his babies, he wanted, he didn’t know what he wanted. He needed to know they hadn’t touched him.

“Tell me,” he gasped, pressing his hand against his sternum, “tell me you didn’t touch me-” tears slipped down his cheeks and he pressed his eyes shut, willing them to stop.

Seungcheol sounded offended when he snapped out an “Of course we didn’t we’re not monsters.” 

Jisoo was gentler, “We didn’t. We wouldn’t do that. Ever. Can you tell us why you thought that?”

Jeonghan blamed his tiredness and mental state for the shaky, “Sometimes I woke up in different pyjamas.”

Jisoo wrapped his arms around Seungcheol, swallowing down words. Jeonghan just stared at them, he didn’t know what he was waiting for, he wanted his heart to stop racing. He wanted his kids.

They were in the next room. 

Before Jeonghan knew what he was doing he was out of the bedroom and into the nursery, staring down at Minghao and Hansol’s faces. He knew the baby monitor was linked up to their bedroom. And still. He’d always had his children. They couldn’t hurt him, not truly, and he loved them so much

Jeonghan whispered murmurs of love, of adoration, of thanks to the babies. The longer he stood there, the more he relaxed, until he wasn’t gripping the bars of the crib with white knuckles, but just leaning on it. He took a deep breath and went to check on Seungkwan. 

He was conked out in the middle of the guest bedroom’s double bed, teddy on the floor, blankets tangled around his waist. Jeonghan closed the door carefully.

He took some deep breaths, and padded back into the bedroom. Seungcheol and Jisoo were sitting up, one of the lamps was on and they looked up when he entered, gentle eyes and gentle body language. Jeonghan relaxed a little. They weren’t mad.

He opened his mouth but Jisoo beat him to it. “Don’t apologise.”

“Hannie, can we hug you?” Seungcheol sounded like he’d been crying and Jeonghan drew in a shaky breath. He hadn’t meant to say anything hadn’t meant to upset them- “Don’t overthink it, please. It’s nearly 4 am.”

Jeonghan went over to the bed, kneeling into the middle and wrapping his arms around Seungcheol. Jisoo slowly wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s waist and pressed his forehead against his shoulder.

Only after Jeonghan started to get a cramp in his leg did they lie back down properly, and even then, they stayed pressed together, Seungcheol’s tears a damp patch on Jeonghan’s shirt, Jeonghan’s tears a damp patch on Seungcheol’s t-shirt. 

“Do you think you can sleep?” Jisoo whispered, Seungcheol huffing out puffy little half snores. 

Jeonghan reached for Jisoo’s hand and wrapped it around his middle, “I want to. I trust you. It’s just leftovers.” It had a name. But calling it that, it was too definite. Leftovers at least implied that they’d leave.

Jisoo pressed a kiss to his nape and laced his fingers with Jeonghan’s. “Okay. I promise we’ll never do anything without asking or without consent. We love you, we don’t ever want to hurt you.”

“Thank you, I know, I love you, I just, if I could control my brain and my body, but I can’t.” Jeonghan twisted to look at him, his eyes tracing the shape of his nose, dainty, delicate. He trusted him. Jisoo had never been anything but gentle and perfect.

“I know, I know. We’re here whenever you want to talk. Promise we’ll listen and be nice.”

Jeonghan leaned in to press his lips to Jisoo’s, just a ghost of a kiss, a touch of ‘love affection trust thanks’. Jisoo smiled.

“Sleep now.” Jeonghan closed his eyes, comfortable.

“Sleep well. No nightmares.”

  
  
  
  


“Is it odd that I think of Hansol as mine?” Jeonghan asked Isidore quietly and the doctor shook their head.

“No. Or at least it’s not bad odd or wrong or anything. You spend lots of time with him, you’re dating his parents, you love him, he loves you. Maybe bring it up with them whenever you feel comfortable to do so, but it’s not bad.”

  
  
  
  


The next time Jeonghan stayed over, it was unseasonably warm for late march. He’d packed a summer nightie, unthinkingly, just tossed it in. But now, standing in the bathroom, plaiting his hair into something manageable for bed, all he could think of was how Jisoo had frowned the last time he’d seen him in a nightdress, and how he really wanted this to work-

“Hannie?” Seungcheol knocked on the bathroom door, “Everything alright?”

“Yeah,” Jeonghan unlocked the door and stepped into the doorway, “Just, it’s warm so I wore this-”

“What are you worried about?” Seungcheol leaned against him and pressed his cheek against his.

“Soo-ya doesn’t like me in dresses.” Jeonghan whispered and Seungcheol shook his head.

“That’s not it, I don’t think? And he’d never seen you in one, love. How do you know he doesn't like it? And even if he doesn’t, clothes are for you-”

“But what if he gets mad?” 

Seungcheol rubbed Jeonghan’s back gently, “He won’t.”

“What are you two whispering about?” Jisoo called from the bedroom and Jeonghan reached for Seungcheol’s hand, squeezing tightly, he didn’t know why he was so nervous and uncomfortable all of a sudden, didn’t know why, no he knew. He wanted them both to love all of him.

“Nothing!” Jeonghan tried for casual but his voice went too high and Jisoo padded out to look for them.

“Are you okay?”

Jeonghan nodded, holding his folded clothes tightly to his front and looking at some point between Jisoo’s eyes.

“Seungcheol-ah?” Jisoo looked between them, “What’s wrong?”

Seungcheol rubbed Jeonghan’s back again, “Jeonghan’s worried. Sorry love. He’s worried about your reaction.”

“My reaction?” Jisoo padded down the hallway towards them, “To what, your nightdress?”

Jeonghan nodded, he knew he looked too feminine right now, too-

“As long as you’re comfortable and you’re wearing it because you like it, I don’t care if you wear a black bag, Han-ah. Don’t worry about my reaction to something you like. If you like wearing it, I like it on you. Okay?”

“Okay. But before?”

Jisoo huffed and wrapped Jeonghan in a bear hug, “You’re very pretty in dresses but I just didn’t expect it okay? I didn’t mean anything by it, promise. As long as you’re wearing it because you want to, okay?”

Jeonghan nodded, “Yeah yeah I get you. Okay. This applies to all clothes right? Not just dresses?” He pulled back and went to put his clothes away.

“Why? Do you wear pretty lingerie too?”

Jeonghan froze, how did they- He turned around but Jisoo was smiling. “Sometimes, they’re softer than regular stuff.”

Seungcheol went to check on the kids and Jeonghan and Jisoo got into bed, Jeonghan squishing beside Jisoo until Jisoo wrapped an arm around him.

“You know you don’t have to take up so little space, right? Our bed is massive.”

“I like being close to you.”

“You and Seungcheol are just the same. Tell me about your lingerie,” Jisoo sounded amused, “Are we talking just underpants here?”

“I like stay ups. They’re like stockings that clip onto garter belts but they have a sort of sticky thing at the top so they hold themselves up. They’re so silky. Especially under work trousers. I went shopping with Jeonghee when I turned 16? 17? Around then, and I’ve been buying them ever since. Pants are harder, mens lingerie is so unflattering, there are some fetish shops that stock nice things though, just have to be careful.”

Seungcheol flopped down beside them and Jisoo reached for his wrist. “I’m learning about a whole new side of Jeonghan,” his voice was gravelly, “he has a collection-”

Jeonghan wriggled free of his arms and rolled over to lie against Seungcheol, “I don’t have to ever show you!”

Jisoo rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling with a smile, “The mere suggestion is absolutely enough.”

Jeonghan blushed and turned his face into the pillow, Seungcheol patting his back with an amused, “There, there.”

“You’re awful-”

“But you love me.” Jisoo sounded like the cat that got the cream and Jeonghan reached out, face still smushed into the pillow, to snag his wrist. He did. He loved them both.

  
  


~ _a_ _ pril~ _

  
  
  


Jeonghan was singing a lullaby quietly into Hansol’s ear, swaying him gently as the boy cried and hiccoughed. Something he sang to the kids all the time, “Hush little baby don’t you cry, Appas tryna sing you a lullaby-” Jisoo was half asleep on the couch, Hansol had been crying all day long and neither Jisoo nor Seungcheol could get him to settle, and Jeonghan had eventually insisted that they let him try.

Hansol eventually stopped crying, just sniffling and pressing his face against Jeonghan’s chest as Jeonghan sat down and draped a blanket over his back. “There you go love, you’re okay, promise.”

Hansol reached for Jeonghan’s hand and grabbed it tightly, “Appa~” he whined quietly and Jeonghan just cooed, rubbing his back and settling the blanket around his shoulders.

It was only when Seungcheol started apologising that he looked up and took in Jisoo’s expression and thought back over the past few seconds. Oh.

Oops?

Jeonghan kissed Hansol’s head and settled further into the couch, how exactly to explain that he thought of Hansol as his own anyway and that this just made him feel like he was walking on cloud nine?

“Appa?” Seungkwan stood and walked over to look Jeonghan in the eye, “Does this mean I can call Hyungs ‘Papa’ and ‘Daddy’ now?”

Jeonghan held back a laugh, just freed an arm to pull Seungkwan against him and kiss his forehead, “You’d have to ask them, but I don’t see why not? As long as that’s what you want, baby?”

Neither Seungcheol nor Jisoo said anything for several moments and Jeonghan curled his arm tighter around Seungkwan. He hadn’t really considered that they’d have an issue with it, maybe they didn’t want to coparent, maybe they didn’t want him to love Hansol like his own? Jeonghan tried to keep his hand on Hansol’s back relaxed and gentle, tried to tie up the emotion that felt a lot like rejection and bundle it up into a box. He was really going to need them to love his children though. 

“Seungkwannie, maybe not today,” Jeonghan rubbed his shoulder, “Don’t worry, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sure your hyungs love you just as much okay? Names are important. Remember-”

“It’s okay Hannie,” Seungcheol cut across gently, “Seungkwan-ah you can call me Daddy if you want alright? Or stick with Hyung. I don’t mind, whatever you’re comfortable with alright?”

Seungkwan pulled away from Jeonghan and hurried over to Seungcheol, stepping between his legs and bouncing slightly, “Well, you’re dating my Appa. And I know you’re not my real daddy. I don’t know who that is-”

Jeonghan closed his eyes and breathed slowly. He knew he was adopted, they’d told him as soon as they could, they didn’t want him to get teased or upset when people said he couldn’t have two daddies, but it didn’t mean that that didn’t still hurt to hear. Of course he wasn’t his birth parent, but it didn’t mean that Seungkwan wasn’t 100% his son. He dug a tissue out of his sleeve to wipe Hansol’s nose. There weren’t exactly rules for when or how soon your kids could call your partners by different titles, or for how you dealt with divorce and adoption or for your heart being several sizes too big and just wanting to love everything you came within five feet of. 

He tuned back in just in time to see Jisoo press a kiss to Seungkwan’s cheeks and say, “Of course you can call me Papa. I’m honoured. But this means I can give out to you and send you to bed early and things like that, are you sure you want it?” Jisoo teased and looked up over Seungkwan’s head to lock eyes with Jeonghan. 

Jeonghan just smiled and moved the blanket so that Jisoo could see Hansol fast asleep, Jeonghan’s hand caught fast between his own. It was only fair.

“I’m always good! You don’t have to give out to me!” Seungkwan turned to Jeonghan, “Amn’t I Appa?”

“The bestest boy I could ever want Seungkwan-ah.”

“See! Appa says so!”

“Oh well, if Appa says so, then it must be true,” Jisoo grinned and tickled Seungkwan’s sides, peppering kisses all over his face and the knot in Jeonghan’s stomach unwound. 

Minghao chose that moment to whine, loudly, “Appa!” pulling himself up by the side of the couch and Jeonghan patted his hair, he was getting chattier lately, even if it was pretty much just ‘appa’ and ‘nana’ and ‘no’. Jeonghan would take all of his words just to hear him speak.

“Appa appa appa!” Minghao chattered, swaying back and forth on and gripping tightly to the side of the couch.

“Appa! Appa Appa!!” Seungkwan imitated, and Jisoo tapped his nose.

“Don’t make fun of your brother. Cuddle with one of us or you can help Seungcheol-ah make lunch-”

Seungcheol grumbled but obligingly stood up.

“-or you can practice the song you’re singing on Friday?”

Jeonghan turned his face up for a kiss as Seungcheol passed him, reaching out to snag his wrist as he walked by. Seungcheol turned back and smiled, bending to kiss him. “Thanks. We can talk later.” Jeonghan whispered against his lips and Seungcheol kissed him again and squeezed his hand before going on into the kitchen to make lunch.

Seungkwan decided to practice his song, and Jisoo got the backing music up, halting only to help Minghao up onto the couch beside him, the baby having decided he wanted someone all to himself to cuddle.

It was domestic and blissy and Jeonghan just wanted it always.

Of course, once the kids went to bed, Hansol down beside Minghao, they did have to talk. Jeonghan rushed to get his apologies out, but Jisoo just raised an eyebrow.

“What are you apologising for?”

Jeonghan pressed his hands to the side of his mug, the heat bleeding through the ceramic. “I didn’t mean to push, maybe it's too early, I should have mentioned it-”

Seungcheol nudged his shoulder with his own, “Mentioned what? That Hansol was going to accidentally call you Appa? How could you have known that?”

“Don’t be like that.” Jeonghan muttered, he just wanted to get his words out! “I should have said when I started feeling paternal about your son. I should have asked you if you wanted to co-parent and not just assumed you would. I, we should have talked about pacing and things. Maybe this is going too fast for you, I’m sorry.”

Seungcheol made another cup of tea, and they shared a look that Jeonghan couldn’t decipher.

“I’m sorry?” 

Jisoo put his hand on his, “Darling, stop apologising for things when you think we’re mad. We’re not mad. And you haven’t done anything wrong. Not that I can see anyway. What about you Cheol-ah?”

“No, nothing wrong.”

“Right. And, we sort of knew you think of Hansollie as your own? Remember when you stayed over first? And had a nightmare?”

Jeonghan nodded, how could he ever forget?

Jisoo twisted his lips, “We couldn’t help but overhear, the monitor was on, we didn’t mean to-”

“What Shua is trying to say,” Seungcheol sat back down and Jeonghan raised an eyebrow, “Soo-ya I mean, what he’s trying to say is that you called them both your children. You always sort of do I suppose, even in the way you treat Hansol, no differently to Minghao, with no less love than your own two. And in creche, Hansol draws all three of us when they do family portraits. And Minghao and Seungkwan.”

“Are you serious? That is quite possibly the cutest thing I’ve heard in the past hour!”

“And about moving too fast. We’re all in our thirties. Studies show,” Jisoo held his hand up to Seungcheol’s rolled eyes, “Studies show that the older you are the quicker you know what you want. So as long as we’re all comfortable I don’t see what’s wrong with it?”

“And are you? Comfortable I mean? Just because you’re dating me,” Jeonghan pinched his fingers, “doesn’t mean you have to be-”

“No!” Seungcheol reached for his hand and Jisoo shook his head.

“God no! You and the kids. Of course. No we wouldn’t-”

“Okay, okay, brilliant, just double checking, triple checking I suppose. We should talk though, when it's not late, about parenting things and boundaries and stuff.”

“Yeah, we will.”

They moved to the couch and flicked on a film, although Jeonghan lost track of it after about 15 minutes, he was too caught up in kissing Seungcheol.

“Do you want to take this upstairs?” Seungcheol whispered against Jeonghan’s lips between kisses and Jeonghan shook his head sharply. “What’s wrong?”

“Can we just kiss?” 

“Of course we can, I just thought you’d be more comfortable. We can stay here.”

Jeonghan nodded and leaned back in to kiss him again, hands curled around his nape. Seungcheol rubbed his back, slipping fingers under his shirt and just petting at the skin at the base of Jeonghan’s spine.

Jeonghan tensed, lips stilling against Seungcheol.

“Hannie?”

Jeonghan just kissed him back in response, humming against his lips. 

When Seungcheol’s hand moved higher up Jeonghan’s back, Jeonghan just got tenser, until Seungcheol pulled his hand away and broke their kiss. “Hannie,” he kissed Jeonghan’s cheek, “You can tell me when you don’t like something. I promise I’ll never mind.”

Jeonghan huffed, “I’m fine-”

Jisoo finally came back in from the kitchen, three mugs in his hands, “What’s wrong?”

Jeonghan shook his head and pressed his face against Seungcheol’s neck. “Nothing’s wrong, Cheol-ah is being overcautious.”

“Jeonghan-ah, I’m not going to kiss you if you’re tensing up, that’s not okay.”

“We’ve been dating for months.” Jeonghan whispered and Jisoo sat down, rubbing Jeonghan’s shoulder.

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“You’re married.”

“Yeah, but not to you, we’re new to you and you’re new to us. We want to go at your pace, honey.” Jisoo tried to soothe but Jeonghan froze, heartbeat picking up. His tears started to wet Seungcheol’s shoulder and he tugged Jeonghan away so he could see his face.

"Jeonghan-ah? What is it?"

"Nothing, it's, I overreacted, sorry, yes I know-"

Jisoo frowned, hand stilling on Jeonghan’s shoulder, "I'm not attached to honey. Is that what it is?"

"Do you not mind? I just, Hyunil used it a lot and it has bad memories."

"That's okay. What other pet names did he use, Hannie? Just so we don't hurt you." Seungcheol asked gently, arm still around Jeonghan's shoulders.

He tried to relax into the embrace, tried to relax, but he couldn't. Started shaking a little. Seungcheol removed his arm and Jisoo removed his hand and Jeonghan ached, he didn't want them to go- "I'm sorry-"

"We pushed, we shouldn't've. It's okay. You're safe here. We promise. Nothing will ever happen with us that you don't want to, okay?" 

Jeonghan nodded and reached out to take their hands, holding them shakily. "’Honey’ and ‘Sweetie’, and ‘love’, but I use love all the time, love is okay. He used ‘baby’ too, but I like when you say it,” Jeonghan rushed out, squeezing Jisoo’s hand.

Jisoo squeezed back, “That’s good, baby. Anything else?”

“He liked,” Jeonghan’s breath hitched and he looked down at their hands, “He liked to call me his wife, or his girl, baby girl, good girl. Other things too but they weren’t pet names,” Jeonghan shook his head, “I hate that he took a word away from my dictionary.”

Seungcheol gripped his hand tightly, “What a bastard. Hannie, we won’t use those, okay? Nothing you don’t like, remember?”

Jeonghan nodded, swallowing down tears, wanting to hide back in Seungcheol’s neck, but knowing that he had to have this conversation. 

"What about darling?" Jisoo gripped his hand tightly.

"Angel?"

“Sweetheart?”

"Treasure?" 

"What about if we just use your name? Hm? Hannie?" 

"Jeonghannie?" 

"Jeonghanna? Hanna? Like Hansol calls or well, used to call you? We can steal it now that he’s using Appa,” Jisoo grinned, “I already call you Han, Hanna isn’t such a big step. As long as you don’t think it’s too feminine?” Jisoo sounded worried, and Jeonghan pressed a kiss to his cheek.

Jeonghan was blushing, looking everywhere but their faces, "Not too feminine. Feminine isn’t the issue, it’s just, I’m not a girl. I’m a man. I like wearing pretty things and yeah I wear makeup but I’m a man. As long as you know that. Hyunil wanted me to be what he wanted. And I wasn’t, not really. So, yes please? All of that?" Treasure sounded reverent.

"We know you’re a man, promise,” Seungcheol murmured, “But tell us if you ever feel uncomfortable, alright?”

Jeonghan nodded. “I promise to try.”

That got him a kiss on his collarbone and a pleased, ‘That’s all I ask’ from Seungcheol.

Jeonghan swallowed, "What do you like?" He moved so that he was in Seungcheol’s lap instead of straddling his legs, and tucked himself against his chest. Seungcheol wrapped his arms around him and rested his chin on his head. 

"Well I call Jisoo-ya 'love' and well I think that's it actually. Shua sometimes, it’s a college nickname. Generally I tend to stick to names."

"I use Cheol-ah or Cheollie-ya mostly, but sometimes weird ones slip out. Honey-bunch, lover, mine, useful engine. Random stuff. But you can call me whatever you want, Hannie. I promise I don't mind."

Jeonghan nodded and kissed their cheeks, “Love you both, right? Just, slow and steady.”

“Of course.”

They watched the rest of the movie in comfortable silence, occasionally punctuated with Jisoo’s sassy commentary, until Jeonghan drifted off to sleep, still in Seungcheol’s lap.

He woke up in Seungcheol’s arms halfway up the stairs, going still until Seungcheol whispered a “Just me, you fell asleep,” into his hair. He elbowed the door open and set Jeonghan down on the bed. “We’re still staying, right?”

Jeonghan nodded, shimmying back up the bed and flopping down onto the pillows. Seungcheol huffed and changed before lying down beside him.

Jisoo closed the door behind him, “Han-ah, you’ve got to change into pyjamas. You’re going to overheat. Here, sit up, let me help you.”

Jeonghan leaned into Jisoo and together they managed to get him into pyjamas. Jisoo changed quickly and then slipped in beside him, Jeonghan turning immediately to snuggle into him.

“I am a cuddle bug magnet, this is my life now.” Jisoo sighed, but wrapped an arm around his shoulders, patted Seungcheol’s back and closed his eyes. He loved it really.

  
  
  
  


Seokmin came through on his promise and a few weeks later, sent Jeonghan out three tickets with an invite to dinner afterwards. The musical was brilliant, a theatrical rendition of King Arthur and The Knights of the Round Table, with Seokmin as King Arthur. Jeonghan couldn’t keep his eyes in his head for the entire performance, and as soon as it was over, he led Jisoo and Seungcheol through the throngs to the backstage door.

“Hi, Jeonghan Yoon for Seokmin Lee?”

The security guard nodded, “You have a Seungcheol and a Jisoo with you? Go on through.”

Jeonghan knocked on Seokmin’s changing room, taking the large bouquet off Seungcheol and thrusting it in Seokmin’s face when he opened the door.

“You were amazing!! So amazing!! You made me cry!! Seokminnie when did you get so brilliant!!” Jeonghan hugged him tightly and pressed kisses to his cheek.

“Thank you, hyung! I’m so glad you enjoyed it!” Seokmin wrapped an arm around Jeonghan’s waist and leaned to put the bouquet on a chair. “Thank you for the flowers. Hyungs? I hope you enjoyed it?”

“I loved it, it was so emotive, your speech was truly passionate, truly, unreal. I’m, wow.” Jisoo managed, he didn’t really have words, mind blank, brain empty.

“Well done, Seokmin-ah, truly brilliant.”

“Ah, thank you, hyungs! Let me get changed and then we’ll get dinner? I made a reservation for the Italian place around the back? Have you seen Jun?”

Jeonghan pulled away, “No, was he here?”

“He should be. Hmm,” Seokmin pulled his shirt over his head, hung it up and grabbed his phone, “Yeah, he’s in the lobby, says he doesn’t want to see anymore of my ugly mug. He’s bawling his eyes out isn’t he?”

Jeonghan hummed, “Probably, we’ll go find him, see you later!”

  
  


Jeonghan wasn’t worried exactly, about what his friends were going to do to Seungcheol and Jisoo, but there was a reason that the first time they’d seen them since they’d gotten together had taken so long. Jun and Seokmin were protective, rightly so.

So when Jun pulled him down into the booth beside him with a kiss to his cheek, well to the corner of his lips really, Jeonghan just smiled. 

There was so much food on his plate he had to put his hands over it, “Guys, I get that the four of you are doing some sort of dominance display but I can only eat so much, please. Think of my stomach. I’m going to the bathroom, can someone get a new plate and fix that? Thank you. I love you all, please stop.” Jeonghan stood up and put his napkin down beside his plate.

He took way longer than he needed to in the bathroom, washing his hands extra slowly and checking his appearance in the mirror, his hair longer than he wanted it to be. It was just getting scraggly at this stage. A cut was needed.

He came back to the table and sat back down to his regular sized plate with a regular sized amount of food and to Seokmin and Jun pressing kisses to his cheeks in unison. “Forgiven.”

Seungcheol shook his head, a smile beaming across his lips, he blew a kiss and Jeonghan caught it, “Forgiven.”

Jisoo smirked but blew his own kiss, “Forgiven.”

“See, you’re all going to get on, just, chill.”

They did, Seungcheol chatting away with Jun about business ownership and cats of all things, while Seokmin, Jeonghan and Jisoo talked about the Korean music industry, theatre, and nursing, until they were literally kicked out to make room for the next booking. 

Seungcheol dropped them home, he was going to visit his mother and to collect the kids. They stepped into Jisoo and Seungcheol’s hall, and stared at each other for several seconds before Jisoo gave into the jealousy he’d been pushing down all through dinner.

“Sweetheart you’re so pretty like this, hm?” Jisoo pressed praise against Jeonghan’s lips, “So gorgeous, so perfect, hm? I love your outfit, it’s so amazing, couldn’t stop thinking about kissing you,” his hands were wandering, landing on Jeonghan’s hips and starting to un-tuck his shirt, “About touching you, so lovely-”

Jeonghan was basking. He’d dressed especially, known that the colours brought out his eyes, known that Jisoo would be enraptured.

Jisoo slid his palms down the back of Jeonghan’s trousers, cupping his bum and pulling him closer. Jeonghan whimpered into the kiss, trying to bite it back. Jisoo broke the kiss.

“Jeonghannie?”

“Stop.” The word was barely audible, but Jisoo immediately moved his hands to Jeonghan’s hips.

“What is it?” The question was gentle, Jisoo ducking to meet Jeonghan’s eyes. “Tell me please?”

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan was irritated. He wanted Jisoo to touch him, he wanted him to keep doing what they were doing, he wanted to touch Jisoo, but when he put his hands- Jeonghan teared up. Why was this okay with Jun and Seokmin but not with Jisoo and Seungcheol? He knew it wasn’t the same, comfort wasn’t the same as romance but it still stung. “I want you to touch me, I do, I promise I do. But when you do, I just want to cry-” And then he did cry, tears rolling silently down his face.

Jisoo just pressed a kiss to his ear and wrapped him in a tight hug. “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.”

Jeonghan tried to apologise, later squished on top of Jisoo on the couch watching TV, tried to apologise for not being ready, for not being able to separate his past from his present, but Jisoo just kissed his shoulder and asked him why he should be sorry for something he had no control over.

“When I was in first year of college, this girl asked me out and I liked her, we got on, so I said yes. We dated for a while, held hands, kissed, went on cute couple dates and I felt nothing for her, just friendship feelings. She was so mad, screamed on and on about how I was messing with her head, but I just thought that’s what you did. Dated someone whose company you enjoyed and eventually you’d be madly in love. But after a while I discovered that most people see someone and want to date them. I’ve never been like that and I thought there was something wrong. But there’s not. I’m just demi-romantic.”

Jeonghan didn’t see where this was going. “Thank you for telling me but I’m lost.”

Jisoo huffed and kissed his shoulder, “Sorry, I just meant that well, I don’t mean to label you or anything but you hardly ever initiate kisses with us unless you’re just pleased or overwhelmed or something-”

“I kiss you all the time!”

“Yeah, to thank us or cause you love us or the kids did something and you’re joyous, as affection-”

“But kissing is affection!” Jeonghan twisted to look at Jisoo and Jisoo looked sheepish. “What are you trying to say?”

“Maybe you’re on the ace spectrum?”

Jeonghan stared at him, his initial reaction was no way, I love sex. But his second reaction was yeah sure sex is fun but hand me a child, a mug of hot something and a hug and I’m just as happy. “But I like sex? It’s fun and sure I’m not as driven by it but it's grounding and reassuring and contact and pressure. There’s nothing wrong with that?”

“No, nothing wrong with that, promise,” Jisoo hugged him tighter, “Different people perceive touch differently.”

“Well I mightn’t be driven by sex or sexual attraction but I like it and I want to have it with both of you.” Jeonghan said decisively before turning back around and snuggling tight against Jisoo.

“Okay. Okay,” he kissed his shoulder again, “Well in that case don’t rush it okay? Maybe we just need to talk more.”

  
  
  


~ _m_ _ ay~ _

  
  
  


They went to Isidore’s office. Isidore had kindly offered the use of their space to have the conversation, Jeonghan hadn’t wanted to taint their home or relive anything in his own, and Isidore was just downstairs in the café if they were needed.

They all had tea and Jisoo looked like he wanted to wrap Jeonghan in bubble wrap and he hadn’t even opened his mouth.

“I don’t know where to start,” Jeonghan bounced his knee, he’d gone through this with Isidore, but all their plans had flown out of his mind. Oh yeah. “When we adopted Seungkwan we were the only gay couple in the area, certainly the only gay couple with kids. And the mother and baby groups only allowed Mothers and babies. I took a few months off, Hyunil earned more so we could afford it, and I was just so tired. All the time. We were supposed to adopt together and parent together but he was full time and he worked late, ER you know, the hours are weird, so it was pretty much just me and I just I honestly don’t know how I survived. I was a zombie. But I suppose parents have some sort of power bank or something. But I burnt dinner, broke mugs, put on mismatching socks and shoes, forgot to buy things, put a red sock in the white wash. Made lots of messes. I was exhausted. Pretty sure I was micro napping between feeds. It was inevitable that it would end up being,” Jeonghan looked out the window and blinked rapidly. Shit he wasn’t halfway through. “Something important that I ruined. And then it was.”

Jeonghan closed his eyes tightly for a second, the scene speeding past on the inside of his eyelids. He’d burnt dinner for the third time in a row, ended up screaming at Hyunil about if he wanted a decent dinner then why the fuck didn’t he cook it himself, and then he’d managed to drop several of their wedding plates, screaming in shock when one had cut his foot and then the house had fallen silent.

“He bent me over his lap and smacked me until I couldn’t see straight. And I cried my eyes out and he settled me on the couch, told me he loved me and picked up the crockery, ordered dinner and we never spoke about it. I think I lasted a month without ruining something else.” Jeonghan took a fortifying gulp of tea and blinked. He could do this.

“And then when Seungkwan started to talk, I’d gone back part time at that stage, he learnt Mama and Dada in creche, and Hyunil said that it wasn’t any harm and we didn’t want him to be singled out and made fun of, so I didn’t, we didn’t correct him. And then he slept better and I stopped messing up and Hyunil stopped slapping me and everything was fine. When Seungkwan learnt about Korean rules, just before we adopted Minghao, he wondered why I called Hyunil  _ hyung  _ if I was his Mommy, shouldn’t I call him  _ oppa,  _ and Hyunil thought that was great. He’d been trying to get me to use it in the bedroom for years and I was like not a chance we’re not doing gender play, you buffoon, and then I sort of had to. And so I did, but tried to avoid it with pet names as much as possible. And then we adopted Minghao and I started making messes again and he started hitting me again and then it got worse and worse,” Jeonghan swiped at tears, “It got sexual. Really sexual. He’d spank me with a wooden spoon in the kitchen if I ruined dinner, or naked in the bedroom if I messed up laundry. And sometimes he’d just push in dry afterwards and,” Jeonghan started to sob and put his hand in front of his face, “Give me a second.”

Seungcheol knelt in front of him and handed him a tissue, “Take your time.”

Jeonghan blew his nose and drank some more tea and took Seungcheol’s hand, gripping it tightly and closing his eyes. “Sometimes I’d wake up in different clothes, or with something in me,” he shivered, “or dirty. Sometimes he didn’t care to hide it. Sometimes he’d wake me up. Sometimes he’d throw me onto my knees in the living room and leave the curtains open. I forgot to ask for permission to have Jisoo and Hansol over, or to go over, I can’t remember, but he whipped me and there was ginger, it was so unbelievably painful. And the next day he forced me to take an enema and I don’t remember any of the weekend until I was in work, and I was crying and my head was like soup or ice or something. And he put me in a dress and did it all over a few weeks later and then we went dancing,” Jeonghan’s voice had gone flat, “I felt sick, scared, terrified I didn’t know where I was or why and he wouldn’t let us leave until I had a panic attack and then the next day I still don’t know what he did. There was a whip, and we were in the bathroom, I don’t know where he got the ropes or what he did to my feet, but then I was in hospital and you know the rest. There were other things. Like how I had no friends and wasn’t allowed to have people over, and how my mother hated me but he insisted we had her over every Sunday, but it was mainly, or at least, the only things you don’t really know-” he cut himself off, collapsing into his knees and shaking with tears.

Jisoo squished onto the couch beside him and Jeonghan twisted so he was in his lap, crying into his shoulder and Jisoo just held him. Seungcheol sat beside them and rubbed Jeonghan’s back in careful circles. Just letting him cry, letting him fall apart.

And then, when Jeonghan had drawn enough strength to sit up and look at them he saw the tear tracks on their faces and nearly started crying all over again.

“I don’t think words can express how much I-”

“Would dearly love to punch him in the face and chop off his dick?” Jisoo interrupted Seungcheol with a face that could topple kingdoms.

“Yeah. I love you irrespective of your evil ex, and I’m gonna need you to be doubly vocal about what upsets you okay?” Seungcheol said, voice tense and Jeonghan couldn’t help his shiver. “No, I’m, Jesus, no I’m not mad at you-” he pulled away and stood up, leaving Jeonghan in the circle of Jisoo’s arms. 

Jisoo just pulled Jeonghan closer and hooked his chin over his shoulder. Jeonghan tangled their hands together on his stomach, holding tightly, so tightly that Jisoo was probably losing circulation. He didn’t say anything though, just held him.

Seungcheol sat back down in the other arm chair and dropped his head into his hands.

Jeonghan didn’t know what to do, he gripped onto Jisoo’s hands tighter until Jisoo pressed the lightest of kisses to his shoulder and pressed his nose against his neck. 

“Han-ah, you’re okay. Promise. I’m not going to lie, I really want to just erase it from your mind but I’m not a witch,” Jeonghan smiled at that, “And I can’t. But I’m really proud of you for being able to tell us and for getting through it and surviving. I knew you were strong, but you’re,” he squeezed Jeonghan tightly, “The strongest person I know.”

“You’re not gonna ask why I didn’t just leave?” Jeonghan’s voice pitched high and he closed his eyes tightly.

“No. We’re well aware that these things are hard. And you were doing everything you could, hm? You made sure the kids were safe, and tried to make sure they were happy, yeah?”

Jeonghan nodded.

“And he made it so you didn’t have anybody. And with society as it is, there aren’t ads about male domestic abuse like there are for women, you had nowhere to go, you just did your best. That’s all anyone can ever ask for.”

“Thank you, I love you.” Jeonghan’s eyes brimmed with tears again and he turned, pressing his face back against Jisoo’s shoulder, thankful he had such a comfortable boyfriend. 

“I love you too.”

Seungcheol came back over after a few minutes, perching on the arm of the couch beside them and carefully stroking Jeonghan’s hair. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”

Jeonghan peered at him, “You didn’t-” Seungcheol raised his eyebrows, “-not really.”

“Yeah, that. Can you please stop doing that? Don’t try to say what we want to hear, I promise we don’t mind whatever you say even if we disagree with it.”

“I’m trying! It’s really hard Cheol-ah, I’ve been working on it, Isidore sets me disagreement goals each week. And Soo-ya doesn’t ever let anyone apologise without a reason,” Jisoo pressed a kiss to his neck, “so I’m not allowed to apologise for the fact that my first instinct is to apologise. You scared me a little bit.”

“Are you still scared?”

Jeonghan shook his head, “No. No, cause you stepped away and Jisoo wasn’t worried, and you’re not going to hurt me.”

Seungcheol pressed a lingering kiss to his brow, Jeonghan felt tears in his hair.

“Cheol-ah!” his hands flew up to hold onto him, “Don’t cry-”

“How could he? How, how dare he?”

Jeonghan understood. He had worked through the anger that had eventually arose, and gotten rid of it, there was no point. He was in jail and he couldn’t do anything else to him. Isidore had said that they would probably be mad and upset and want to hide him from the world for a while. And from the way Jisoo’s grip hadn’t loosened up on his waist, he guessed that was what he wanted to do. Isidore had also said that they might feel like punching Hyunil. And that looked like what Seungcheol wanted to do and he’d be lying if he said that didn’t scare him a little.

“Cheol-ah-” Jeonghan drew back a tiny bit, hands still on Seungcheol’s arms. He trusted him, he trusted them both, but-

“Right, I’m sorry. For scaring you, again. But also for having to go through all that. I second what Soo said alright? I’m so proud of you for being able to tell us everything and for being able to take care of yourself and the boys throughout all of that and ever since. It can’t have been easy and I know you have people now, but still. It takes a village. And I don’t blame you or think less of you for not leaving the first time he raised a hand to you, okay? He’s a piece of crap and you didn’t deserve any of that. I can’t promise I won’t be mad about it but I will promise never to ever raise a hand against you or the boys. Ever. Either of you. Ever,” He kissed Jeonghan’s hands and then raked his hand through his hair, “Lets get cake and go home and cuddle.”

“Here here.”

“Before we go,” Jeonghan took another deep breath, “I want to get my hair cut, will you come with me please?”

Jisoo tugged gently on his braid, “How much are you getting off it?”

“I want like an A-line bob?” 

“That’s going to be so pretty! Ah it’ll highlight your cheekbones so well!”

  
  


They found a nice, well recommended hair salon in Temple Bar that took one look at the three of them and ushered Jeonghan into a seat, pressing a steaming mug of tea into his hand within several seconds and directing his partners to the couches by the windows.

The hairdresser dragged a chair over and sat in front of Jeonghan, pulling a pencil out from behind her ear and licking the end, “Right. Tell me.”

“I haven’t cut my hair in two years and I’ve never had it shorter than my chin. I want an A-line bob.”

“And those two?” she jerked her head over at the seats, sending all 14 of her earrings jangling.

“My partners.”

“So cool. Okay,” she sketched something on her pad and flipped it over, “This?”

Oh that looked, “Yes. Definitely. That looks amazing!” 

“I do try. Okay, let’s do a wash, cut and blow-dry. I’m sensing an emotional trauma haircut?”

“Yeah, my ex is in jail.” Jeonghan quipped, surprised to find the words happily tumbling out of his lips.

“Oh a big emotional trauma haircut!” she untwisted his braid and carded her hands through it. “I am honoured to do the chopping. We’re going to take care of you alright? Mairéad is going to wash your hair, so if you just follow her, I’ll furnish your partners with our finest magazines, and the wifi code.”

Jeonghan smiled, bemused, and followed Mairéad into the back, sitting down in the chair and tipping his head back. She had great hands, and great chit-chat, and by the time she had his hair bundled up in a towel and a big hair cape wrapped around him, Jeonghan was ready to nap.

His hairdresser, Victoria, turned him to face the mirror and said, “Ready?”

“So ready.”

“Right I’m going to do a before and after pic, because that’s what we do here at Hair Storia, and then we’re saying so long, fare thee well, to that hair. Alright?”

“Yes,” Jeonghan giggled, “I’m ready, let’s do it.”

Mairéad came over with more tea and a small plate of chocolates, “Compliments of your pretty partners.”

Jeonghan beamed, thanked her and popped one into his mouth, sinking into the chair and closing his eyes as Victoria wielded her scissors and bopped her colourfully spiked head along to the music. 

“I love your hair,” Jeonghan murmured as she spun him around to cut the front, “It’s pretty.”

“Thanks, Mairéad did it for pride. Early we know, but you know, every day is pride when you’re gay.”

“As long as it’s still rainbow bright then-”

“Woe is the idea. Of course. Have you ever dyed your hair?”

“Purple once, but it came out lavender, and blond.”

“Ages ago, right? Your hair is so soft.”

“Yeah, uni. Like 11 years ago?”

Victoria picked up the hairdryer, “I’m going to dry and then fine tune. Alright?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

When his hair was mostly dry, Victoria turned him away from the mirror and went around it carefully, before tucking her scissors into her belt, blasting his hair one final time with the hairdryer and running some serum through it and handing him a mirror.

“Tah-dah!”

Jeonghan stared and gently touched his hair, oh it was weird that it stopped there, but it was exactly what he had wanted. Short at the back, long at the front, falling so perfectly. “I love it. You did an amazing job.”

“Thank you! You have beautiful hair. When you’re ready, come up to the till and we’ll fix up. In the meanwhile,” she jerked her head over to the windows, “they’ve been patient.”

“What’s your shop policy on kissing?” Jeonghan asked quietly as she took off the cape and brushed him down.

“By all means. Don’t go wild-”

“No, no. We’ve had an emotional day.”

“Yeah go for it. It's just us here anyway.” Victoria smirked and folded the cape, giving him a cat got the cream look before disappearing into the back

Jeonghan smirked, he’d been standing waiting for a compliment for at least 50 seconds and Jisoo and Seungcheol were just staring like fish. “Do you like it?”

“Like it? It’s unreal oh my God, can I,” Jisoo reached and just tugged Jeonghan down into his lap when he nodded, feathering a hand through his hand, heedless to what anyone might think. “This is beautiful.”

Seungcheol swallowed, “You look-”

Jeonghan waited.

Jisoo snickered.

“Like what?” Jeonghan raised an eyebrow.

Seungcheol swallowed, “Can I kiss you?”

Jeonghan flicked his eyes back to the rest of the salon, conspicuously empty, “Yeah.”

Seungcheol leaned in, cupped Jeonghan’s face in his hands and kissed him, gently at first but then slightly frantic. Jeonghan put his hand on his cheek, wobbling until Jisoo steadied him, and pulled back slowly.

“You like it then?”

“Yeah, it really suits you.”

Jeonghan grinned, “Thank you. I’m gonna pay and then we can get cake?”

Rumbles of hunger accompanied their agreement and Jisoo kissed his neck and pushed him up, “Get a card will you? She seemed really nice.”

Jeonghan left a tip and took a card, and made an appointment for a trim in several weeks. He fluttered his hands through his hair and beamed, uncontrollably, he felt light, lighter than he’d felt in weeks, months, and he felt good. Really good. Confident and powerful and hungry.

Really hungry.

  
  
  


Seungkwan couldn’t stop touching his father’s hair, pouting a little when he figured out that he couldn’t plait it, but then just carding his hands through it with a mesmerised expression. “Appas so pretty.”

Jeonghan caught him by the waist and spun him around, ignoring his high pitched ‘Appa put me down!’ in favour of his musical giggles. “Thank you, sweetheart.”

Jeonghan got out the big photo album that evening and pointed out his different haircuts to Seungkwan. Seungkwan’s disbelief prompted Jeonghan to video call Jeonghee.

“ _ Hi- oh my god your hair, turn around let me oh my God it’s amazing, who did it, send me their card, that’s so pretty, wow, gorgeous, I love it, So handsome Oppa, so so good!!”  _ She squealed across the phone, hands pressed to her cheeks.

“Auntie! Appa says he had purple hair!”

Jeonghee looked away from Jeonghan’s hair and smiled at Seungkwan, “ _ Hi Seungkwan-ah. He did! Do you want me to tell you a story?” _

“Yes please!”

“Be nice, Jeonghee-ya!” Jeonghan pouted and she laughed.

“ _ Okay, okay! Seungkwan-ah, when your Appa was 19, he bought a box of hair dye-”  _ Jeonghan groaned, not this story, “ _ Shush, Oppa. He was convinced that since a girl in his year called Joy had done her hair herself, so could he. Your Appa had, what was it, waist length then?” _

“A little shorter I think,” Jeonghan flicked through the photo album, “Here Seungkwannie. Yeah it was chest length pretty much.”

“ _ Right. And he locked himself in the bathroom for four whole hours, Seungkwan-ah, four hours. We only had one bathroom. I was so mad, I really needed to go, and your Appa was just standing there, crying when he finally opened the door. He’d made such a mess that the hairdresser had to cut it all the way up to his shoulders to redye it. It was, I couldn’t stop laughing. And then he got it dyed lavender. It was gorgeous. Just like this haircut. Oppa always looks so pretty!” _

Jeonghan smiled wide. “My little sister is always so complimentary.”

Jeonghee managed to get two more mildly embarrassing stories in before Jeonghan dragged one up from the recesses of his mind, all of them sending Seungkwan into fits of giggles and a little ‘o’ face of disbelief. When Jeonghee eventually hung up, Seungkwan was yawning and leaning against Jeonghan’s chest. 

“Appa? Bedtime now.”

“Okay baby. Just a second and I’ll get your water. Do you want to go up and get ready?”

Seungkwan wrapped his arms around Jeonghan’s neck, “No, stay with Appa.”

Jeonghan stood carefully, arm under his bum, “Hold on tightly, okay? Appa doesn’t want you to fall.” Seungkwan clung and Jeonghan filled his water bottle quickly, heading upstairs and checking in on Minghao, who had gone down nearly two hours earlier, before getting Seungkwan washed and into pyjamas.

“Appa, will you sing for me?”

“Of course. What would you like?”

Seungkwan shrugged so Jeonghan went for a new release off the radio, a cute kpop ballad duet, ‘Falling For U’. Seungkwan fell asleep quickly, and Jeonghan just finished the song, tucking him in and turning on the nightlight, closing the door gently behind him. It had been an emotional day, but a good one. A perfect ending. 

He checked his phone as he got into bed, a cute selfie from Jisoo of him and Seungcheol in bed, hair every which way. “ _ Missing you xx.”  _ He texted back a stream of hearts and eventually, once he was about to drift off, a selfie of him yawning. ‘Missing yous too x.’

  
  
  


A few weeks later, Jeonghan was standing in front of his wardrobe terrified about making a bad impression. He was going to some sort of family do, a few of Seungcheol’s relatives had anniversaries or something around the same time, so they were throwing a big bash and inviting everyone. Jeonghan didn’t want to mess this up.

He rang Jisoo. “Soo-ya, run me through the dress code again?”

_ “You’re going to be fine, don’t worry so much! What about that suit you wore dancing in January? That’ll be gorgeous.” _

Wouldn’t that be too formal? “But, isn’t that too formal? What are you two wearing?”

_ “We’re both wearing suits. It won’t be. I promise. You’re going to look great. Wear what makes you comfortable, nobody’s going to mind if you have makeup on if you’re worrying about that. Just wear something comfortable. But my money is on the suit from the dance in January." _

"Right. Thanks. But like, if I'm overdressed I'm sending all and any blame to you." Jeonghan stuck the phone under his ear and rifled through the closet. Where was the suit? Jisoo chuckled over the line.

" _ I welcome it. See you in an hour?" _

"Yeah, Okay, talk soon!" He hung up. Right. It sort of needed an iron but sure look, he had the time. Iron the suit, find a shirt, shower, hair, makeup and then he'd be good to go. Great. He could do this.

The iron burnt the backside of the fabric and Jeonghan nearly screamed. Christ. What the hell?! He’d had it on a low setting? What? Damn it. He put the iron in its stand and threw the suit onto the bed. He couldn’t wear that. Did he have anything else suitable? 

There was a similar suit, a light grey with a faint pinstripe, but with the jacket cut much more feminine than the other one, cut for hips really. It had a fancy button in the centre, and it just looked pretty. He ironed it.

He'd chosen a gorgeous light purple blouse and ironed it carefully, it was- He hadn't had an opportunity to wear a blouse recently, and under the jacket it looked like a shirt. Unless he took it off of course. But if Jisoo was right and nobody would care whether he wore make-up or not, then nobody would care whether he had a blouse or a shirt on.

He hung everything up, stuck his head out the door to see if Mingyu needed him. He didn't, he could hear the two kids giggling. Right, time for a shower.

If Jeonghan spent more than the ten minutes that he'd allotted himself to exfoliate and moisturise, then it was only because he was nervous and stressed and a little bit of pampering was good for more than the soul.

He got dressed carefully, spinning around in a circle on the tips of his toes and letting the blouse settle before tucking it carefully into his trousers and doing up the button. He looked over his shoulder into the mirror. God he looked good. That haircut had been an excellent decision!

And yes, Jeonghan spent approximately three minutes smiling at himself in the mirror and another two taking full length photos to send to Jun, but then he styled his hair properly, finished his makeup with a slick of lipstick, popped on his shoes, lamenting the fact that he didn't have anything heeled that wasn't a dance shoe, and grabbed his clutch.

Time to go.

Kids kissed, Seungkwan had pleaded with him to sing him a song before he left, and Jeonghan had been halfway through a rendition of ‘Shallow’ with Mingyu before the doorbell rang. Jeonghan went to get it, still singing, and opened the door to a very amused Jisoo with Hansol in his arms. Jeonghan kissed them both while Mingyu sung his part and ushered them in, peering out the door to see Seungcheol leaning against the car checking his phone. 

"All set?"

"Yes! Actually, Jeonghan-ah, can I use your loo?" Jisoo looked sheepish but Jeonghan just waved him off.

"Of course, you know where it is. I'll go out to the car?"

"Yeah, go ahead. I'll only be a second, promise!" Jisoo called as he climbed the stairs two at a time.

Jeonghan said his goodbyes again, kissing a grabby but sleepy Hansol several times on his way out, that baby loved him. He crossed the road and greeted Seungcheol with a kiss. Seungcheol settling his hands on his hips.

"Soo said you were worried. Don't be worried. You've met my Dad and my brother, you'll be fine. Sit in the front, it's about time Jisoo had someone boot him into the back." Seungcheol grinned and Jeonghan laughed.

"I don't think that's quite what he had in mind when he said to go out to the car!"

"Yeah, where is he?"

"The loo. Why aren't we bringing the babies again?"

"We always bring the kids to these things, I think everyone collectively decided they wanted to be able to get drunk and not worry. Are you sure Mingyus okay with minding Hansol too?" Seungcheol asked as they sat into the car. He turned on the ignition, the heating coming on at full force.

"Yeah, he's fine. I think Chan-ah is going to drop over at some stage, they'll be fine."

Jisoo came hurrying across the street, bag in hand, "Sorry, sorry, sorry!" He slid into the back seat and strapped himself in, "I see you took my seat!"

"First come, first served!"

Seungcheol flicked his eyes up to the mirror, "Ready?"

Seungcheol parked the car in the hotel's underground car park and Jeonghan reminded himself again that he'd already met his mother, albeit as their neighbour, and she’d liked him. This was going to be okay.

They got out of the car, Jeonghan fidgeting with his coat and Jisoo smiling at him, waiting to hook their arms together. "Stop worrying."

"That's easy for you to say!"

"We weren't always married, I had to meet his family too!"

Jeonghan grumbled and laced their arms together tightly, following Seungcheol into the elevator. They went up in silence.

When they stepped out onto the second floor, and followed the signs for the function room, Jeonghan was surprised to see three or four couples in ballroom costumes. And nobody that he recognised.

"Babe?"

Seungcheol turned back to him and grinned, "So we've been really shitty boyfriends and there's no get together-"

"Yah!" Jeonghan whacked his arm and Seungcheol winced.

"I deserved that."

Jisoo snickered, and Jeonghan turned to him with a pout, "How could you, do you know how stressed out I've been about this?!"

"Sorry sweetheart, we wanted to surprise you!"

"I've been so stressed, oh my God." Jeonghan turned into Jisoo and let himself press his face against his shoulder. Jisoo moved them out of the way and Seungcheol rubbed his back.

"I'm sorry, it was my idea to surprise you, there's a few surprises really. But they're all nice. Promise."

Jeonghan nodded, gripping both of their hands and pulling back, "Okay. I'm good, just overwhelmed a little. What's really going on?"

They both grinned and Jeonghan relaxed a little further. "It's a tango night!"

"We thought you'd really enjoy it and we may have been getting lessons, maybe-"

Jeonghan barely stopped himself from screaming, reminding himself that he was an adult and that they were in public and that literally nobody would thank him for that, but he did bounce a little on the spot and then throw himself at them to hold on tightly and press kisses against their cheeks.

"I, words, I don't have words," he looked between them both. They both knew how much he loved dancing, how much he missed having monthly and sometimes fortnightly dance sessions. Even if he didn't miss his husband any more, not really, he missed that. He'd only been able to get to three of the Saturday night dance groups, it was hard to get a babysitter on top of all the times he needed one and he didn't want to put anyone out, least of all his boyfriends. He knew they'd be more than happy, but he didn't want to disrupt the kids' bedtimes that much or have them stay over or something. It would just be messy and he didn't want messy. "But I don't have dance shoes? Do you?"

Jisoo took a bag off his shoulder, "I came prepared."

"You didn't need to use the loo at all did you! You sly little-"

Jisoo kissed his cheek, "Be nice!"

"Perfect boyfriend, love of my life, I couldn't ask for more," Jeonghan giggled, following them into the ballroom, for it was a ballroom, happily. The floors were laminate and already full of couples. Women in long dresses, men in thin suits, a mixed set. More gay couples than he expected to see in a non queer specific tango event. But his boyfriends had picked it, and they were a triad. They would have been careful.

Seungcheol broke away to get them drinks, and Jisoo handed Jeonghan his shoe bag. He found a chair and sat to change them, lacing the dancing shoes up carefully and watching the floor. "How long have you been taking lessons?"

Jisoo took a while to answer and Jeonghan popped his other shoes into the bag and sat up straight, "Soo-ya?”

"Maybe since January."

Jeonghan raised an eyebrow and bumped his shoulder, "You're smitten aren't you."

"You're very easy to be smitten by. Just, argh, Jeonghan-ah you're the full package and truly, I do adore you." Jisoo was so earnest that Jeonghan had to kiss him, pressing love against his lips and leaning his head on his shoulder.

"I'm so happy. You make me so happy. I can't believe you learnt to dance, my favourite thing on earth second only to my children, and you learnt to dance-" Jeonghan was hesitant to say they learnt to dance for him, but-

"For you," Seungcheol held out two glasses, "We learnt to dance for you. ‘Cause you're so confident, powerful, sexy, attractive when you dance and because it makes you so happy. Everyone should have things that make them happy in their life. Things that aren't everyday."

Jeonghan took a sip of his wine and beamed up at him, he loved them both so much it was unbelievable.

They stood and found a spot nearer to the dance floor, a nice high table that they claimed and set bags and coats down on. 

When the next set started and Jisoo took his hand to lead him onto the dance floor, Jeonghan was a little apprehensive. What if- He’d love them even if they were crap, who was he kidding?

Jisoo ran his thumb over Jeonghan’s spine, pressing a kiss to the side of his head as they stepped closer. Jeonghan wrapped his arm across his shoulders with a smile, tilting his head to peck Jisoo quickly. 

“Confident?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, I trust you.”

The music started and Jisoo counted them in, drawing a circle on the floor with his foot before they both stepped to the side and swirled around the floor in a lyrical flurry of footwork and concentration and the occasional kiss when they were stopped in dance traffic.

Every so often they’d have to step apart and come back together when they got too tangled up and after three such pauses, Jeonghan changed hold, and tugged Jisoo close, “Did you learn follow too?”

Jisoo bit his tongue in concentration the exact same way Seungkwan did and leaned his head against Jeonghan’s, following the steps with a hum.

Jeonghan stepped over his feet and back and forth until Jisoo was laughing, “It’s like we’re playing footsie.” 

“You know I love you right?”

“I love you too.”

Jeonghan pressed a kiss to his cheek and ducked under his arm, walking around him in a quick set of ochos, before Jisoo reeled him back in, walking them through a set of back ochos and into a nice turn, managing to time it, either on purpose or by accident, so that they came out of it, just in front of Seungcheol when the music stopped.

“Hi!”

“Hi Cheol-ah, ready?” Jeonghan held his hand out and Seungcheol took it, standing up slowly and following Jeonghan to a clearer bit of dance floor.

“A little nervous, I hope it's not a hard song.”

Jeonghan wrapped his arms around his shoulders, drew him into a tight hug and kissed the shell of his ear. “You’re going to be fine.” He slipped back into a nice and loose tango hold, holding Seungcheol’s hand and brushing his thumb over the back of it.

Seungcheol took in a big breath and let it out slowly. “Let’s do this.”

And they did.. The music was a nice and lilting Spanish guitar piece that Jeonghan had never heard but that Seungcheol nodded along to like he’d learnt steps for it. Maybe he had. He led Jeonghan around the dance floor in a confident series of promenades and ochos and a few kicky turns. He gathered him close, both arms behind his back and asked if he could do a lift. Jeonghan beamed, pressed a kiss to his nose and then Seungcheol lifted him up so just the tips of his shoes touched the floor, spinning him around once, twice, three times and then setting him down into a series of tight swirly turns.

The rest of the night was one of the best in Jeonghan’s memory. Neither of his partners were fantastic dancers, but he didn’t care. They’d learnt for him, they were doing really well, and they were all having fun. They had several glasses of wine each, plenty of peanuts and a platter of chicken and chips, and by the time they were gently asked to start leaving, it was one am and Jeonghan and Jisoo were practically glued together at the hips.

Seungcheol called a taxi, and the three of them tried not to draw the driver’s looks to the back seat, trying to bite back giggles and hums and high pitched laughter.

They practically fell through the front door, Seungcheol nibbling on Jeonghan’s ear playfully, pushing him up against the wall in a mimicry of the last time they’d gone tangoing. Jeonghan’s eyes slipped half shut and he looked up at Seungcheol from under his lashes, suddenly shy.

Seungcheol brushed their noses together and pressed his lips to Jeonghan’s, gentle and sure. “Why don’t you touch us?” he asked, pulling back and petting his hands down Jeonghan’s obliques, resting them on his hips. “Why don’t we go up to the bedroom, no expectations, just some mapping? And you can touch us, just explore. We won’t touch you under your clothes if you don’t want us to, and not at all if you don’t want that. Do you want to try?”

Jeonghan flicked his eyes right, Jisoo had a jug of water and three glasses on a tray, leaning against the stairs. He smiled.

“There’s nothing wrong okay? If you want to stop we’ll stop, we’re not going to think differently of you.”

Jeonghan nodded, “Let’s try. But, if I, I’m sorry, this makes me feel awful why can’t we just have sex, we all want to, just,” he closed his eyes, suddenly very aware of how close Seungcheol was. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Jisoo said sharply, “Don’t. You had a hell of a time with your last partner. And if it turns out that you never want to have sex again, that’s not why we’re dating you Jeonghannie. We’re dating you for you.”

Seungcheol nodded, “Yeah, we are, alright? And look, it’s not like it’s even been that long right? Don’t push yourself.”

He’d promised them he wouldn’t. He’d promised Isidore he wouldn’t. He’d promised his friends that he wouldn’t. But he wanted to. Maybe ‘exploring’ like Seungcheol suggested would be okay? “Let’s try.”

*They went up to the bedroom, Seungcheol pulling his shirt off the second they stepped through the door, and flopping on the bed. Jisoo put the tray down with a grin. 

Jeonghan took a breath and then kneeled onto the bed, throwing a leg over Seungcheol’s waist and sitting. He sat in their laps all the time, why would this be different? Seungcheol gasped and took his hand, thumb running over the tips of his nails. Jisoo settled beside Seungcheol’s head, tangling his fingers in his hair.

Biting his lip, and feeling foolish, Jeonghan bent over to kiss Seungcheol again. Gently. “Hi.” And then trailing the pads of his fingers across Seungcheol’s collar bone, following his fingers with his mouth.

Seungcheol didn’t expect that.

Jeonghan pulled back, looked up only to get a nod and a smile from two sets of hooded eyes in response. He blushed and trailed fingers down Seungcheol’s torso, biting his lip quietly at the sheer bulk of him. God Jun would tease. Even straddling him was a stretch, thighs spread wide. He blushed deeper. Jisoo laughed lightly.

“What are you thinking about, Han?” 

“God, you’re hot.”

Seungcheol blushed and laughed, “Thank you.”

God, Jeonghan had to kiss him, capturing his laughter with his lips, and pressing dozens of little kisses to his lips. Then he went back to exploring. Kissing down to Seungcheol’s pecs and then petting the trail down his stomach and his sides, stopping when Seungcheol started to giggle. “Sorry, sorry!”

“It’s fine,” he squirmed, “just ticklish. How are you feeling?”

“Happy, horny, comfortable.”

Jisoo leant down and pressed fingers under Jeonghan’s chin, tugging him into a kiss, fond. “I’m glad.”

“Wanna do Soo now?”

They swapped places, Jeonghan biting back a moan as he sat back down, this time on Jisoo. He leaned down to kiss him, “How are you both-” kiss “-so-” kiss “-big?” Seungcheol and Jisoo broke into surprised laughter.

“Jealous?”

“God, no. Very very happy.”

More laughter. Jeonghan petted fingers over Jisoo’s heated skin, just touching, just exploring, nothing more, even though his hands hovered over nipples for a few seconds, contemplating pinching them, but he disregarded it and petted across the muscly plane of his stomach instead.

They were both hard. Jeonghan was trying not to press down against Jisoo, or to moan, but it was becoming very difficult. He slipped off to one side, hiding his head in Jisoo’s shoulder and reaching for Seungcheol’s hand, taking a few breaths. He wasn’t jittery, not like he had been before, a lot calmer. Safer. More comfortable. But it was probably best not to push it.

Jisoo just cooed, Seungcheol stroking a thumb over Jeonghan’s wrist soothingly.

“What do you want, love?”

Jeonghan took a second to think. He wanted their hands on him. He wanted kisses. He wanted them on top of him over him all around him, but he didn’t think he was able for that. “Touch me too?”

“Like what you did?”

“Can I stay sitting up?”

“Of course,” Jisoo sat up and Seungcheol shuffled around to Jeonghan’s other side, hooking his chin over Jeonghan’s shoulder. “Top on or off?”

Jeonghan reached up to unbutton it, Seungcheol started kissing his neck. Jisoo was looking at him with heavy eyes and Jeonghan leaned his head to one side to give Seungcheol better access, wriggling to slip the shirt off his arms and toss it away. Jisoo kissed him. Once, twice, thrice, and then put his hands on his waist. Skin on skin. Present.

“Tell me if you’re uncomfortable, alright? Seungcheol will maul your neck if you let him, by the way-”

“Cheol-ah!”

Seungcheol huffed and switched to Jeonghan’s other shoulder, kissing down his neck and across his shoulder.

Jisoo kissed Jeonghan again and petted his sides gently, Jeonghan reached for him hands on his shoulders, humming against his lips. Seungcheol slid a hand around to Jeonghan’s tummy, leaving it there, probably to steady himself, fingertips kneading lightly. Jeonghan blushed. He wasn’t as well built or muscly as them, he wasn’t very sporty-

“You’re thinking too hard, what is it?”

“It’s silly.”

“No, s’not,” Seungcheol detached from his shoulder, “Tell us, promise we won’t laugh.”

“I’m soft, compared to you two, you’re all washboardy-” Seungcheol cut him off with a kiss.

“Stop that. You’re gorgeous. And this?” He pressed his fingers gently to Jeonghan’s tummy, “Lovely just like you, alright?”

“You’re perfect, Jeonghannie, just right, okay? And you’re healthy, so this is just your body. Nothing else.” Jisoo said firmly and then ducked to press a kiss to his stomach, and then a dozen more all the way up to his chest. 

Seungcheol captured Jeonghan’s mouth in a heated kiss that had Jeonghan panting and moaning, reaching with one hand to pry Jisoo off his skin. Jisoo just kissed his fingertips, waiting.

Jeonghan pulled Jisoo into an equally heated kiss, not quite knowing what he wanted but knowing that this was perfect. **

It hadn’t gone any further than that, just kisses and eventually pressing close and whispering stories into each other’s skin, promises, wishes, fears. Jeonghan fell asleep pressed between them and didn’t feel scared at all. Realised that he hadn’t in weeks. 

  
  
  


~ _j_ _ une~ _

  
  
  


"We both switch," Jisoo mentioned casually one several evenings later over drinks, "it tends to work out fine, I want to top when he wants to bottom and vice versa. But yeah, we both switch a lot."

"I don't," Jeonghan sipped his glass of wine and tried to not tangle his fingers together or look away. His therapist said eye contact was important. “Or at least I haven’t really in a while?”

"Oh?" Seungcheol this time, voice soft and curious. He leaned towards Jeonghan a little, eyes dark. 

"I don't like topping. I just, I prefer to bottom. Always have. Before my husband, people used to always expect me to top," he laughed, the sound pouring out of him like champagne bubbles, "I don't know why, I was tiny and had long hair and painted nails and cross-dressed all the time. I just never enjoyed it. I can, but I much prefer bottoming, being small and the focus or someone's attention, just-"

"So you're a really soft bottom?" Jisoo asked knowingly and Jeonghan squirmed, eyes falling to the stem of his wine glass as he flushed. He managed a tiny nod, and glanced up just in time to see Jisoo and Seungcheol exchange a warm, fond smile.

And then they didn't talk about it. It just played on Jeonghan's mind for the rest of the month, every time he had a spare moment or went to bed and curled into his duvet he imagined the phantom weight of arms around him. Or rolled onto his back and imagined hands pinning him down. Kisses, praise, pressure.

And then he was too busy to think about it.

So when their weekend away came rushing up and Jeonghan was trying to think of what to pack, he didn't even think about condoms or lube or anything like that. He was just trying to get enough clothes to last him the weekend. The kids had been- Well he hadn't done washing that week and he was one inch from bursting into tears.

He put his case in the boot of Seungcheol's car, kissed the kids, dropped a completely absent kiss to Mingyu's forehead, and to Chan's and then the kids again, before getting into the car, strapping in his seat belt and the second the car pulled out if the drive, dropping his head into his hands and bursting into tears.

Seungcheol and Jisoo jumped but Jeonghan just waved a hand, "Overtired and overwhelmed, just give me five minutes I need a cry."

Jisoo reached over the middle seat and patted Jeonghan's back, "Let it all out."

It had been a really busy week, Jeonghan was blessed with his boyfriends and support network. Uh he was leaving his kids for the weekend, when had he ever done that before and now he had three how was he going to do that-

"Mingyu is going to hate me."

"Missing them already?"

"I have three now?!"

"We all have three now sweetheart," Seungcheol flicked his eyes up into the mirror with a smile, "We'll distract you."

And distract they certainly did.

That evening after dinner, Jeonghan was already curling into Jisoo's side. The glass of wine he’d had allowed him to appreciate Jisoo's casual strength and muscle tone more than he normally would. So if he leaned a little more weight onto Jisoo than normal as they went up to their hotel room then it was just to see how much he could take, and the second they stepped into the bedroom, Jisoo twisted and lifted Jeonghan up onto his waist.

Jeonghan didn't even make noise, breath leaving his lungs in a massive whoosh, legs locking behind Jisoo's waist and arms wrapping around his shoulders.

"He was right," Jisoo laughed, "Seungcheol thought you might have a strength kink."

"I definitely have a strength kink." Jeonghan managed, pupils blown and practically panting.

Jisoo kissed him and walked them over to the bed, setting him down carefully onto the bed. Seungcheol came over from rifling through their suitcases and dropped a small bag and two printouts onto Jeonghan's chest.

"We're clean. We got tests done two weeks ago. In case you didn't want to use a condom."

Jeonghan blinked, reaching for Jisoo and Seungcheol's wrists and holding for a second. "Mine is in my case. The results came in yesterday morning. Clean. Have you ever threesomed before?"

"No, but you have and we've talked about it a lot, pretended a lot, imagined a lot. We're excited." Seungcheol threw off his shirt and kissed Jeonghan's jaw and Jisoo's.

Jeonghan closed his eyes, "Oh god."

"Have you thought about this?" Jisoo whispered.

"Yeah~" breathless, Jeonghan hadn’t-

"Tell us."

"Pressure mainly, pinning me down holding me tight-"

"Like this?" Jisoo straddled Jeonghan's waist and teased his forearms over his head, pushing them down into the mattress with what must be a fraction of his strength. Jeonghan exhaled.

He nodded, pupils blown.

"Can we not go vanilla, it's our first time-" Seungcheol whined and Jisoo kissed him before ducking down to Jeonghan.

"I promise we can have fun later, I can't wait to see how good you are for me." 

Jeonghan wiggled, he wasn't quite sure what he meant but he wanted skin on skin and contact and kisses.

And he got them. 

He got pressure, Jisoo’s hands holding him to the here and now, Seungcheol’s kisses on his shoulders, their weight on his, constant, reassuring, familiar. He got contact, neither of them let go of him fully for the entire weekend, always a casual arm over his shoulders, hand tightly held in his, or ankles locket together under the table, even in sleep. He got as many kisses as he had strands of hair, pressed to his lips or his cheeks or his eyelids or nose; to his hips and his stomach and his toes. Everywhere. If they’d been wearing lipstick he’d be completely painted red. 

And he found out what Jisoo meant, when Seungcheol had gone to see if he could find a nice restaurant for later and Jeonghan had found himself trapped under Jisoo’s weight, blinking up at him and wondering why he felt so spacey. He’d asked, surprised at his voice when it came out high and far away, and Jisoo had kissed his nose and said that he hadn’t thought he’d go under so quickly, but he was in some form of subspace. 

“I can bring you back up. Or I can try something and make you feel good?”

Jeonghan had flexed, arched a little bit and then sunk back into the mattress, Jisoo steady like a blanket on top of him. “I trust you.”

Jisoo had glowed, rained kisses down on Jeonghan’s face and spent the next, Jeonghan lost track of time, spent until Seungcheol came back in telling him how good he was and how perfect he was and how much they both loved him.

The feeling was vaguely familiar, he thought later when he was snuggled up against Seungcheol and drifting off to sleep, it felt a little like how he felt when Hyunil had put him in a dress. But better, because Jisoo hadn’t done anything he hadn’t liked, they hadn’t even had sex, he’d just laid on top of him and told him he was good.

It was an illuminating weekend. 

In sex ways, but also in family ways. Jisoo and Jeonghan would sit side by side every morning and ring the kids, thumbs stroking over each other’s hands as they cooed good mornings through the receiver. Seungcheol and Jeonghan would stand side by side on the balcony at night and sing gentle lullabies and whisper good nights and they’d inevitably get rung at least once before lunch with one of them wanting something.

And in just spending time together ways. Wandering the streets of the town they’d picked for their getaway, learning how Jisoo would always stop to look at jewellery or toys, how Seungcheol got grumpy when he was hungry but wouldn’t admit it. How both of them loved to take pictures of buildings, go into them if they could, stand and marvel at the height of a church or the upper windows on a grocers. They had their own looks and inside jokes, of course they did, they’d been married for 5 years, but they never failed to explain and then tell the story and include Jeonghan. He’d learn their ways and they’d make new jokes and looks and touches. They already had.

When they all repacked the car on Monday afternoon, bank holidays were unreal, it was with frowns and reluctance. Not because they didn’t want to see their kids, no, three days had nearly been too hard in that respect, but because they’d have to go back to sleeping separately and seeing each intermittently. 

Seeing the kids put most of that out of their minds when they arrived home though, the three of them running towards them, Hansol into Jeonghan’s arms, Seungkwan into Jisoo’s and Minghao into Seungcheol’s, none of them seeming to care which parent they got, just happy to have them back.

And if Jeonghan stayed in Seungcheol and Jisoo’s house for the rest of the week then it was only because all the kids things were there anyway.

  
  
  


~ _j_ _ uly~ _

  
  
  


Jeonghan made a cup of tea, he had the day off, he’d just needed a day to himself, so he’d taken a holiday day, dropped the kids to summer camp and gotten back into bed for three hours. He’d had a long bath and now he was sitting in the living room with a book and a fresh cup of tea. He had until 6 pm, and he was going to enjoy the peace and quiet. 

He loved his kids. But he needed a day.

He got through ten chapters of his book before there was a knock on the door. Jeonghan put the bookmark in his book, took a deep breath and opened it.

There was another reason why he’d taken today off.

“Jeonghannie, baby, I’ve missed you.” Hyunil was standing on the step. 

Jeonghan’s hand tightened on the door, “Hyunil. You never called or returned my calls. You didn’t even write.”

His ex-husband crossed his arms, “You got me thrown in prison babe. Come on, let me in. I missed you. I just want to talk. Tell me about the kids? I love your hair.” He stepped closer.

Jeonghan put his arm across the doorway, “This isn’t your house, Hyunil. And you lost any right to call them your kids when you told the lawyer that you didn’t care what happened to the brats.”

“God you got pushy in my absence,” Hyunil pushed past Jeonghan’s arm and pressed a bruising kiss to his crown. “What’s this I hear about you dating our neighbours?” He picked up a photo off the hall stand and put it down.

“Hyunil, get out.”

“Or what baby girl? You’ll call your pretty boys?”

“I’ll call the police. You’re breaking a restraining order by just being on this road.”

“Baby,” Hyunil turned around, hands up, “What more have I got to lose? I lost my wife, I lost my job, I lost the house, the kids, the respect of my family, I wasn’t exactly making money in prison. What do you say ‘bout a good old romp for old times sake, hm?”

“Jesus Christ Hyunil, get the hell out of my house.” Jeonghan didn’t bother shouting, just controlled his shiver and breathed carefully.

Hyunil stared at him, “God you really have changed. Goodbye Jeonghan.”

“Goodbye Hyunil.” Jeonghan said and watched him walk down the path and into a taxi, taking off. He sagged against the wall, closing the door and slipping onto the floor. He leaned his forehead against his knees and shook. Dry sobs shaking his body and mind until he was just sitting there, heaving.

He stood up. Washed his face. Made a pot of tea and called Seungcheol.

Seungcheol let himself in and wrapped Jeonghan in a hug, “You’re okay, nothing happened, I’m here.”

Jeonghan tipped his forehead against Seungcheol’s, “Tell me about August. I’ll talk about Hyunil when Jisoo comes home, just, distract me.”

“August, hm?”

“Yeah.”

“Right, well, we’ve booked the same place we went to last year. We’re going to the same restaurant for my birthday and I’ve already rung that girl to babysit the kids. Then Jisoo is taking the next week off and minding the kids, I’m doing the week after, and you’re doing the last week. I’m sure we’ll have lots of nice evenings in the back gardens with the barbecue, rosé, the paddling pool..”

Jeonghan closed his eyes, he had a new life now. He didn’t need to think about Hyunil anymore. He was gone for good. 

  
  
  
  
  
  


~ _e_ _ pilogue~ _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Jeonghan took his suit out of the wardrobe. Laid it carefully on the hotel bed next to the corset. It was weird being away from home. Weird not having his partners- soon to be husbands, his mind cheerfully piped up- nearby.

Jun knocked and came in, “Need help?”

“Not right now, but can you zip me into this in a bit?” Jeonghan petted the corset, it had been an extravagant purchase, but it was worth it with how well made it was. Whale bone at the sides and hand sewn eyelets for the ribbon on the back. He was maybe in love with it.

“‘Course,” Jun sat down on the edge of the bed, “How are you feeling?”

“Like I’m about to explode,” Jeonghan beamed at Jun, “Have you seen them?”

“No, no.” They were all on different floors, while obviously they couldn’t all get married, they could have a commitment ceremony and they were all going through the same pre-marriage rituals. Not seeing each other for 24 hours was the hardest so far.

“How’s Minghao?” Jeonghan pulled on matching underwear and sheer black stay up stockings, beckoning Jun over to lace up the back of his corset.

“He’s fine, complaining about the food, complaining about his suit-”

“Did you tell him-”

“I told him he could wear the more traditional style one if he wanted, yes don’t worry. He didn’t like that either. He’s a very petulant two year old-”

“I blame you. None of us are petulant-”

Jun pulled hard on the lacing and Jeonghan shut up. “I thought so. Anyway, he’s fine. I passed him off to Seokmin, now he has Seungkwan in one ear going through each of his choir pieces word for word and translating them into Korean and trying to translate them into Mandarin, and he has Minghao in the other ear complaining about his clothes and life and everything else. Neither of them crying at least. Okay,” he ran a hand down the back, the ribbons felt evenly spaced. “You’re laced. This is gorgeous, where did you get it?”

Jeonghan blushed, “I tried bridal boutiques but they wouldn’t sell me one because people are small minded so I ordered one through this fetish wear designer who makes corsets on the side? And I had a fitting and everything. I think it’s probably as expensive as Seungcheol’s suit.”

“Worth it though. I love it! The embroidery on the front is a nice touch, they’re going to love it! They won’t be able to keep their hands off you! Is it comfortable?”

“It’s so comfortable,” Jeonghan smoothed his hands down the ivory satin panels at the sides, “Feels like I’m being held.”

Jun pressed a kiss to his nape, “Well it was a fetish designer.” Jeonghan flicked Jun’s nose.

After that, the suit was easy to put on, nothing crazy, just a beautifully cut black suit and a gorgeous full sleeved ivory blouse. 

Jun’s phone beeped as Jeonghan was just putting on lipstick, “Okay. Time to get moving. Ready?”

He smacked his lips and stood back to take himself in, “Yeah.” He was as ready as he’d ever been, happy and excited and he couldn’t wait to see his fiancés. He put the lipstick in the bag and handed it to Jun.

Jun closed the door behind him, “You only get married for the second time once. So deep breaths,” they turned the corridor, “smile for the cameras, try not to cry. At least not immediately. We love you, we’re here for you, and Jeonghan?” He paused, turning Jeonghan to face him in front of the double doors into his future, “You look amazing.”

“Don’t make me cry now, Jun. Seriously.”

Jun kissed his cheek and pulled him into a tight hug, “Are you sure?”

“Let’s get me hitched.”

All three fiancés walked in together, beaming when they saw each other and reaching to hold hands, ignoring the celebrant, who just smiled and started to speak.

“Welcome everyone! I’m gonna make this quick because these three want to be wed, so let’s get to it. Any objections?”

Silence. Jeonghan could feel Seungcheol shaking. He squeezed his hand and offered him a smile. They’d spent so long picking a venue and he wasn’t taking anything in other than the feel of his fiancés hands in his and how handsome they both looked in their somehow starkly different black suits.

“Right! If you three are here out of your own free will, say aye.”

“Aye!” They chorused and Jeonghan could hear Hansol’s tiny ‘aye’ behind him. He bit back a giggle.

“Okay, well then. You wrote your own vows, so Jisoo, why don’t you go first.”

Jisoo let go of their hands to take a piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolding it and taking a breath. “Seungcheol and Jeonghan. We’re finally getting married!”

Their family and friends laughed. Jeonghan beamed, they were finally getting married.

“I can’t believe it’s finally happening and I love you both so so much. I love our children, and our home, and our lives together. I promise to love you both always. To cherish you and protect you as much as I can from anything that ails you. I promise to be with you for as long as I can be and to help you in any way that I can. I promise not to hurt you or and to talk things out as soon as we can,” Jisoo looked up at them, putting the paper back in his pocket and smiling so widely that he could hardly get the rest of the words out. “I want to love you always.”

Seungkwan ran up with a box and Jisoo kissed his head, “Thanks lovey.”

“Not yet!” The celebrant laughed, “Vows first rings later, thank you young man, you’re very prompt!”

Seungkwan blushed and everyone laughed. He ran back to his seat beside Seokmin.

“I’ll go next?” Seungcheol asked and the celebrant nodded. “Okay. Well mine are shorter. I love you both. I want to raise our kids together and maybe get a cat, and to spend summers and winters, birthdays and Christmases, ups and downs, with you both by my side. In richer and in poorer, sickness and health, til death do us part.” He had tears welling up in his eyes but his face was as earnest as he’d ever seen it.

Jeonghan took a trembling breath, “I said I wouldn’t cry,” he took the handkerchief off Jisoo and dabbed his eyes, “But when has that ever worked?”

Laughter.

“Marriage is supposed to be an unbreakable bond. Something that supports us and holds us and cares for us. I’ve done this before, but I never ever want to do it again. I love you both so much I can barely breathe with it sometimes, but for the knowledge that you both love me just as much. You’re my sun and my moon, my day and night. Now, forever, always. And our kids,” Jeonghan looked back at the three of them, sitting in matching suits, “We’ve done such a good job lets keep it up.”

He couldn’t see through the film of tears, but Seungcheol wrapped his arm around him and the celebrant clapped his hands.

“Okay rings I think!”

Jeonghan plucked one from a box, turning to Seungcheol, “With this ring I thee wed.”

Seungcheol plucked another and placed it on Jisoo’s finger, “With this ring I thee wed.”

Jisoo took the third and slipped it on Jeonghan’s with a quiet, “With this ring I thee wed.”

“And that one, and that one.” the three of them said quietly.

“You can kiss now.”

And they did. And it was sweet. And it was perfect and right and Jeonghan broke apart to breath just in time to hear, ‘I now pronounce you husband and husband and husband!’

  
  


Jun had been right, Jisoo and Seungcheol adored his undergarments, well, after they closed their mouths, they’d been effusive in their adoration.

He’d left it on, basking in their heavy gazes and heavier kisses, and later, Jisoo kissed him awake. He’d fallen asleep on Seungcheol’s chest, “Baby, we have to take this off. Can I?”

Jeonghan nodded, snuggling into Seungcheol, and Jisoo unlaced the corset slowly, pressing kisses on each knob of his spine until it was completely open. 

“Lift up for me?”

Jeonghan felt like a liquid human and rose up a tiny bit on shaky arms, just long enough for Jisoo to pull it free, before collapsing back down on top of Seungcheol. 

“Oh, I didn’t realise,” Jisoo came back and draped a blanket over his back, “You’re both wiped out aren’t yous?”

Jeonghan reached up blindly and snagged his wrist, “Sleep with us, shush, husband mine, shush.”

Seungcheol hummed in agreement and the second Jisoo was close enough, wrapped his arm around his waist, “Sleep, husband.”

Jisoo huffed in amusement, “But-”

“Shush!” They both chorused, “Don’t talk about waking up, you set an alarm, nap with us.” Seungcheol whined and Jisoo huffed again but obligingly lay down.

In an hour they’d have to get up and catch their flight, they were going to the Benelux region for their honeymoon. And in two weeks they’d be back home in their bed, probably in the same position, waiting for one of the kids to wake them up. But right now, Jeonghan thought as he drifted off to sleep, they were right where they needed to be and oh did it feel right.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


  
~ _two years later~_  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


“APPA!!!” Hansol screeched and Jeonghan turned, Hansol was halfway down the stairs with Jeonghan’s phone in his hand, “Daddy wants you.”

Jeonghan took the phone, ruffling his son’s hair, “Hey Cheol-ah, what’s up?”

“Are you still working?”

“Nearly done, why?” Jeonghan worked from home most days. He’d gotten a promotion a few months after their wedding, the next year he’d gone on a course to become a Certified Internal Auditor, and now he could do most of his job from home. He went in one day a week, and had a lot of freedom. Which was great with the three kids.

“My car just died. And you know the strike-”

“Ah, yeah I heard. Mmm, is Soo finished soon?” Jeonghan handed Hansol an apple and swatted his hands away from the sweet jar with a raised eyebrow. Hansol pouted but took the apple and slunk out of the room. Jeonghan put the jar up onto a shelf. Who had taken it down anyway? He shook his head and went back into the office with his tea.

“No,” Seungcheol sounded exhausted, “He’s not done til eight, can you please come get me? I feel pretty rotten, today was shit.”

Jeonghan opened his laptop, “I only have about twenty minutes left, do you think you can wait that long? Go into a coffee shop and I’ll be there as soon as I can be?”

Silence from the other end of the line and then an exhale, “Yeah. Yeah that sounds good. Sorry, I’m just exhausted. How’s Minghao?”

“Still not feeling great, he’s napping again. I hope you didn’t catch what he got,” Jeonghan opened his document back up, scanning through the last few lines he’d written. “Okay love, I’ve got to go. I’ll text you when we’re leaving alright?”

“Yeah, okay, yeah. Love you.”

Jeonghan smiled, that would never get old. “You too.”

Jeonghan finished work bang on 6 pm, and closed his laptop down with a sigh of satisfaction. The weekend could finally begin. He took his glasses off and rubbed at his eyes for a second, right. Kids, Seungcheol.

Climbing the stairs, Jeonghan heard Hansol scrambling up from his toys and hurrying up after him, bumping into his legs when Jeonghan reached the landing. 

“Hey sweetheart, how’re you?” Jeonghan reached for his hand and went into his and Minghao’s room.

“Fine, finished all my work. And drew a picture. Is Hao okay? And Hyung was upset, is Daddy alright?”

“Your Daddy is fine, his car just isn’t working so we’re going to pick him up. Is that alright?” Jeonghan asked, leaning over Minghao’s bed and touching his shoulder softly.

Hansol nodded, “Okay. Hao? Are you feeling better?”

Minghao blinked up at them drowsily, eyes tacky with sleep. “Time is it?” He asked, reaching out and clinging onto Jeonghan’s hand. More tactile half asleep than he generally was awake, he was going through his ‘I’m a big boy’ stage. Mostly adorable.

“Appa just finished work and we’re going to collect Daddy ‘cause his car stopped. You have to get up!” 

“You can go back to sleep in the car, I promise, Minghao-ya, but you have to wake up for a little bit. Are you hungry?”

Minghao nodded, eyes slipping back closed and snuggling under the duvet, “Daddys silly.”

Jeonghan smiled, “Okay little prince. We’ll bring you some milk and apple, sound good?” When Minghao nodded, Jeonghan stood back up, “Hansollie do you want to help me?”

Hansol nodded, of course he did, he was such a good helper. Hansol brought up the apple, chopped up in a little container with some lemon, and Jeonghan held the milk, setting it on Minghao’s bedside table and trusting that Hansol would make sure he woke up. He had to check on his eldest.

Seungkwan managed a teary, “You can come in, Appa.” when Jeonghan knocked on his door and Jeonghan sat down on the end of his bed gingerly, avoiding the things on the floor, tossed there in a fit most likely. 

“What’s up, baby?” Jeonghan asked, rubbing Seungkwan’s ankles.

“I ate the sweets. And I asked Noona if she’d, it doesn’t matter. She said I was too young.”

Noona? “Noona? Which noona?”

Seungkwan sat up and rolled his eyes, “Somin-noona from my conversation class. She said I was ‘sweet but too little’. She’s only two years older than me!”

“Oh baby, well. You were very brave to ask. And now you know, alright? And she seems nice and not like she’ll stop being your friend. And if she does, I have her eomma’s number okay?” 

That made Seungkwan smile, all his kids loved seeing Jeonghan flip on other parents. And being kids with three dads, it happened a whole lot more than one might otherwise expect. “Okay appa. And anyway, I think Dayoung-ah likes me more. I’m gonna ask her next week.”

Jeonghan bit back a laugh, he had a little Casanova on his hands. 

“Can I have a hug?”

“Of course, you can always have a hug-”

“I know, it’s just nice to ask, Appa. Papa always says it’s important to ask.” Seungkwan cut him off and planted himself in Jeonghan’s lap, wrapping his arms tightly around Jeonghan’s neck and pressing their cheeks together. Jeonghan hugged him back tightly.

“Okay okay! Oh, we have to go collect your Daddy. His car broke down, so he’s waiting for a lift home. Are you okay to leave now?”

“Yeah, sure. Am I in trouble for the sweets?”

Jeonghan kissed his hair and pulled back, rubbing Seungkwan’s sides lightly, “Well, you were having a crisis so I think I can overlook it for today. But don’t tell your brothers or they’ll be having crises every day!”

Seungkwan laughed, “Okay. Okay. Thanks Appa.”

“Anytime baby. Now will you put on your shoes and get in the car? I have to get Minghao out of bed, he’s still not feeling great.”

Seungkwan nodded and Jeonghan smiled, ruffling his hair, to a loud protest, before heading back into the other room. To his surprise, Minghao had his shoes on, and was sitting up, albeit grumpily, nestled against Hansol’s side and with his teddy in his lap, arms wrapped around it and Hansol’s arms wrapped around him. Jeonghan stopped in the doorway, so incredibly fond. 

“We’re ready, Appa.” Hansol said quietly and Minghao barely opened his eyes.

“Thank you Hansol-ah! You’re both being so helpful. Minghao-sweetie, do you want me to carry you?”

Minghao nodded and Jeonghan picked him up into his arms, tugging his baby blanket off the end of his bed and pressing it against his back- “Appa, I’m too big for my blankie”- and ushering Hansol out ahead of him down the stairs, grabbing his bag and shushing Minghao with a kiss to his forehead. Hansol reached to take Jeonghan’s bag out of his hand- “You have your hands full, Appa” - and Jeonghan locked up, putting Minghao in his carseat and tucking the blanket all around him, before lifting Hansol up and peppering kisses all over his face.

“You’re so helpful today!! Thank you so much!”

The three of them were quiet, until they picked up Seungcheol, who of course had to open the back door and kiss everyone hello, leaning across the seats to reach all three of them, Minghao holding onto his ear so tightly that Seungcheol had to coax him into letting go with a promise that he could sit on his lap all evening if he wanted to. Minghao let go after that, but latched onto Seungkwan and hid his face in his blanket.

“Thanks for picking me up.” Seungcheol murmured as he pulled back from a kiss, beard prickling Jeonghan’s skin.

“Not at all. We’ll call the AA tomorrow okay?” Jeonghan locked the car and turned on the ignition to Seungcheol’s agreement.

“Yeah, well. I don’t know how useful I’m going to be, I feel awful.” Seungcheol lowered his voice but the kids still caught it.

“Daddy? Don’t tell me you’re sick too?” Seungkwan sighed and Seungcheol turned to look at him.

“Just a bit, nothing a day in bed won’t cure, promise.”

Seungkwan sighed loudly and leaned back against the seat, “You were going to teach me how to do a tumble turn tomorrow!”

“I’m sorry Kwannie, I really am. I’m sure your Papa-”

“Papas too busy.” Jeonghan could hear the pout. He frowned, flicking his eyes to Seungcheol quickly. What?

“I’m sure that’s not true, your Papa is just as good a swimmer as me, if not better-”

“But he’s busy, he’s always helping other people, I just want you to teach me.”

“What do you mean, love?” Jeonghan asked, taking the turn for their estate.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t think that’s true. Why don’t you ask him when he comes home tonight? And when your brothers’ class starts he can spend time with you and show you how to do that move?”

“But Papa teaches you how to swim then!”

Oh. Jeonghan looked at Seungcheol, it was true, but-

“Your Appa can miss a week. He’s pretty good now isn’t he?”

Minghao pulled his blanket away from his face, “Appa can only float Daddy, don’t lie.”

“Hey! Appa tries his best!”

“But his best is baby swimming Sollie!”

“He can front crawl too!”

“But he can’t breathe and has to stand up-” 

“He tries! And Papa is a good teacher!”

“You can’t say-”

“Boys!” Seungcheol raised his voice so they could hear him, Jeonghan biting his lip to keep the smile away. He knew he couldn’t swim, the boys were right, he could only float and do a little bit of the front crawl. Seungcheol and Jisoo had long given up on instilling anything more than basic water survival in him. Didn’t stop Jisoo and Seungcheol from being handsy with the excuse of ‘I’m teaching you to float’.

“Stop talking about your Appa like that. Seungkwan-ah, ask your Papa when he comes home. Minghao-ya, floating is important okay, so let’s all be grateful that your Appa can float. Hansol, thank you for standing up for your Appa, but don’t shout.”

They all muttered apologies and Seungcheol turned back to the front as Jeonghan pulled into the driveway. 

By the time Jeonghan heard Jisoo’s key in the door, they’d all eaten dinner, Seungcheol and Minghao were cuddling on the couch in front of Graham Norton, Seungkwan was having a shower and Hansol was reading on the floor.

Jisoo didn’t come in for a while, so Jeonghan slipped out carefully, Jisoo was leaning against the door, eyes closed. 

“Babe?”

Jisoo opened his eyes, reaching for Jeonghan, “Hey darling, sorry, long day.”

“That’s okay,” Jeonghan wrapped his arms around Jisoo’s waist, “Cheol’s is sick, Minghao’s sick, Seungkwan got rejected. I’m glad it’s the weekend. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Jisoo pressed a kiss against his forehead, “So much. Truly.”

“Did you bring wine and chocolate?”

“That’s all you want me for right? Yes, and we have that Hannibal from Wednesday don’t we?”

Jeonghan hummed, “Yes, my wine and chocolate delivery husband. You might have to lift Cheol up. I think he fell asleep,” he pulled back, “It’s the kids' bedtime anyway. There’s dinner in the-” 

Jisoo caught his hand and tugged him close again, kissing him. “There we go. Now it’s the weekend.”

Jeonghan laughed and tugged him after him into the sitting room, Jisoo pushing him down onto the couch and insisting he could get his own dinner, “It’s enough that you made it for me.” Jeonghan gave him a look, but dragged a blanket down over himself and looked at the kids on Seungcheol.

At some stage, Hansol had climbed up, and he was behind Seungcheol’s knees, Minghao was in front of them, all three of them balanced precariously and asleep. He snapped a few photos, sent one to Seungcheol’s brother with a little zzz emoji, and turned the phone off as Jisoo came back in, dinner on a tray. 

“Did you take a pic?”

“Yeah, sent one to Taesong,” Jeonghan grinned, “He rang Cheol up last night, did he tell you? Asked why he hadn’t seen any pictures of the kids this week. Complained that he was being neglected, Cheol-ah just spluttered, whined and said he was very sorry. I had to hide in the pillows to stop laughing, so I’ve been spamming him all day.”

Jisoo snorted, “Sounds like Taesong. I wouldn’t mind, when was the last time any of us saw a picture of his dog? I’m starting to doubt he’s still alive-”

“Don’t say that-”

“-I’m just saying!”

Jeonghan lifted the kids up carefully, one by one, up the stairs on his hip, and washed their faces gently, handing them their toothbrushes and kissing their crowns. If he was being very honest, he was getting the baby blues again, but that was a thought for another day. They’d be outnumbered then. He helped them into their pyjamas, both of them too sleepy to do much else than raise their arms when asked, and tucked them into bed, turning on the CD and nightlight and tiptoeing out of the bedroom, door pulled ajar.

He knocked on Seungkwan’s door and when he got no response, pushed it open quietly, no child.

Jeonghan opened the door to his own bedroom, ah. Seungcheol was swamped in the duvet, Seungkwan kneeling beside him, chattering quietly. 

“Hey Seungkwan-ah. Time for bed.”

“Appa, do I have to?”

“It’s half ten, you absolutely do. And look at your Daddy, he’s exhausted, come on, kisses and bed.”

Seungkwan grumbled, but turned back to Seungcheol obligingly, leaning down for a goodnight kiss, and then clambering off the bed. “Where’s Papa?”

“He’s in the kitchen, I’ll send him into you when he comes up, come on. Did you have a nice shower?” Jeonghan held the door open and followed Seungkwan out into his bedroom.

“Yeah, I used some of your lemony stuff, is that okay?” Seungkwan asked, the most pitiful expression on his face and Jeonghan raised an eyebrow.

“Only because you had A Day. Okay? Ask next time. Your dads got me that.” Jeonghan pulled back the covers.

Seungkwan lay down, “Dads get you lots of things.”

Jeonghan hummed, tucking him in, “I know they do.”

“It’s not a bad thing. Just,” Seungkwan frowned, “it doesn’t matter.”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, right? And your dads? And that Seokmin-ah and Jun-ah will pick up the phone anytime. Wonwoo-hyung too, right? If you want to talk about something, or about us, or anything like that, you can ring your uncles, or your aunts. They won’t tell me if you ask them not to. Especially if you want to complain about me. They’re there for you too.” Jeonghan tucked him in and sat down by his hip.

Seungkwan held his hands, “I love you. And I love them too, and my brothers. Can I ring Uncle Seokmin tomorrow?”

Jeonghan smiled, “Of course. Now, you can read until eleven, but then you need to try and go to sleep okay? I’ll send your Papa in in a second,” He bent to kiss his forehead, “Sleep well love. Appa loves you, you know that?”

“I know. Night, Appa.”

“Night, baby.”

Jisoo came back into their bedroom a little while later, two wine glasses in hand, “They’re all asleep.”

“Oh great,” Jeonghan eyed the glasses, “One of them is for me right?”

“Of course! I’m not a gut! And there’s chocolate under your pillow.”

Jeonghan rummaged, coming out with a large bar of Lindt, “Oh you are the best husband,” Seungcheol grumbled, and Jeonghan patted his hair absently. “I went out to collect you with three kids in the rain. Soo brought wine and chocolate. Do you see how you’re losing tonight?”

Seungcheol huffed, and Jisoo laughed, kneeling up behind Jeonghan and handing Seungcheol a mug of honey and lemon and two painkillers. “Come on, down the hatch. We’re watching Hannibal, feel free to fall asleep. It’s recorded anyway.”

With the painkillers, and Jeonghan’s hand in his hair, Seungcheol was asleep before the intro sequence was even finished. 

Jeonghan leaned back against Jisoo’s chest, there was nothing he loved more than cuddling. He sipped his wine and when Jisoo picked up the chocolate, he tilted his head back for a square. 

“You’re so tactile tonight, I love it, don’t ever change.”

“I’m tactile every night, Seungcheol is usually awake for most of it,” head tilt for a kiss this time, “You’re both very comfy.”

“Hm,” Jisoo feathered fingers over his belly button, “Well, maybe he’ll have to be sick more often.”

“You can just ask me to cuddle, I don’t think I’ll ever say no-”

Jisoo kissed him, “Okay darling, now, shush, he’s doing his murder voice again.”

Jeonghan turned back to the screen, shivering slightly, no matter how much one enjoyed a tv show, there was always a certain revulsion when somebody was sliced in sections and displayed in glass.

Seungcheol woke them up early the next morning, stumbling out of bed and staggering into their bathroom. The sounds of retching followed and Jeonghan rolled out of bed after him.

“Cheol?” Jeonghan knelt beside him and rubbed his back.

“I definitely have Minghao’s thing,” Seungcheol sat back on his heels and leaned into Jeonghan, “I feel shit.”

Jisoo came in with a glass of water, “Are you done?”

Seungcheol looked at the toilet and then nodded, “Yeah, more nauseous than actually gonna throw up I think.”

“Okay, drink this and back to bed.”

“But you two-”

“I’m home with the kids and I haven’t gotten it,” Jeonghan pressed a kiss to the back of Seungcheol’s neck, ignoring the sweaty heat of him, “Hansol had it last week and Minghao this week, I’m not getting it.”

“And I work in the hospital, you know I get all the jabs, and just have generally great immunity, come on, back into bed, it’s only 6 am.” Jisoo knelt to help Seungcheol up, Jeonghan flushing the loo and grabbing a basin. 

Seungcheol grumbled, but lay between them and fell back asleep without much complaint. 

“You too baby,” Jisoo cracked open an eye to look at Jeonghan, “No fretting allowed, sleep. Fret later. When I’m awake.”

Jeonghan reached for a hand, patted it, “No fretting.”

  
  


Later that day, Jisoo got the kids ready for swimming while Jeonghan fretted about Seungcheol, bring him a breakfast tray, and a hot water bottle, and his book, his tablet, painkillers, water; opening the windows, airing the room, circling until Seungcheol reached out for his wrist and tugged him close.

“I’ll be fine.”

“I know you will, we’ll just be a while, I don’t want you to have to go downstairs, what if you fall?”

“I’m not going to fall. I have my phone, everything that I could possibly need, and if I need help and you’re not back I’ll just call one of our neighbours, alright?

Jeonghan nodded, “Okay. Call us if you need us.”

“Promise. Have fun.” Seungcheol smiled and burrowed down into the covers.

When everyone was in the car, Minghao and Hansol swinging their legs, Seungkwan quietly contemplating life, Jisoo snatched the keys off Jeonghan, “Saturday I drive!” Jeonghan only protested to get the kiss, and then they were off. 

The five-year-olds had lessons from 10-11 and then Seungkwan had his lesson. So they got to practice and show off whatever they learnt. Jeonghan secured them the biggest family changing room and folded shirts and cords as they were handed to him, they were all in their togs already.

“Don’t forget your swimming socks. I know you hate them, but I promise you’ll hate verrucas more.” Jisoo put his hand across the door when Seungkwan started towards it without them. Minghao handed Seungkwan a pair with the most long suffering expression. 

“Can I go now?”

Jisoo raised an eyebrow, “Don’t forget to shower, and stay in the shallows until we come out. Okay?”

“Yes, Papa. See you in a minute!” Seungkwan beamed and rushed out through the door when Jisoo opened it.

“Right, who needs the loo? Let’s let your Appa get changed, alright?” Jisoo asked, turning to the other two and taking their hands when they both screamed their need, their need for the water closet.

Jeonghan locked the door behind them and packed everyone’s things into their bags, changing out of his own clothes and putting on his socks. 

They met back up at the showers, the key for the locker on Jeonghan’s wrist, the kids bouncing with excitement. 

Once they were rinsed off and brought over to their teacher, a young woman named Lorraine, Jisoo went off in search of Seungkwan. 

He was doing a backstroke in the deep end and Jisoo practically dove into the pool, swimming up beside him with a loud, “Seungkwan Yoon-Hong-Choi, what did I say?”

Seungkwan looked down, “To stay in the shallows, but Papa, I’m not-”

“Don’t. Do you not understand that I only want to keep you safe?” Jisoo cut across him and turned him to Jeonghan. “Go and sit with your Appa for ten minutes. Time out.”

“But Papa!”

“Do you want 20 minutes?”

Seungkwan shook his head and swam over to Jeonghan, sitting on a bench by the side of the pools, book in hand, but watching him come over to him.

“Appa~”

Jeonghan patted his shoulder, “What did you do?”

“Papa put me in time out cause I went into the deep end, but I’m a good swimmer!” Seungkwan swung his legs and leaned into Jeonghan’s arm until he wrapped it around him.

“I know you are. But Papa is just trying to keep you safe, you know that.”

Seungkwan just harrumphed and burrowed closer to Jeonghan. He stayed there until Jisoo came out of the pool about ten minutes later.

“Okay, Seungkwan-ah.”

“I’m sorry for going in the deep end without you. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“Thank you. Hug?”

Seungkwan launched himself at him and Jisoo squeezed him tight. “All forgiven. Okay? Now, a little birdie told me that you want to learn tumble turns?”

“Yes!!”

“Okay, lets go try them out.” Jisoo flashed a smile at Jeonghan and led Seungkwan back to the pool. Jeonghan turned back to his book, eyes flicking up every few seconds to watch them or the other boys in their lesson, happily splashing away.

He put the book down then the two boys came running towards him, spraying water every which way, “Appa Appa Appa! We got gold stars!”

“Gold stars! Oh my goodness, I’m so proud of you two!! You’re both so clever!!” Jeonghan kneeled down to kiss their cheeks, “Do I need to talk to your teacher?”

They shook their heads in synchronicity, “No, Appa.”

“Okay. Show me your stars, and we can put them on your cards,” he fished two report cards out of the waterproof bag, “How about that?”

They squealed and Minghao thrust his star out towards Jeonghan, “Me first!!”

Jeonghan held the report card steady and pointed at the date, “That’s today, put it, yes just like that, well done!” Minghao gave him a sloppy kiss.

“Hansollie, your turn!”

Hansol waved his sticker and stuck it down before wrapping his arms around Jeonghan’s neck, “Appa~”

Jeonghan smiled at Minghao and wrapped his arm around Hansol’s waist, standing up slowly, “What is it, munchkin?”

“Appa I want the toilet.” Minghao grabbed hold of the end of Jeonghan’s swim trunks.

“Appa~” Hansol hid his face in Jeonghan’s neck, whining softly.

“Okay babies. Let’s go to the bathroom. Minghao, hold Appa’s hand please.”

Jeonghan rocked Hansol gently while Minghao used the toilet, pressing the occasional kiss to his cheek and rubbing his back. “Tell Appa what’s wrong.”

“Swimming, I’m sleepy, want, no, Appa~”

“Are you tired? Wash your hands Minghao-ya, there’s a good boy. Hansol-ah, are you tired?”

Hansol shook his head.

“Do you feel sick?”

Hansol shook his head.

“Hungry?”

“Appa, I want a banana!” Minghao dried his hands on his shorts and looked up at Jeonghan.

“Ten minutes, sweetheart okay? Hansol-ah, do you want a banana?”

Hansol shook his head.

“Do you want your Daddy?”

“No!”

Jeonghan laughed, “Okay, well we won’t tell him that. What about your Papa?”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Okay okay, did something happen in class?”

“No, just want Appa.”

Jeonghan kissed him again and opened the bathroom door, “Okay sweetheart, okay. Minghao, walk slowly. Let’s go find your Papa and then we can get dressed and have a cuddle in one of the armchairs. What about that?”

Hansol nodded.

They walked into Jisoo when they went back to the pools, Seungkwan had gone to his class. “Hey babies. Oh, is everything okay?”

“We got gold stars! Hansol wants Appa-time. I want to swim!” Minghao smiled, “Can we swim, Papa?”

Jisoo nodded, looking at Jeonghan, “Han?”

“We’re going to get changed and I’m gonna get a coffee. You okay with them?”

“Yeah, of course,” Jisoo picked Minghao up, “We’ll be grand. Don’t forget your book, I think I saw it-”

“And come with me a second, I have the key wrist thing, just let me get our things-”

“Appa~”

“I know sweetie, just give me a few minutes and I’m all yours,” Jisoo followed Jeonghan back into the changing rooms and took the wristband off him when he took their things out. “Right that’s it, enjoy swimming!”

Jisoo and Minghao kissed them both on the cheeks and Jeonghan whisked Hansol back off to the changing room, sitting him down on a towel and getting them changed as fast as possible. Wet things rolled up in towels, hair fluffed dry, clean underwear and socks on and then, as soon as the bag was zipped shut, Hansol back on Jeonghan’s hip, arms tight around his neck.

Jeonghan got a coffee for himself and a baby hot chocolate for Hansol, finding them a nice big armchair above the pool so they could watch the others. He put their drinks on the table and gently peeled Hansol off him. “Hansol-ah?”

Hansol screwed his fists against his eyes and leaned back against him. He opened his mouth to speak but promptly burst into tears. Jeonghan hugged him tight, rocking him slowly and trying to soothe him. He was a bottler. Always had been, bottled everything up and then he couldn’t deal with it. It hurt Jeonghan to watch, and they tried lots of ways to try and get him to articulate how he felt, sometimes it worked, sometimes they’d get paintings like Minghao or sometimes he’d sing like Seungkwan. But mainly it was this, curling into one of his parents and bursting into tears.

“Daddy’s sick.”

“He is, but he’ll be better soon. I bet he’ll even make dinner tomorrow.”

“Hao was sick.”

“But he’s better now, I promise. Wasn’t he swimming so well today? Look at him splashing with Papa, hm?” Jeonghan pointed and Hansol looked, curling sideways into Jeonghan’s stomach and holding his hands tightly.

“What if Kwannie gets sick? And Papa? What if you get sick?” Hansol looked up at him with wild and frantic eyes. Jeonghan pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You’ll be fine. We’re all here to help each other, yeah? And you have your godfather, Wonwoo-hyung, don’t you? And your aunties, and uncles, and our neighbours, and your grandparents, hm? Nothing’s going to happen to you. And we have so much help. Yeah?” Jeonghan bounced him slightly, “Lots of friends and family, yeah?”

“Auntie Hee?”

“Yeah, Auntie Hee, and who else?”

“Uncle Song?”

“Mmhmm.”

“Auntie Gemma?”

“Yeah, loads of people, alright?”

“Uncle Min, and Uncle Jun, and Auntie Minnie, and Papa’s friends, and Daddy’s friends too?”

“Everyone. Don’t worry, sweetheart.”

Hansol settled back against Jeonghan’s chest, “Can I have my hot chocolate please?”

Jeonghan smiled, crisis over, and handed him the mug carefully. “Drink slowly, now.”

  
  
  


Seungcheol rolled out of bed on Sunday morning at around nine, wrapping his dressing gown tightly around himself and went downstairs. He picked up the paper, put on the coffee and then prepared the roast, putting it in the oven on low. He padded back upstairs with his mug and sat back in bed, switching on the radio. He lowered it down and changed the station to Lyric FM, patting around the bedside table for his glasses and propping them on his nose. He opened the paper.

He’d just finished the main paper, and was moving onto the sports section when Jeonghan made a quiet kitteny noise, blinking a little from where he was pinned underneath Jisoo. Seungcheol looked over, reaching to card his fingers through what hair he could reach and Jeonghan blinked at him slowly.

“Good morning, Hannie.”

“Mmmm, feeling better?”

“Yep, dinner’s on and all.”

“Best husband.” Jeonghan wriggled a little and then nestled happily back into Jisoo’s arms, pressing a kiss to his collarbone and closing his eyes again. Jeonghan would easily say that one of his favourite things about being married was Sunday morning lie-ins.

Seungcheol laughed quietly, shaking his head and turning back to the paper.

He was moving onto the House and Home section by the time Jisoo mumbled a “Morning husbands.” He rolled over and Jeonghan squeaked.

“Soo! I’m here!”

Jisoo huffed and lifted up a little, letting Jeonghan wiggle over a bit before dropping back down on top of him and pressing his lips to the side of his face. “Morning baby.”

Seungcheol lowered the paper and peered at them over his glasses, but Jeonghan didn’t get to respond, their door flew open and Minghao pounced on the bed.

“Appa, Papa, Daddy I’m Hunnnnngrrrryyyyyy!! Daddy I’m hungry, hungry, hungry!!!”

Jisoo rolled onto Jeonghan’s other side, wrapping his arm around him and nuzzling into his neck. Where Minghao went, Hansol would follow-

“Papa, Appa, can I go back to sleep?” Hansol came in after him, the ear of his elephant grasped in his fist.

Jisoo hummed, “Come on, get in.”

-They didn’t subscribe to the idea that children shouldn’t see their parents being affectionate, so that Jeonghan was pressed as close as he possibly could be to Jisoo was nothing new. Hansol just climbed in, pressed kisses to both of their cheeks and wriggled until Jisoo had his arm around him too.

“Morning babies.” Jeonghan whispered.

“Morning Appa.”

“Morning Appa, yes I slept well, now I’m hungry, Daddy please!”

Seungcheol put the paper down and wrapped his arms around Minghao, “Oooo who wants morning cuddles?” Tickling his sides and peppering kisses over his face until he pushed him away.

“Scratchy, Daddy. No, no cuddles until I’m fed. Feed me!!”

Jeonghan twitched closer to Jisoo, he didn’t want to get up. Jisoo wrapped his arm around them tighter and kissed his shoulder. 

“Papa, you’re squishing me!” Hansol whispered loudly and Jisoo mumbled a sleepy apology.

Seungcheol tucked Minghao under one arm, despite his giggling protests, and put his slippers on. “Have you seen Minghao-ya?”

“I’m here, Daddy!!”

“Did you hear anything? Hansol-ah? Where’s your brother?”

Hansol giggled, “Under your arm, Daddy!”

“Under my-” Seungcheol gasped, “-oh what have we here?! Hello! Where did you come from?”

“Daddy~”

“Hansollie, do you want breakfast? Let’s let your sleepy fathers lie in a little longer, hm?”

Hansol slipped off the bed, “Pick me up too?”

Seungcheol grabbed him up under his other arm, spinning around like an airoplane, “Like this?”

The two kids giggled like champagne bubbles and Seungcheol made airoplane noises as he whirred them down the stairs.

Jeonghan turned in Jisoo’s embrace and kissed him good morning. “I suppose we should get up?”

“Eh, we have until Seungkwan comes in.”

Seungkwan came in moments later and Jisoo sighed. “Time to get up is it?”

“Daddy says that if you don’t get in the shower now, he’s not going to go for a walk with you.” Seungkwan recited, walking towards the bed and sitting beside them.

“Well we’d better get up then, hm?” Jeonghan reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Seungkwan’s ear. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, Appa. You?”

“Very well, like a log. What about you Papa?” Jeonghan smirked against Jisoo’s head and he huffed.

“I slept very well thank you Appa.”

Seungkwan shoved them, “Stop it!”

They laughed, sitting up and showering him in kisses.

Every Sunday they went for a long walk along the canal, double buggy for when the little ones got tired, Seungkwan stopping at every few trees to take a leaf or a stone or a flower or an acorn and put it in the bottom of the buggy, the three kids chattering on about what they’d learnt or seen or heard or their dreams, or whatever came to mind. The three parents talking and nodding along with them, holding hands, kissing cuts, giving hugs. 

And then they’d come home, Jisoo and Jeonghan would peel potatoes and cut vegetables for the dinner while Seungcheol waltzed around the room with Seungkwan. They’d have dinner, watch some TV, and then after the kids had gone to bed, with stories and songs and kisses, the three of them would attempt yet again to do a three person tango. Inevitably failing, but enjoying themselves nonetheless.

Jeonghan wouldn’t trade any aspect of it for the world, and neither, he suspected, would his husbands.

He loved his life.   
  


~ _fin~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That epilogue was only that short by Sheer Force Of Will fyi.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've gotten this far, please tell me what you thought!  
> It takes so little time and means the world to me.  
> Rose xx
> 
> Again, pls scream/cry/rant/whine/send love/send commentary to me on Twitter ([@RoseEnDiamant](https://twitter.com/RoseEnDiamant))or CuriousCat ([@MurderRose](https://curiouscat.qa/MurderRose)). I'm always curious and, no scratch that, I NEED feedback, GIVE IT TO ME.


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